The Office of the President is pleased to announce that the unemployment rate in America has been reduced to 0%.

Deciding that anyone who is out of work, regardless of the length of time, will no longer be deemed a part of the work force. As a result, the work force now consists of only those people who are at work – everyone else will be disregarded. Therefore the Administration, the Spokesman (oops – make that Spokesperson), announced that it has achieved the unattainable:

100% employment, 0% unemployment.

The 7.5% (+/-) unemployment rate when the prior President left office is a thing of the past. By using the money from the stimulus bill, the cash for clunkers program, etc. (not to mention a little creative accounting) the problem of unemployment has been solved, forever. The President’s office announced that it was extremely gratified that the American people have realized that the President’s policies had finally been recognized as working. “This should certainly help with the reelection campaign, and anyone who doesn’t recognize the brilliancy of the present administration is unpatriotic.” the President’s Spokeswoman (oops– make that Spokesperson) announced.

Someone said there is a solution to every problem. The problem lies in finding it, — well, the President found it. Never in American history has this level of unemployment been reached.

___________________________________________________________________________

Advice to the government – In 2020, assuming the planet is still here, why not remind your citizens to put the census form where you will not lose it. That would be better advice then telling us to guess at the future. Then – on April 1, 2020 – send everyone, through iPhones, Blackberrys, Computers, iPads, TVs and whatever other Internet connecting machines that then exists a polite reminder to send in the friggin’ form. Can’t be done? – sure it can – twice a year, through some means I don’t understand, all computers adjust for Daylight Savings Time – coming and going.

So why can’t “it” send everyone a non-blockable pop-up on April 1, every hour on the hour, to send in the Census form. I know it would be annoying, but it is a small price to pay for having an accurate census. Which, in the grand scheme of things is most important, not annoying all of America’s citizens or having a complete census.

For all I know, such a plan could be in the Health Care Bill (Obamacare), everything else seems to be. I think there is already a provision in the law that provides that every person who doesn’t send in the Census Form will be fined – big time – it’s a felony. The IRS is mandated to enforce the return of the census forms, and, if you don’t send them in, your income tax return will be audited. The Law contains about 2050+/- pages, so I haven’t been able to find that provision – yet – but trust me, it’s there. Would eGrumps lie to you?

I think the full story will be on 60 minutes in a few weeks. It would be on next week, but no one, except for one junior mail clerk, has mailed in his census form. I think they all forgot where they put them.

Washington – are you listening?

The organizers of the “Who I Would Least Like to be Stranded With on a Tropical Island” contest announced that they have discontinued the contest. Votes will no longer be accepted.

It was stated that the tally was so one-sided, that the issue was no longer in doubt and they decided to announce the winner without waiting for further votes.

The spokesperson issued the following news release: “It is with a great deal of pride that we announce that Americans have finally found a common ground  - Conservatives and Liberals,  Straights and Gay, men and women, have finally come together and agreed upon something, the winner: Nancy Pelosi – the person with whom they would least like to be stranded with on a tropical island. Congratulations Madam Speaker. However, it should be pointed out that Tiger Wood has said he did not agree and would personally visit the island with her – if they had a golf course.”

Neither Ms. Pelosi nor any spokesperson from her office would issue a comment. One anonymous voter suggested that she should accept her award on the tropical island, but since she had not been heard from concerning this singular honor, it was felt not proper to suggest she attend the award ceremony.

_______________________________________________________________________

Anonymous Congressional staffers have presented a solution to America’s concern about a government run health-care system. Meeting in private, in the “Conspiracy Room” in the White House basement, they considered various ways to alleviate the very obvious concern of Americans toward a plan that would nationalize 1/6th of the American economy. No minutes were kept and the participants insisted upon anonymity.

eGrumps, was sworn to secrecy, as to the identities of the participants, but he was assured that they represented very, very high people in government. Knowing the reputation of those with whom he met, he had complete confidence in the reliability of what he was told.

Basically, in order to quell dissent and to insure Congressional passage,    the Administration was committed to staffing senior management of Obamacare with people experienced in knowing the ins and outs of Washington and were experienced in dealing with the public. The final consensus solution was acknowledged by all to be “pure genius.”

The Governing Board and all Senior Management of ObamaCare would be recruited from the management of the Post Office and Amtrak. “What better way to instill confidence than to have those who already manage government programs to manage ObamaCare.” The spokesperson said.

“These men and women have the experience. They know the ins and outs of Washington. They know how to deal with the public. What better source of senior management than employees of the the Post Office and Amtrack.  There is no better pool of experienced, management-qualified individuals than these fine people who have run other government programs so successfully (well usually successfully). They have been there, done that.  It is indeed a win-win situation for America. That is a choice that will resonate with the American people and should insure the passage of ObamaCare.”

When asked whether the President had signed off on this, the spokesman replied, ” Not yet. We intend to talk to him as soon as he gets off the basketball court.”

The new Obamacare – Pelosicare – Reidcare (take your pick) is creating a massive dilemma for most Americans, including yours truly.

