Archive for the ‘Famous Comments’ Category
Monday, February 22nd, 2010
In considering Obamacare for the masses (that’s most of you (but not me)) attention has been given to funeral parlors, funeral plots and funeral plans for the 21st century. While not formally a part of Obamacare, an intelligent (?) discussion in the White House, between various czar planners for Obamacare considered the following in order to reduce the population to manageable proportions to cut the total cost of Obamacare:
1. The best way to get somebody to live longer is to lean over and whisper the cost of a funeral in his ear (This will not be included in the law).
2. In California today, some cemeteries offer the deceased perpetual care and an answering service (This is a great idea and will be offered as a fringe benefit to those who want to be patriotic and die young. The government will subsidize the cemeteries offering this extra).
3. You can save money today on a funeral if the mortician has a used box (Great, we can have a subsidy – we’ll call it cash for coffins).
Miscellaneous sayings from “others” which will be included in a special provision in Obamacare to encourage an early demise.
a. In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes – die young and save taxes.
b. Death is just a low chemical trick played upon everybody, why be different, die now before they run out of chemicals.
c. If you could die now, you’d be the happiest man alive (Modified from a comment by Samuel Goldwyn.)
d. ”To die will be an awfully big adventure.” (James Barrie)
e. “When good men die, their goodness doesn’t perish.” (Euripides)
f. “Of all escape mechanisms, death is the most efficient.” (H. L. Mencken)
Tuesday, December 1st, 2009
Washington, D.C. (December 1, 2009) (Satirical Comment by eGrumps)
Seeking to follow the lead of that great leader of the English people during World War II, President Obama borrowed from the words of Winston Churchill to rally the American people behind his policy in Afghanistan.
“We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Afghanistan,
We shall fight on the seas and oceans.
We shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength.
We shall fight on the beaches.
We shall fight on the landing grounds.
We shall fight in the fields and in the streets.
We shall fight in the hills.
We shall never surrender.
For not less than eighteen months until we withdraw from Afghanistan.
I hope that doesn’t screw up my Nobel Peace Prize.”
All right, President Obama didn’t use those exact words . The White House knows there are no seas or oceans anywhere close to Afghanistan. Their research staff found out that there can be no beaches without seas or oceans, so that also was not included.
Thursday, October 22nd, 2009
Even eGrumps’ Mother (age 92) is getting caught up in the digital age. She told him: “You don’t write. You don’t call. You don’t FAX. You don’t email. You don’t text. If it weren’t for www.egrumps.com and www.pithycomment.com I’d never hear from you”
Tuesday, October 6th, 2009
Important Announcement: In conformity with the proposed FTC guidlines regarding disclosure, eGrumps (for all of his suprime websites) has agreed to disclose any freebies or other promotional consideration he receives in connection with products mentioned on his web sites. It’s a matter which is long overdue and eGrumps personally endorses it. He has urged his fellow bloggers to come clean and report not only future payoffs, but past ones as well. The fact that no one has even offered him any consideration or freebies of any type, and probably never will, has nothing to do with his position. It is a matter of principle with him. Way to go, FTC!!!!
Of course, if someone makes an offer, he may reconsider his position and perhaps even change his archaic principles and endorse the First Amendment to the U. S. Constituion. There is no sense in being dogmatic about these things. Ford, Chrysler, GM, Mercedes, Lexus, Toyota, all auto manufacturers - do you hear? Are you listening? I’ll change – make eGrumps an offer, any offer, and we will talk. Truth be known, eGrumps can be had – at the right price. Actually, at any price.
Saturday, September 26th, 2009
A few of Murphy’s Laws:
eGrumps Law: Compared to eGrumps, Murphy is a genius”.
Murphy’s Comment: “For once I agree with that idiot, eGrumps. He’s smarter than I thought.”
Murphy’s Law of Thermodynamics: Everything gets worse under pressure.
Murphy’s Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
Some of Murphy’s Technology Laws:
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
Logic is a systematic way of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
If it is not in the computer, it doesn’t exist.
Any given program when running is obsolete.
Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
A failure will not appear until the product has passed final inspection.
Murphy’s Law of Construction: Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
Murphy’s Law of Divine Intervention: The success of any venture will be helped by payer, even in the wrong denomination.
Monday, September 21st, 2009
This was “borrowed” from www.pithycomment.com. It’s worth repeating:
When you think of the debt the next generation must pay off, it is no wonder a baby yells when it is born.
Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
eGrumps favorite (often ignored by eGrumps): When all else fails, read the instructions.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Every solution breeds new problems.
After all is said and done, a hell-of-a lot more is said than done.
If mathematically you end up with a wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
If it is not in the computer, it doesn’t exist.
“MURPHY WAS AN IDIOT” — (Mrs. Murphy)
Thursday, August 27th, 2009
The trouble with becoming an IRS Agent, 95% of them give the rest a bad name.
The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion – the jail walls.
Letter to the IRS:
After hearing a sermon on Sunday, a man wrote the following to the IRS:
“I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understand my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $150.00.
If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send in the rest.”
For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.
Q: “How many tax advisors does it take to change a lighbulb?”
A: “In the summer there is a tax deductable convention in Hawaii, dealing with this issue.”
Saturday, June 27th, 2009
The definition of politics as currently being practiced in Washington.
