Sacramento.  CA

eGrumps having learned of the upcoming Los Angeles traffic catastrophe has issued the following concerning the coming Freeway closing in Los Angeles, CA.

On July 15-16 the San Diego freeway (Rte 405) will be closed for about ten miles, between Santa Monica Blvd. and Ventura Blvd. while Caltrans demolishes 1/2 of a bridge – I thought they were going to demolish the right or left side, and I couldn’t figure out how the non-demolished side would not self demolish. But I have great faith in Caltrans and I knew they must have figured out a way. It turns out I was wrong – they are going to demolish either the north side or the south side – it is classified information as to which side will be demolished, and the info is only being released to those with a need-to-know, like the 1,000,000 or so people who use that freeway every day.

Back to government information – Caltrans has put out a one page flier warning of the upcoming catastrophe. Their advice: “Motorists should use alternate regional freewas to bypass the Sepulveda pass.” Makes sense to me. Glad they told all of us about it.

Looking at a freeway map, the way I figure, the nearest alternative regional freeway goes through San Diego.

The freeway is supposed to open at 6:00 Monday morning – That will be the mother of all traffic jams. It is going to be the first automobile tsunami in the history of The Great Insolvent State of California. Carmagedon is what some are calling it, but that is probably an understatement.

Those businesses with a need for emergency workers, like hospitals, are making plans to keep their employees on the right side of the closure so they can get to work. Hospitals are somewhat concerned, but many of them have told their employees to use alternate regional freeways or else have arranged for living accomidations on the right side of the closure. I suggested to the local hospitals that they tell their patients they would not be receiving any care for two or three days, but to suck it up and behave like the adults they are.

Being somewhat concerned about the situation, I have suggested to Mrs. eGrumps that we can perform a similar public service by taking in boarders for the weekend. I was concerned that the female cocktail waitresses are going to really be in trouble if they can’t get to work, and it would be our civic duty to give the poor little ones a place to stay for the weekend. We may have to double up on bedrooms, but I am sure we can make it work. For some reason she didn’t seem too enthusiastic, even though I said we didn’t need to take in strippers, and I really hadn’t planned to erect a pole so they could practice pole dancing. I thought that idea was a non starter – unfortunately.

Questions About Technical “Support” Given to the Average American Phd candidate concerning a problem she is having with her computer.

Question of the day: Why should I have to press “1″ for English?

2nd Question of the day: Why do technical support people (generally speaking) in foreign countries not speak English loudly and clearly?

3rd Question of the day: Why do technical support people (generally speaking) in foreign countries almost always have to go to their supervisors to  answer anything but the most simple  questions? Why don’t they connect us to the supervisors in the first place.?

4th Question of the day: Whose time is more valuable – the foreign tech. support people or mine? (Don’t answer that)

Most Important Question of the Day: How many technical support people in foreign countries does it take to answer your question? (Damned if I know – I don’t understand their answer anyhow, so I could be talking to the same person, each time using a slightly different accent). Statistics, however,  show the following:

1: The American operator who first answers the call and transfrers you to the foreign operator.

2. The foreign operator who asks who you want to speak to.

3. Assuming you don’t know the name of the person, then you get a new foreign operator who asks you the name, product number and serial number of the item in question.

4. The foreign operator who tells you where the serial number is located, and then puts you on hold while you crawl on the floor to find the damn number.

5. The new foreign operator who picks up the phone after you are disconnected while on hold by the first operator while you searched for the damn number.

6. The three new operators who repeat the questions in “2″ “3″ and “4″

7. The techical support person who asks you the same information you gave twice before about product name, etc. Now, however, he wants your name, address, last four digits of your SSN, driver’s license number, credit card number, date of purchase of the product, where you bought it, the invoice number and the date of registration. Sometimes you are asked for your Mother’s maiden name, but not always. (If they don’t ask, give it to them anyhow, it’ll save time in the long run).

8. The foreign librarian who looks up the answer in the manual so that the person in “7″ can answer the question.

9. The supervisor who tells the librarian she pulled the wrong spec sheet and sends her back to the tech. support person – who now talks to you in the dialect of Southwest Lower Slabovia giving you the correct answer, maybe, from the new spec sheet.

