As you might have gathered in reading the newspapers or listening to the TV, or following the many blogs where the news seems slightly more reliable, depending, of course, on which blog you read. that the country is going to hell, rather quickly unfortunately.

Well, I have decided to do something about it:

I am going to take a vacation on Catalina’s Vineyard Island. (Formerly known as Catalina Island – off the coast of So. California)

I will not be out of touch with developments because I am taking my whole staff with me. I have a beautiful room lined up in a one-star motel overlooking the Miniature Golf course. Not to worry, however, I am taking my iPhone, iPad and laptop computer with me while I am on the links. My caddy has been vetted by the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, BAFT and DHS (and Mrs. eGrumps) so that shouldn’t be a problem. When they found out he was not here legally, but had not committed a serious crime while here, he passed with flying colors. They even gave him a temporary green card and made him promise to marry a citizen so he could qualify for immediate citizenship and voting rights.

The vetting process took about 15 minutes since everyone was having coffee at Starbucks, but once they realized the importance of the task they were asked to do, they finished their first cup, refused seconds and went to work. Mrs. eGrumps and I are very pleased with the efficiency that they acted to make sure I was safe on the links and that the top secret information I was receiving through Facebook would remain secure.

While there I intend to review the action taken by the Department of Homeland Security, taken in Washington, where 300,000 +/- people who were slated for deportation would not be slated for deportation. Except, for hardened criminals, the rest could stay. As “he” said, we don’t want to deport college kids and maids. No mention was made of maids who had committed serious crimes. Well, I think that might be a good policy if Congress had passed such a law, but, of course, they hadn’t. So — small detail. Me, I would expand those entitled to stay to include gardeners, busboys, parking lot attendants and lettuce and tomato pickers. If maids can stay, why not the rest. No sense in making them go to college – or was that the DREAM act which also did not pass Congress. I intend to review this whole situation at the 19th hole, if I’m not too tired.

I also intend to review the actions of the Environmental Protection Agency in promulgating rules to reduce carbon dioxide which will shut down about 35% of the coal fired plants in the United States. Rolling blackouts will, by every one’s projections, follow. I am aware that a full 3%, maybe 4%, of the carbon dioxide in the air comes from human emissions. If we have another volcanic eruption, that percentage will decline. I intend to talk to the caddy about this – hope he speaks English. Of course, if Congress had made carbon dioxide emissions subject to the EPA, it might have been more acceptable to the caddy.

I also intend to issue a Procamation congratulating GM in not honoring any warranty work on warranties issued before they went through bankruptcy and received their government “loan.” I want to make sure they are commended in doing their best to hold down the government deficit by keeping GM fiscally solvent so they can repay their loan before 2049. Patriotism must be recognized.
I’m really tired thinking about this before I leave for my vacation, but I must keep going. America needs a fully rested eGrumps so it can face the challenges ahead.

I had intended to think about the operation Fast and Furious matter, or Operation Gunrunner as it was called, when I was gone, but since the BATF promoted the people who were in charge, there was no sense in going into that. Besides, since I am sure that none of the AK-47s that were sold to the drug cartels will find their way to Catalina, it really isn’t my problem.

I’ve been thinking about contemplating the rule the NLRB is working on concerning so-called “ambush” elections and their failure to allow Boeing to move to South Carolina, but enough is enough.

I’ve been scouring the Catalina telephone book looking for McDonald’s so Mrs. eGrumps and I, not too mention the 100+ members of my staff can eat a healthy breakfast. I hope they will take my credit card, unless it has maxed out again. I didn’t really ask for this aggravation, but it’s a tough job, and someone has to do it, and the buck stops here, or at least stops with Mrs. eGrumps. She can handle the pressure. She has put up with me for 61+ years.

There is at least one other matter that I want to consider while I am away. I have asked my staff to come up with a way to change the state boundary lines so that we can have more Democratic leaning states and fewer Republican leaning states. Gerrymandering works on the state level to determine congressional seats, so why can’t it work on the federal level to determine the political make-up of the Senators? I truly believe the Founding Fathers and Founding Mothers, (once known as The Mamas and The Papas) not to mention the Founding Kidlets, would have intended this if they knew how many red leaning states there are.

I’m getting a headache with all these future plans to consider while I am on my vacation. The way things are going, I really think Congress should lake a longer vacation.

I want a new era of civility and politeness to enter the political debate. I think the standard has been set by Rep. Maxine Waters who said “the tea party can go straight to hell.” Thank you Maxine, for setting a clear baseline on civility that we can all follow.

That’s about it for now – I’ve got to pack and head to Air Force 329 (employing the latest in glider technology to reduce pollutants) so I can leave.

This is the story of the first graduate.

