It is not who you know, it’s whom you know! Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat? I had amnesia once, maybe twice. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants. Am I ambivalent, well, yes and no. Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Honk if you’re paying my mortgage.
Washington D.C. (special to eGrumps); A secret session was recently held at the White House to discuss a substitute term for term “enemy combatant.” President Obama had ordered that term no longer be used to designate an enemy combatant. A special committee meeting was held to discuss a substitute term. Neither the name of the committee nor [...]
Washington D. C. (Exclusive to eGrumps). President Obama has ordered the closure of the prison at Guantanamo Bay at 12:00 PM, March 31, 2009. At 12:01 AM on April 1, 2009 the former Guantanamo prison facility will be known as the Happy Acres Farm. All persons interned there (formerly known as “enemy combatants” will remain in [...]
Los Angeles, CA (special to eGrumps) eGrumps has learned that Octomom has been seeking a husband. Having 14 children, the pool of men willing to marry Octomom is seriously depleted, but as she is supposed to have said, “There’s no harm in trying.” Her ad on the Internet dating service (name withheld by request) reads [...]
(Washington, D.C. – Exclusive to eGrumps) The Obama administration announced plans to nationalize the nation’s sperm banks. Fearing a catastrophic meltdown to the entire system, with consequent dire results to America, they felt they had no alternative to taking this step. “The actions of the Octomom, in using sperm banks to cause her to be [...]
If a lesbian had sex with other women, but never with a man, is she still considered a virgin? Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions? How far East can you go before you’re heading West? Can animals committ suicide? Do prison buses have emergency exits? Why does the Easter bunny carry large [...]
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think. If Eve had lived today, she would have looked around for a smaller leaf. Money talks, it says “goodbye.” Don’t ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up. It would have helped a lot if the [...]
Responding to questions about political contributions received from recipients of financial earmarks he had placed in various bills, Representative Murtha (D-Johnstown) waived the Constitution at the camera, and stated: “What it says is the Congress of the United States appropriates the money. Got that?” Got it, Representative. I don’t think it says, however, that the [...]
It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick. A little humility is arrogance. When all else fails, read the instructions. A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. Food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.
Senator Schumer (aka Chuckie) has demanded that the AIG employees who received substantial bonuses give them back to the company or he would introduce legislation to tax them at a rate of 100%. (I belive that would be called confiscation). Regardless of the fact that the company was legally obligated to pay those bonuses, that the [...]
My girlfriend is such a cheat and a liar. I’ve been going with her almost a year now, and I never would have known she was married until my wife mentioned it just the other day.
An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I [...]
The Obama Administration has abandoned the use of the term “enemy combatant.” Speaking from the White House, President Obama announced that the term “friendly combatant” will now be used. “Until the secret intent of the combatant can be determined, they will presumed to be friendly,” he said. “Mere shooting at American troops will not be [...]
‘Veni, Vedi, Velcro’ – I came, I saw, I stuck around. Bacon and Eggs – Hens are involved, but pigs are committed. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Failure is not an option. It is bundled with your software. Half the people in the world are below average.
Washington D.C. (exclusive to eGrumps network). After twenty years of research and spending over $10,000,000,000 examining, testing and planning the suitability of a tunnel in Yucca Mountain, Nevada, as a nuclear waste repository, the Obama budget cut off almost all funding for this project. President Obama has said that storing nuclear waste there is “not an option.” [...]
Be careful what you say about this site! Gee, that’s a cute tattoo. Are you sure the power is off? I’ll hold it, and you light the fuse. You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses on, would you? Don’t be so superstitious.
After 9/11 Tony Blair, then PM of Great Britain, gave President Bush a bust of Winston Churchill as a gesture of solidarity. It was placed in the Oval Office. The role of Winston Churchill in saving Britain from the Germans in WW II cannot be underestimated. In Westminster Abbey, there is a large inscription in [...]
So what have we learned in 2,063 years ? ”The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance Cicero - [...]
The remains of a U. S. citizen (name withheld) were found in a vacant lot in Tijuana. Apparently the man had been decapitated, dismembered and mutilated (hard to imagine what mutilation beyond beheading and dismemberment could have occured). The authorities suspected suicide.