You add them up, I don’t have that many fingers, and besides my computer calculator doesn’t work, which is why I called in the first place.

Washington, D. C. (July 17, 2010)                          (Exclusive)

A number of web sites and ISPs have been closed by the Washington thought purity police. (see http://torrentfreak.com/u-s-authorities-shut-down-wordpress-host-with-73000-blogs-100716/)

A spokesperson (gender neutral identification – PC police – please note) for the Adminstration announced that the eGrumps websites (http://egrumps.com and http://pithycomment.com) would not be shut down by the Intellectual Property Enforcement Coordinator.

A concerted campaign led by a host of eGrumps fans resulted in the sites being removed from the “soon-to-be-deleted” list. A particulalry  poignent letter from eGrumps’ Mother entitled “Let My Son Continue with His Stupid Web Sites” stating if he was shut down, I’d have to talk to him and my mental health would seriously be compromised, please, please, please – Let My People Go!.

Intellectual Property Enforcement Coordinator Victoria Espinel, being a parent herself, took pity on eGrumps’  Mother and reviewed his web sites. Concluding that “there was no intellectual property on those web sites and it was eminently fit for America to read them.” Americans, and the rest of the civilized world (actually the rest of the world, civilized or not)  could profit from reading his sites.Well, “profit” isn’t exactly the right word.

Ray Bradury, writer of Fahrenheit 451, when learning of the new thought police, might have said, “I told you so.” (If you never read the book, eGrumps suggested it was a good read. Very Prophetic. Read it, and be afraid, very afraid)

Who would ever have thought of this for America in the 21st Century – an Intellectual Property Enforcement Coordinator? Next, President Obama will probably say “It’s for your own good,” sort of like what Mom said when I complained about eating spinach.

Washington, D.C.                                            May 26, 2010
Exclusive story to eGrumps

Reacting strongly to criticism for not visiting the oil spill, and related environs, the Office of the President issued the following press release:

“The President is deeply upset about the storm of unpatriotic and seditious criticism that has been released against him for not visiting the oil spill sooner. He wanted the public to know that he has been very busy with affairs of state, and decided to stay in D.C. However, he has decided to book rooms in Hilton Head, South Carolina, at the leading golf resort on the East Coast, to observe the oil spill first hand.

That way he will be able to observe the oil spill while it works its way North, while at the same time he will be able to polish his golf game. He can thus combine business with pleasure. His spokesman issued the following statement: ‘Once you have seen one oil spill, you have seem them all. The crisis has been severlly exaggerated and the President feels his observation of the spill from the golf course will be just as good as if he had flown down there immediately after the oil rig collapsed. He is mindful of his responsibilities, one of which is to keep his physical and mental health strong, by playing golf on a regular basis while at the same time fulfilling his responsibility by observing the spill in great detail from the comfort of a golf cart, which has already been reserved for him. He also felt, the spokesman went on to say, that by hiring a caddy, he would be doing his part to reduce the unemployment rate in the US.’ “

Classified Location, Arizona                                        Exclusive to eGrumps
May 21, 2010

Reacting to harsh criticism the Governor of Arizona has announced a policy designed to prevent any hint of racial profiling:

The spokesperson announced: “For those illegal immigrants who may temporarily be visiting the great State of Arizona, and who are afraid they may be called upon to prove their legal right to continue their stay in Arizona – in order to prevent racial profiling they should take the following step to protect their civil rights:

GO HOME!

That course of action will spare them any embarrassment and protect their privacy. If they go home, their civil rights problem in Arizona will be solved.

Printed cards will be distributed, in English and Spanish, so that this advice will not be forgotten.

A simple solution to a difficult problem:

GO HOME!

American citizens will be given a free copy of their birth certificates which they are encouraged to carry in their wallets.

Illegals spare us a lot of trouble and expense, please:

Go Home”

When President Obama,  Attorney General Holder, Home Security Czar Janet N. were asked about the new policy, all said they had not read it, but it sounded illegal to them and unconstitutional unless a comprehensive solution to the “problem” could be made.  All said they preferred amnesty since it seemed the more humane course, and, of course,  that way, the illegals could all be made wards of the state and allowed to vote in America’s elections.

