Banker’s Salaries: The Administration has come up with a novel, and fair plan concerning banker’s salaries. No bank employee shall receive a salary that is greater than the amount paid to the highest paid professional athlete. If a professional athlete gets paid $35,000,000 a year for throwing a little round ball in a hoop, that’s the most that can be paid to any banker, who doesn’t even have to work up a sweat to receive the maximum amount. It’s objective, it’s fair and a great deal for America. Unlike professional athletic teams where there is a cap on the total amount that can be paid to a team’s athletes, because of the difference in the number of employees working for the various banks, there will be no salary caps per institution, unless, of course, the bankers get greedy.

Tax Increases: Despite the fact that many, many banks have repaid the TARP loans, all of them would be subject to a small tax, to expire in 2065, to make up for those banks who had not repaid their loans. When questioned about such a plan the Spokesperson said “The banks can live with it. It is perfectly fair and in the fine tradition of the American economic system – “All for one and one for all.” a phrase the Administration said, could clearly be traced back to Alexander Dumas and was the inspiration for Karl Marx, a great advocate of fairness in the economic systems of the world. It seemed appropriate under the present circumstances. Repayment of loans by some banks cannot be considered in this context. It is a total irrelevancy”

Additional Scapegoats: “The Administration” he went on to say “is considering additional Scapegoats, who also were 100% responsible for America’s economic woes. Among those being considered are the automobile industry, the insurance industry, the mortgage industry, the American Medical Association, the American Bar Association (excluding trial lawyers) the Flight Attendants Union, FOX News and the Republican Party. Congress will be excluded in considering scapegoats since the Administration feels they had nothing to do with America’s economic problems and merely reflected the will of the people.”

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A Washington Insider, who asked to remain anonymous, confirmed the fact that the Treasury Department, The Federal Reserve Board, President Obama and the Tsars and the rest of the White House staff had  received  requests for TARP funds from a “red light” establishment.

Madam XXXX (who also asked her name to be withheld) requested a substantial sum of money from TARP. She reportedly said that funds from the Troubled Ass Recovery Plan money should be “given” to her establishment. When told the  ”A” stood for “Asset,” She stated “Ass, asset, what’s the difference, one person’s ass is another persons asset. Her girls really qualified and they needed help, Basically their ass was their only asset. ”     Because of the rescission, business has fallen off, and as a result, her girls really were facing a “troubled ass” problem.

She stated that if there was any question as to her company’s qualification, she would be glad to give the federal politicans the same freebies that she had been giving local politicans for years, and they could judge for themselves the problems that were being faced by the girls.

If there was a question of repayment of the funds, she stated “I’ll be glad to let Washington take it out in trade. We can work out the rate of exchange. She was sure those f..ing politicans in Washington would have no trouble deciding what was fair and reasonable under the circumstances.”

“We simply are too big to fail. Our economy is dependent upon the money that is spent with us and that we spend in the local economy. What with the local laundry, coffee shop, pharmacy, drug store, Stabrbucks all dependent upon business from our employees and customers – Washington cannot allow us to go down, so to speak. “

Madam XXXX stated she was putting together a supporting petition for Washington. She hoped Washington would not verify the names too closely since her customers usually did not use their real names, but Washington could certainly trust her that each name was indeed a real person known to her.

Her request concluded with “What better use of TARP funds than to save our ass from its temporary troubles.” President Obama has, so far, refused to comment, but a number of his staff volunteered to make independent investigations and make their recommentdation. One staff member was reputed to say “Ask now what your country will do for you, but rather what you could do for your country.” Another said “It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.”

In case you missed it, FOX News has been defrocked by the White House, claiming it is an arm of the Republican Party. No such allegation has been leveled against the eGrumps News Network – at least so far. Of course there is no network – so far.

In order to level the playing fields, so to speak, and to help the competitive spirit of our main stream media – MSNBC, CBS, ABC, CNN are generally perceived not to be arms of the Republican party.  But – that’s 4 to 1 against FOX, 

and under our American system of fair play, that is not fair play – it doesn’t pass the smell test, so to speak. It stinks, quite frankly.

So – the eGrumps News Network (currently in formation, a work in progress) – hereby volunteers to become another counter spokesman for the right. “FOX” needs company, and we are here to join this nobel endeavor to level the playing field. (Please note that has nothing to do with the Nobel Prize, although I can see one for us for sometime in the future).

“We are ready to join the fray.” eGrumps said. “All we need are TV Stations, News Executives, Writers, TV Personalities, Advertsising Directors, Cameramen (and Camerawomen) and a few other positions filed that are currently vacant.” Since we have no money” eGrumps said, “we are looking to hire far sighted executives who will overlook the short-term problem of not receving a salary in exchange for accepting substantal bonuses in the future. Since it is unlikely we will ever receive government money, there should be no limit on the amount we can award, when, as and if we ever receive any money from anyone for anything.  I am confident sponsors will flock to our station. Plans are underway for a multi-media empire.”

The following major legislative pushes are now being undertaken in Washington by the Obama administration:

(1). Major Health Care Reform plan.

(2) Cap and Trade plan.

(3) Global Climate Change plan (formerlly know as Global Warming plan)

(4) Stimulus 2 Plan.

