Washington, D.C., August 5, 2009 (Commentary by Grumps)

Renaming the White House:

In a momentus and unprecedented announcement from the White House (the “WH”), in view of the racial “controversy” surrounding  Sonya Sotomayor, Professor Gates, Barack Obama and others and  in view of all of the various ethnicity’s residing in the US (legally and illegally), the Obama Administration announced that in an effort to bring racial harmony to DC, the WH would no longer be called the WH. It announced that six interior and exterior decorators, of various nationalities and religions, had been hired (as part of the Stimulus, Cash for Clunkers and TARP programs) to repaint the WH in different colors. “It will better reflect the true diversity of the United States” an Administration spokesman said. “Every wing, wall, roof section, and column will be of a different color. The various hues to be used will be in direct proportion to the hues of our population, i.e. X% White, Y%, Black,  Z% brown as determined by the census to be conducted every ten years.Regardless of the census, however,  at least a 1% color will be allocated to each group, even if that percentage is not reflected in the census figures.”

The ex-WH will be repainted every ten years to keep the color arraingment current. There was some controversy because  the Administration Diversity Czar, Religious Czar and the Freedom from Religious Czar felt the colors should be based upon the percentage of religious beliefs held by various religious and non-religious groups in the US. This was not adopted because of a dispute as to what color would be allocated to the atheists.

The matter of which color will be placed where was still under discussion. A major point of controversy was the new name for the WH, since WH would no longer be appropriate. Because of the cost of reprinting stationery, business cards, maps, web site names, etc. it was decided to keep the “H” in place so everyone could merely white-out the W. Someone suggested it should be called the “Ex-WH,” since all that needed to be done was to stamp “Ex” before “WH,” but a number of the committee members said that reminded them of their ex-wives, which was not good. It was almost decided to call it “The House of Ill-Repute,” or HIR, even though it did bring to mind the number of other houses of ill-repute in DC. It was clear that some confusion would arise since when someone said I’ll meet you at the House of Ill Repute, it was ambiguous, to say the least., as to where they would meet – not to mention with whom.

Finally – the Committee decided to call it “The President’s House of Ill Repute,” or “PHIR” for short. In view of what had gone on in the WH in previous years, the Committee felt the new name was quite appropriate.