Internet Maxims:

Great groups from little icons grow.

Speak softly and carry a cell phone.

The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

Oh, what a tangled website we weave.

A chat has nine lives.

Home is where you hang your @.

What boots up must come down.

There’s no place like http://www.home.com

Exclusive to eGrumps

Washington, D. C. (April 2, 2010)

In a plan to reduce unemployment, and continuing the modest gains of March, 2010, the Administration announced a new policy.  In March, 2010, there were 162,000 employees added to the work force, according to preliminary figures.  Of these jobs, 48,000 consisted of temporary workers hired for the 2010 census.

Now we are going to take monthly censuses.

As a Cabinet Meeting held in early April, it was decided to continue taking censuses. Commencing on May 1, 2010 the Administration will now conduct monthly censuses. All existing temporary workers will be assigned other duties, like reading the Census Reports, and then writing a novel from the accumulated date.

The Administration spokesman stated: “Every month 48,000+/-  new workers will be added to the workforce to conduct the monthly census. At the same time, the prior months temporary hires will be assigned to writing the great American novel from the accumulated date. While we don’t expect great literature to be produced from these random figures, we are hoping to be pleasantly surprised. With so many workers devoting time to this project, there is a chance that something of literary interest will be produced, and, besides, the object is not to produce great books (we have plenty of them already) but to hire 48,000+ new employees every month in order to reduce unemployment. It is always possible, the President felt, that useful data will be mined for the overall benefit of the country from the monthly censuses, but that is a secondary concern.

“It is an ingenious plan,” the Spokesman said. “Unemployment will be reduced. The country will get tons of useful data, and it may even get great literature. Further, the number of new voters to support the Administration in the coming election will be increased significantly. “

“The Administration denied, with great vehemence that the purpose of these hirings was strictly political, that is to get new voters.  A little bit, maybe, but it wanted to stress that it is a win-win situation for America.  There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that a pre-printed voter registration form is attached to the employment application. Are we not a great, glorious and ingenious Administration, or what. By tweaking the system,unemployment will be a thing of the past!”

For weeks I have been bombarded with letters, cards and advertisements telling me to be sure to fill out my census form and mail it in. I couldn’t do that because it asked for information as of April 1, and I had no way of predicting the future – what are the facts as of April 1, 2010. Now, it is past that date, and I have received no new communications advising me to send the form in. That’s good, because I now have a problem – I can’t remember who lived in my house yesterday and even if I could, I don’t remember where I put the census form.

Advice to the government – In 2020, assuming the planet is still here, why not remind your citizens to put the census form where you will not lose it. That would be better advice then telling us to guess at the future. Then – on April 1, 2020 – send everyone, through iPhones, Blackberrys, Computers, iPads, TVs and whatever other Internet connecting machines that then exists a polite reminder to send in the friggin’ form. Can’t be done? – sure it can – twice a year, through some means I don’t understand, all computers adjust for Daylight Savings Time – coming and going.

So why can’t “it” send everyone a non-blockable pop-up on April 1, every hour on the hour, to send in the Census form. I know it would be annoying, but it is a small price to pay for having an accurate census. Which, in the grand scheme of things is most important, not annoying all of America’s citizens or having a complete census.

For all I know, such a plan could be in the Health Care Bill (Obamacare), everything else seems to be. I think there is already a provision in the law that provides that every person who doesn’t send in the Census Form will be fined – big time – it’s a felony. The IRS is mandated to enforce the return of the census forms, and, if you don’t send them in, your income tax return will be audited. The Law contains about 2050+/- pages, so I haven’t been able to find that provision – yet – but trust me, it’s there. Would eGrumps lie to you?

I think the full story will be on 60 minutes in a few weeks. It would be on next week, but no one, except for one junior mail clerk, has mailed in his census form. I think they all forgot where they put them.

Washington – are you listening?