Politics: The art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then applying the wrong remedies.
Monday, May 11th, 2009
This year, please send clothes to all those
poor ladies on Daddy’s Computer.
I promise to be good next year!
Monday, May 4th, 2009
Murphy’s Laws of Technology:
1. Logic is a systematic way of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
2. The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
3. The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
Saturday, May 2nd, 2009
After considerable debate among his 3 friends, and a very close vote, 3 to 1 with eGrumps being in the minority, he proudly announced that his suggestion for an official slogan, despite not being approved by the three friends, would be adopted. His 3 friends resigned, all leaving the conference room, saying, in effect, eGrumps, we are no longer your friend. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. eGrumps replied, “That’s okay, just email me.”
The official slogan:
Candy is dandy
But sex doesn’t rot the teeth.
Wednesday, April 29th, 2009
(Washington, D.C., April 29, 2009) (Exclusive to eGrumps)
After proudly proclaiming his accomplishments during the first 100 days, President Obama quoted that late great comedian, Al Jolsen “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”
Later. at his weekly grand meeting of csars, one of the csars, thinking his microphone was shut off, was overheard to say, “If the American people are happy with the first 100 days, wait until we reach the full period of gestation, 9 months. Then they might realize how badly they have been screwed.”
There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that he is now an out-of-work csar. Not yet anyhow. It would be bad for the Administration’s image.
Sunday, April 26th, 2009
I went out with a pair of twins last night.
Really, did you have a good time?
Yes and no.
Sunday, April 19th, 2009
1. An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
2. Education has produced a vast population able to read, but unable
to distinguish what is worth reading. (G.M.Trevelyan).
3. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. (S. Landesberg)
4. Artifical intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. Always remember – you are unique, just like everyone else.
6. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.
7. eGrumps is mentally unbalanced (eGrumps)
Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
Congressional Hearing, 2003
“Rep. Frank: I do think I do not want the same kind of focus on safety and soundness that we have in OCC [Office of the Comptroller of the Currency] and OTS [Office of Thrift Supervision]. I want to roll the dice a little bit more in this situation towards subsidized housing.
Rep. Frank: I believe there has been more alarm raised about potential unsafety and unsoundness than, in fact, exists.
That is the same Barney Frank who is now trying to “fix” the banking system. Last time he rolled the dice, he crapped out.
Saturday, April 11th, 2009
Microsoft, Yahoo and eGrumps have jointly announced that they are in talks to develop a strategic partnership. Details have not been released, but it is believed that the eGrumps website is the key to the arrangement, and Microsoft and Yahoo have been unable to work out satisfactory terms with eGrumps. Actually, the release said they have had difficulty contacting him to find out exactly what he wants, but they are willing to offer any reasonable piece of the deal to him, if they could only find him. Meanwhile, Mr. eGrumps has been strangely silent. “Everything eGrumps does is a little strange” a spokesman stated, “but they are sure they can overcome this mental handicap of his. We are actively interviewing every psychiatrist in Los Angeles, but so far, citing patient confidentiality rules, they have refused to respond. We remain optimistic. If he reads this, we hope he will contact us since the world is awaiting the terms of the deal. Please, please, please – Mr. eGrumps, contact us.”
Friday, April 10th, 2009
President Obama, after holding the first Passover Seder in the White House, for those of the Jewish faith who are on his staff, has learned of the action of the Somali Pirates in holding an American citizen hostage. Having read historical sayings of prior sages of the Jewish community, in other situations, felt it appropriate to issue the following comment: “Let my people go!”
Thursday, April 9th, 2009
In response to my previous post concerning outrageous pay to actors, actresses and sports figures who do not deliver that for which they have been paid (up front – I might add), I have received several threatening letters. Out of concern for their safety from my outraged readers, I will not disclose the names of the responding organizations. The thrust of their comments to me were 1) they are not overpaid, America loves them, and performance is secondary. 2) their past contributions to the mental health of Americans fully justifies their more than reasonable salaries, and 3) mind your own frigging business – or else. Curiously, all of the letters mentioned the same representative who would “visit” me if I continued to pursue this issue. It seems his nickname is “The Fireplug.” I took that to refer to his physical stature, not the fact that dogs have been peeing on his legs.
One of the organizations offered to bribe me, I think, by offering me a free mouse pad containing an autographed picture of President Obama if I found other things to write about. It was a temptation, believe me, to take the signed Obama mouse pad and go on to other things, but I have my standards, low as they may be. I decided to refer the entire matter to the Department of Justice attorneys who prosecuted Senator Stevens of Alaska. They proved to me, and the whole world, that they know how to win a case – probably resulting in the defeat of an incumbent Senator’s bid for reelection. That kind of experience is very difficult to find. The fact that they are being investigated for misconduct only proves to me that they are my kind of lawyers – win at any cost. If they can’t defend eGrumps, no one can. I hope we can agree on a retainer, like about $10.00. I need high-priced attorneys. Besides, I wondered if President Obama had really signed the mouse pad.
Sunday, April 5th, 2009
Great Invention: For people who like peace and quiet, a phoneless cord.
Great fortune cookie message: Ignore previous cookie.
Mae West Quote: He who hesitates is lost.
Sex is the most fun you can have without smiling.
I’m in a phone booth at the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk.