Archive for July, 2009
Friday, July 31st, 2009
Washington, D.C., July 31, 2009 (eGrumps Commentary)
eGrumps has received advance information concerning the Administration’s plan to curb health care costs under the proposed Health-Care-For-All Plan. The idea came from another plan adopted by Obama’s administration and its application to the health care cost problem is pure genius.
The Administration has proposed that whenever the treatment protocol for treating senior citizens is too expensive, the senior will be offered cash in lieu of life-extending treatment. Since there may be some reluctance for the patient to refuse treatment and receive cash, the incentive will be offered, in complete secrecy of course, to the children and grandchildren of the “soon” to die senior relative.
If the cost of treatment is, say $100,000 to extend the life of the patient for six months, what child or grandchild wouldn’t accept $50,000 in cash to relieve Granny of the pain and suffering, and lousy qualify of life, she would otherwise have enjoyed for such a brief period of time.
It’s a win/win situation. Granny is saved from the misery of the last few months of her life, the government will not have to tie up valuable and expensive resources to treat her, and the kids will have $50,000 cash (less funeral expenses) to remember what a wonderful person Granny was.
It will give new meaning to the term: “Cash for Clunkers.”
Thursday, July 30th, 2009
Washington D. C. July 30, 2009
Today’s beer party at the White House had to be the dullest beer party in history. Even with Joe Biden, famous for his rapier-like wit, the action was not too lively. Maybe they needed more peanuts.
Next time – have a keg ready and invite a few of eGrump’s friends. They could really contribute to whatever type of understanding was trying to be reached. As a matter of fact, have two kegs ready and they could solve all kinds of problems. They could even come up with a few problems that President BHO didn’t even know existed. Let them write the laws to solve these problems. Their proposed laws, as written, would be totally unintelligible (like eGrumps friends), but then so are all of the other bills that are being passed without Congress reading them. As for readability – they might be an improvement – but who knows – they aren’t read anyhow until someone sues somebody about something, like the meaning of the unintelligible language.
The degree of eGrump’s friends expertise, and their proposed solution, is in direct proportion to the number of people drinking, the number of kegs consumed and the time to consume them.
Tuesday, July 28th, 2009
The eGrumps Dissembling Information of the Year Award (so far): To the House Committee which explained why private health care insurance will still be available under the pending Obama Health Care Bill (or at least one of the pending health care bills.)
Definition: Dissemble: To hide under a false appearance; to put on the appearance : conceal facts, intentions or feelings under a false pretense. To mislead.
The present bill ” protects current coverage — allowing individuals to keep the insurance they have if they like it – and preserves choice of doctors, hospitals and health plans.” The Summary posted by the House Committees on Ways and Means, Energy and Commerce and Education and Labor – July 14, 2009.
Page 16 of the House Bill: – “…the individual health insurer offering such coverage..” can continue to offer such coverage provided that “the individual health insurer offering such coverage does NOT enroll any individual…” after the first day the law becomes effective.
OK – you can keep your current coverage (without any changes or modifications, if the insurance company still offers it, and you want to pay whatever the premium is at the time you renew, but you will not be able to change coverage (even if you don’t need the previous coverage), or go to any other private insurance carrier, and if you leave a company to work for yourself you will not be able to buy individual plans from private carriers. Sooner or later, in the real world, the only option will be the government health insurance plan.
No mention is made of Medicare, which will be drastically cut back.
Is the House Committee report misleading? In a way, I think so – the impression is given that you can get private insurance coverage if you want to, but not really – what is actually said is that your ONLY option is to keep your present coverage, no matter what the price and the coverage you now have, or go to the government insurance plan.
For example, what if your existing policy offers preganancy coverage, but because of your age, you no longer need that type of coverage. Either you keep that policy as is, paying for coverage you don’t need or want, or go to the government coverage.
There can be no competition between private insurance carriers for your business – because you can’t enroll in a private plan with new or different coverage or with a different carrier. You can keep what you have, but that’s it. Is this clearly explained in the Committee summary? I don’t think so. It is a classic case of dissembling information by not fully explaining what is being done.
