eGrumps having learned of the upcoming Los Angeles traffic catastrophe has issued the following concerning the coming Freeway closing in Los Angeles, CA.

On July 15-16 the San Diego freeway (Rte 405) will be closed for about ten miles, between Santa Monica Blvd. and Ventura Blvd. while Caltrans demolishes 1/2 of a bridge – I thought they were going to demolish the right or left side, and I couldn’t figure out how the non-demolished side would not self demolish. But I have great faith in Caltrans and I knew they must have figured out a way. It turns out I was wrong – they are going to demolish either the north side or the south side – it is classified information as to which side will be demolished, and the info is only being released to those with a need-to-know, like the 1,000,000 or so people who use that freeway every day.

Back to government information – Caltrans has put out a one page flier warning of the upcoming catastrophe. Their advice: “Motorists should use alternate regional freewas to bypass the Sepulveda pass.” Makes sense to me. Glad they told all of us about it.

Looking at a freeway map, the way I figure, the nearest alternative regional freeway goes through San Diego.

The freeway is supposed to open at 6:00 Monday morning – That will be the mother of all traffic jams. It is going to be the first automobile tsunami in the history of The Great Insolvent State of California. Carmagedon is what some are calling it, but that is probably an understatement.

Those businesses with a need for emergency workers, like hospitals, are making plans to keep their employees on the right side of the closure so they can get to work. Hospitals are somewhat concerned, but many of them have told their employees to use alternate regional freeways or else have arranged for living accomidations on the right side of the closure. I suggested to the local hospitals that they tell their patients they would not be receiving any care for two or three days, but to suck it up and behave like the adults they are.

Being somewhat concerned about the situation, I have suggested to Mrs. eGrumps that we can perform a similar public service by taking in boarders for the weekend. I was concerned that the female cocktail waitresses are going to really be in trouble if they can’t get to work, and it would be our civic duty to give the poor little ones a place to stay for the weekend. We may have to double up on bedrooms, but I am sure we can make it work. For some reason she didn’t seem too enthusiastic, even though I said we didn’t need to take in strippers, and I really hadn’t planned to erect a pole so they could practice pole dancing. I thought that idea was a non starter – unfortunately.

Question of the day: Why should I have to press “1″ for English?

2nd Question of the day: Why do technical support people (generally speaking) in foreign countries not speak English loudly and clearly?

3rd Question of the day: Why do technical support people (generally speaking) in foreign countries almost always have to go to their supervisors to  answer anything but the most simple  questions? Why don’t they connect us to the supervisors in the first place.?

4th Question of the day: Whose time is more valuable – the foreign tech. support people or mine? (Don’t answer that)

Most Important Question of the Day: How many technical support people in foreign countries does it take to answer your question? (Damned if I know – I don’t understand their answer anyhow, so I could be talking to the same person, each time using a slightly different accent). Statistics, however,  show the following:

1: The American operator who first answers the call and transfrers you to the foreign operator.

2. The foreign operator who asks who you want to speak to.

3. Assuming you don’t know the name of the person, then you get a new foreign operator who asks you the name, product number and serial number of the item in question.

4. The foreign operator who tells you where the serial number is located, and then puts you on hold while you crawl on the floor to find the damn number.

5. The new foreign operator who picks up the phone after you are disconnected while on hold by the first operator while you searched for the damn number.

6. The three new operators who repeat the questions in “2″ “3″ and “4″

7. The techical support person who asks you the same information you gave twice before about product name, etc. Now, however, he wants your name, address, last four digits of your SSN, driver’s license number, credit card number, date of purchase of the product, where you bought it, the invoice number and the date of registration. Sometimes you are asked for your Mother’s maiden name, but not always. (If they don’t ask, give it to them anyhow, it’ll save time in the long run).

8. The foreign librarian who looks up the answer in the manual so that the person in “7″ can answer the question.

9. The supervisor who tells the librarian she pulled the wrong spec sheet and sends her back to the tech. support person – who now talks to you in the dialect of Southwest Lower Slabovia giving you the correct answer, maybe, from the new spec sheet.

You add them up, I don’t have that many fingers, and besides my computer calculator doesn’t work, which is why I called in the first place.

A number of web sites and ISPs have been closed by the Washington thought purity police. (see http://torrentfreak.com/u-s-authorities-shut-down-wordpress-host-with-73000-blogs-100716/)

A spokesperson (gender neutral identification – PC police – please note) for the Adminstration announced that the eGrumps websites (http://egrumps.com and http://pithycomment.com) would not be shut down by the Intellectual Property Enforcement Coordinator.

A concerted campaign led by a host of eGrumps fans resulted in the sites being removed from the “soon-to-be-deleted” list. A particulalry  poignent letter from eGrumps’ Mother entitled “Let My Son Continue with His Stupid Web Sites” stating if he was shut down, I’d have to talk to him and my mental health would seriously be compromised, please, please, please – Let My People Go!.

Intellectual Property Enforcement Coordinator Victoria Espinel, being a parent herself, took pity on eGrumps’  Mother and reviewed his web sites. Concluding that “there was no intellectual property on those web sites and it was eminently fit for America to read them.” Americans, and the rest of the civilized world (actually the rest of the world, civilized or not)  could profit from reading his sites.Well, “profit” isn’t exactly the right word.

Ray Bradury, writer of Fahrenheit 451, when learning of the new thought police, might have said, “I told you so.” (If you never read the book, eGrumps suggested it was a good read. Very Prophetic. Read it, and be afraid, very afraid)

Who would ever have thought of this for America in the 21st Century – an Intellectual Property Enforcement Coordinator? Next, President Obama will probably say “It’s for your own good,” sort of like what Mom said when I complained about eating spinach.

Reacting strongly to criticism for not visiting the oil spill, and related environs, the Office of the President issued the following press release:

“The President is deeply upset about the storm of unpatriotic and seditious criticism that has been released against him for not visiting the oil spill sooner. He wanted the public to know that he has been very busy with affairs of state, and decided to stay in D.C. However, he has decided to book rooms in Hilton Head, South Carolina, at the leading golf resort on the East Coast, to observe the oil spill first hand.

That way he will be able to observe the oil spill while it works its way North, while at the same time he will be able to polish his golf game. He can thus combine business with pleasure. His spokesman issued the following statement: ‘Once you have seen one oil spill, you have seem them all. The crisis has been severlly exaggerated and the President feels his observation of the spill from the golf course will be just as good as if he had flown down there immediately after the oil rig collapsed. He is mindful of his responsibilities, one of which is to keep his physical and mental health strong, by playing golf on a regular basis while at the same time fulfilling his responsibility by observing the spill in great detail from the comfort of a golf cart, which has already been reserved for him. He also felt, the spokesman went on to say, that by hiring a caddy, he would be doing his part to reduce the unemployment rate in the US.’ “

Reacting to harsh criticism the Governor of Arizona has announced a policy designed to prevent any hint of racial profiling:

The spokesperson announced: “For those illegal immigrants who may temporarily be visiting the great State of Arizona, and who are afraid they may be called upon to prove their legal right to continue their stay in Arizona – in order to prevent racial profiling they should take the following step to protect their civil rights:

GO HOME!

That course of action will spare them any embarrassment and protect their privacy. If they go home, their civil rights problem in Arizona will be solved.

Printed cards will be distributed, in English and Spanish, so that this advice will not be forgotten.

A simple solution to a difficult problem:

GO HOME!

American citizens will be given a free copy of their birth certificates which they are encouraged to carry in their wallets.

Illegals spare us a lot of trouble and expense, please:

Go Home”

When President Obama,  Attorney General Holder, Home Security Czar Janet N. were asked about the new policy, all said they had not read it, but it sounded illegal to them and unconstitutional unless a comprehensive solution to the “problem” could be made.  All said they preferred amnesty since it seemed the more humane course, and, of course,  that way, the illegals could all be made wards of the state and allowed to vote in America’s elections.

Great groups from little icons grow.

Speak softly and carry a cell phone.

The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

Oh, what a tangled website we weave.

A chat has nine lives.

Home is where you hang your @.

What boots up must come down.

There’s no place like http://www.home.com

Washington, D. C. (April 2, 2010)

In a plan to reduce unemployment, and continuing the modest gains of March, 2010, the Administration announced a new policy.  In March, 2010, there were 162,000 employees added to the work force, according to preliminary figures.  Of these jobs, 48,000 consisted of temporary workers hired for the 2010 census.

Now we are going to take monthly censuses.

As a Cabinet Meeting held in early April, it was decided to continue taking censuses. Commencing on May 1, 2010 the Administration will now conduct monthly censuses. All existing temporary workers will be assigned other duties, like reading the Census Reports, and then writing a novel from the accumulated date.

The Administration spokesman stated: “Every month 48,000+/-  new workers will be added to the workforce to conduct the monthly census. At the same time, the prior months temporary hires will be assigned to writing the great American novel from the accumulated date. While we don’t expect great literature to be produced from these random figures, we are hoping to be pleasantly surprised. With so many workers devoting time to this project, there is a chance that something of literary interest will be produced, and, besides, the object is not to produce great books (we have plenty of them already) but to hire 48,000+ new employees every month in order to reduce unemployment. It is always possible, the President felt, that useful data will be mined for the overall benefit of the country from the monthly censuses, but that is a secondary concern.

“It is an ingenious plan,” the Spokesman said. “Unemployment will be reduced. The country will get tons of useful data, and it may even get great literature. Further, the number of new voters to support the Administration in the coming election will be increased significantly. “

“The Administration denied, with great vehemence that the purpose of these hirings was strictly political, that is to get new voters.  A little bit, maybe, but it wanted to stress that it is a win-win situation for America.  There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that a pre-printed voter registration form is attached to the employment application. Are we not a great, glorious and ingenious Administration, or what. By tweaking the system,unemployment will be a thing of the past!”

Advice to the government – In 2020, assuming the planet is still here, why not remind your citizens to put the census form where you will not lose it. That would be better advice then telling us to guess at the future. Then – on April 1, 2020 – send everyone, through iPhones, Blackberrys, Computers, iPads, TVs and whatever other Internet connecting machines that then exists a polite reminder to send in the friggin’ form. Can’t be done? – sure it can – twice a year, through some means I don’t understand, all computers adjust for Daylight Savings Time – coming and going.

So why can’t “it” send everyone a non-blockable pop-up on April 1, every hour on the hour, to send in the Census form. I know it would be annoying, but it is a small price to pay for having an accurate census. Which, in the grand scheme of things is most important, not annoying all of America’s citizens or having a complete census.

For all I know, such a plan could be in the Health Care Bill (Obamacare), everything else seems to be. I think there is already a provision in the law that provides that every person who doesn’t send in the Census Form will be fined – big time – it’s a felony. The IRS is mandated to enforce the return of the census forms, and, if you don’t send them in, your income tax return will be audited. The Law contains about 2050+/- pages, so I haven’t been able to find that provision – yet – but trust me, it’s there. Would eGrumps lie to you?

I think the full story will be on 60 minutes in a few weeks. It would be on next week, but no one, except for one junior mail clerk, has mailed in his census form. I think they all forgot where they put them.

Washington – are you listening?

Obamacare provides for a new 10% “tax” to be levied upon the gross receipts of tanning salons – presumably the customers would be charged an extra 10% on the cost of their “treatments.” What has not been mentioned is the racial overtones of this tax. It is undisputed that the primary customers of these salons are Caucasians,  so while Blacks, or non Caucasians do use the salons, they are in a distinct minority. The Whites would be disproportionately subject to the “revenue enhancing measure” – a non-tax  for those earnings less than $250,000 per year. Whoever said “Revenue enhancing measures are color blind” never heard of this “tax” on tanning salons. Frankly, this is subtle discrimination in its most insidious and obnoxious form. I submit it is a form of reverse affirmative action. (or, more properly, disaffirmative action)

More discouraging is the plan to hire 150,000 (+/-) IRS Agents to police these businesses.  It is necessary to read between the lines of this measure to realize that the extra money that will be raised will be used to hire FBI Agents to oversee the IRS Agents.  Any funds left over (Hah – when it comes to government “tax revenues”) will be used to hire CIA Agents to oversee the FBI Agents who are overseeing the IRS agents. Interpol also wants some money to oversee the CIA Agents who are overseeing the FBI Agents who are overseeing the IRS Agents. Is America not a free enterprise democracy, or what? This is the “Stimulus Package” at its finest – job creation!

The new slogan “Tax their hides, black, white and those in-between. The government needs the money” The Agents have been instructed to be sure and read the customers their Miranda rights, at least the IRS Agents that can read, have been so instructed.

A quick review of the Constitution shows nothing about tanning salons, so presumably it is a legal exercise of the inherent “taxing” powers vested in the Federal Government, the States Governments, the County Governments and the City Governments, not to mention Special Appraisal Districts and those other governmental entities that have “taxing” authority and that desire to squeeze extra money out of their law abiding citizens.

After Governor Arnold (also known as “The Terminator”)  announced that California was broke (also known as “insolvent”),  he set forth his plan to bring public awareness of the fiscal plight (also known as “blight”) of the great State of California. A spokesperson announced that henceforth “California would be known as the Great Insolvent State of California (also known as GISOC) and all references to California in schools, buildings, news stories and speeches would be changed to “GISOC.” Bids were actively being solicited from licensed contractors to make the necessary cosmetic changes on the buildings.

In addition, the Official Seal of California was being redesigned  to show only San Francisco harbor with a sinking ship being featured. On the bow of the ship, and the transom, the letters “GISOC” would be prominently featured. “It is a graphic way to show our plight” the Spokesperson announced.

The Governor, Members of the Senate and Assembly, who were largely responsible for the insolvency of California, are pictured on the shore with the words “Help, Save our State, PLEASE, we couldn’t do it” featured in bold letters.

When the man-on-the-street was polled about this change, the most common answer was “Are they out of their friggin’ minds?” It would appear that the typical man-on-the-street is smarter than GISOC’s elected officials.

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