Archive for April, 2009
(Washington, D.C., April 29, 2009) (Exclusive to eGrumps)
After proudly proclaiming his accomplishments during the first 100 days, President Obama quoted that late great comedian, Al Jolsen “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”
Later. at his weekly grand meeting of csars, one of the csars, thinking his microphone was shut off, was overheard to say, “If the American people are happy with the first 100 days, wait until we reach the full period of gestation, 9 months. Then they might realize how badly they have been screwed.”
There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that he is now an out-of-work csar. Not yet anyhow. It would be bad for the Administration’s image.
(Washington DC, April 28, 2009) (Exclusive to eGrumps)
President Obama recently announced a possible new direction to determine American foreign policy. Citing the statement of Polish pianist, Krystian Kimerman (“KK”), made in Los Angeles yesterday, that he would no longer play in the United States because of our foreign policy, Guantanamo Bay, and our relations with Poland, the President has decided to consult a new group to determine if KK’s pronouncement should determine the conduct of the entire United States of America. He thought KK might have a point, but he didn’t think one pianist from Poland (no matter how famous) should determine America’s actions. Therefore he has decided to poll the entire Polish National Symphony Orchestra (123 musicians) to let them make the decision. He considered requiring a super majority (2/3rds) of the orchestra in order to be binding on the United States or perhaps requiring a super majority only of those who voted to make the decision. Despite known Polish opposition to the old Russian Tsars, he consulted with all Czars he had previously appointed to run America to get their opinions. A near-unanimous decision was made to count only those musicians who voted, and then only require a simple majority.
As a compromise to his critics, however, President Obama decided to allow the Conductor to vote, even though he was not technically a musician. In line with the Administrations position on card-check legislation for American labor unions, the vote would not be secret. He stated “This represents a great step forward for America. We are consulting our foreign friends, not one simple musician, to make decisions for our country, and what better people to consult than the Polish National Symphony Orchestra, a truly impartial cosmopolitan group.” He went on to say that “It may be possible for America to poll other nation’s symphony orchestras, soccer teams, glee clubs or similar groups to determine America’s policies. It is truly a giant step forward toward bilateral cooperation, and will show that America is no longer arrogant toward the rest of the world. I hope Mrs. Clinton, the Secretary of State, will not mind this new approach to foreign policy, but I won the election. I hope she remembers. Is America a great country, or what?”
I went out with a pair of twins last night.
Really, did you have a good time?
Yes and no.
(Washington DC, April 25,2009)(Exclusive to eGrumps)
The famous citizens group (an anonymous group) set up to investigate the non-condemnation and non-request for investigation of ethical misconduct has created a special award to be awarded to that member of Congress who has failed to (i) either condemn ethical misconduct or (ii) request the prompt investigation of alleged ethical misconduct. This award will be awarded at least once each year, or more often if the circumstances warrant. This award has been called The Pelosi.In two years the Committee on Standards of Ethical Conduct, created as an independent committee to refer maters to the House Ethics Committee, has not referred one matter to the House Committee. The Committee on Standards proceedings are secret but were designed to “end the culture of corruption” in Washington. No criticism has been heard from Mrs. Pelosi about this non-action.
While many ethical lapses have been evident, the following actions appear to be particularly egregious and while investigations may have started, no request for prompt action and the issuance of a report by the House Ethics Committee have been called for by the Speaker of the House, Mrs. Pelosi. In making the award of The Pelosi, the following was considered.
1. The failure to call for the prompt issuance of a report on the alleged actions of Rep. Rangel. Among other things, Rep. Rangel is alleged to have used four rent stabilized apartments in New York for living and for offices while claiming his Washington DC home as his residence for tax purposes., the failure to report $75K in rental income, and several other matters.
2. The failure to call for the prompt issuance of a report on the alleged actions of Rep. Murtha. Mr. Murtha is alleged to have steered hundred of millions of dollars to PMA Group, who in turn channeled a significant portion of that money to firms that were major campaign supporters of Rep. Murtha.
3. The failure to call for the prompt issuance of a report on the alleged actions of Rep. Jackson, who has been indicted on sixteen criminal counts including racketeering, soliciting bribes, etc.
4. The failure to call for the issuance of a report on Sen. Dodd, for questionable financial dealings with Countrywide Financial and the purchase of a “cottage” in Ireland.
5. The failure to look into the statements by certain members of Congress (including Speaker Pelosi) that they were never briefed on enhanced interrogation techniques that included waterboarding although they say they were briefed but not on specifics. Minutes of meetings must exist, but Speaker Pelosi has not called for their release.