No, I am not talking about the fact that the length of the bill exceeds the guidelines posted by President Obama (see my comment of 10/30/09) in that it now has passed the 2,000 page mark. Frankly, it is just as hard to read a 2,200 page bill as a 1,900 page bill. The 2,000 page limit was a guideline, that’s all, and no one ever expected that arbitrary guideline to hold. It’s sort of like New Orleans and Katrina, once the levees broke, there was no holding back the water.

The real dilemma, of monumental proportions, is this. Most of America has a headache just contemplating the size, complexity and ultimate      effect of the new bill. It is, frankly, indecipherable, and just thinking about  it gives everyone a headache – some a severe one and some a mild one – but truly a mental headache of monumental proportions for America considering the number of headache sufferers (the “headachees”(?))

Because of the prevalence of headaches, everyone needs to see a doctor, immediately, because the doctor can either treat the headache or prevent its spread through cross pollinization between citizens (and non-citizens) sufferers.  But, without the bill becoming law, they cannot afford to see a doctor. So – if you get a headache thinking about the bill (because you do not like it), and if the bill passes you can afford to see a doctor and get the headache treated – but the thought of the passage of the bill gave you a headache in the first place – you’re caught on the horns of a very serious dilemma. Should America suffer the gross headaches opposing the bill, or not oppose the bill so that you can get your headaches treated, which you may not have had in the first place because you did not oppose the bill.

eGrumps was going to call for a governmental investigation, but Congress would be in the uncomfortable position of investigating something which is not applicable to them since they have a different health care system of coverage. and would not understand the problem in the first place. There would be no empathy, so to speak, for Americans by Congress. This result might be unheard of in American politics – no empathy from Congress.

Meeting at a secret time and at an undisclosed location by the Anonymous Selection Selectors committee (affectionately known as the ASS committee) selected their recipient of  THE LEBON award. This was the first meeting of the ASS committee in recorded history, although some Members felt there must have been unrecorded history somewhere setting forth the historical origins of the ASS committee.

THE LEBON award is given each year to that individual who has done less for humanity during the preceding year.    Doing nothing in the field of Mathematics, Economics, Medicine and Physics qualified any person for the award. The real determining criteria was, as published in the unwritten charter of the ASS organization, was that the nominated person must have brought no hope to civilization, including Western Civilization, Eastern Civilization, Northern Civilization and Southern Civilization, and civilizations in between.

Standing tall above all other candidates to receive THE LEBON was an individual who is a paragon of imperfection – someone who had done absolutely nothing for not only all sciences, but for all civilizations, while personifying an individual bring no hope for change (only despair), was eGrumps – the owner and creator of www.eGrumps.com and www.pithycomment.com. His selection was unanimous by the  anonymous members  (names and number of members withheld for security purposes) of the ASS Committee.

“I am proud and humbled by the award of THE LEBON. It is a singular honor which I accept on behalf of all of my fellow useless human beings. Hope for a change is a fruitless pursuit of limited brain power. The world already knows enough about the sciences, so why try to create something new, and further deplete the limited number of brain cells that I have. ” eGrumps said. “I will try to carry on this endeavor in future years and hope I will be considered next year for this honor. I promise to create absolutely nothing in the future and further the cause of despair, without hope for a change, among all of humanity. I want to thank my Mother and Father (both of whom refuse to admit their parentage) my beautiful wife (who refuses to admit she is married to me) and my wonderful children and grandchildren (all of whom changed their names before going to school).”"I accept THE LEBON with my customary humility and modesty.” eGrumps said.

In a remarkable example of how not to represent a client, the Department of Justice (“DOJ”) has filed a brief in the case of a gay couple suing the federal government to invalidate the Defense of Marriage Act which was enacted by Congress in 1996. 

The DOJ position will satisfy neither those in favor of gay marriages nor those opposed to them.

The DOJ has said in their brief that they are required by law to defend federal statutes as long as reasonable arguments can be made for their constitutionality (Score One Point for those opposed to Gay Marriage). They also said  that, although it is required by law to support the law, “even if it disagrees with a particular statute as a policy matter, as it does here” (Score One Point for those in favor of Gay Marriage).    

It’s a tie game – now we go into overtime – where we citizens get to ask a question. “What gives the DOJ the right to disagree with a law as a matter of policy?”  The DOJ is the attorney for the United States of America. While individual attorneys employed by the DOJ may have a right to disagree with any law they choose, the Department itelf should have no right to agree, or disagree, with a law. That is not its function. It is the attorney for the government. The opinion of the DOJ, as a matter of policy, should be totally irrelevant and, eGrumps submits,  should not ever appear in a legal brief it is filing with the Court.

If it feels it cannot represent the United States in supporting a law duly enacted by Congress because it doesn’t agree with it, it should recuse itself and hire independent Counsel.

As the President said – he believes the act should be repealed by Congress. That’s fair enough – with an overwhelming majority in both houses of Congress, go to Congress to have it repealed. Mr. President, don’t have your DOJ say we don’t agree with the law, but we are required to enforce it (that’s our duty under the Constution), and oh, by the way, learned Judges, you shouldn’t rule in our client’s favor just because Congress wrote the law we are sworn to defend. Frankly, we don’t believe in the law, no matter what we say in our “objective” briefs filed with the Court. (“Justices, thanks for your understanding”)

It is a slippery slope where the DOJ, or any Governmental Agency, can enforce, or decline to enforce,  a law with its fingers crossed behind its back.