(5) Finance Plan to figure out how to pay for Items 1, 2, 3, and 4 above (not to mention how to pay for the Tarp plan and Stimulus 1 plan) without either (i)breaking President Obama’s campaign pledge that no one having an income of less than $250,000 will see his or her taxes increased or (ii) explain that he misspoke (or the teleprompter was wrong) on the 30 or 40 times he said that, and that he meant to say  $25,000, or maybe $2500 dollars,  or perhaps even $250 dollars – or more likely $2.50.

“If he really meant to say no one earning less than $2.50 would have his taxes raised, that could have been a
promise he could have kept, I think” (eGrumps)

The Administration proudly announced today that 34 states have less than a 10% unemployment rate. A spokesman said “Considering today’s economic climate, and the mess the prior administration left us with, we consider this a remarkable achievement.”

When questioned by eGrumps as to the unemployment rate when Pres. Obama took over, he stated “We are extremelly proud of our record. We think the rate of unemployment is actually decreasing because the rate of  increase in unemployment is decreasing.” eGrumps said: “Huh!”

It was pointed out 16 states had an unemployment rate of over 10%, The spokesmman proudly announced, “We are quite pleased, it could have been 50 states with over a 10% unemployment rate, and we are a long way from that. Time is on our side.” he said. eGrumps, in his usual brilliant rhetorical style said: “Huh.”

eGrumps responses were memorable. Other attendees at the press conference said they had never, ever heard such clear, concise and inciteful commentary from anyone in the Washington Press Corps. They were considering nominating him for a Pulitzer prize. When told of this, eGrumps said “Whee! – will I now make as much as Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers?” (Another inciteful comment from him.)

In a desperate attempt to avoid bankruptcy, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, announced that the golden state of California was looking for a merger partner. He stated “Although we may be slightly tarnished because of a few small financial problems, California would make a great acquisition for another state,  a sovereign country or even a private organization. We have hired a mergers & acquisition specialist to assist us in this search. Lehman Brothers was the logical choice, but to show our financial acumen, after hiring them for Twenty Million Dollars, they went bankrupt. California tried, and they can’t be faulted for that. “

“We have considerd asking the government to intervene, but then, we are the government. “

“My Chief of Staff has called  President Obama’s office to inquire further, and they did seem somewhat interested. They suggested we call the UAW to see if they will take over management of California if the federal government would provide the needed cash inflow to California.  Needless to say, we are actively pursuing this. They seemed to think it could function like the Chrysler bailout and all the US had to do was cancel the franchises of statehood previous awarded to other states.

There seems to be no reason the United Auto Workers could not run California, at least as well as the legislature and the Governor has. I think the Feds have enough money to bail California out, and I am sure the People of California will not mind whatever conditions they impose.  Indeed, if the UAW takes over the schools and universities, its young people will probably get a better education. If the UAW takes over governmental services, our citizens would probably get a more efficient government. It seems to be a win-win situation.

Gov. Schwarzenegger said he was sure the People would be happy, as long as they didn’t raise taxes.

The current stimulus plan is not working. Unemployment figures are rising. The problem – the consummer does not have enough disposable income to buy goods and stimulate the economy.

But – a precedent has been set, and I guarantee the “eGrumps Stimulus Plan” will work. The current Secretary of the Treasury did not pay the proper amount of taxes and the IRS allowed him to pay late, charging interest, but not penalties.

So  – The eGrumps Stimulus Plan – allow all taxpayers the right to defer payment of income taxes on the same amount of income that Secretary of the Treasury deferred for the same amount of time. It must be repaid at the end of the Geitner deferral period, without penalty, but with interest, the same courtesy as was granted to Secretary Geitner.

For example, assuming the Secretary of the Treasury was allowed to defer payment of $35,000 of taxes, for an average of three years, then paying the taxes and paying interest (but no penalties) the same should be granted to all taxpaying citizens, if they so elect.

Would that not be a great stimulus to the economy, and the precedent has been set to accomodate the Secretary of the Treasury, who oversees the IRS.  If it was good enough for him, why isn’t it good enough for the rest of us poor folk.  It’s not mandatory, but if any of you want to defer paying income taxes, should you not have the same benefit that Secretary Geitner was given, and if not – why not?

Consider the basic fairness of the eGrumps Stimulus Plan, and think of the money that would flow into the economy. Prosperity – here we come!!!

The Official Stimulus Csar, who has joined the prestigious Committee of Csars, has decreed that California will get its $7,000,000,000 (+/-) stimulus package only if it rescinded a reduction in the minimum wages that the state paid to unionized home health care workers, even though the rate was still well above the general California minimum wage scale.

Also under consideration was a “request” to California that it rescind the pay decreases impossed upon California unionized workers (but not the non-unionized workers) over the last 50 years, rescind all income tax increases in California for the last 25 years imposed upon unionized workers (but not the non-unionized workers), and rehire all government employees laid off during the past 25 years.  It was pointed out, however, that no government employees had been laid off over the past 25 years. 

When asked about it, not one member of the California legislature thought this would result  in more favorable v0tes in 2010 from the unionized workers who were to receive the pay increase The measure seemed certain to pass the legislature. “Seems fair to me” stated one state senator while contemplating the number of union votes in his district.

It was rumored that one California committee member, who is now an ex-committee member, stated that this seemed like extortion (by Washington) to him. He is now looking for a new job and is applying for a job as a home health care worker.

“I know there is a criticism out there that my administration has somehow been spending with reckless abandon, pushing a liberal social agenda while mortgaging our children’s future.”

Mr. President, you’re kidding, right? Criticism? Nah – it isn’t happening – much!