Archive for March, 2009
Honk if you’re paying my mortgage.
Washington D.C. (special to eGrumps); A secret session was recently held at the White House to discuss a substitute term for term “enemy combatant.” President Obama had ordered that term no longer be used to designate an enemy combatant. A special committee meeting was held to discuss a substitute term. Neither the name of the committee nor the names of the participants were disclosed, the doctrine of transparency having been set aside by secret Executive Order. Among the titles suggested were “friendly combatant,” “friendly enemy combatant,” and “may be either friendly enemy combatant or unfriendly enemy combatant.” “Neutral combatant” was also suggested, but was booed down. Finally, after much discussion, the committee approved the term “Bad Guy, with sub-categories to be applied as deemed appropriate under the circumstances. The approved sub-categories were “Medium Bad Guy,” “Very Bad Guy,” “Super Bad Guy,” “Awesomely Bad Guy” and for the most dangerous “Bad-Ass Guy.”
The question of whom would make the determination as to which sub-category would apply to any particular individual was not resolved and left to the next meeting of the committee. The system which received the most favorable approval was based upon points awarded, based upon where he was “captured,” the type of weapons carried (more points for an automatic rifle than for a pistol, etc.) the resistance to “capture,” and the information he disclosed, and what pressure was used to have him talk. (The more pressure needed, the more points awarded since he was considered trained in resisting interrogation methods). The committee was unable to make a final determination of the designation system to be used, so the matter was tabled until the next meeting.
President Obama declared that he was generally satisfied with the progress made, but felt it was very important to refine the category problem, and hoped a meeting could be held in the near future to resolve and finalize the proceedure to be used. He hoped that, once the criteria is determined, that any proceedings to make the determination would be held in secret, without either the prisoner or his lawyer being present.. “The matter is too important to have these bad guys and their lawyers confuse the legal due process being employed. Proceedings must be swift and final, and no right of appeal would be tolerated. At the end of the day, America must have closure, and my administration intends to bring that closure so that my fellow Americans will be able to sleep easier.” No questions were permitted at the press conference where President Obama disclosed the outline of his new system. Actually, since no questions were to be permitted, the press conference was held without the press being present and prepared remarks were faxed, emailed and texed to the members of the press corps.
Washington D. C. (Exclusive to eGrumps). President Obama has ordered the closure of the prison at Guantanamo Bay at 12:00 PM, March 31, 2009. At 12:01 AM on April 1, 2009 the former Guantanamo prison facility will be known as the Happy Acres Farm. All persons interned there (formerly known as “enemy combatants” will remain in the newly renamed facility. Except for the change of name everything else will remain in place. “This fulfills a campaign promise I made some time ago – to close Guantanamo. I hope the American people recognize that I am a man of my word and will fulfill my moral obligations to the American people. Guantanamo is closed.” President Obama said.
“Happy Acres Farm will be a shining example to the rest of the world,” he continued. “We will offer native food and religious services on a regular basis. Questioning of our guests will not take place on Ramadan. Is America not a great country?”
“We intend to have a contest in which all are eligible to enter, for a nominal fee, to select a new designation for our honored guests. ‘Enemy combatants” is not a suitable term, so we decided to use a Democratic process to select a new name. All entry fees will be used to remodel the White House. Details will be released soon.” he said.
Los Angeles, CA (special to eGrumps) eGrumps has learned that Octomom has been seeking a husband. Having 14 children, the pool of men willing to marry Octomom is seriously depleted, but as she is supposed to have said, “There’s no harm in trying.” Her ad on the Internet dating service (name withheld by request) reads as follows:
“Wanted, mature man for a serious relationship leading to marriage.
Must love children. An appreciation for the finer things in life would
be helpful, but not absolutely necessary. Should be financially secure,
but not absolutely necessary. Well groomed and handsome would be a
big plus, but not absolutely necessary. Should be photogenic and free of
scandal, but not absolutely necessary. The candidate must be single,
but not absolutely necessary (if divorce proceedings are pending.) I
can offer a loving family of 14 children looking for a devoted father. (Did I
mention a love of sports would be helpful in dealing with the kids, but
not absolutely necessary.) The candidate must have had a vasectomy - that is necessary. Must present doctor’s certificate. Please send resume to Box XXXXX, Los Angeles, CA or call me at 310 - XXX-XXXX and leave detailed message on answering machine.
