Washington, DC (February 28, 2010)

eGrumps has the complete and final solution to the problem of universal health care. Frankly, I’m surprised the Administration has not put forward this plan:

1. Anyone who doesn’t purchase the mandated health care insurance, will be guilty of a felony, and will be sent to jail – no right of appeal. (Those felons must be kept off of the street so they don’t infect the rest of the law abiding citizens of America with dangerous ideas.)

2. In jail they will receive free medical treatment.

3. Problem solved!

Democrats, Republicans, Independents – are you listening?

The question of buying the insurance or going to jail will be known as the “eGrumps option.”

Washington D. C. February 25, 2010                                                                   Special to eGrumps

In an effort to defuse scathing criticism about the lack of transparency  in the Health Care Deliberations, although promised by Candidate Obama in the presidential election, the White House announced a new policy to make the entire process transparent to the American people (and illegal aliens living in the United States).

A new piece of legislation will be introduced to allow the public to purchase Transparency Credits. These credits would be fully transferable, either by being sold or given to others.  Every owner of  10 Transparency Credits will be given a password to allow him, or her, the right to access, on their individual computers,  the otherwise closed committee meetings. For those individuals who cannot afford the purchase of Transparency Credits, say anyone below 800% of the poverty level, they will receive  an entitlement allowing them to purchase the Credits (or receive additional food stamps — their choice). The amount of time that access will be granted, per credit, was still being worked out. Similarly, whether House Committee meetings, Senate Committee meetings or Combined  Senate-House Committee meetings will cost the same to access was still under discussion. Closed White House Sessions will definitely cost more Transparency Credits, but how much more had not been determined.

A White House spokesman announced. “This is a win-win situation for the American people. President Obama will have fulfilled his campaign promises, the Treasury will receive substantial additional funds from the sale of the Credits, and everyone will know exactly what is going on behind closed doors because the process is now transparent. The President, in his campaign oratory never, ever said transparency would be free, and he hopes the public will recognize that fact – regardless of what the Bloggers of America, or the right-wing press, will tell the American people. He has issued a challenge for anyone to find a quotation where he said transparency will be free. It is a small price for the public to pay in order to gain access to the inner workings of the legislative process and to help reduce the deficit, which was caused by the previous administration.”

The spokesman went on to say: “The President has said that this will be true capitalistic democracy in action, not some wild socialistic scheme. He fully expects a market to develop for the sale of Transparency Credits where people can freely buy or sell the Credits.  Inquiries have been received from many Exchanges for the right to sell these Transparency Credits. The President hopes there will be no price gouging, but he is fully prepared to set price fixing goals if anyone is making too much money off of the Transparency Credit Market.

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In considering Obamacare for the masses (that’s most of you (but not me)) attention has been given to funeral parlors, funeral plots and funeral plans for the 21st century. While not formally a part of Obamacare, an intelligent (?) discussion in the White House, between various czar planners for Obamacare considered the following in order to reduce the population to manageable proportions to cut the total cost of Obamacare:

1. The best way to get somebody to live longer is to lean over and whisper the cost of a funeral in his ear (This will not be included in the law).

2. In California today, some cemeteries offer the deceased perpetual care and an answering service (This is a great idea and will be offered as a fringe benefit to those who want to be patriotic and die young. The government will subsidize the cemeteries offering this extra).

3. You can save money today on a funeral if the mortician has a used box (Great, we can have a subsidy – we’ll call it cash for coffins).

Miscellaneous sayings from “others” which will be included in a special provision in Obamacare to encourage an early demise.

a. In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes – die young and save taxes.

b. Death is just a low chemical trick played upon everybody, why be different, die now before they run out of chemicals.

c. If you could die now, you’d be the happiest man alive (Modified from a comment by Samuel Goldwyn.)

d.  ”To die will be an awfully big adventure.” (James Barrie)

e. “When good men die, their goodness doesn’t perish.” (Euripides)

f. “Of all escape mechanisms, death is the most efficient.” (H. L. Mencken)

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Washington D. C. February 11, 2010                  (exclusive to eGrumps)

Strong criticism has been levied at Governor Pallin’s use of her hand to store crib notes for her speech at the Tea Party Convention. Various reasons for the criticism have been advanced including an allegation that she obviously has Alzheimer’s disease and couldn’t remember the subject of her talk; the use of her left  hand, rather than her right hand, only confirms her desire to conceal her right wing bias; and the fact that her political advisors couldn’t spell more than three words.