A man is seated in an airliner, which is about to take off when another man with a Labrador retriever occupies the empty seats next to him.
The lab is situated in the middle, and the man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains they work for  the airline.

The airline rep said,”Don’t mind Sniffer; he is the best sniffing dog  there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,”Watch this”. He tells the dog, “Sniffer search”.
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a  few seconds, then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
handlers arm. He says “Good boy.”

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making note of this and her seat
number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.”

“Fantastic!” replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffs
about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds and returns to its seat,and places two paws on the handlers arm. The airline rep says,
“That man is carrying cocaine, so again I’m making note of this and his seat number.”

“I like it!” says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while he sits down
next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well trained sniffing dog and asks,”Whats going on?”

The handler nervously replies,”He just found a bomb!”

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Dear Mr. Groves:

I have previously posted about your (our)(America’s) problem with the census you are taking. (See my posts of March 18 and March 22) I wrote about the enclosure letter I received with the census form and the separate letter that your Department subsequently sent. BOTH of them said, in effect – fill out the census form and mail it in right away. The problem was that the form asked for information  as of April 1, 2010, and your department wanted it mailed in prior to that date. By common logic,  common sense and basic intelligence, that information could not be provided accurately.

In case you can’t figure it out – let me state it again. I can not give you a report in March, 2010, telling you who is living in my house on April 1, 2010. I can’t tell you his or her sex, race or anything else about him or her, in advance – so stop bugging me.

Now – I have received a post card bearing your signature, you probably didn’t sign it personally,  stating “It is important that you respond…If you have not responded please provide your information…” I simply cannot do that, so stop wasting the government’s time and money asking me to do the impossible.

Somehow, Mr. Groves your conduct reminds me of Congress where they keep passing bills they haven’t read and don’t really understand the consequences. Your conduct casts a pall over the whole census procedure and should, I submit,  invalidate the census.  I don’t believe you have the guts to admit that you are invalidating the census procedure, but it should be retaken because you are telling everyone to do what can’t be truthfully done. You want the American public to lie, plain and simple.

You are making a mockery of U. S. Government statistics, but what else is new?

Cordially

eGrumps

In an effort to defuse scathing criticism about the lack of transparency  in the Health Care Deliberations, although promised by Candidate Obama in the presidential election, the White House announced a new policy to make the entire process transparent to the American people (and illegal aliens living in the United States).

A new piece of legislation will be introduced to allow the public to purchase Transparency Credits. These credits would be fully transferable, either by being sold or given to others.  Every owner of  10 Transparency Credits will be given a password to allow him, or her, the right to access, on their individual computers,  the otherwise closed committee meetings. For those individuals who cannot afford the purchase of Transparency Credits, say anyone below 800% of the poverty level, they will receive  an entitlement allowing them to purchase the Credits (or receive additional food stamps — their choice). The amount of time that access will be granted, per credit, was still being worked out. Similarly, whether House Committee meetings, Senate Committee meetings or Combined  Senate-House Committee meetings will cost the same to access was still under discussion. Closed White House Sessions will definitely cost more Transparency Credits, but how much more had not been determined.

A White House spokesman announced. “This is a win-win situation for the American people. President Obama will have fulfilled his campaign promises, the Treasury will receive substantial additional funds from the sale of the Credits, and everyone will know exactly what is going on behind closed doors because the process is now transparent. The President, in his campaign oratory never, ever said transparency would be free, and he hopes the public will recognize that fact – regardless of what the Bloggers of America, or the right-wing press, will tell the American people. He has issued a challenge for anyone to find a quotation where he said transparency will be free. It is a small price for the public to pay in order to gain access to the inner workings of the legislative process and to help reduce the deficit, which was caused by the previous administration.”

The spokesman went on to say: “The President has said that this will be true capitalistic democracy in action, not some wild socialistic scheme. He fully expects a market to develop for the sale of Transparency Credits where people can freely buy or sell the Credits.  Inquiries have been received from many Exchanges for the right to sell these Transparency Credits. The President hopes there will be no price gouging, but he is fully prepared to set price fixing goals if anyone is making too much money off of the Transparency Credit Market.

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Strong criticism has been levied at Governor Pallin’s use of her hand to store crib notes for her speech at the Tea Party Convention. Various reasons for the criticism have been advanced including an allegation that she obviously has Alzheimer’s disease and couldn’t remember the subject of her talk; the use of her left  hand, rather than her right hand, only confirms her desire to conceal her right wing bias; and the fact that her political advisors couldn’t spell more than three words.