Washington, D. C. (March 24, 2010)                                                                      from eGrumps

Obamacare provides for a new 10% “tax” to be levied upon the gross receipts of tanning salons – presumably the customers would be charged an extra 10% on the cost of their “treatments.” What has not been mentioned is the racial overtones of this tax. It is undisputed that the primary customers of these salons are Caucasians,  so while Blacks, or non Caucasians do use the salons, they are in a distinct minority. The Whites would be disproportionately subject to the “revenue enhancing measure” – a non-tax  for those earnings less than $250,000 per year. Whoever said “Revenue enhancing measures are color blind” never heard of this “tax” on tanning salons. Frankly, this is subtle discrimination in its most insidious and obnoxious form. I submit it is a form of reverse affirmative action. (or, more properly, disaffirmative action)

More discouraging is the plan to hire 150,000 (+/-) IRS Agents to police these businesses.  It is necessary to read between the lines of this measure to realize that the extra money that will be raised will be used to hire FBI Agents to oversee the IRS Agents.  Any funds left over (Hah – when it comes to government “tax revenues”) will be used to hire CIA Agents to oversee the FBI Agents who are overseeing the IRS agents. Interpol also wants some money to oversee the CIA Agents who are overseeing the FBI Agents who are overseeing the IRS Agents. Is America not a free enterprise democracy, or what? This is the “Stimulus Package” at its finest – job creation!

The new slogan “Tax their hides, black, white and those in-between. The government needs the money” The Agents have been instructed to be sure and read the customers their Miranda rights, at least the IRS Agents that can read, have been so instructed.

A quick review of the Constitution shows nothing about tanning salons, so presumably it is a legal exercise of the inherent “taxing” powers vested in the Federal Government, the States Governments, the County Governments and the City Governments, not to mention Special Appraisal Districts and those other governmental entities that have “taxing” authority and that desire to squeeze extra money out of their law abiding citizens.

Sacramento, CA, March 8, 2010                                               Exclusive to eGrumps

After Governor Arnold (also known as “The Terminator”)  announced that California was broke (also known as “insolvent”),  he set forth his plan to bring public awareness of the fiscal plight (also known as “blight”) of the great State of California. A spokesperson announced that henceforth “California would be known as the Great Insolvent State of California (also known as GISOC) and all references to California in schools, buildings, news stories and speeches would be changed to “GISOC.” Bids were actively being solicited from licensed contractors to make the necessary cosmetic changes on the buildings.

In addition, the Official Seal of California was being redesigned  to show only San Francisco harbor with a sinking ship being featured. On the bow of the ship, and the transom, the letters “GISOC” would be prominently featured. “It is a graphic way to show our plight” the Spokesperson announced.

The Governor, Members of the Senate and Assembly, who were largely responsible for the insolvency of California, are pictured on the shore with the words “Help, Save our State, PLEASE, we couldn’t do it” featured in bold letters.

When the man-on-the-street was polled about this change, the most common answer was “Are they out of their friggin’ minds?” It would appear that the typical man-on-the-street is smarter than GISOC’s elected officials.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Washington D. C. February 25, 2010                                                                   Special to eGrumps

In an effort to defuse scathing criticism about the lack of transparency  in the Health Care Deliberations, although promised by Candidate Obama in the presidential election, the White House announced a new policy to make the entire process transparent to the American people (and illegal aliens living in the United States).

A new piece of legislation will be introduced to allow the public to purchase Transparency Credits. These credits would be fully transferable, either by being sold or given to others.  Every owner of  10 Transparency Credits will be given a password to allow him, or her, the right to access, on their individual computers,  the otherwise closed committee meetings. For those individuals who cannot afford the purchase of Transparency Credits, say anyone below 800% of the poverty level, they will receive  an entitlement allowing them to purchase the Credits (or receive additional food stamps — their choice). The amount of time that access will be granted, per credit, was still being worked out. Similarly, whether House Committee meetings, Senate Committee meetings or Combined  Senate-House Committee meetings will cost the same to access was still under discussion. Closed White House Sessions will definitely cost more Transparency Credits, but how much more had not been determined.