The harshest criticism has come from the technophiles (almost all of the Democratic persuasion) that Gov. Palin, and her staff, are technologically obsolete.  One was heard to say “Look, if she knew what she was doing, she would have used teleprompters to have her entire speech prepared in advance. Look how advanced our President is, he never gives a speech without his teleprompters, and never, well, almost never, misspeaks.” One nerd went on to say “It just shows how behind the times Gov. Palin is. If President Obama  can do it, so can Gov. Palin. There would be no criticism of her if only she had used the teleprompter for the whole speech, like our President always does.  Has anyone ever criticized the President for having his entire speech printed out on a machine? As a matter of fact — the President fired his last speech writer for suggesting he have his speech printed out on his hand and shirtsleeves.”

Gov. Palin’s supporters insisted that this showed what an all-American woman Gov. Palin is, holding to old fashioned values, and not succumbing to the the lure of wasteful and expensive technology, when the old programming system works just as well, if not better.

America should be proud of her, not criticize her. It shows her ingenuity to not surrender her core values. One of her advisors was heard to say: “‘Look, if President Obama ever went on a moose hunt with Gov. Palin, he would be absolutely speechless in the wilds, unless a portable teleprompter could be found, and that would have to be packed in on dog sled – and then he would be running the risk that Gov. Palin’s husband would be driving the sled and would reprogram the machine. No – Gov. Palin deserves three loud cheers for her ingenuity.”

Washington, D. C. February 3, 2010               (Leaked to eGrumps by anonymous sources in the White House.)

The Chinese government has suggested it would not be in America’s best interests to meet with the Dalai Lama because, among other things, it would damage “trust and cooperation” between the two countries.

Regardless of the implied threat, the Administration, in an effort to quiet the rising tide of discontent between Las Vegas and the Administration, decided to schedule a meeting with the Dalai Lama in Las Vegas and to invite representatives from the Chinese government to attend. The Administration felt that (1)Chinese officialdom could not turn down a junket to Las Vegas (2)Las Vegas would welcome the visitors brought there by the conference, and (3)the hard feelings between Las Vegas and the President would be settled.

“It’s a trifecta” one Administration official told the enthusiastic Washington press corps. It is truly a win-win-win situation for the world. (The fact that the press would get to accompany the President to Las Vegas had nothing to do with their enthusiasm)

The Administration suggested that the Chinese bring the United States Bonds they owned on the trip and use them for “currency” at the gambling tables. America could back the casinos, and when the Chinese lost their bets, as they surely would, America could buy the Bonds back from the casinos at a very reasonable discount.  America would even pay for the plane fare for the Chinese to come to Vegas, and would allow them to use Nancy Pelosi’s airplane for the trip. The Administration felt Ms. P. would cooperate as long as they comped her, and her 43 person staff, for room and meals in Vegas.

“The whole thing is coming together” the Spokesperson said “how brilliant can our President be with this approach to world diplomacy.” When asked what would happen if the Chinese won at the tables, the spokesman was heard to say: “Never happen! Trust us on that.”

Washington, D. C. (February 2, 2010)           (Not exclusive to eGrumps)

A special slightly schizophrenic alert has been issued:

February 2, 2010: In Nashua, New Hampshire President Obama stated “When times are tough….You don’t blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you’re trying to save for college.” (I think most people know that)

February 2, 2010: In a letter to Senator Reid, President Obama stated “…There is no place better to have fun than Vegas, one of our country’s great destinations. I have always enjoyed my visits, look forward to visiting in a few weeks, and hope folks will visit in record numbers this year.” (presumably not with college tuition money)

Well, he also stated that he was trying to make the point that families use vacation dollars, not college tuition money, to have fun. The first quotation didn’t say anything about using vacation dollars or people having fun with vacation dollars (in Vegas). And why will older people, or people with no children, ever consider not using college tuition money, since there is no need to save for college tuition.

Nothing was said about those parents using college tuition money who win gambling in Vegas. (It does happen) Presumably that’s OK with the Pres.

A spokesperson for the Administration announced it is considering a scholarship plan for the children of any parent who used college tuition money and lost it gambling in Vegas.

An anonymous spokesperson for Las Vegas stated that he hoped the President was not going to use college tuition money for his children when he visits us.

The Las Vegas Resort Board is devising a test to show which money their visitors are using. If it is “college tuition” money – that’s a no-no, and the visitors will be asked to leave after five days. If it is “vacation money,” the visitors will be asked to leave after five days, or whenever their money runs out, whichever is last.