Offsetting this, of course is the Ethics Committee investigation of Rep. Zach Space who is alleged to have gone 65 mph in a 50 mph speed zone. Speaker Pelosi must get some credit for this.
Considering all of this, the award of The Pelosi,must go, fittingly enough, to Rep. Nancy Pelosi. Speaker Pelosi has decline to comment on the award of The Pelosi to her, although she should be quite proud of this singular honor.
Letter to Anonymous
So. California Water Department
RE: Sale of Waterboards.
Dear Madam or Sir:
You may not recognize my name, bit I am (Classified) with the CIA. I have held that position for many years and I must say that yours was the most novel request we have ever received concerning our waterboards. We have already refused to sell them to (Classified) since they will not commit to working on the re-engineering problem.
We are always anxious to dispose of surplus items, budgets being what they are these days, so I have sent your request to the (Classified) Committee of the CIA to consider your request for surplus waterboards. You did not mention a price you would be willing to pay, but I am sure we can negotiate a mutually acceptable price per unit, with some quantity discount being considered.
The (Classified) Committee is looking into the technical aspects of liquefying the water boards. We are fully aware of the fact that was the original purpose of the waterboard, but some of our (Classified) got a little over zealous and found a new use for the product. Unfortunately, we are no longer able to access his formula and reverse engineer it to turn the waterboards back to water. Because of the sensitive nature of his job, and the prying eyes of (Classified) he was transferred to (Classified). We would bring him back for consultation, but unfortunately the computer program we used to assign his duty station has been compromised, and, quite frankly, we do not know where he/she is. We suspect (Classified) hacked into our program, but that is a mere suspicion and I don’t want to unfairly accuse that country without further proof. The computer worm that compromised our system shows a propensity to eat oriental dishes, such as chop suey, and has requested we input the digital formula for chop sticks into the machine for the worm’s use, but we suspect this may be a ploy from (Classified) to throw suspicion on another country. That, of course, is not your problem.
We would be willing, however, to sell, or maybe even give, some of the surplus waterboards to you without the liquidization formula if you would agree to share the results of your research with us; we would be glad to pay you a nominal royalty. Surely you have qualified scientists in Southern California, at least I think you do. UCLA and USC are located there – perhaps they can help. Not all of their students are professional athletes, are they?
In the meantime, we will continue to try and recreate the waterization formula and attempt to find our missing (Classified). It may be, even if we find him, that by this time he will have gone “native,” (that seems to happen quite a bit for some reason) and not be interested in helping his old employer out, despite the fact we have given him a very substantial pension.
Please consisder an offer of taking the waterboards without the waterization formula. We, of course, will continue to pursue our research and will be glad to bring you into the loop on this. It may be that the two orginizations, working together, can make faster progress that either of us working alone. You know, two heads are better…etc.
I look forward from hearing from you at your earliest convenience.
Director of (Classified) CIA
Letter to the Director, CIA
You may have read, or your agents may have told you, that there is a very severe water shortage in So. California. Water is being rationed and we will only be allowed to water our lawns two days a week, and then not between 9:00 AM and 5:00 PM.
This will have severe economic consequences for all of the gardners in this area since they cannot possibly get to each house to water during the proper days and times, and hence they will have nothing to do with their time during the other hours. They will lose income, the gardening supply houses and the nurseries will suffer, and no doubt their wives will rebel at having them home so much. This is a very severe social and economic problem.
Why am I writing you asking for your help? Well, I read in the papers that your use of waterboarding is being severely curtailed, if not prohibited outright. So – you can solve our problems and even help give the President a reason to be proud of outlawing waterboarding, no matter how successful it has been.
Please ship us all of your waterboards, new or reconditioned, it doesn’t matter. We can distribute them around. The drought problem of Southern California will be solved. Waterboards can be put to productive use, the use for which they were originally intended – the transporting and supplying of water through solid-state boards. If you can please send instructions as to how to liquefy the waterboards, it would be greatly appreciated.
There is no need to tell the bad guys you are disposing of the waterboards, they know how to beat the system anyhow, but it might pay to keep them guessing that you are still holding some in reserve.
Thank you for your courtesy in considering our request.
Yours very truly
(name withheld for security reasons)
(Los Angeles County Zoo. Exclusive, April 21, 2009) EGrumps has learned of a meeting of the primates (Apes, Monkeys, Orangutans and Miscellaneous other primate species) that recently took place at the County Zoo. The Primates wanted to discus the theory of Intelligent Design, or Creationism, and its effect on Primates. The theory that homo sapiens (man) was not descended from the Primates through evolution, but rather came about through Intelligent Design, was of great concern.