The kids and I look forward to hearing from you.
Actually, forget the job description. If you’re alive and walking
The Octomom has not talked about the number of Applications she has received, but eGrumps believes the number is substantial.
(Washington, D.C. – Exclusive to eGrumps) The Obama administration announced plans to nationalize the nation’s sperm banks. Fearing a catastrophic meltdown to the entire system, with consequent dire results to America, they felt they had no alternative to taking this step. “The actions of the Octomom, in using sperm banks to cause her to be impregnated in such a manner, resulting in eight children, shows how rapidly it is spinning out of control,” a spokesman for the administration stated. “Suppose every American wanted to use the system this way, it is apparent that the Sperm Bank system would collapse. We cannot allow this to happen,” he stated. “We must act now while the threat is not imminent, because once it becomes imminent, it is too late.”
He went on to say that while there has been no reduction in deposits, the alarming rate of withdrawals is considered quite serious. When questioned further, he stated “If the government cannot screw you directly, we are not going to let you do it to yourself. That’s the American way!”
If a lesbian had sex with other women, but never with a man, is she still considered
Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?
How far East can you go before you’re heading West?
Can animals committ suicide?
Do prison buses have emergency exits?
Why does the Easter bunny carry large eggs? Rabbits don’t lay eggs?
When you are caught between a rock and a hard place, Is not the rock hard?”
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.
If Eve had lived today, she would have looked around for a smaller leaf.
Money talks, it says “goodbye.”
Don’t ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up.
It would have helped a lot if the pioneers had put cities closer to airports.
Responding to questions about political contributions received from recipients of financial earmarks he had placed in various bills, Representative Murtha (D-Johnstown) waived the Constitution at the camera, and stated: “What it says is the Congress of the United States appropriates the money. Got that?”
Got it, Representative. I don’t think it says, however, that the “Congress appropriates the money in exchange for favors, or contributions, from recipients.” That might, under other circumstances, be called a bribe, and I don’t think the Constitution legalizes bribery, or am I misreading it.
You win, Rep. Murtha, the Arrogance of The Year Award (so far). Display it proudly.
It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
A little humility is arrogance.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.
Senator Schumer (aka Chuckie) has demanded that the AIG employees who received substantial bonuses give them back to the company or he would introduce legislation to tax them at a rate of 100%. (I belive that would be called confiscation). Regardless of the fact that the company was legally obligated to pay those bonuses, that the government know of these payments for some time, but it also included in the Stimulus bill a specific provision that allowed the company to pay those bonuses, Chuckie believes these salary payments (that’s what they were) should be confiscated by the government. His theory, I believe, is that the employees were paid out of government (read “taxpayers”) money and that they did not do a good job.
If Chuckie and the Congress felt these bonuses were unconscionable (and maybe they were), why did they 1) Include in the Stimulus Bill a provision that protected these payments, or
2) Not put a provision in the bailout money to AIG that the payment was conditioned upon a renegotiation of any employment contract that granted such generous payouts?
Enough with the phony posturing, Sen. Schumer, you and Congress could have prevented the payment of these bonuses, but allowing them to be granted, and then going on national TV to complain about them is somewhat hypocritical, to say the least.
Chuckie Baby: May I most respectfully suggest that their are others receiving taxpayers money who did not do a good, or even a credible, job, like the Congress of the United States, including you.
While we are at it, Chuckie, how about asking the President of the United States and Senator Dodd, the two largest political recipients of AIG’s largess, to give back the donations they received from AIG.
While I’m on a tear, how about stopping the payment of $900,000,000 by the US to rebuild Gaza, an area that is controlled by Hamas, an organization declared by the United States to be a terrorist organization. Maybe under your theory relating to the AIG bonuses, if the money is given, the US could sue to get it back, or maybe tax it at 100%. You can go there and be our tax collector. I’m sure they would give you all the respect you deserve.