The House of Representatives has decided to spend $550,000,000 to buy about 8 Gulfstream Jets (The exact number proposed is not quite clear). The Air Force had requested only 1 Gulfstream Jet. Several months ago, Congress axed the F-22 program to buy additional fighter planes. The cost of the F-22 depending on who is calculating and the methodology used, is about  $550 million (+/- a little) for 3 F-22s. . For the cost of the Gulfstreams the Air Force could get 3 F-22s.  

In order to compensate for this loss of capability in the Air Force, Congress has decided to arm the Gulfstreams that they are receiving. They can, conservatively, accommodate 8 machine guns, 2 canons and 14 missiles, all without substantially increasing the price, except for the cost of ammunition, a disposable item. That cost may cut into other disposables that would be used on the Congressional jets, like toilet paper, but Air Force experts considered this a good trade off. “Let them bring their own TP” was the official position.

Speaker Pelosi has stated that seemed fine to her, so long as the Congressional jets were not in use by Congress when the Air Force needed them. She saw no problem so long as the Air Force gave at least 14 days notice when they wanted them, and the Congresspeople would do their utmost to release the planes for combat duty within that 14 day window, so long as they were not unduly inconvenienced. She was sure the Air Force would understand the needs of Congress and their families.

It seemed to be, she said, a win/win situation for the Country.  President Obama has signed off on the deal. His spokesperson said that so long as this doesn’t interfere with the appropriations for ACORN, the President was all in favor of it. “It’s a wonderful solution to make the Country safe, yet accommodate the needs of Congress. Is America not a wonderful Country where its government could come up with such a practical solution? Our colleges and universities continue to turn out the finest thinkers in the World. What other country, but America, could have solved this problem in such an ingenious way” the spokesperson said. “The President is so proud of the responsible way in which Congress and the Air Force cooperated to satisfy everyone’s needs.” He went on to say. The Air Force refrained from commenting.

The administration proudly announced that their proposed health care plan was financially very feasible. “This plan will work” said one spokesperson (who asked for anonynimity). Those who object to the plan have not considered the plan to reduce costs by limiting, or else reducing certain procedures. While the scope of the limited procedures has not been finalized, the elimination of  the procedures will be based on the age of the recipient. The older the person is, the less that will be authorized with a cut-off date of all treatments beginning at age 103. That will be progressively reduced, so that by 2010, the cut-off date will be age ninety. By 2011, the cut off date will be eighty, and so. There is no truth to the rumor that by 2018, the cut-off  age will be thirty-five. That probably will not come, they said until 2020. The administration was considering a lower cut-off date for those illegal aliens who will be entitled to full benefits.

Everyone, regardless of age, will get free aspirin to help with pain management.

This who do not endorse the plan are very poor sports, and, indeed, not patriotic.

There is no truth to rumor that “obese” people will not qualify. “Look,” the spokesman said, “If they don’t want to take care of themselves, the government must.”

In order to make this fair to everyone, no one can opt-out of coverage. It simply would not be fair, they said, to allow the rich to pay for their own health care and save their lives, unless, of course, the patient is a big political contributor to the political party in power. This will be called the “political exemption” and the scope of the exemption will be determined by the President. There will be no right of appeal.

Free burial service will be offered in government-run cemeteries.

The plan has been unanimously endorsed by everyone under the age of 25.

The plan is based upon the plan in the movie “Soylent Green,” and the science fiction novel “Make Room! Make Room!” by Hary Harrison. Both excellent examples of how such a plan will work.

Representative Charles Rangel (D – NY) expressed strong objection to the Geitner Tax Deferral Plan suggested by eGrumps on May 18, 2009.  Rep. Rangel, among other things, failed to report taxable income of about $75,000 earned from rentals in the Dominican Republic. He stated that it simply was not fair to have a “Geitner Deferral” without offering taxpayers the right to have a “Rangel Deferral.”

In a confidential email leaked to the press, he stated that felt it was only fair that taxpayers have the right to defer payment of taxes for the same period of time that he deferred the payment of taxes he owed, plus interest, but no penalties. Taxpayers should be given the choice of using either (i) no deferral, (ii) the Geitner Deferral (see eGrumps of 5/18/09) or (iii) the Rangel Deferral.

What’s fair is fair, he said and why should Mr. Geitner get all the name identification publicity when he had done the same thing – not pay taxes that were due. Congressman Rangel stated he would have the House Ways and Means Committee, which is responsible for introducing tax legislation, draft the appropriate amendment to the Tax Code. Congressman Rangel, being the Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, felt the legislation had a “reasonable chance” of passage.

Neither Rep. Rangel nor Sec. Geitner could be reached for comment. eGrumps, as always, could be reached for comment. He thought Rep. Rangel was not out of line with his complaint. As long as he was going to cheat on his taxes, he should be given the same opportunity to benefit as every other government employee who cheats on his taxes, if, of course, there are any such other governmental employees.