Sunday, July 26th, 2009
Washington, D. C. July 26, 2009 (Comentary by eGrumps)
The gurus in Washington have, once again, found wondrous ways to confuse the issue by communicating with us, whom they believe to be the gullible American people, with rather strange choices of words. Words are our principal means of communication and the Washington Press Corps seems to be suffering from laryngitis, not able to ask questions about the meaning of some of the words. This is, however, nothing new and is hardly a fault which can be attributed to Obama’s administration – but, his is the party in power, so perhaps some questions should be asked.
1. President Obama, when commenting on le affair Gates, said he would have calibrated his words differently. Please – explain – what the heck does that mean – “calibrate” words differently. Probably means he’s sorry he didn’t use a bigger caliber gun, or maybe a smaller caliber gun.
eGrumps award for the Most Creative Use of Language for 2009 (so far) to: Peter Orszag
2. Peter Orszag, the White House Director of the Budget, said:
a. The House health care bill is “deficit neutral.” What is deficit neutral? Is that like “surplus neutral?” I think I know what he meant, but couldn’t it have been said with a more clarity? (The Congressional Budget Office hardly says it is fiscally neutral, but what do they know.) Besides – I thought we were going to try to reduce the deficit.
b. “That’s already baked into our fiscal trajectory.” Huh?
c. “Bending the cost curve” Huh?
If it is baked into the fiscal trajectory, was the cost curve bent before it went into the fiscal trajectory. Maybe it was only half-baked into the fiscal trajectory, thus allowing for future bending of the cost curve. Don’t know. Perhaps someone should have asked what this meant. I know if he had used a larger caliber gun, the trajectory would have been different, but that’s only a semi-baked assumption.
Friday, July 24th, 2009
Washington D.C. July 24, 2009 (Commentary by eGrumps)
“I could’ve calibrated those words differently.” so sayeth the President. Actually, several learned scholars have said that what he really should have said was “I miscalibrated those words.”
The scholarly semantical journals have said that the whole controversy would have gone away if (i) he uncalibrated the words first, (ii) then recalibrate the miscalibrated words, and (iii) say what he really should have said, thus doing away with the great debate that will fill the halls of academia for decades, thus doing away with such arcane words as “calibrate,” “miscalibrate,” “recalibrate” and “uncalibrate.” However, the entire subject could provide grounds for a substantial government grant to study this problem so do not look for the controversy to go away.
A simple “I could have put the matter a little differently. I misspoke,” if he felt he did, would have been just fine, we all do that, even eGrumps. Nothing to be ashamed of. No big deal to say what you really meant to say. It happens to eGrumps all the time, especially when talking to police officers when they are giving him a traffic ticket.
As my good friend Hamlet said (more or less)
“To calibrate differently, or not to calibrate differently: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep….”
Friday, July 24th, 2009
Washington, D. C, July 24, 2009 (Commenteary by eGrumps)
Despite saying that securing Afghanistan is near the top of his foreign policy initives, President Obama stated that “victory” isn’t necessarily the goal.
eGrumps has two comments:
1. “His” foreign policy initives – shouldn’t he have said “America’s foreign policy initives?” (It may not be near the top of his goals, but I suspect the people of America feel that if is near the top of our goals, the policy should be for victory. If not, we shouldn’t have gotten in the “game” in the first place.)
2. President, baby – when can we play poker? I love your philosophy. Don’t play to win. My friends don’t call me “the shark” for nothing. If you aren’t going to play to win, or even if you are only playing for a tie – you’ll be eaten alive by the predators in any poker game I ever played in. I hope the people you negotiate with on behalf of America don’t know your philosophy, because they’ll also eat America alive, if they haven’t already. What time is the poker game in the White House on Saturday night? Please tell the secret service people to let me in. Don’t worry, I’ll bring the cards and the chips. Your chef came take care of the snacks.
Thursday, July 23rd, 2009
Washington D. C. July 23, 2009 (Reported by eGrumps)
In an effort to revive public approval of his Health Care Plan, and to reassure the American people that they would continue to receive prompt, quality health care, President Obama announced that he was recruiting senior executives from inside government departments. Their experience, he announced, should silence all criticism of the way Obamacare would be managed and should reassure the American people that he had their best interests at heart.
He announced a nine (9) person Management Committee with complete oversight of America’s entire health programs including medical personnel (doctors, nurses and technicans), medical and nursing schools, medications (legal and illegal), hospitals, nursing homes and cemetaries, medical devices and medical manuals and books.