A wide ranging discussion took place with a variety of views presented. Some concern was expressed that, if Creationism became prevalent, it would lower the primates standing in the hierarchy of life. As one Chimp said, “Look, if the humans don’t want to be descended from us, we may not be treated the same as before. They could even remove our fake trees and rubber tires which are so much fun. Why should they give them to us if we are not related?’
A contrary view was expressed by a spider monkey, who said “Great, who wants to be related to those bozos anyhow. All they do is eat, drink, fornicate and make war on their fellow humans, which really puts us in a bad light with our little ones. How can we explain such behavior to them? Good riddance, I say. These animals, figuratively speaking of course, should not be descended from us. It is no great honor.”
The King of the Apes opined: “Charles Darwin was full of it. The Origin of Species was the greatest con-job of all time, and we are paying the price for such nonsense. Mutations determining the future of species? Who is going to fall for that? It is preposterous, on its face. In intellect we are far superior to them, and the fact they throw us bananas to eat only shows how gullible they are. Maybe we can get a good T-Bone steak (with potatoes) if they accept the facts. Personally, I’m sick of bananas. I’d tell them where they can put their bananas, but I don’t think that would be the civilized thing to do.”
After much discussion, the Primates decided to form a Committee (The Primate Commission(also know as ‘The PC’) to make recommendations. The meeting adjourned with a promise by the Ape King to continue the discussion once The PC report had been received. Everyone agreed that the matter was quite serious and the consequences for the Primates was of great concern not only to them but for future generations of Primates.
“We’re mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore,” the King of Apes yelled, thumping his chest for emphasis as the meeting adjourned.
Energy Secretary Steven Chu at a Trinidad and Tobago conference (No, not at the Tabasco Sauce factory conference) stated the rise in temperature was “very, very scary” with future flooding, etc. etc. etc.
eGrumps has three questions for him:
1. Should I buy waterfront land in Palm Springs or Death Valley? Which do you think has the greatest long-range potential?
2. Should I invest in a sand-bag company, or merely stock up on empty sand bags for the coming flooding?
3. What will the weather be like tomorrow, or next week? Should I take my raincoat and umbrella to work? Please respond to this inquiry ASAP – time is of the essence, and Mrs. eGrumps is beginning to nag me, again, as to my going to work in a T-shirt. She doesn’t believe in global warming and says that “I must dress warmly so I don’t catch cold.” I keep telling her about global warming, but she is a skeptic, and doesn’t believe the t-shirt is appropriate dress when it is snowing outside. What does she know – global warming is here, and I am ready for it.
Please Steve, if you can tell the temperature 50 to 100 years from now, can’t you advise me as to some proper investments for the coming calamity and as to what the weather will be like tomorrow and next week. Of course, if you can’t tell me that, how can you tell me what the weather will be like 50 to 100 years from now. The evening weatherperson isn’t too good at predictions, but she is kind of cute. I can accept her mistakes because of the cuteness factor, but you don’t get any such pass, and, after all, you are TUWP – The Ultimate Weather Person, or you wouldn’t have the government position you have, unless, of course, you are after the “fringe” benefits. You haven’t already bought the sand bag company, have you? Tell me that isn’t so, Steve. Don’t disillusion me about Washington politicians.
1. An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
2. Education has produced a vast population able to read, but unable
to distinguish what is worth reading. (G.M.Trevelyan).
3. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. (S. Landesberg)
4. Artifical intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. Always remember – you are unique, just like everyone else.
6. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.
7. eGrumps is mentally unbalanced (eGrumps)
Stating that he could not understand why the good citizens of the United States did not want the Detainees from Gitmo (now called Happy Acres Farm – see posting of March 27, 2009.) to be released into our society, President Obama announced today that he was going to set an example and accept at least twenty of the formerly designated Enemy Combatants to work in the White House. They will be employed as gardeners, cooks, house “maids,” even secretaries and other vital and necessary tasks for the smooth running of the White House. Some of them will even be allowed to oversee the shooting range where our Secret Service Agents practice. “This will allow them to become productive members of society, earn an honest living, pay American taxes, and set an example to the rest of the world” President Obama stated. “I don’t care what the Secret Service says,” he went on to say, “they could probably teach those bozos a trick or two. We stand ready to make peace with all our former enemies – these men are no longer terrorists, they are no longer citizens of the Axis of Evil countries, they are citizens of the world. Nationalism is a thing of the past. We stand ready to welcome them with open arms . I only hope that this will set an example for the rest of the United States to take the rest of these poor, abused souls into their hearts and minds. Michelle and I, and the kids, are overjoyed at the prospect of showing the rest of the world our kindness and are looking forward to meeting them in person. This can only be a positive development for our country.” He hoped the rest of the United States would adopt the rest of these poor individuals who have been so mistreated and abused by an arrogant America. He urged America to ignore the Red Cross report about the humane conditions in Gitmo.
