Washington D. C. (Special News Report to eGrumps. 
(February 1, 2013)

The Department of Defense officially announced today that they have authorized the use of women in front-line combat units. Comparing these brave women to the Amazons of yesterday, the Department felt very comfortable with using women as combat troops saying that history had proved there  is a vital role for American women in combat units.

In addition the department proudly announced that this increase in combat strength would more than offset the sale to Egypt of 20 F-16 combat aircraft and 200 front-line tanks and that our troops, men and women, would be more than ready to protect America and our values while still maintaining all of the built-up good will America has received by transferring these weapons to Egypt. The government of Egypt gave their word that the airplanes and tanks would only be used for defensive purposes.

This is a win-win situation for everyone, the Secretary of Defense said – for civil rights and equality between the sexes in the military, for international good will between Egypt and the United States, for helping bring peace to the Middle East, and for the protection of America and its allies. It is absolutely a no lose situation for America. We have protected our military integrity and combat readiness by offsetting a transfer of a few pieces of military hardware by increasing the effectiveness of our Army.

The following is well worth reading – eGrumps, the writer – details his recent vacation following the example of our President.

As you might have gathered in reading the newspapers or listening to the TV, or following the many blogs where the news seems slightly more reliable, depending, of course, on which blog you read. that the country is going to hell, rather quickly unfortunately.

Well, I have decided to do something about it:

I am going to take a vacation on Catalina’s Vineyard Island. (Formerly known as Catalina Island – off the coast of So. California)

I will not be out of touch with developments because I am taking my whole staff with me. I have a beautiful room lined up in a one-star motel overlooking the Miniature Golf course. Not to worry, however, I am taking my iPhone, iPad and laptop computer with me while I am on the links. My caddy has been vetted by the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, BAFT and DHS (and Mrs. eGrumps) so that shouldn’t be a problem. When they found out he was not here legally, but had not committed a serious crime while here, he passed with flying colors. They even gave him a temporary green card and made him promise to marry a citizen so he could qualify for immediate citizenship and voting rights.

The vetting process took about 15 minutes since everyone was having coffee at Starbucks, but once they realized the importance of the task they were asked to do, they finished their first cup, refused seconds and went to work. Mrs. eGrumps and I are very pleased with the efficiency that they acted to make sure I was safe on the links and that the top secret information I was receiving through Facebook would remain secure.

While there I intend to review the action taken by the Department of Homeland Security, taken in Washington, where 300,000 +/- people who were slated for deportation would not be slated for deportation. Except, for hardened criminals, the rest could stay. As “he” said, we don’t want to deport college kids and maids. No mention was made of maids who had committed serious crimes. Well, I think that might be a good policy if Congress had passed such a law, but, of course, they hadn’t. So — small detail. Me, I would expand those entitled to stay to include gardeners, busboys, parking lot attendants and lettuce and tomato pickers. If maids can stay, why not the rest. No sense in making them go to college – or was that the DREAM act which also did not pass Congress. I intend to review this whole situation at the 19th hole, if I’m not too tired.

I also intend to review the actions of the Environmental Protection Agency in promulgating rules to reduce carbon dioxide which will shut down about 35% of the coal fired plants in the United States. Rolling blackouts will, by every one’s projections, follow. I am aware that a full 3%, maybe 4%, of the carbon dioxide in the air comes from human emissions. If we have another volcanic eruption, that percentage will decline. I intend to talk to the caddy about this – hope he speaks English. Of course, if Congress had made carbon dioxide emissions subject to the EPA, it might have been more acceptable to the caddy.

I also intend to issue a Procamation congratulating GM in not honoring any warranty work on warranties issued before they went through bankruptcy and received their government “loan.” I want to make sure they are commended in doing their best to hold down the government deficit by keeping GM fiscally solvent so they can repay their loan before 2049. Patriotism must be recognized.
I’m really tired thinking about this before I leave for my vacation, but I must keep going. America needs a fully rested eGrumps so it can face the challenges ahead.

I had intended to think about the operation Fast and Furious matter, or Operation Gunrunner as it was called, when I was gone, but since the BATF promoted the people who were in charge, there was no sense in going into that. Besides, since I am sure that none of the AK-47s that were sold to the drug cartels will find their way to Catalina, it really isn’t my problem.

I’ve been thinking about contemplating the rule the NLRB is working on concerning so-called “ambush” elections and their failure to allow Boeing to move to South Carolina, but enough is enough.

