eGrumps » Armed Services

Memorial Day – President Obama’s absence from the Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington National Cemetery.

eGrumps — Wed, 26 May 2010 04:24:49 +0000

Washington, D.C. — May 25, 2010

President Obama will not attend the ceremonies at the Tomb of the Unknowns on Memorial Day, 2010. He will be in Chicago. V-P Biden will attend. On a few occasions, other Presidents have sent others to participate and to lay a wreath on the tomb.

IMO – That does not justify President Obama’s absence.

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President Obama Accepts eGrumps Comment Regarding Miranda Rights for Captured Combatants

eGrumps — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 18:25:47 +0000

(Washington D. C., June 11, 2009) (exclusive to eGrumps)

On March 14, 2009 eGrumps reported on requiring enemy combatants to be given Miranda rights.

The story (emphasis added) was as follows:

“Enemy and Friendly Combatants

The Obama Administration has abandoned the use of the term “enemy combatant.” Speaking from the White House, President Obama announced that the term “friendly combatant” will now be used. “Until the secret intent of the combatant can be determined, they will presumed to be friendly,” he said. “Mere shooting at American troops will not be deemed to make the shooter an enemy. All combatants will be presumed to be friendly unless proved otherwise. Our troops have been instructed to read all captured combatants their Miranda rights before they are questioned. The Pentagon has been instructed to set up a team of lawyers, similar to the Public Defender system in use in America today, to represent the combatants.”

On June 10, 2009 the White House announced its policy to have all captured combatants read their Miranda rights.The fact these people were not American citizens, were captured in a foreign country and were taken on the field of battle is a total irrelevancy.

A statement issued by the White House read, in part, as follows; “We feel these people should have the same rights as American criminals, like shoplifters, drunk drivers, and petty thieves. We are all citizens of the world and we demean American values by not protecting these combatants. While in the short run, it may expose our troops and country to additional dangers, it will, in the long run show the world how fair and just we are.The short run consequences are a price we are willing to pay. We are very grateful to eGrumps for his story on March 14, 2009. He is a very wise man and we intend to consult him, in the future, for his advice. (emphasis added)”

When asked to comment, eGrumps stated as follows: “With all due respect, Mr. President - my comments were intended as a joke. The concept of reading the Miranda warning to these people will cause serious harm to our troops and our country. I WAS ONLY KIDDING”

America Responds to No. Korean Nuclear Test and Missile Launches.

eGrumps — Wed, 27 May 2009 03:00:54 +0000

On April 12, 2009, after North Korea’s first missile launch, I wrote the following:
“President Obama decided to take affirmative action against North Korea today. Expressing great admiration for the United Nations for planning to adopt a “presidential statement” on Monday condemning North Korea for their missile launch, he has ordered 100,000 paper copies of the U N Statement when it is adopted. He issued the following statement: “I have ordered the United States Air Force to stand by on full alert to make paper airplanes out of the pieces of paper we have ordered from the U N. These paper airplanes will soon be launched against North Korea at a time and place of America’s choosing,” he said. “The North Koreans will be deluged with our paper airplanes which should, if my security council analysis is correct (and when have they ever been wrong), completely paralyze the whole North Korean economy. That will teach them to never again deny the United Nations. We stand ready, willing and able to carry out the mandate of the UN. This shows the value of international cooperation. The U N shall prevail”

Kim Il Sung issued the following statement. “Capitalist Pigs – we stand ready to defend the sovereign integrity of our country. We have ordered 100,000 paper shredders which, as this statement is being issued, are being deployed around the country. We have repeatedly said that America is a paper tiger, and this wholly unprovoked action by America only proves the truth of our statement. If these paper airplanes ever reach our shores, we stand ready to destroy the whole American paper air force. We shall prevail!”