Contrary to what you may read, while America may be rapidly turning away from Capitalism, it is not turning toward Socialism. Indeed, it is turning toward the Russian Imperial Monarchy model. (Don’t believe me, read on) We now have a King of Czars. We have Tsar Power (or Czar Power if you prefer).
We (America, that is) now have tsars almost without number – energy tsar, infotech tsar, health-reform tsar, terrorism tsar (I suppose he should be called an anti-terrorism tsar), drug tsar, car tsar (maybe) etc. etc. The Tsars’ duties and responsibilities, not to mention limitations on their power, are vague, at best. Except for the Teleprompter Tsar, who can keep track of all of them.
The President is now the King of the Czars, or King of the Tsars, as you prefer. As to the name of “King of Czars,” if you don’t like the name - well, my old friend William Shakespeare said it best:
“What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet…”
There is no truth to the rumor that the new dog in the White House is not a Portugese Water Dog, but a Russian Wolfhound in disguise.
You heard it here first – “TSAR” POWER. (“Tsar” is “star” spelled inside out.)
Dear Ms. Napolitano:
I am a Veteran and object most strongly to your Department’s report, that you must have approved, that military veterans could be susceptible to right wing recruiters or commit lone acts of violence because of our military training. Your report seems to say that this can create a potential devastating threat to the peace and freedom of America.
Well, Ms. N. I believe this may be true with one small qualification – we veterans can also be susceptible to left wing, not to mention center wing, recruiters. We may also not be susceptible to right, left or center wing recruiters. I am sure some veterans are and some are not – so your statement is pure nonsense and does nothing to help Homeland Security, your stated mission. I most respectfully suggest you return your salary for the time you spent on this stupid report.
I want to confess, however. When I was mustered out, as a combat veteran, I was proficient in the bow and arrow. There was not one bad-guy Indian who was not terrified of me. I could hit a moving target at 250+ yards and was the scourge of the entire North American continent. Squaws used to sit around the campfires warning their little papooses to be fearful of me – I was known by the nickname “Dead Eye eGrumps.”
Now, however, I can not even see 250 yards. I can still hit a target with the old bow and arrow, provided it is not moving and is 10 feet or less in front of me. My peripheral vision isn’t too good either.
So, Ms. N. – please amend your report to exclude old Veterans from presenting any danger to the peace and freedom of the Republic. The report is simply not fair, and I object. I’m sure my old friends would feel the same way, but they are either dead or in nursing homes and can’t remember doodly. Don’t forget to give back your salary!
Our president said in his speech:
“I know there is a criticism out there that my administration has somehow been spending with reckless abandon, pushing a liberal social agenda while mortgaging our children’s future.”
Mr. President, you’re kidding, right? Criticism? Nah – it isn’t happening – much!
I wonder if the President and Congress have considered the inconsistency in their plan to limit the wages and bonuses of those employed in industry. The government has taken the position that some companies are too big to fail and therefore should be subsidised by the American taxpayer and salaries and bonuses should be limited. Without considering the merits of such a policy and its result to the company and America, the government has apparently not considered what happens if salaries and bonuses are reduced? You got it – more money is left in the company. The companies, by undeniable logic, now get bigger – more money retained “in house” makes them bigger – and now they may no longer be “too big to fail,” but they may be ”too super big to fail” and the government has done this all on its own by its misguided policy. Now – if the government wants to prevent this so the companies are no longer “too big to fail,” the companies should pay out more money as salaries and bonuses, and if enough is paid out, the companies may no longer fit the definition of being “too big to fail.” I think this would be a win-win situation. Think about it – my conclusion is logically correct. As usual, the government is doing everything backwards.
Chris Matthews, the TV Commentator who once said that one of Pres. Obama’s speeches sent tingles up his leg, called the three shots from the three Seals that killed the Pirates “lucky.” We should all be that lucky in our chosen careers.. With that kind of luck the three Seals should leave for Las Vegas immedately. Drinks are on Chris who will probably want to drink to their luck.
Congressional Hearing, 2003
“Rep. Frank: I do think I do not want the same kind of focus on safety and soundness that we have in OCC [Office of the Comptroller of the Currency] and OTS [Office of Thrift Supervision]. I want to roll the dice a little bit more in this situation towards subsidized housing.
Rep. Frank: I believe there has been more alarm raised about potential unsafety and unsoundness than, in fact, exists.
That is the same Barney Frank who is now trying to “fix” the banking system. Last time he rolled the dice, he crapped out.