A White House spokesman announced. “This is a win-win situation for the American people. President Obama will have fulfilled his campaign promises, the Treasury will receive substantial additional funds from the sale of the Credits, and everyone will know exactly what is going on behind closed doors because the process is now transparent. The President, in his campaign oratory never, ever said transparency would be free, and he hopes the public will recognize that fact – regardless of what the Bloggers of America, or the right-wing press, will tell the American people. He has issued a challenge for anyone to find a quotation where he said transparency will be free. It is a small price for the public to pay in order to gain access to the inner workings of the legislative process and to help reduce the deficit, which was caused by the previous administration.”

The spokesman went on to say: “The President has said that this will be true capitalistic democracy in action, not some wild socialistic scheme. He fully expects a market to develop for the sale of Transparency Credits where people can freely buy or sell the Credits.  Inquiries have been received from many Exchanges for the right to sell these Transparency Credits. The President hopes there will be no price gouging, but he is fully prepared to set price fixing goals if anyone is making too much money off of the Transparency Credit Market.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Washington D. C. February 11, 2010                  (exclusive to eGrumps)

Strong criticism has been levied at Governor Pallin’s use of her hand to store crib notes for her speech at the Tea Party Convention. Various reasons for the criticism have been advanced including an allegation that she obviously has Alzheimer’s disease and couldn’t remember the subject of her talk; the use of her left  hand, rather than her right hand, only confirms her desire to conceal her right wing bias; and the fact that her political advisors couldn’t spell more than three words.

The harshest criticism has come from the technophiles (almost all of the Democratic persuasion) that Gov. Palin, and her staff, are technologically obsolete.  One was heard to say “Look, if she knew what she was doing, she would have used teleprompters to have her entire speech prepared in advance. Look how advanced our President is, he never gives a speech without his teleprompters, and never, well, almost never, misspeaks.” One nerd went on to say “It just shows how behind the times Gov. Palin is. If President Obama  can do it, so can Gov. Palin. There would be no criticism of her if only she had used the teleprompter for the whole speech, like our President always does.  Has anyone ever criticized the President for having his entire speech printed out on a machine? As a matter of fact — the President fired his last speech writer for suggesting he have his speech printed out on his hand and shirtsleeves.”

Gov. Palin’s supporters insisted that this showed what an all-American woman Gov. Palin is, holding to old fashioned values, and not succumbing to the the lure of wasteful and expensive technology, when the old programming system works just as well, if not better.

America should be proud of her, not criticize her. It shows her ingenuity to not surrender her core values. One of her advisors was heard to say: “‘Look, if President Obama ever went on a moose hunt with Gov. Palin, he would be absolutely speechless in the wilds, unless a portable teleprompter could be found, and that would have to be packed in on dog sled – and then he would be running the risk that Gov. Palin’s husband would be driving the sled and would reprogram the machine. No – Gov. Palin deserves three loud cheers for her ingenuity.”

Washington, D. C. February 3, 2010               (Leaked to eGrumps by anonymous sources in the White House.)

The Chinese government has suggested it would not be in America’s best interests to meet with the Dalai Lama because, among other things, it would damage “trust and cooperation” between the two countries.

Regardless of the implied threat, the Administration, in an effort to quiet the rising tide of discontent between Las Vegas and the Administration, decided to schedule a meeting with the Dalai Lama in Las Vegas and to invite representatives from the Chinese government to attend. The Administration felt that (1)Chinese officialdom could not turn down a junket to Las Vegas (2)Las Vegas would welcome the visitors brought there by the conference, and (3)the hard feelings between Las Vegas and the President would be settled.

“It’s a trifecta” one Administration official told the enthusiastic Washington press corps. It is truly a win-win-win situation for the world. (The fact that the press would get to accompany the President to Las Vegas had nothing to do with their enthusiasm)

The Administration suggested that the Chinese bring the United States Bonds they owned on the trip and use them for “currency” at the gambling tables. America could back the casinos, and when the Chinese lost their bets, as they surely would, America could buy the Bonds back from the casinos at a very reasonable discount.  America would even pay for the plane fare for the Chinese to come to Vegas, and would allow them to use Nancy Pelosi’s airplane for the trip. The Administration felt Ms. P. would cooperate as long as they comped her, and her 43 person staff, for room and meals in Vegas.