May 26, 2009.
Apparently the NK chief honcho didn’t take it seriously because they successfully defeated our paper airplane attack. Now NK has shot off more missiles and tested a nuclear device. After considering the results of their last reaction to America’s actions, Pres. BHO ordered the Army, Navy, Air Force and Coast Guard, plus the Marines, (and the boy and girl scouts) to come up with a new plan. The Joint Chiefs decided the reason the old plan didn’t work was that their paper shredders overcame our paper airplanes. They concluded we needed more paper airplanes and ordered the production of 250,000 paper airplanes, this time they were to be treated with an ingredient to cause rashes and itching.. As the Chief of Staff put it, if we can’t drop a paper airplane down the air shaft of their nuclear facility, at least we will overwhelm them with shredded paper. If it should rain after our avalanche of paper airplanes, so much the better. NK will be under soggy paper which will have no use whatsoever. Our intelligence experts concluded that one of the reasons the first paper airplane attack didn’t work was because those that weren’t shredded were used for toilet paper – if the new ones are soggy – the results will be self-evident. If we treat the paper, and enough escape their shredders, they will develop rashes, and they will probably scratch themselves to death. American ingenuity will win the day.

President Obama stated “Public opinion be damned, America must, and will, attack — as soon as it rains.”

Memorial Day 2009 – “To Absent Friends.”

eGrumps — Sun, 24 May 2009 20:35:19 +0000

The Army has a toast: “To Absent Friends.”

As I drove past the National Veterans Administration Cemetery yesterday, I saw hundreds of boy and girl scouts, with their leaders, placing a flag on each grave.

While driving past it today, I saw thousands of American flags, one flying over each grave, I thought of that long forgotten toast. While some of the persons who are buried there may not have died while on active duty, they all served our country. I believe most were killed on active duty. Any veteran is entitled to be buried in a National Cemetery.

The cemetery is very old. I think many buried there go back to World War I, and perhaps to even earlier conflicts. Regardless, it is very moving to see so many flags representing so many men and women who died to preserve our freedom.

So, think of their sacrifices, and make a toast today; “To Absent Friends.” It is the very least any of us can do.

CIA May Solve Water Shortage in Los Angeles by Sending Surplus Waterboards

eGrumps — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 02:33:44 +0000

Letter to the Director, CIA
Langley, Virginia

Dear Sir:

You may have read, or your agents may have told you, that there is a very severe water shortage in So. California. Water is being rationed and we will only be allowed to water our lawns two days a week, and then not between 9:00 AM and 5:00 PM.

This will have severe economic consequences for all of the gardners in this area since they cannot possibly get to each house to water during the proper days and times, and hence they will have nothing to do with their time during the other hours. They will lose income, the gardening supply houses and the nurseries will suffer, and no doubt their wives will rebel at having them home so much. This is a very severe social and economic problem.

Why am I writing you asking for your help? Well, I read in the papers that your use of waterboarding is being severely curtailed, if not prohibited outright. So – you can solve our problems and even help give the President a reason to be proud of outlawing waterboarding, no matter how successful it has been.

Please ship us all of your waterboards, new or reconditioned, it doesn’t matter. We can distribute them around. The drought problem of Southern California will be solved. Waterboards can be put to productive use, the use for which they were originally intended – the transporting and supplying of water through solid-state boards. If you can please send instructions as to how to liquefy the waterboards, it would be greatly appreciated.

There is no need to tell the bad guys you are disposing of the waterboards, they know how to beat the system anyhow, but it might pay to keep them guessing that you are still holding some in reserve.

Thank you for your courtesy in considering our request.

Yours very truly

(name withheld for security reasons)

Plan for Released “Enemy Combatants”

eGrumps — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 04:42:54 +0000

Stating that he could not understand why the good citizens of the United States did not want the Detainees from Gitmo (now called Happy Acres Farm – see posting of March 27, 2009.) to be released into our society, President Obama announced today that he was going to set an example and accept at least twenty of the formerly designated Enemy Combatants to work in the White House. They will be employed as gardeners, cooks, house “maids,” even secretaries and other vital and necessary tasks for the smooth running of the White House. Some of them will even be allowed to oversee the shooting range where our Secret Service Agents practice. “This will allow them to become productive members of society, earn an honest living, pay American taxes, and set an example to the rest of the world” President Obama stated. “I don’t care what the Secret Service says,” he went on to say, “they could probably teach those bozos a trick or two. We stand ready to make peace with all our former enemies – these men are no longer terrorists, they are no longer citizens of the Axis of Evil countries, they are citizens of the world. Nationalism is a thing of the past. We stand ready to welcome them with open arms . I only hope that this will set an example for the rest of the United States to take the rest of these poor, abused souls into their hearts and minds. Michelle and I, and the kids, are overjoyed at the prospect of showing the rest of the world our kindness and are looking forward to meeting them in person. This can only be a positive development for our country.” He hoped the rest of the United States would adopt the rest of these poor individuals who have been so mistreated and abused by an arrogant America. He urged America to ignore the Red Cross report about the humane conditions in Gitmo.

Tsar, Czar – a Rose by Any Other Name – Tsar Power

eGrumps — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 23:30:26 +0000

Contrary to what you may read, while America may be rapidly turning away from Capitalism, it is not turning toward Socialism. Indeed, it is turning toward the Russian Imperial Monarchy model. (Don’t believe me, read on) We now have a King of Czars. We have Tsar Power (or Czar Power if you prefer).

We (America, that is) now have tsars almost without number – energy tsar, infotech tsar, health-reform tsar, terrorism tsar (I suppose he should be called an anti-terrorism tsar), drug tsar, car tsar (maybe) etc. etc. The Tsars’ duties and responsibilities, not to mention limitations on their power, are vague, at best. Except for the Teleprompter Tsar, who can keep track of all of them.

The President is now the King of the Czars, or King of the Tsars, as you prefer. As to the name of “King of Czars,” if you don’t like the name - well, my old friend William Shakespeare said it best:
“What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet…”

There is no truth to the rumor that the new dog in the White House is not a Portugese Water Dog, but a Russian Wolfhound in disguise.

You heard it here first – “TSAR” POWER. (“Tsar” is “star” spelled inside out.)

eGrumps, the Veteran, Objects to Homeland Security Report

eGrumps — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 14:43:01 +0000

Dear Ms. Napolitano:

I am a Veteran and object most strongly to your Department’s report, that you must have approved, that military veterans could be susceptible to right wing recruiters or commit lone acts of violence because of our military training. Your report seems to say that this can create a potential devastating threat to the peace and freedom of America.

Well, Ms. N. I believe this may be true with one small qualification – we veterans can also be susceptible to left wing, not to mention center wing, recruiters. We may also not be susceptible to right, left or center wing recruiters. I am sure some veterans are and some are not – so your statement is pure nonsense and does nothing to help Homeland Security, your stated mission. I most respectfully suggest you return your salary for the time you spent on this stupid report.

I want to confess, however. When I was mustered out, as a combat veteran, I was proficient in the bow and arrow. There was not one bad-guy Indian who was not terrified of me. I could hit a moving target at 250+ yards and was the scourge of the entire North American continent. Squaws used to sit around the campfires warning their little papooses to be fearful of me – I was known by the nickname “Dead Eye eGrumps.”

Now, however, I can not even see 250 yards. I can still hit a target with the old bow and arrow, provided it is not moving and is 10 feet or less in front of me. My peripheral vision isn’t too good either.

So, Ms. N. – please amend your report to exclude old Veterans from presenting any danger to the peace and freedom of the Republic. The report is simply not fair, and I object. I’m sure my old friends would feel the same way, but they are either dead or in nursing homes and can’t remember doodly. Don’t forget to give back your salary!

Most respectfully

eGrumps.

Chris Matthews’ Lucky Seals

eGrumps — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 02:31:28 +0000

Chris Matthews, the TV Commentator who once said that one of Pres. Obama’s speeches sent tingles up his leg, called the three shots from the three Seals that killed the Pirates “lucky.” We should all be that lucky in our chosen careers.. With that kind of luck the three Seals should leave for Las Vegas immedately. Drinks are on Chris who will probably want to drink to their luck.

Pirates, Navy Seals, American Ships

eGrumps — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 05:37:40 +0000

Since President Obama, and his fellow G-20 Delegates have criticised American power and arrogance, I have a small suggestion. In the future, lets arm and protect American flagged vessels only. The other countries can protect their own vessels, and should they want us to attack the Somali pirates home bases, by air or by land, let’s let them do it themselves. They can blockade the Somali coast if they want it blockaded. They don’t like American military power – so be it. We’ll use our power to protect Americans and American property. They can protect their own.

Congratulations to the American Seals. Good job, guys!