Question of the day: Why should I have to press “1″ for English?

2nd Question of the day: Why do technical support people (generally speaking) in foreign countries not speak English loudly and clearly?

3rd Question of the day: Why do technical support people (generally speaking) in foreign countries almost always have to go to their supervisors to  answer anything but the most simple  questions? Why don’t they connect us to the supervisors in the first place.?

4th Question of the day: Whose time is more valuable – the foreign tech. support people or mine? (Don’t answer that)

Most Important Question of the Day: How many technical support people in foreign countries does it take to answer your question? (Damned if I know – I don’t understand their answer anyhow, so I could be talking to the same person, each time using a slightly different accent). Statistics, however,  show the following:

1: The American operator who first answers the call and transfrers you to the foreign operator.

2. The foreign operator who asks who you want to speak to.

3. Assuming you don’t know the name of the person, then you get a new foreign operator who asks you the name, product number and serial number of the item in question.

4. The foreign operator who tells you where the serial number is located, and then puts you on hold while you crawl on the floor to find the damn number.

5. The new foreign operator who picks up the phone after you are disconnected while on hold by the first operator while you searched for the damn number.

6. The three new operators who repeat the questions in “2″ “3″ and “4″

7. The techical support person who asks you the same information you gave twice before about product name, etc. Now, however, he wants your name, address, last four digits of your SSN, driver’s license number, credit card number, date of purchase of the product, where you bought it, the invoice number and the date of registration. Sometimes you are asked for your Mother’s maiden name, but not always. (If they don’t ask, give it to them anyhow, it’ll save time in the long run).

8. The foreign librarian who looks up the answer in the manual so that the person in “7″ can answer the question.

9. The supervisor who tells the librarian she pulled the wrong spec sheet and sends her back to the tech. support person – who now talks to you in the dialect of Southwest Lower Slabovia giving you the correct answer, maybe, from the new spec sheet.

You add them up, I don’t have that many fingers, and besides my computer calculator doesn’t work, which is why I called in the first place.

Great groups from little icons grow.

Speak softly and carry a cell phone.

The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

Oh, what a tangled website we weave.

A chat has nine lives.

Home is where you hang your @.

What boots up must come down.

There’s no place like http://www.home.com

This is the story of the first graduate.

A man is seated in an airliner, which is about to take off when another man with a Labrador retriever occupies the empty seats next to him.
The lab is situated in the middle, and the man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains they work for  the airline.

The airline rep said,”Don’t mind Sniffer; he is the best sniffing dog  there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,”Watch this”. He tells the dog, “Sniffer search”.
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a  few seconds, then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
handlers arm. He says “Good boy.”

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making note of this and her seat
number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.”

“Fantastic!” replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffs
about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds and returns to its seat,and places two paws on the handlers arm. The airline rep says,
“That man is carrying cocaine, so again I’m making note of this and his seat number.”

“I like it!” says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while he sits down
next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well trained sniffing dog and asks,”Whats going on?”

The handler nervously replies,”He just found a bomb!”

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Who was in very good health.

It did not matter one whit.

He was still going to be taxed quite a bit.

Because of Obamicare’s provisions –
enacted with great stealth.

(All right, so the limerick is not quite perfect, actually it is not
even close, but you should get the message anyhow. If you have
a better last line, send it to me at egrumps@egrumps.com, and I’ll
give it all the attention it deserves. I might even give you credit, if you
want it, but I’m not sure you’d want your name associated with this site.)

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After considering various options for the trial of the alleged terrorist (the “Underwear  Bomber”) the DOJ decided to indite him on indecent exposure. Citing the difficulties in getting a conviction for acts of terrorism, attempted murder, and bad-conduct on an airplane, career political (and senior) attorneys from the Department of Justice , after conferring with The President, the Vice-President, the Secretary of State and the head of the Department of Homeland Security (“Security Czar”), not to mention all four members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the Head of the CIA, the Head of the FBI, and the Terrorism Unit of the Detroit Police Department – and yours truly, eGrumps  - decided that the only sure way to get a conviction was to drop all charges except Indecent Exposure. All agreed, except for eGrumps, who was  the lone dissenting voice.

It was felt this would be a slam-dunk conviction because of the way he tried to remove, and was somewhat successful,  his trousers while on a public conveyance.  A conviction on the other charges was “iffy.” A spokesperson said “America is a land of true justice and compassion, civil liberties, and all-around good people, so a conviction on this narrow ground would show the efficacy of our legal system and the forgiveness of the American people. Besides, it was almost certain that a Release could be gotten for the unprovoked actions of a fellow passenger in attacking the Underwear Bomber and protect the USA from any future liability for damages. The savings alone could be well worth a trial on this legal theory.”

When asked as to the severity of the sentence the Underwear Bomber would receive, the spokesman said he thought the Federal Criminal Code provided a maximum sentence of six months, with time off for good behavior.  ”After all, it’s not like he blew up the plane,” the spokesman said.

“This should put the fear of God (oops, Allah) into any would be terrorists. Our prisons are no trip to the beach, you know. No color television, no private cells, no computer access to email, Facebook or Twitter, no cell phones, no iPods, no access to almost anything worth while these days. This will be really rough on him.” he stressed.

The official report from the Committee stressed that this should act as a suitable deterrent, and serve as a lesson to the Underwear Bomber and his friends.  Justice has been served.

President Obama reviewed all evidence from his golf cart in Hawaii and fully concurred with this result. After all, he stated, this was an “Isolated Instance.” We must build bridges to earn the friendship of our terrorist friends, and it is up to us to take the first step. The United Nations should be proud, and I want to pledge $5,000,000,000 from the United States to investigate the root cause of terrorism, poverty, and what can be done to solve this problem.

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It’s Thanksgiving – hooray!! By special dispensation from eGrumps, all diets are automatically suspended until Friday, November 27, 2009. I knew you were waiting for that before you pig out today.

Many of you who drop in to this web site are from countries other than America. I hope you’ll join us in celebrating this holiday. Like my wife said about our marriage, no matter how bad things are, they can always get worse. (That’s hard to believe, at least about our marriage. ).

eGrumps wife is a great cook. Using a new recipe his wife put the turkey in aluminum foil. She had to roast it till it was brown. Twenty hours later the aluminum foil was still silver.

An optimist is a person who starts a diet on Thanksgiving day.

Thanksgiving is America’s chow-down feast, the one occasion in the year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.

The first turkeys were not wild. They just went crazy when they found out what we intended to do with them.

Last Thanksgiving eGrumps wife cooked a turkey in the microwave oven. We had to eat at seven-thirty in the morning.

Thanksgiving is a day when the turkey gets stuffed in the morning, and the family gets stuffed in the afternoon.

The Puritans celebrated Thanksgiving day to commemorate being saved from the Indians.  We continue to celebrate it to commemorate being saved from the Puritans.

After Thanksgiving dinner, the man who has trouble making ends meet ought to get himself a longer belt.

Thanksgiving is a day off that is usually followed by an off day.

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EGrumps, in his constant search for “truth,” came across the following headlines, on the Internet which represent the conclusions of the authors of the articles, not necessarilly the conclusions or the words of either Professsor Chomsky or  Mr. Limbaugh.

1.” Noam Chomsky compares Right-Wing media to Nazi Germany.”

2.” Rush Limbaugh compares Democrats to Nazis. “

While I haven’t exactly found this, yet, on the Internet, eGrumps believes the Editorial Boards of       Mad Magazine and The Onion have both offered jobs to the Nobel Peace Prize Selection Committee.  It is believed there was a great deal of dissent from both Editorial Boards, the dissenters feeling that no one in their right mind would believe that the Peace Prize should be given to President Obama. Two annonymous aides were heard to say “Why are we lowering the  journalistic standards of our satrical magazines to offer those clowns a job.”

Rumor has it that eGrumps will receive the Nobel Prize for journalism.

eGrumps: “Don’t hold your breath for that to be true, but still, if President Obama could get the Nobel for peace, who knows why the Journalism Award should not be given to eGrumps. Certainly his friends (both of them) feel he is entitled.”