My girlfriend is such a cheat and a liar. I’ve been going with her
almost a year now, and I never would have known she was married until
my wife mentioned it just the other day.
An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, “Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
“Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account.”
“If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account.
“However, if there is a miscarriage, I’m not sure what to do. What do you suggest?”
At this point, the mother, who had remained silent until now, placed a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “So, you’ll try again.”
The Obama Administration has abandoned the use of the term “enemy combatant.” Speaking from the White House, President Obama announced that the term “friendly combatant” will now be used. “Until the secret intent of the combatant can be determined, they will presumed to be friendly,” he said. “Mere shooting at American troops will not be deemed to make the shooter an enemy. All combatants will be presumed to be friendly unless proved otherwise. Our troops have been instructed to read all captured combatants their Miranda rights before they are questioned. The Pentagon has been instructed to set up a team of lawyers, similar to the Public Defender system in use in America today, to represent the combatants.”
‘Veni, Vedi, Velcro’ – I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Bacon and Eggs – Hens are involved, but pigs are committed.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Failure is not an option. It is bundled with your software.
Half the people in the world are below average.
Washington D.C. (exclusive to eGrumps network). After twenty years of research and spending over $10,000,000,000 examining, testing and planning the suitability of a tunnel in Yucca Mountain, Nevada, as a nuclear waste repository, the Obama budget cut off almost all funding for this project. President Obama has said that storing nuclear waste there is “not an option.” The Department of Energy had previously found that such a repository brings together natural barriers and design elements to protect the health and safety of the public. As a result of the defunding, there is now, in effect, a “Tunnel to Nowhere” which will not be used for its intended purpose. So that this time, money and effort will not go to waste, and in view of the fact that Pres. Obama wants to try to normalize relations with Cuba, his Administration intends to move the tunnel so that it is located between Florida and Cuba – lengthen it a little bit – and use it as an underground causeway between the two countries to benefit the good people of Cuba and the United States. “It’s a win/win situation for the American taxpayers,” his spokesman announced. “The American taxpayer will not lose its investment in the tunnel and both Cuba and America will benefit from the availabiltiy of this access (and egress) tunnel.”
The entire Obama cabinet hailed this solution as the type of practical approach to solving America’s problems that President Obama has brought to Washington. “It is thinking outside of the box that can reap such dividends for America, and President Obama has shown great ability in thinking outside the box” a spokesman said. “We intend to suggest to the Cuban government that this venture be called the Obama-Castro Tunnel,” he said. “The President feels sure this name will be acceptible to our Cuban allies.”
When asked about the technological feasibility of moving a tunnel, the spokesman replied “America has the greatest thinkers, scientists and builders in the world. While the technology of moving a tunnel hasn’t been fully developed, President Obama is sure that a solution can be found. Any country that can send a man to the moon, can certainly move a tunnel to connect Cuba to America. “I remain confident,” President Obama said, “that it can be done. even though a few small details have to be worked out. America can do this,” he said. ”Trust me! It is cost effective and it is the right thing to do”
President Obama has denied that the opposition of Senator Harry Reid, Democrat from Nevada, to the Yucca Mountain repository, had anything to do with defunding further Nevada tunnel construction. Opposing this project, he said, was unpatriotic, and no one has ever accused Sen Reid of being unpatriotic.
Gee, that’s a cute tattoo.
Are you sure the power is off?
I’ll hold it, and you light the fuse.
You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses on,
Don’t be so superstitious.
After 9/11 Tony Blair, then PM of Great Britain, gave President Bush a bust of Winston Churchill as a gesture of solidarity. It was placed in the Oval Office. The role of Winston Churchill in saving Britain from the Germans in WW II cannot be underestimated. In Westminster Abbey, there is a large inscription in the cement block on the floor, as you enter, reading “Remember Winston Churchill.” To me it is very inspiring. America’s roots with Great Britan go back centuries and, so far, America and Great Britain have been cornerstones of Western civilization .
So – President Obama returned the bust to the British.
If it was a bust of King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, would it have been returned? We also share a mutual heritage with Saudi Arabia – their oil and our money!
I don’t think there is any truth to the rumor that President Obama is trying to return the Statue of Liberty to France.