Monday, March 8th, 2010
Sacramento, CA, March 8, 2010 Exclusive to eGrumps
After Governor Arnold (also known as “The Terminator”) announced that California was broke (also known as “insolvent”), he set forth his plan to bring public awareness of the fiscal plight (also known as “blight”) of the great State of California. A spokesperson announced that henceforth “California would be known as the Great Insolvent State of California (also known as GISOC) and all references to California in schools, buildings, news stories and speeches would be changed to “GISOC.” Bids were actively being solicited from licensed contractors to make the necessary cosmetic changes on the buildings.
In addition, the Official Seal of California was being redesigned to show only San Francisco harbor with a sinking ship being featured. On the bow of the ship, and the transom, the letters “GISOC” would be prominently featured. “It is a graphic way to show our plight” the Spokesperson announced.
The Governor, Members of the Senate and Assembly, who were largely responsible for the insolvency of California, are pictured on the shore with the words “Help, Save our State, PLEASE, we couldn’t do it” featured in bold letters.
When the man-on-the-street was polled about this change, the most common answer was “Are they out of their friggin’ minds?” It would appear that the typical man-on-the-street is smarter than GISOC’s elected officials.
Thursday, March 4th, 2010
Washington, D.C., March 4, 2010 Exclusive to eGrumps
Having recently appointed Scott Matheson, Jr. to fill a judicial vacancy in the Court of Appeals for the Tenth Circuit, the Administration announced that he was fully qualified for this position (which he apparently is) and it was totally irrelevant that his brother, Representative Jim Matheson from Utah, had voted against the Health Care Bill (Obamacare).
The Administration also announced the appointment of a blue-ribbon commission to select other nominees to fill vacant positions within the Administration. A spokesperson said “There are only so many qualified relatives of Democrats who voted against Obamacare to become judges, but there are a substantial number of vacant positions that can be filled by other relatives of the dissenting congresspeople. The Blue Ribbon Commission (“Citizens to Fill Vacancies in the Federal Government”) was having their staff put together a list containing the following information: (1) Democrats who voted against Obamacare, (2) Relatives of those Democrats, and (3) Vacant positions within the federal government. In order to limit the number of relatives, the list included only (a) spouses (b) siblings (c) children (d) grandchildren (e) nieces and nephems and(e) spouses of “b,” “c” ”d” and”e”. Also included in the list of relatives were creditors of the congressperson who, while not technically “relatives,” could be considered relatives because of the close financial ties between the creditor and the house member. “
“This is a wonderful opportunity to get qualified people to fill vacant jobs who might otherwise not want to work for the Federal Government,” an Administration Spokesperson said, “and the fact that all of them were related to congresspeople who had voted against Obamacare is really not important and is just a minor detail. It’s merely a question of getting qualified people to fill out the ranks of vacant federal jobs in Washington, and almost no pressure will be placed on the congressperson to change his or her vote to favor Obamacare. The Administration certainly would not stoop to “buying votes” for Obamacare. We view this as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get qualified employees. We hope the American people understand our pure non-political motives in this matter.”
Sunday, February 28th, 2010
Washington, DC (February 28, 2010)
eGrumps has the complete and final solution to the problem of universal health care. Frankly, I’m surprised the Administration has not put forward this plan:
1. Anyone who doesn’t purchase the mandated health care insurance, will be guilty of a felony, and will be sent to jail – no right of appeal. (Those felons must be kept off of the street so they don’t infect the rest of the law abiding citizens of America with dangerous ideas.)
2. In jail they will receive free medical treatment.
3. Problem solved!
Democrats, Republicans, Independents – are you listening?
The question of buying the insurance or going to jail will be known as the “eGrumps option.”
Thursday, February 25th, 2010
Washington D. C. February 25, 2010 Special to eGrumps
In an effort to defuse scathing criticism about the lack of transparency in the Health Care Deliberations, although promised by Candidate Obama in the presidential election, the White House announced a new policy to make the entire process transparent to the American people (and illegal aliens living in the United States).
A new piece of legislation will be introduced to allow the public to purchase Transparency Credits. These credits would be fully transferable, either by being sold or given to others. Every owner of 10 Transparency Credits will be given a password to allow him, or her, the right to access, on their individual computers, the otherwise closed committee meetings. For those individuals who cannot afford the purchase of Transparency Credits, say anyone below 800% of the poverty level, they will receive an entitlement allowing them to purchase the Credits (or receive additional food stamps — their choice). The amount of time that access will be granted, per credit, was still being worked out. Similarly, whether House Committee meetings, Senate Committee meetings or Combined Senate-House Committee meetings will cost the same to access was still under discussion. Closed White House Sessions will definitely cost more Transparency Credits, but how much more had not been determined.