I’ve been scouring the Catalina telephone book looking for McDonald’s so Mrs. eGrumps and I, not too mention the 100+ members of my staff can eat a healthy breakfast. I hope they will take my credit card, unless it has maxed out again. I didn’t really ask for this aggravation, but it’s a tough job, and someone has to do it, and the buck stops here, or at least stops with Mrs. eGrumps. She can handle the pressure. She has put up with me for 61+ years.

There is at least one other matter that I want to consider while I am away. I have asked my staff to come up with a way to change the state boundary lines so that we can have more Democratic leaning states and fewer Republican leaning states. Gerrymandering works on the state level to determine congressional seats, so why can’t it work on the federal level to determine the political make-up of the Senators? I truly believe the Founding Fathers and Founding Mothers, (once known as The Mamas and The Papas) not to mention the Founding Kidlets, would have intended this if they knew how many red leaning states there are.

I’m getting a headache with all these future plans to consider while I am on my vacation. The way things are going, I really think Congress should lake a longer vacation.

I want a new era of civility and politeness to enter the political debate. I think the standard has been set by Rep. Maxine Waters who said “the tea party can go straight to hell.” Thank you Maxine, for setting a clear baseline on civility that we can all follow.

That’s about it for now – I’ve got to pack and head to Air Force 329 (employing the latest in glider technology to reduce pollutants) so I can leave.

In an effort to protect American airliners, President Obama announced the formation of a dog corps, designed to sniff out trouble before it begins.

This is the story of the first graduate.

A man is seated in an airliner, which is about to take off when another man with a Labrador retriever occupies the empty seats next to him.
The lab is situated in the middle, and the man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains they work for  the airline.

The airline rep said,”Don’t mind Sniffer; he is the best sniffing dog  there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,”Watch this”. He tells the dog, “Sniffer search”.
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a  few seconds, then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
handlers arm. He says “Good boy.”

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making note of this and her seat
number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.”

“Fantastic!” replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffs
about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds and returns to its seat,and places two paws on the handlers arm. The airline rep says,
“That man is carrying cocaine, so again I’m making note of this and his seat number.”

“I like it!” says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while he sits down
next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well trained sniffing dog and asks,”Whats going on?”

The handler nervously replies,”He just found a bomb!”

_________________________________________________________________________

To: Robert M. Groves, Director U. S. Census

Dear Mr. Groves:

I have previously posted about your (our)(America’s) problem with the census you are taking. (See my posts of March 18 and March 22) I wrote about the enclosure letter I received with the census form and the separate letter that your Department subsequently sent. BOTH of them said, in effect – fill out the census form and mail it in right away. The problem was that the form asked for information  as of April 1, 2010, and your department wanted it mailed in prior to that date. By common logic,  common sense and basic intelligence, that information could not be provided accurately.

In case you can’t figure it out – let me state it again. I can not give you a report in March, 2010, telling you who is living in my house on April 1, 2010. I can’t tell you his or her sex, race or anything else about him or her, in advance – so stop bugging me.

Now – I have received a post card bearing your signature, you probably didn’t sign it personally,  stating “It is important that you respond…If you have not responded please provide your information…” I simply cannot do that, so stop wasting the government’s time and money asking me to do the impossible.

Somehow, Mr. Groves your conduct reminds me of Congress where they keep passing bills they haven’t read and don’t really understand the consequences. Your conduct casts a pall over the whole census procedure and should, I submit,  invalidate the census.  I don’t believe you have the guts to admit that you are invalidating the census procedure, but it should be retaken because you are telling everyone to do what can’t be truthfully done. You want the American public to lie, plain and simple.

You are making a mockery of U. S. Government statistics, but what else is new?

Cordially

eGrumps

Washington D. C. February 25, 2010                                                                   Special to eGrumps

In an effort to defuse scathing criticism about the lack of transparency  in the Health Care Deliberations, although promised by Candidate Obama in the presidential election, the White House announced a new policy to make the entire process transparent to the American people (and illegal aliens living in the United States).

A new piece of legislation will be introduced to allow the public to purchase Transparency Credits. These credits would be fully transferable, either by being sold or given to others.  Every owner of  10 Transparency Credits will be given a password to allow him, or her, the right to access, on their individual computers,  the otherwise closed committee meetings. For those individuals who cannot afford the purchase of Transparency Credits, say anyone below 800% of the poverty level, they will receive  an entitlement allowing them to purchase the Credits (or receive additional food stamps — their choice). The amount of time that access will be granted, per credit, was still being worked out. Similarly, whether House Committee meetings, Senate Committee meetings or Combined  Senate-House Committee meetings will cost the same to access was still under discussion. Closed White House Sessions will definitely cost more Transparency Credits, but how much more had not been determined.

A White House spokesman announced. “This is a win-win situation for the American people. President Obama will have fulfilled his campaign promises, the Treasury will receive substantial additional funds from the sale of the Credits, and everyone will know exactly what is going on behind closed doors because the process is now transparent. The President, in his campaign oratory never, ever said transparency would be free, and he hopes the public will recognize that fact – regardless of what the Bloggers of America, or the right-wing press, will tell the American people. He has issued a challenge for anyone to find a quotation where he said transparency will be free. It is a small price for the public to pay in order to gain access to the inner workings of the legislative process and to help reduce the deficit, which was caused by the previous administration.”

The spokesman went on to say: “The President has said that this will be true capitalistic democracy in action, not some wild socialistic scheme. He fully expects a market to develop for the sale of Transparency Credits where people can freely buy or sell the Credits.  Inquiries have been received from many Exchanges for the right to sell these Transparency Credits. The President hopes there will be no price gouging, but he is fully prepared to set price fixing goals if anyone is making too much money off of the Transparency Credit Market.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Washington D. C. February 11, 2010                  (exclusive to eGrumps)

Strong criticism has been levied at Governor Pallin’s use of her hand to store crib notes for her speech at the Tea Party Convention. Various reasons for the criticism have been advanced including an allegation that she obviously has Alzheimer’s disease and couldn’t remember the subject of her talk; the use of her left  hand, rather than her right hand, only confirms her desire to conceal her right wing bias; and the fact that her political advisors couldn’t spell more than three words.

The harshest criticism has come from the technophiles (almost all of the Democratic persuasion) that Gov. Palin, and her staff, are technologically obsolete.  One was heard to say “Look, if she knew what she was doing, she would have used teleprompters to have her entire speech prepared in advance. Look how advanced our President is, he never gives a speech without his teleprompters, and never, well, almost never, misspeaks.” One nerd went on to say “It just shows how behind the times Gov. Palin is. If President Obama  can do it, so can Gov. Palin. There would be no criticism of her if only she had used the teleprompter for the whole speech, like our President always does.  Has anyone ever criticized the President for having his entire speech printed out on a machine? As a matter of fact — the President fired his last speech writer for suggesting he have his speech printed out on his hand and shirtsleeves.”

Gov. Palin’s supporters insisted that this showed what an all-American woman Gov. Palin is, holding to old fashioned values, and not succumbing to the the lure of wasteful and expensive technology, when the old programming system works just as well, if not better.

America should be proud of her, not criticize her. It shows her ingenuity to not surrender her core values. One of her advisors was heard to say: “‘Look, if President Obama ever went on a moose hunt with Gov. Palin, he would be absolutely speechless in the wilds, unless a portable teleprompter could be found, and that would have to be packed in on dog sled – and then he would be running the risk that Gov. Palin’s husband would be driving the sled and would reprogram the machine. No – Gov. Palin deserves three loud cheers for her ingenuity.”

Washington, D. C. (February 2, 2010)           (Not exclusive to eGrumps)

A special slightly schizophrenic alert has been issued:

February 2, 2010: In Nashua, New Hampshire President Obama stated “When times are tough….You don’t blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you’re trying to save for college.” (I think most people know that)

February 2, 2010: In a letter to Senator Reid, President Obama stated “…There is no place better to have fun than Vegas, one of our country’s great destinations. I have always enjoyed my visits, look forward to visiting in a few weeks, and hope folks will visit in record numbers this year.” (presumably not with college tuition money)

Well, he also stated that he was trying to make the point that families use vacation dollars, not college tuition money, to have fun. The first quotation didn’t say anything about using vacation dollars or people having fun with vacation dollars (in Vegas). And why will older people, or people with no children, ever consider not using college tuition money, since there is no need to save for college tuition.

Nothing was said about those parents using college tuition money who win gambling in Vegas. (It does happen) Presumably that’s OK with the Pres.

A spokesperson for the Administration announced it is considering a scholarship plan for the children of any parent who used college tuition money and lost it gambling in Vegas.

An anonymous spokesperson for Las Vegas stated that he hoped the President was not going to use college tuition money for his children when he visits us.

The Las Vegas Resort Board is devising a test to show which money their visitors are using. If it is “college tuition” money – that’s a no-no, and the visitors will be asked to leave after five days. If it is “vacation money,” the visitors will be asked to leave after five days, or whenever their money runs out, whichever is last.

Washington, D. C. (January 8, 2010)

(Special to eGrumps) The Department of Homeland Security after an exhaustive review of the “security measures” in place to protect our country is instituting a  novel approach to provide greater security for Americans. Legal Aliens, and Illegal Aliens residing in the United States. Citing the difficulty in not providing security for those here illegally, without violating their rights, the Department concluded that the same protection would be afforded for all. “It’s the American way,” a spokesperson said. “besides, the President has been told that some of the ‘undocumented workers’ even pay taxes (once they are caught and about to be deported). What’s fair is fair.”

The new “see-through” scanners would not have caught the Underwear Bomber, despite their enormous cost. “We are purchasing them anyhow,” the spokesperson said  ”because some of the terrorists might not be smart enough to realize they don’t really work too well and many of them cannot read the spec sheets put out by the manufacturers. It’s  a calculated risk, and it might work, but in any event is well worth the millions of dollars the machines cost. If they don’t prove effective, we can always resell them to the legal brothels in Los Vegas in order to provide them a quick way to screen their customers and determine which male customer should be paired up (almost said “fitted”) with which female employee. We could even make a profit on the resale.”

Having said that, the spokesman then disclosed the new machine that will be purchased. After reading the news stories about the “Fort Hood Bomber,” and the “Underwear Bomber” the investigators all concluded that there was a “failure to connect the dots.” Even President Obama, he of the open and transparent government, stated that there was a “failure to connect the dots.”

“Our new machine,” the spokesperson said is a “Connect The Dots Machine. If it had been in place, the Fort Hood shooter would have been caught in a preemptive strike and the Underwear Bomber wouldn’t even have been allowed to board the airplane. It’s what we have been missing – a ‘Connect the Dots Machine.’ It’s virtually foolproof when correctly programmed.”

When asked about details of the machine and how it worked the spokesperson merely grinned and said release of the details are on a need to know basis, and if the ‘terrorists,” enemy combatants’ and ‘bad’  guys knew of the technology involved, they could take steps to circumvent the high-tech circuitry that these machines employ.”  ”As soon as the Administration feels it is safe to release the details” the spokesperson stated that “The President would go on C-Span so that America would know all about these machines. and how they work. even President Obama has stated ‘Trust me on this, would I ever promise to go on C-Span and not do it, and this time I don’t have my fingers crossed.”

_____________________________________________________________________________

Washington D. C., November 27, 2009              (Commentary from eGrumps)

eGrumps is proud to announce his highly prized “Senator-of-The-Year Award  – NOT” (so far)  to North Dakota Senator Kent Conrad for his comment about those opposed to trying KSM in a civilian court in New York City. It seems he feels (more…)

eGrumps, the owner of the other subprime web site, http://pithycomments.com, has generously not objected to our posting the following which we stole from him, which he, of course,  stole from others.

It’s Thanksgiving – hooray!! By special dispensation from eGrumps, all diets are automatically suspended until Friday, November 27, 2009. I knew you were waiting for that before you pig out today.

Many of you who drop in to this web site are from countries other than America. I hope you’ll join us in celebrating this holiday. Like my wife said about our marriage, no matter how bad things are, they can always get worse. (That’s hard to believe, at least about our marriage. ).

eGrumps wife is a great cook. Using a new recipe his wife put the turkey in aluminum foil. She had to roast it till it was brown. Twenty hours later the aluminum foil was still silver.

An optimist is a person who starts a diet on Thanksgiving day.

Thanksgiving is America’s chow-down feast, the one occasion in the year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.

The first turkeys were not wild. They just went crazy when they found out what we intended to do with them.

Last Thanksgiving eGrumps wife cooked a turkey in the microwave oven. We had to eat at seven-thirty in the morning.

Thanksgiving is a day when the turkey gets stuffed in the morning, and the family gets stuffed in the afternoon.

The Puritans celebrated Thanksgiving day to commemorate being saved from the Indians.  We continue to celebrate it to commemorate being saved from the Puritans.

After Thanksgiving dinner, the man who has trouble making ends meet ought to get himself a longer belt.