The nine (9) person Committee would be appointed by him – three (3) from the Board of Directors of Amtrack, three (3) from the Management of the Postal Service, and three (3) from FEMA, all of whom will have had experience with the Katrina rescue mission. I hope to have a racially diverse group and a gender neutral group (although, unless we use a transgender cross-dresser, it may be difficult to divide two sexes into a nine member Board.) If I have trouble on selecting these members, ACORN has promised to help and their reputation is unblemished, almost.
The outstanding way these departments have performed over the years should give rest to any rumors that I will not appoint experienced executives to run 1/6th of the American economy. Their background cannot be matched by any Board of Directors of any corporation or labor union in the country, no matter what the industry.
He stated that this my fellow citizens is a win/win situation. Any criticism of Obamacare should now stop – right now – I mean it. I’ve done my best for the American people and there now can be no legitimate criticism of Obamacare. Partisan politics have no place in this situation. Anyone who has the temerity to criticise this plan is, as Joe Biden once said about not paying taxes, simply not patriotic.
Sunday, July 19th, 2009
Washington, D. C., July 19, 2009 (eGrumps commentary)
The following major legislative pushes are now being undertaken in Washington by the Obama administration:
(1). Major Health Care Reform plan.
(2) Cap and Trade plan.
(3) Global Climate Change plan (formerlly know as Global Warming plan)
(4) Stimulus 2 Plan.
(5) Finance Plan to figure out how to pay for Items 1, 2, 3, and 4 above (not to mention how to pay for the Tarp plan and Stimulus 1 plan) without either (i)breaking President Obama’s campaign pledge that no one having an income of less than $250,000 will see his or her taxes increased or (ii) explain that he misspoke (or the teleprompter was wrong) on the 30 or 40 times he said that, and that he meant to say $25,000, or maybe $2500 dollars, or perhaps even $250 dollars – or more likely $2.50.
“If he really meant to say no one earning less than $2.50 would have his taxes raised, that could have been a
promise he could have kept, I think” (eGrumps)
Friday, July 17th, 2009
Washington, D. C., July 17, 2009 (eGrumps Commentary)
The Administration proudly announced today that 34 states have less than a 10% unemployment rate. A spokesman said “Considering today’s economic climate, and the mess the prior administration left us with, we consider this a remarkable achievement.”
When questioned by eGrumps as to the unemployment rate when Pres. Obama took over, he stated “We are extremelly proud of our record. We think the rate of unemployment is actually decreasing because the rate of increase in unemployment is decreasing.” eGrumps said: “Huh!”
It was pointed out 16 states had an unemployment rate of over 10%, The spokesmman proudly announced, “We are quite pleased, it could have been 50 states with over a 10% unemployment rate, and we are a long way from that. Time is on our side.” he said. eGrumps, in his usual brilliant rhetorical style said: “Huh.”
eGrumps responses were memorable. Other attendees at the press conference said they had never, ever heard such clear, concise and inciteful commentary from anyone in the Washington Press Corps. They were considering nominating him for a Pulitzer prize. When told of this, eGrumps said “Whee! – will I now make as much as Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers?” (Another inciteful comment from him.)
Thursday, July 16th, 2009
Los Angeles, CA, July 16, 2009 (Commentary by eGrumps)
Los Angeles City Councilperson Janice Hahn has proposed taxing sales of medical marijuana as a way of raising money for the Great Insolvent City of Los Angeles.
The Legislature of the Great Insolvent State of California, upon reading of this brilliant idea, has proposed going one step further. Why tax only medical marijuana, one Assemblyperson (who asked to have his/her name withheld) said “Let’s tax sales of all marijuana, and while we’re at it, lets tax meth, cocaine and all other substances that are now illegal. We can declare a fiscal emergency and make everything legal. It’s a better solution than the bankruptcy court. California is simply too big to fail.”
“We have a fiscal crisis here,” he said. “Half of you people in the Senate and Assembly are frequent users of recreational drugs, anyhow, so let’s tax them. Hell, most of you are stoned at least once each week when you come to work. Not to worry, however, we’ll exempt sales to Senators and Assemblypeople from any tax.”
