Washington, D. C. (Exclusive to Grumps (January 20, 2010)
Four major computer makers, who asked that their names not be divulged since their products were still under development, held a press conference in Washington D. C. announcing the development of a super mini computer for post-death use. The new machines had been designed to fit into a coffin so that the deceased individuals, who spent most of their lives on a computer, could continue spending eternity on the computers.
Software had been designed so that the computers could be connected to the Internet forever. An email program would allow the deceased to connect with other Internet users who were also dead. As far as battery life was concerned, an eternal power supply was a standard feature of the new machines. No web sites would be blocked, although some concern was expressed about the effect of a dead person going to a porn site, but since the developers would all be dead some day, and they all visited porn sites on a regular basis, they saw no harm in leaving those sites accessible.
Unlike their dead owners, these machines will be decay proof.
Facebook and Twitter will be available, although pictures of the dead, for obvious reasons, could not be uploaded. It was suggested that those types of sites should be accessed pre-death, to post pictures of the computer owners, not post-death. It was planned to give an educational pamphlet to each purchaser. They had already been printed in over 59 languages.
To prove the feasibility of these new computers, volunteers were asked to sign up, make out their Wills, leave instructions as to the placement of the computers, and then commit suicide.
Unfortunately, the companies had been unable to design a machine that could be used post-death by those who had been cremated. “We’re working on it,” one of the developers stated, “but the technical problems are immense.”
To say that everyone at the press conference was stunned would be an understatement.
The classification of these new computers:
Eternal Computers.
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