“The whole thing is coming together” the Spokesperson said “how brilliant can our President be with this approach to world diplomacy.” When asked what would happen if the Chinese won at the tables, the spokesman was heard to say: “Never happen! Trust us on that.”

Washington, D. C. (February 2, 2010)           (Not exclusive to eGrumps)

A special slightly schizophrenic alert has been issued:

February 2, 2010: In Nashua, New Hampshire President Obama stated “When times are tough….You don’t blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you’re trying to save for college.” (I think most people know that)

February 2, 2010: In a letter to Senator Reid, President Obama stated “…There is no place better to have fun than Vegas, one of our country’s great destinations. I have always enjoyed my visits, look forward to visiting in a few weeks, and hope folks will visit in record numbers this year.” (presumably not with college tuition money)

Well, he also stated that he was trying to make the point that families use vacation dollars, not college tuition money, to have fun. The first quotation didn’t say anything about using vacation dollars or people having fun with vacation dollars (in Vegas). And why will older people, or people with no children, ever consider not using college tuition money, since there is no need to save for college tuition.

Nothing was said about those parents using college tuition money who win gambling in Vegas. (It does happen) Presumably that’s OK with the Pres.

A spokesperson for the Administration announced it is considering a scholarship plan for the children of any parent who used college tuition money and lost it gambling in Vegas.

An anonymous spokesperson for Las Vegas stated that he hoped the President was not going to use college tuition money for his children when he visits us.

The Las Vegas Resort Board is devising a test to show which money their visitors are using. If it is “college tuition” money – that’s a no-no, and the visitors will be asked to leave after five days. If it is “vacation money,” the visitors will be asked to leave after five days, or whenever their money runs out, whichever is last.

The Los Angeles Times Business News (January 23, 2010) spotlighted Two (2) major headlines in its Business Section;

1. “Dow posts triple-digit loss again”

and

2. Conan makes way for Jay.”

The third major headline (not on the top of the page, however) was “Signs Point to Exec’s Affair.”

eGrumps says; “That says it all as to why the newspapers are declining : A headline about two TV comics, an executive having an affair (what’s new about that?) and a major decline in the Dow average.  No wonder the Times circulation is falling through the floor – people who want to read about Dow financial info are not going to buy the LA Times, people who are interested in Conan and Jay (assuming some of you know who they are and their importance in then grand business scheme of things) aren’t going to buy the LA Times, and people who are interested in an executive’s amorous affairs aren’t going to buy the LA Times.”

I assume there is no correlation between the Dow falling, Jay and Conan switching air times, and the exec’s affair. If there is, I take it all back and the LA Times gets the eGrumps Business Award of the Year for unearthing a story on which no other media outlet has commented. If there is a correlation, then I suggest Jay and Conan should switch back, the exec should continue his affair — and all of us should go long the Dow.  (But as the SEC warning goes, past performance is no guarantee of future performance)

______________________________________________________________________________________

Washington, D. C. (Exclusive to Grumps (January 20, 2010)

Four major computer makers, who asked that their names not be divulged since their products were still under development, held a press conference in Washington D. C. announcing the development of a super mini computer for post-death use. The new machines had been designed to fit into a coffin so that the deceased individuals, who spent most of their lives on a computer, could continue spending eternity on the computers.

Software had been designed so that the computers could be connected to the Internet forever. An email program would allow the deceased to connect with other Internet users who were also dead. As far as battery life was concerned, an eternal power supply was a standard feature of the new machines.  No web sites would be blocked, although some concern was expressed about the effect of a dead person going to a porn site, but since the developers would all be dead some day, and they all visited porn sites on a regular basis, they saw no harm in leaving those sites accessible.

Unlike their dead owners, these machines will be decay proof.

Facebook and Twitter will be available, although pictures of the dead, for obvious reasons, could not be uploaded. It was suggested that those types of sites should be accessed pre-death, to post pictures of the computer owners, not post-death.  It was planned to give an educational pamphlet to  each purchaser. They had already been printed in over 59 languages.

To prove the feasibility of these new computers, volunteers were asked to sign up, make out their Wills, leave instructions as to the placement of the computers, and then commit suicide.