Another speaker commented that it will give new meaning to the phrase “Go West, Young Man and Woman – come to California and really enjoy it. See it like you never have before.” Don’t worry about the Feds, we’ll give them a discounted price too. I predict we will have our budget balanced in six months, or sooner – after all, we are only $24 million (or is it billion?) in the red. It may be the only solution – and think what it will do to our tourist industry. It’s a win-win situation.”
He suggested a new state song – California High.
An indpendent newspaper reporter noted that in all his years of covering Sacramento, he had never seen these jerks so excited.
Monday, July 13th, 2009
(Washington D. C., July 13, 2009)(eGrumps commentary)
The ethnic clash in the so-called Western Autonomous Region of China has been largely ignored by America’s Major TV Networks and Main Stream Media.
What is going on over there is a very serious clash between two ethnic groups. but not much of it is reported in America.
The answer as to why it is not reported is simple. The region is called the Xinjang Region. The Capital City is Urumgi and the second city is called Kashgar. The ethnic dispute is between the Uighurs (ethnic Muslim’s) and the Hun Chinese (not ethnic Muslims).
None of the people on TV can pronounce any of those names, yet alone find the area on a map of China. No one in print media can spell any of those names, yet alone find the area on a map of China. America remains ignorant.
Too bad it wasn’t like Tibet – there our media was right on it – they could spell it, pronounce it, and find it on a map.. I wonder how President Obama and Mrs’ Clinton’s State Depatment feel about this conflict. I suppose it’s like Iran (without nuclear weapons) – America will not meddle. Maybe Obama will appoint another Czar to analyze it and determine what position America should take on this ethnic conflict. Probably nothing – he will not be able to find it or spell the names either.
Sunday, July 12th, 2009
(Washington, D. C, (July 12, 2009) (eGrumps Comments)
Barbara Boxer, Senator from the Great Insolvent State of California, has stated that if the bill to cut global climate change (no longer called the bill to eliminate global warming) is not passed there will be dire results: (1) droughts, (2) flood, (3) fires, (4) loss of species, (5) damage to agriculture, (6) worsening air polution and (7 t0 10) ”more.”
eGrumps noted the similarity to the 10 Plagues that would be inflicted upon Egypt if the Pharoah refused to let the Hebrews go. The divine inflicted plagues were : (1) Water to Blood, (2) Frogs, (3) Gnats or Lice, (4) Flies, (5) Livestock Diseased, (6) Boils, (7) Thunder and Hail, (8) Locusts, (9) Darkness and (10) Death of the Firstborn. (see the Old Testament for complete description).
One can only speculate if the Firstborn will be killed if her bill is not passed, but what did she mean by the use of the word “more?” Has the good Senator got a direct line to the Almighty?
Since China has refused to endorse the bill to cut climate change, and since they only have allowed one birth per family, does this mean that the entire Chinese population will be will be wiped out within one generation if the dire consequences of Senator Boxer includes Death of the Firstborn? Is that what she wants – doesn’t seem too ecologically sound – I thought one of the purposes of the bill was to prevent the loss of species.
As a matter of fact, this might be one of the law of unintended consequences – America’s debt to China would be wiped out since there would be no one left to collect it.
Senator Boxer (who doesn’t like to be addressed as “Ma’am”) might be smarter than anyone thought. Way to go, Barbara, change the “dire results list” to specifically include the Tenth Biblical Plage – Death of the Firstborn. Look, if it was good enough to be used in the Bible as a Plague, it’s good enough for you to use as a scare tactic to pass the law to cut global climate change.
Saturday, July 11th, 2009
I am the computer your mother warned you about
Keyboard not found, press F1 to continue.
You might have mail
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim
Hit any user to continue.
Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
(Washington, D.C; Moscow, Russia, July 9,2009) (exclusive to eGrumps)
In news releases handed out simultaneously to the press in Washington, D.C. and Moscow, Russia, the Obama Administration announced that they had requested Congress to enact a new bill calling for the immediate enactment of a new $2,000,000,000 Stimulus Bill and three(3) $2,000,000,000 standby Stimulus Bills.
When asked about the details of the new bills, the Administration announced that it did not matter, Congress never read the first stimulus bill before it was passed and there was no reason they should read the next stimulus bills. “Trust Me.” some anonymous Administration official said. In view of the fact no one knew his name and no one knew the contents of the new bills, they seemed like slam-dunks for passage.