The harshest criticism has come from the technophiles (almost all of the Democratic persuasion) that Gov. Palin, and her staff, are technologically obsolete.  One was heard to say “Look, if she knew what she was doing, she would have used teleprompters to have her entire speech prepared in advance. Look how advanced our President is, he never gives a speech without his teleprompters, and never, well, almost never, misspeaks.” One nerd went on to say “It just shows how behind the times Gov. Palin is. If President Obama  can do it, so can Gov. Palin. There would be no criticism of her if only she had used the teleprompter for the whole speech, like our President always does.  Has anyone ever criticized the President for having his entire speech printed out on a machine? As a matter of fact — the President fired his last speech writer for suggesting he have his speech printed out on his hand and shirtsleeves.”

Gov. Palin’s supporters insisted that this showed what an all-American woman Gov. Palin is, holding to old fashioned values, and not succumbing to the the lure of wasteful and expensive technology, when the old programming system works just as well, if not better.

America should be proud of her, not criticize her. It shows her ingenuity to not surrender her core values. One of her advisors was heard to say: “‘Look, if President Obama ever went on a moose hunt with Gov. Palin, he would be absolutely speechless in the wilds, unless a portable teleprompter could be found, and that would have to be packed in on dog sled – and then he would be running the risk that Gov. Palin’s husband would be driving the sled and would reprogram the machine. No – Gov. Palin deserves three loud cheers for her ingenuity.”

A special slightly schizophrenic alert has been issued:

February 2, 2010: In Nashua, New Hampshire President Obama stated “When times are tough….You don’t blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you’re trying to save for college.” (I think most people know that)

February 2, 2010: In a letter to Senator Reid, President Obama stated “…There is no place better to have fun than Vegas, one of our country’s great destinations. I have always enjoyed my visits, look forward to visiting in a few weeks, and hope folks will visit in record numbers this year.” (presumably not with college tuition money)

Well, he also stated that he was trying to make the point that families use vacation dollars, not college tuition money, to have fun. The first quotation didn’t say anything about using vacation dollars or people having fun with vacation dollars (in Vegas). And why will older people, or people with no children, ever consider not using college tuition money, since there is no need to save for college tuition.

Nothing was said about those parents using college tuition money who win gambling in Vegas. (It does happen) Presumably that’s OK with the Pres.

A spokesperson for the Administration announced it is considering a scholarship plan for the children of any parent who used college tuition money and lost it gambling in Vegas.

An anonymous spokesperson for Las Vegas stated that he hoped the President was not going to use college tuition money for his children when he visits us.

The Las Vegas Resort Board is devising a test to show which money their visitors are using. If it is “college tuition” money – that’s a no-no, and the visitors will be asked to leave after five days. If it is “vacation money,” the visitors will be asked to leave after five days, or whenever their money runs out, whichever is last.

(Special to eGrumps) The Department of Homeland Security after an exhaustive review of the “security measures” in place to protect our country is instituting a  novel approach to provide greater security for Americans. Legal Aliens, and Illegal Aliens residing in the United States. Citing the difficulty in not providing security for those here illegally, without violating their rights, the Department concluded that the same protection would be afforded for all. “It’s the American way,” a spokesperson said. “besides, the President has been told that some of the ‘undocumented workers’ even pay taxes (once they are caught and about to be deported). What’s fair is fair.”

The new “see-through” scanners would not have caught the Underwear Bomber, despite their enormous cost. “We are purchasing them anyhow,” the spokesperson said  ”because some of the terrorists might not be smart enough to realize they don’t really work too well and many of them cannot read the spec sheets put out by the manufacturers. It’s  a calculated risk, and it might work, but in any event is well worth the millions of dollars the machines cost. If they don’t prove effective, we can always resell them to the legal brothels in Los Vegas in order to provide them a quick way to screen their customers and determine which male customer should be paired up (almost said “fitted”) with which female employee. We could even make a profit on the resale.”

Having said that, the spokesman then disclosed the new machine that will be purchased. After reading the news stories about the “Fort Hood Bomber,” and the “Underwear Bomber” the investigators all concluded that there was a “failure to connect the dots.” Even President Obama, he of the open and transparent government, stated that there was a “failure to connect the dots.”

“Our new machine,” the spokesperson said is a “Connect The Dots Machine. If it had been in place, the Fort Hood shooter would have been caught in a preemptive strike and the Underwear Bomber wouldn’t even have been allowed to board the airplane. It’s what we have been missing – a ‘Connect the Dots Machine.’ It’s virtually foolproof when correctly programmed.”

When asked about details of the machine and how it worked the spokesperson merely grinned and said release of the details are on a need to know basis, and if the ‘terrorists,” enemy combatants’ and ‘bad’  guys knew of the technology involved, they could take steps to circumvent the high-tech circuitry that these machines employ.”  ”As soon as the Administration feels it is safe to release the details” the spokesperson stated that “The President would go on C-Span so that America would know all about these machines. and how they work. even President Obama has stated ‘Trust me on this, would I ever promise to go on C-Span and not do it, and this time I don’t have my fingers crossed.”

