Washington D.C. (special to eGrumps); A secret session was recently held at the White House to discuss a substitute term for term “enemy combatant.” President Obama had ordered that term no longer be used to designate an enemy combatant. A special committee meeting was held to discuss a substitute term. Neither the name of the committee nor the names of the participants were disclosed, the doctrine of transparency having been set aside by secret Executive Order. Among the titles suggested were “friendly combatant,” “friendly enemy combatant,” and “may be either friendly enemy combatant or unfriendly enemy combatant.” “Neutral combatant” was also suggested, but was booed down. Finally, after much discussion, the committee approved the term “Bad Guy, with sub-categories to be applied as deemed appropriate under the circumstances. The approved sub-categories were “Medium Bad Guy,” “Very Bad Guy,” “Super Bad Guy,” “Awesomely Bad Guy” and for the most dangerous “Bad-Ass Guy.”
The question of whom would make the determination as to which sub-category would apply to any particular individual was not resolved and left to the next meeting of the committee. The system which received the most favorable approval was based upon points awarded, based upon where he was “captured,” the type of weapons carried (more points for an automatic rifle than for a pistol, etc.) the resistance to “capture,” and the information he disclosed, and what pressure was used to have him talk. (The more pressure needed, the more points awarded since he was considered trained in resisting interrogation methods). The committee was unable to make a final determination of the designation system to be used, so the matter was tabled until the next meeting.
President Obama declared that he was generally satisfied with the progress made, but felt it was very important to refine the category problem, and hoped a meeting could be held in the near future to resolve and finalize the proceedure to be used. He hoped that, once the criteria is determined, that any proceedings to make the determination would be held in secret, without either the prisoner or his lawyer being present.. “The matter is too important to have these bad guys and their lawyers confuse the legal due process being employed. Proceedings must be swift and final, and no right of appeal would be tolerated. At the end of the day, America must have closure, and my administration intends to bring that closure so that my fellow Americans will be able to sleep easier.” No questions were permitted at the press conference where President Obama disclosed the outline of his new system. Actually, since no questions were to be permitted, the press conference was held without the press being present and prepared remarks were faxed, emailed and texed to the members of the press corps.
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