A Stimulus Czar was appointed by Executive Order, but because of fears for his(or her) safety, his(or her) name was not announced, but it was placed in a sealed envelope in the White House safe so there would be no question that he (or she) had been appointed and the extent of his (or her) authority. “Trust us on this” another anonymous White House Official said.
Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
(Moscow, July 8, 2009)(exclusive to eGrumps)
Facing widespread criticism about the perceived unfairness of the Agreement (see story posted by eGrumps on July 7, 2009) he made with Premier Putin, the Administration proudly announced its renegotiation. The new Agreement, the Administration spokesperson said, was fair to all parties and created an aura of good feelings between President Obama and Prime Minister Putin which should last for generations.
The bottom line is that Russia agreed to turn over Mrs. Putin’s secret recipe for sour cream to go with Borscht. Sour cream is a traditional add-in to Borscht. Her secret (indeed, top secret) recipe for sour cream to be used in Borscht will usher in a new feeling of peace and prosperity between our two countries.
In exchange for this disclosure, President Obama agreed to redirect America’s spy satelite system to exclude overflights of Russia. “It’s a small price to pay,” the Administration spokesperson said, “because the information we have received has been totally useless, being filed away in the archives of our intelligence services, and we wouldn’t act on it anyhow even if anyone could interpret it correctly, which they probably can’t do, even if they wanted to.”
He went on to say, “The sour cream recipe, however, is priceless. President Obama, once again, has shown his brilliance in protecting America’s interests. The American people will sleep better at night, having eaten Ludmia Putin’s recipe for Borscht with Sour Cream. They didn’t know about spy satelites anyhow.”
Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
(Washington, D. C., July 7, 2009)(Exclusive to eGrumps)
Pres. Obama’s Administration proudly announced that a major breakthrough had taken place in negotiations with Vladimir Putin. America has agreed to abandon its plans for a missile defense system for Europe, ceased development work on modern weapons and agreed to destory is arsenal of nuclear weapons in a phased manner, to occur over the next 8 days. In return, Prime Minister Putin agreed to turn over his wife’s, Ludmila Putin, secret recipe for Russian Borscht.
The President was extremely proud of this deal. He planned to have his Food Czar distribute this wonderful recipe to every person in America and mandate the serving of borscht in every restaurant and home in America every Friday. Borscht, a form of beet soup, was very healthy.
The principal economic advantage to America will be to mandate that every tobacco farmer in America grow good, healthful beets instead of the poisonous tobacco plant. To assist these growers in providing not only a useful crop, but an economically viable crop, he would impose a tariff of $1.00 per pund on imported beets and beet products. They announced that this system had worked so well in taxing imported ethanol and sugar, it would no doubt work as well for the beet growers of America. If that tariff provide to be too small, he had the power to raise it to provide protection for the American public.
The ex-tobacco growers of America were ecstatic.
When asked about the abandonment of the missile defense system, the cessation of work on modern weapons and the destruction of America’s nuclear arsenal, the spokesperson for the President replied, “Who needs this junk anyhow.”
Sunday, July 5th, 2009
Question to eGrumps – “What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?”
eGrumps Answer – “I don’t know and I don’t care.”
Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
(Washington, D. C., July 1, 2009) (exclusive to eGrumps)
President Obama has released a tenative list of the countries that are on his meddle/do not meddle list.
Stressing the fact that this list was a work-in-process and could be modified as events dictated, the following countries were listed:
Never Meddle: (i) Iran, (ii)Venezuela (iii) Cuba and (iv) Saudi Arabia.
Sometimes Meddle/Sometimes Not Meddle: Honduras (if the Dictator is reinstated to the position from which he was removed for not following the Constituion of Honduras, this will go in the “Do not Meddle” category. If he is forced to remain in exile, then America may “meddle.”
Always Meddle: (i) Israel and (ii) California (although technicalally not a Country, the very size of CA and it’s economic importance makes it necessary to include it in this category.)
The President assured the American poeople that it was necsary to draw the meddle/do not meddle line at some point, even though it may result in some unwanted consequences in order to protect Ameria’s interests. As one unnamed Administration Spokesperson said: “Trust us on this.”