Letter to Anonymous
So. California Water Department
RE: Sale of Waterboards.
Dear Madam or Sir:
You may not recognize my name, bit I am (Classified) with the CIA. I have held that position for many years and I must say that yours was the most novel request we have ever received concerning our waterboards. We have already refused to sell them to (Classified) since they will not commit to working on the re-engineering problem.
We are always anxious to dispose of surplus items, budgets being what they are these days, so I have sent your request to the (Classified) Committee of the CIA to consider your request for surplus waterboards. You did not mention a price you would be willing to pay, but I am sure we can negotiate a mutually acceptable price per unit, with some quantity discount being considered.
The (Classified) Committee is looking into the technical aspects of liquefying the water boards. We are fully aware of the fact that was the original purpose of the waterboard, but some of our (Classified) got a little over zealous and found a new use for the product. Unfortunately, we are no longer able to access his formula and reverse engineer it to turn the waterboards back to water. Because of the sensitive nature of his job, and the prying eyes of (Classified) he was transferred to (Classified). We would bring him back for consultation, but unfortunately the computer program we used to assign his duty station has been compromised, and, quite frankly, we do not know where he/she is. We suspect (Classified) hacked into our program, but that is a mere suspicion and I don’t want to unfairly accuse that country without further proof. The computer worm that compromised our system shows a propensity to eat oriental dishes, such as chop suey, and has requested we input the digital formula for chop sticks into the machine for the worm’s use, but we suspect this may be a ploy from (Classified) to throw suspicion on another country. That, of course, is not your problem.
We would be willing, however, to sell, or maybe even give, some of the surplus waterboards to you without the liquidization formula if you would agree to share the results of your research with us; we would be glad to pay you a nominal royalty. Surely you have qualified scientists in Southern California, at least I think you do. UCLA and USC are located there – perhaps they can help. Not all of their students are professional athletes, are they?
In the meantime, we will continue to try and recreate the waterization formula and attempt to find our missing (Classified). It may be, even if we find him, that by this time he will have gone “native,” (that seems to happen quite a bit for some reason) and not be interested in helping his old employer out, despite the fact we have given him a very substantial pension.
Please consisder an offer of taking the waterboards without the waterization formula. We, of course, will continue to pursue our research and will be glad to bring you into the loop on this. It may be that the two orginizations, working together, can make faster progress that either of us working alone. You know, two heads are better…etc.
I look forward from hearing from you at your earliest convenience.
(Classified)
Director of (Classified) CIA
Langle, VA.
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