1. The best way to get somebody to live longer is to lean over and whisper the cost of a funeral in his ear (This will not be included in the law).

2. In California today, some cemeteries offer the deceased perpetual care and an answering service (This is a great idea and will be offered as a fringe benefit to those who want to be patriotic and die young. The government will subsidize the cemeteries offering this extra).

3. You can save money today on a funeral if the mortician has a used box (Great, we can have a subsidy – we’ll call it cash for coffins).

Miscellaneous sayings from “others” which will be included in a special provision in Obamacare to encourage an early demise.

a. In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes – die young and save taxes.

b. Death is just a low chemical trick played upon everybody, why be different, die now before they run out of chemicals.

c. If you could die now, you’d be the happiest man alive (Modified from a comment by Samuel Goldwyn.)

d.  ”To die will be an awfully big adventure.” (James Barrie)

e. “When good men die, their goodness doesn’t perish.” (Euripides)

f. “Of all escape mechanisms, death is the most efficient.” (H. L. Mencken)

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Seeking to follow the lead of that great leader of the English people during World War II, President Obama borrowed from the words of Winston Churchill to rally the American people behind his policy in Afghanistan.

“We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Afghanistan,
We shall fight on the seas and oceans.
We shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength.
We shall fight on the beaches.
We shall fight on the landing grounds.
We shall fight in the fields and in the streets.
We shall fight in the hills.
We shall never surrender.

For not less than eighteen months until we withdraw from Afghanistan.
I hope that doesn’t screw up my Nobel Peace Prize.”

All right, President Obama didn’t use those exact words . The White House knows there are no seas or oceans anywhere close to Afghanistan. Their research staff found out that there can be no beaches without seas or oceans, so that also was not included.

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 Of course, if someone makes an offer, he may reconsider his position and perhaps even change his archaic  principles and endorse the First Amendment to the U. S. Constituion.  There is no sense in being dogmatic about these things. Ford, Chrysler, GM,  Mercedes, Lexus, Toyota, all auto manufacturers - do you hear? Are you listening? I’ll change – make eGrumps an  offer, any offer, and we will talk. Truth be known, eGrumps can be had – at the right price. Actually, at any price.

eGrumps Law: Compared to eGrumps, Murphy is a genius”. 
Murphy’s Comment: “For once I agree with that idiot, eGrumps. He’s smarter than I thought.”

Murphy’s Law of Thermodynamics:  Everything gets worse under pressure.

Murphy’s Constant:  Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Some of Murphy’s Technology Laws:
    Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
    Logic is a systematic way of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
    All great discoveries are made by mistake.
    If it is not in the computer, it doesn’t exist.
    Any given program when running is obsolete.
    Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
     A failure will not appear until the product has passed final inspection.

Murphy’s Law of Construction: Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.

Murphy’s Law of Divine Intervention:  The success of any venture will be helped by payer, even in the wrong denomination.

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When you think of the debt the next generation must pay off, it is no wonder a  baby yells when it is born.

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Nothing is as easy as it looks.

Every solution breeds new problems.

After all is said and done, a hell-of-a lot more is said than done.

If mathematically you end up with a wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

If it is not in the computer, it doesn’t exist.

“MURPHY WAS AN IDIOT” — (Mrs. Murphy)

The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion – the jail walls.

Letter to the IRS:
After hearing a sermon on Sunday, a man wrote the following to the IRS:
“I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understand my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $150.00.
If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send in the rest.”

For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.

Q: “How many tax advisors does it take to change a lighbulb?”
A: “In the summer there is a tax deductable convention in Hawaii, dealing with this issue.”

Politics: The art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then applying the wrong remedies.

This year,  please send clothes to all those
poor ladies on Daddy’s Computer.

I promise to be good next year!