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eGrumps is proud to announce his highly prized “Senator-of-The-Year Award  – NOT” (so far)  to North Dakota Senator Kent Conrad for his comment about those opposed to trying KSM in a civilian court in New York City. It seems he feels that a civilian court is well suited to try KSM, and that if you don’t agree maybe you should leave the U.S.

His exact quote: “So if people don’t believe in our system maybe they ought to go somewhere else.”

An open letter to Sen. Conrad: Military Tribunals are a part of our system and have been upheld by the U. S. Supreme Court as being constitutionally authorized. Please don’t tell me to go somewhere else, notice I said, “please,”  which is more than you said. It is well known what is going to happen – a show trial before the media and the world, access to ALL classified documents concerning his arrest (including how he was caught and who gave the information) and who the CIA agents, their supervisors, and our elected officials were involved, and whether he received his Miranda warning, was there a search warrant issued? etc. etc.

Perhaps your motives in making such a statements were less than pure. Maybe you do want a show trial with not only KSM put on trial, but also the previous administration, and damn the consequences.

I think what you are dong, Senator, is picking which part of our system you want followed. Civilian trials are part of our system, Military Tribunals are part of our system. So your statement doesn’t make much sense, unless you say what you truly mean -”If you don’t believe KSM should be tried in a civilian court, maybe you should leave the U. S.”

So – I have a question for you:  ”Who the hell are you to pick and choose what part of our Constitutional system you want to use, and tell everyone else who doesn’t agree with your choice of what part of the Constitution to use “to go somewhere else.”  Our Constitutional system provides for Military Tribunals. So – buzz off.

Maybe you don’t have to worry about the future, like most of us do, because in all probability no building in North Dakota will ever be bombed by the terrorists. Sleep well, Senator – as far as I am concerned, your comment represents uncalled for arrogance.  Oh, yes, enjoy the trial and its consequences and hope the “terrorists” don’t go after Washington when you and your family are there.

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It’s Thanksgiving – hooray!! By special dispensation from eGrumps, all diets are automatically suspended until Friday, November 27, 2009. I knew you were waiting for that before you pig out today.

Many of you who drop in to this web site are from countries other than America. I hope you’ll join us in celebrating this holiday. Like my wife said about our marriage, no matter how bad things are, they can always get worse. (That’s hard to believe, at least about our marriage. ).

eGrumps wife is a great cook. Using a new recipe his wife put the turkey in aluminum foil. She had to roast it till it was brown. Twenty hours later the aluminum foil was still silver.

An optimist is a person who starts a diet on Thanksgiving day.

Thanksgiving is America’s chow-down feast, the one occasion in the year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.

The first turkeys were not wild. They just went crazy when they found out what we intended to do with them.

Last Thanksgiving eGrumps wife cooked a turkey in the microwave oven. We had to eat at seven-thirty in the morning.

Thanksgiving is a day when the turkey gets stuffed in the morning, and the family gets stuffed in the afternoon.

The Puritans celebrated Thanksgiving day to commemorate being saved from the Indians.  We continue to celebrate it to commemorate being saved from the Puritans.

After Thanksgiving dinner, the man who has trouble making ends meet ought to get himself a longer belt.

Thanksgiving is a day off that is usually followed by an off day.

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President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for trying to bring peace to the world. His staff expressed surprise, but there is little doubt that all 34 Czars appointed by President Obama submitted his nomination to the Committee. An anonymous Czar stated that the rumor that the President was going to share the $1,400,000 prize with the Czars was not true. He promised to share only one-half, and then only on condition he would get the Prize in his first year in office.   An aide said the President was “totally surprised,” and while he knew he would get it in two or three years, he did not expect it this soon.    Especially since he had not brought peace to the world, or actually, any part of it. He said that the award of the Prize, while premature, would only inspire him to continue his efforts.

While the President was on a roll, (actually a Danish pastry) his staff of Czars has put his name in for the Heisman trophy for 2009. His Aide continued to opine that, while the President was not actually on a football team and had no permanent position, he was a true expert at blocking and weaving, and indeed, his prowess in ducking questions he did not wish to answer was legendary. One of the Press Corps was heard to say, “Look if he could win the Nobel, he certainly should win the Heisman. It would be a great tribute for America” he said.

Some even felt he could get an Emmy for his continued televised speeches to the American people. In view of the number of speeches given, a new category had been created, just for President Obama. “Best series starring an incumbent President.” President and Mrs. Obama were speechless when they heard of this singular honor – not only being considered for an Emmy for a speech, but an Emmy for a whole series of speeches, all basically saying the same thing. He appeared to be truly humbled.

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