Unfortunately, the companies had been unable to design a machine that could be used post-death by those who had been cremated. “We’re working on it,” one of the developers stated, “but the technical problems are immense.”

To say that everyone at the press conference was stunned would be an understatement.

The classification of these new computers:

Eternal Computers.

________________________________________________________

Would you read a book that had the following review?

“Money Shot is a stunner, careening along with a wild, propulsive energy and a deliciously incendiary spirit. Laced with bravado and loaded up with knockout charm, Christa Faust’s Money Shot debut is the literary equivalent of a gasoline cocktail.”

Actually, the grammar isn’t quite right. “Christa Faust’s Money Shot debut…” leaves something to be desired in the grammar department. It would seem to imply that there will be a Christa Faust’s Money Shot Two, which there isn’t. Probably should have said Christa Faust’s debut novel, Money Shot…..” but what the heck, the reviewer is a professional writer, not me — yet.

“deliciously incendiary spirit?” I like that. It’s better than a sour tasting incendiary spirit. But then, if it is truly incendiary, who cares whether it is delicious or not. Maybe the reference to a gasoline cocktail came from “deliciously incendiary.” – you think?

The Book — Money Shot by Christa Faust.

If you’re interested, I suggest you buy it right away, because it is careening along with a wild propulsive energy, and you might want to get it before it stops careening having run out of wild, propulsive energy.

__________________________________________________________________

Washington D. C. December 14, 2009                               (Satirical News from eGrumps)

The organizers of the “Who I Would Least Like to be Stranded With on a Tropical Island” contest announced that they have discontinued the contest. Votes will no longer be accepted.

It was stated that the tally was so one-sided, that the issue was no longer in doubt and they decided to announce the winner without waiting for further votes.

The spokesperson issued the following news release: “It is with a great deal of pride that we announce that Americans have finally found a common ground  - Conservatives and Liberals,  Straights and Gay, men and women, have finally come together and agreed upon something, the winner: Nancy Pelosi – the person with whom they would least like to be stranded with on a tropical island. Congratulations Madam Speaker. However, it should be pointed out that Tiger Wood has said he did not agree and would personally visit the island with her – if they had a golf course.”

Neither Ms. Pelosi nor any spokesperson from her office would issue a comment. One anonymous voter suggested that she should accept her award on the tropical island, but since she had not been heard from concerning this singular honor, it was felt not proper to suggest she attend the award ceremony.

_______________________________________________________________________

When the police investigated Tiger Woods accident, he should have told them the  complete truth.

“Officer I was merely driving out of my driveway when this fire-plug moved directly in front of my car and ran right into the front of my car. It must have been drinking to behave so erratically. It was not my fault.”

“Look, it was not like Chappaquiddick with Ted Kennedy driving the car. There was no girl asleep in the back seat like there was when he ran his car into the water and the girl drowned. That was a real tragedy. Actually, this crazy lady was chasing me with a golf club. Maybe she scared the fire-plug.It wasn’t until some time later that I learned it was my wife chasing me with the eight-iron to tell me I had forgotten to put it in my golf bag. “

“Officer, tell me, do you think this will hurt my golf career and my product endorsements? Please be honest with me. Look what Chappaquiddick did with Ted Kennedy’s image and his desire to become President. People do exaggerate these little incidents.”

“I wonder if the company that makes Viagra needs a celebrity to endorse their product?”

________________________________________________________________________________

Washington D.C. — December 5, 2009               (Satirical Comedy (+/-)  by eGrumps)

Anonymous Congressional staffers have presented a solution to America’s concern about a government run health-care system. Meeting in private, in the “Conspiracy Room” in the White House basement, they considered various ways to alleviate the very obvious concern of Americans toward a plan that would nationalize 1/6th of the American economy. No minutes were kept and the participants insisted upon anonymity.

eGrumps, was sworn to secrecy, as to the identities of the participants, but he was assured that they represented very, very high people in government. Knowing the reputation of those with whom he met, he had complete confidence in the reliability of what he was told.

Basically, in order to quell dissent and to insure Congressional passage,     (more…)