Thanksgiving is a day off that is usually followed by an off day.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Washington, D. C., October 10, 2009    (Satirical Comment by eGrumps)

President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for trying to bring peace to the world. His staff expressed surprise, but there is little doubt that all 34 Czars appointed by President Obama submitted his nomination to the Committee. An anonymous Czar stated that the rumor that the President was going to share the $1,400,000 prize with the Czars was not true. He promised to share only one-half, and then only on condition he would get the Prize in his first year in office.   An aide said the President was “totally surprised,” and while he knew he would get it in two or three years, he did not expect it this soon.     (more…)

In the drive to get Obamacare enacted in some form, President Obama in his speach, said the 30,000,000 “cannot” get health insurance. Peter Orszag, head of the Office of Management and Budget, said that figure was based upon “Census Bureau data.”

Wrong, wrong, wrong – the Census Bureau does not report who “cannot” get health insurance. It reports only on the number of people who do not have health insurance. It is a rather big leap to say that merely because one does not have health insurance, the lack of health insurance was based on the fact that it was unattainable.

The 30,000,000 figure may, or may not be, accurate – but it is certainly not supported by Census Bureau data. Perhaps it would not be amiss for the Washington Press Corps, to keep its somewhat tarmished integrity intact,  might ask the President’s Press Secretary where that figure came from.

One would think that passing such important legislation should be based on accurate figures, not misrepresented figures, whether such misrepresentation was intentional or not.

(Washington D.C. June 20, 2009)(exclusive to eGrumps)

The Administration, when asked at a press conference what factors they had used in determining whether America would “meddle” in the internal affairs of other countries gave a quite satsifactory explanation, they said.  Pressed as to why America has said it would not “meddle” in Iran, but apparently would “meddle”  in Israel, the spokesman replied to the Press Corps as follows:

“The Administration has been quite consistent following the criteria that was developed. Basically we did it on an Alphabetical Basis. We decided not to meddle in the countries whose first initial was between “A” and “Ir.”  As you can see, Iran fit the “non-meddle” group, and Israel just missed the cut. It was in the “meddle” category. I hope that shows the logical basis the President has followed. Nothing was arbitrary. It was all done fairly and openly based upon a set standard. I hope that answers your question No further questions.”

          Update: Finally on the afternoon of June 20, 2009, President Obama jumped off the fence and issued the following statement:

“The Iranian government must understand that the world is watching. We mourn each and every innocent life that is lost. We call on the Iranian government to stop all violent and unjust actions against its own people. The universal rights to assembly and free speech must be respected, and the United States stands with all who seek to exercise those rights.

As I said in Cairo, suppressing ideas never succeeds in making them go away. The Iranian people will ultimately judge the actions of their own government. If the Iranian government seeks the respect of the international community, it must respect the dignity of its own people and govern through consent, not coercion.

Martin Luther King once said – “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.” I believe that. The international community believes that. And right now, we are bearing witness to the Iranian peoples’ belief in that truth, and we will continue to bear witness.”

I might have said it differently, but thank you, Mr. President.
eGrumps

 

 

 

(Washington D.C, June 8, 2009) (exclusive to eGrumps)

President Obama has come up with a plan to satisfy The United State’s debt to China. Expressing his concern over how this debt would ever be repaid, he has come up with an ingenious solution which, he said, was a win-win solution.

In complete cancellation of America’s debt to China, he has proposed giving then California. That would reduce the need to bail-out California and eliminate the need to repay China. It is an ideal solution to these problems.

As to whether China would want California with their debt, why not?  They can certainly run California better than it has been run. As for the cooperation of California’s strong labor unions, if they are assured by China that their contracts will be honored, they certainly would go along with this.

This may, indeed, be a model that can be followed now and in the future. America will sell off its states to finance its growing deficits. Despite the fact that California voted overwhelmingly for his election, President Obama was sure the good people of California would understand. He felt it was their patriotic duty to assist the United States. He promised to institute free Chinese language programs, immediately, in all of California’s schools and to commence the distribution of free chopsticks so that Californians could become familiar with their operation before the actual transfer of California.

(Washington, D. C., June 6, 2009)(exclusive to eGrumps)

The administration proudly announced that their proposed health care plan was financially very feasible. “This plan will work” said one spokesperson (who asked for anonynimity). Those who object to the plan have not considered the plan to reduce costs by limiting, or else reducing certain procedures. While the scope of the limited procedures has not been finalized, the elimination of  the procedures will be based on the age of the recipient. The older the person is, the less that will be authorized with a cut-off date of all treatments beginning at age 103. That will be progressively reduced, so that by 2010, the cut-off date will be age ninety. By 2011, the cut off date will be eighty, and so. There is no truth to the rumor that by 2018, the cut-off  age will be thirty-five. That probably will not come, they said until 2020. The administration was considering a lower cut-off date for those illegal aliens who will be entitled to full benefits.

Everyone, regardless of age, will get free aspirin to help with pain management.

This who do not endorse the plan are very poor sports, and, indeed, not patriotic.

There is no truth to rumor that “obese” people will not qualify. “Look,” the spokesman said, “If they don’t want to take care of themselves, the government must.”

In order to make this fair to everyone, no one can opt-out of coverage. It simply would not be fair, they said, to allow the rich to pay for their own health care and save their lives, unless, of course, the patient is a big political contributor to the political party in power. This will be called the “political exemption” and the scope of the exemption will be determined by the President. There will be no right of appeal.

Free burial service will be offered in government-run cemeteries.

The plan has been unanimously endorsed by everyone under the age of 25.

The plan is based upon the plan in the movie “Soylent Green,” and the science fiction novel “Make Room! Make Room!” by Hary Harrison. Both excellent examples of how such a plan will work.

(Sacramento,CA, June 2,2009)(Exclusive to eGrumps)

In order to help solve the severe water shortage in the State of California, the Governor announced the formation of a new Shower Pool Department (“SPD”). The SPD would function like the existing car pool department. Each person who would like to take a shower with one or more other persons will register with the SPD, giving certain preferences for shower pooling, and the SPD will attempt to match up shower poolers. There will be no charge for the service.

The reduction in water usage, by having two or more people shower together, will be substantial and will once again establish California in the forefront of clean environmental standards.

A preliminary draft of the questionnaire is as follows:

1. Name and Address:_______________________________________
2. Are you over the age of 18?:________________________________
3. Are you a man or a woman?:______ Would you like to shower with more than one person?:___________If so, how many?:_________________________
4. How about pet animals. Do you want to wash them in the shower at the same time?:
 If so, please give the breed of the animal, whether it has been neutered, and its
 weight and height.______________________________________________
5. What time of the day works for you?:___________________________________
6.  Do you prefer showering with men, or women, or both (or don’t you
 give a damn?:______________________________________________________
7. Do you like your shower water hot, medium or cold?:______________________
8. What type of soap do you prefer.______________________________________
9. Do you want to shave or shampoo in the shower, if so – which?:______________
 Would you mind if your shower mate shaves or shampoos in the shower?____________
10. Do you have any kinky preferences that you will be looking for in your shower mate? If    so, what are they?:______
11. Do you expect your shower partner to wash your back?____Would you mind washing the back
of your shower partner?:_______

Kindly submit a picture, naked or fully clothed – your choice. Except for sending the picture to other potential shower partners, or posting it on the web so others may see you, your picture
will be held in a confidential manner.

The Governor stated that he thought this was a real breakthrough in the green revolution. As we have saved gasoline by our car pool system, so we will save water in our shower pool system. Please sign up with the SPD at your earliest convenience so we can get this off and running.

(Sacramento, CA, May 31,2009)(exclusive to eGrumps)

In a desperate attempt to avoid bankruptcy, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, announced that the golden state of California was looking for a merger partner. He stated “Although we may be slightly tarnished because of a few small financial problems, California would make a great acquisition for another state,  a sovereign country or even a private organization. We have hired a mergers & acquisition specialist to assist us in this search. Lehman Brothers was the logical choice, but to show our financial acumen, after hiring them for Twenty Million Dollars, they went bankrupt. California tried, and they can’t be faulted for that. “

“We have considerd asking the government to intervene, but then, we are the government. “

“My Chief of Staff has called  President Obama’s office to inquire further, and they did seem somewhat interested. They suggested we call the UAW to see if they will take over management of California if the federal government would provide the needed cash inflow to California.  Needless to say, we are actively pursuing this. They seemed to think it could function like the Chrysler bailout and all the US had to do was cancel the franchises of statehood previous awarded to other states.

There seems to be no reason the United Auto Workers could not run California, at least as well as the legislature and the Governor has. I think the Feds have enough money to bail California out, and I am sure the People of California will not mind whatever conditions they impose.  Indeed, if the UAW takes over the schools and universities, its young people will probably get a better education. If the UAW takes over governmental services, our citizens would probably get a more efficient government. It seems to be a win-win situation.

Gov. Schwarzenegger said he was sure the People would be happy, as long as they didn’t raise taxes.

Washington D.C, May 29, 2009 (Exclusive to eGrumps)

In an effort to fill out the Cabinet of Czars, President BHO appointed a  new Cyber Czar whose job it will be to protect cyberspace from foreign based attacks on the American computer communication infrastructure, thus protecting the security of the United States.

In addition domestic attacks on the computer communication infrastructure will be investigated and also shut down under certain circumstances. While the criteria has not been established as to the scope of powers given to this Czar, The  Obama spokesperson stated that there is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Internet criticisms of the Obama Administration will be considered a domestic terror attack and those web sites will be shut down.

However, having said that, Internet statements such as “I hope Obama’s plans do not succeed” will be considered as an attack on America security (even from a domestic source) since one of his plans is to protect America from foreign Internet terrorist attacks and if someone doesn’t want that plan to succeed it will be considered a direct cyberspace attack on the United States.  

The logic is inescapable.

On April 12, 2009, after North Korea’s first missile launch, I wrote the following:
“President Obama decided to take affirmative action against North Korea today. Expressing great admiration for the United Nations for planning to adopt a “presidential statement” on Monday condemning North Korea for their missile launch, he has ordered 100,000 paper copies of the U N Statement when it is adopted. He issued the following statement: “I have ordered the United States Air Force to stand by on full alert to make paper airplanes out of the pieces of  paper we have ordered from the U N.  These paper airplanes will soon be launched against North Korea at a time and place of America’s choosing,” he said. “The North Koreans will be deluged with our paper airplanes which should, if my security council analysis is correct (and when have they ever been wrong),  completely paralyze the whole North Korean economy. That will teach them to never again deny the United Nations. We stand ready, willing and able to carry out the mandate of the UN.  This shows the value of international cooperation. The U N shall prevail”

Kim Il Sung issued the following statement. “Capitalist Pigs – we stand ready to defend the sovereign integrity of our country. We have ordered 100,000 paper shredders which, as this statement is being issued, are being deployed around the country.  We have repeatedly said that America is a paper tiger, and this wholly unprovoked action by America only proves the truth of our statement.  If these paper airplanes ever reach our shores, we stand ready to destroy the whole American paper air force.  We shall prevail!”

May 26, 2009.
Apparently the NK chief honcho didn’t take it seriously because they successfully defeated our paper airplane attack. Now NK has shot off more missiles and tested a nuclear device. After considering the results of their last reaction to America’s actions, Pres. BHO ordered the Army, Navy, Air Force and Coast Guard, plus the Marines, (and the boy and girl scouts) to come up with a new plan. The Joint Chiefs decided the reason the  old plan didn’t work was that their paper shredders overcame our paper airplanes. They concluded we needed more paper airplanes and ordered the production of 250,000 paper airplanes, this time they were to be treated with an ingredient to cause rashes and itching.. As the Chief of Staff put it, if  we can’t drop a paper airplane down the air shaft of their nuclear facility, at least we will overwhelm them with shredded paper. If it should rain after our avalanche of paper airplanes, so much the better. NK will be under soggy paper which will have no use whatsoever. Our intelligence experts concluded that one of the reasons the first paper airplane attack didn’t work was because those that weren’t shredded were used for toilet paper – if the new ones are soggy – the results will be self-evident. If we treat the paper, and enough escape their shredders, they will develop rashes, and they will probably scratch themselves to death.  American ingenuity will win the day.

President Obama stated “Public opinion be damned, America must, and will, attack — as soon as it rains.”

The Army has a toast:  “To Absent Friends.”

As I drove  past the National Veterans Administration Cemetery yesterday, I saw hundreds of boy and girl scouts, with their leaders, placing a flag on each grave.

While driving past it today, I saw thousands of American flags, one flying over each grave, I thought of that long forgotten toast. While some of the persons who are buried there may not have died while on active duty, they all served our country.  I believe most were killed  on active duty. Any veteran is entitled to be buried in a National Cemetery. 

The cemetery is very old. I think many buried there go back to World War I, and perhaps to even earlier conflicts. Regardless, it is very moving to see so many flags representing so many men and women who died to preserve our freedom. 

 So, think of their sacrifices, and make a toast today; “To Absent Friends.” It is the very least any of us can do.