A White House spokesman announced. “This is a win-win situation for the American people. President Obama will have fulfilled his campaign promises, the Treasury will receive substantial additional funds from the sale of the Credits, and everyone will know exactly what is going on behind closed doors because the process is now transparent. The President, in his campaign oratory never, ever said transparency would be free, and he hopes the public will recognize that fact – regardless of what the Bloggers of America, or the right-wing press, will tell the American people. He has issued a challenge for anyone to find a quotation where he said transparency will be free. It is a small price for the public to pay in order to gain access to the inner workings of the legislative process and to help reduce the deficit, which was caused by the previous administration.”
The spokesman went on to say: “The President has said that this will be true capitalistic democracy in action, not some wild socialistic scheme. He fully expects a market to develop for the sale of Transparency Credits where people can freely buy or sell the Credits. Inquiries have been received from many Exchanges for the right to sell these Transparency Credits. The President hopes there will be no price gouging, but he is fully prepared to set price fixing goals if anyone is making too much money off of the Transparency Credit Market.
Monday, February 22nd, 2010
In considering Obamacare for the masses (that’s most of you (but not me)) attention has been given to funeral parlors, funeral plots and funeral plans for the 21st century. While not formally a part of Obamacare, an intelligent (?) discussion in the White House, between various czar planners for Obamacare considered the following in order to reduce the population to manageable proportions to cut the total cost of Obamacare:
1. The best way to get somebody to live longer is to lean over and whisper the cost of a funeral in his ear (This will not be included in the law).
2. In California today, some cemeteries offer the deceased perpetual care and an answering service (This is a great idea and will be offered as a fringe benefit to those who want to be patriotic and die young. The government will subsidize the cemeteries offering this extra).
3. You can save money today on a funeral if the mortician has a used box (Great, we can have a subsidy – we’ll call it cash for coffins).
Miscellaneous sayings from “others” which will be included in a special provision in Obamacare to encourage an early demise.
a. In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes – die young and save taxes.
b. Death is just a low chemical trick played upon everybody, why be different, die now before they run out of chemicals.
c. If you could die now, you’d be the happiest man alive (Modified from a comment by Samuel Goldwyn.)
d. ”To die will be an awfully big adventure.” (James Barrie)
e. “When good men die, their goodness doesn’t perish.” (Euripides)
f. “Of all escape mechanisms, death is the most efficient.” (H. L. Mencken)
Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010
Washington, D. C. February 3, 2010 (Leaked to eGrumps by anonymous sources in the White House.)
The Chinese government has suggested it would not be in America’s best interests to meet with the Dalai Lama because, among other things, it would damage “trust and cooperation” between the two countries.
Regardless of the implied threat, the Administration, in an effort to quiet the rising tide of discontent between Las Vegas and the Administration, decided to schedule a meeting with the Dalai Lama in Las Vegas and to invite representatives from the Chinese government to attend. The Administration felt that (1)Chinese officialdom could not turn down a junket to Las Vegas (2)Las Vegas would welcome the visitors brought there by the conference, and (3)the hard feelings between Las Vegas and the President would be settled.
“It’s a trifecta” one Administration official told the enthusiastic Washington press corps. It is truly a win-win-win situation for the world. (The fact that the press would get to accompany the President to Las Vegas had nothing to do with their enthusiasm)
The Administration suggested that the Chinese bring the United States Bonds they owned on the trip and use them for “currency” at the gambling tables. America could back the casinos, and when the Chinese lost their bets, as they surely would, America could buy the Bonds back from the casinos at a very reasonable discount. America would even pay for the plane fare for the Chinese to come to Vegas, and would allow them to use Nancy Pelosi’s airplane for the trip. The Administration felt Ms. P. would cooperate as long as they comped her, and her 43 person staff, for room and meals in Vegas.
“The whole thing is coming together” the Spokesperson said “how brilliant can our President be with this approach to world diplomacy.” When asked what would happen if the Chinese won at the tables, the spokesman was heard to say: “Never happen! Trust us on that.”
Monday, January 25th, 2010
Washington D. C. (January 25, 2010)
Banker’s Salaries: The Administration has come up with a novel, and fair plan concerning banker’s salaries. No bank employee shall receive a salary that is greater than the amount paid to the highest paid professional athlete. If a professional athlete gets paid $35,000,000 a year for throwing a little round ball in a hoop, that’s the most that can be paid to any banker, who doesn’t even have to work up a sweat to receive the maximum amount. It’s objective, it’s fair and a great deal for America. Unlike professional athletic teams where there is a cap on the total amount that can be paid to a team’s athletes, because of the difference in the number of employees working for the various banks, there will be no salary caps per institution, unless, of course, the bankers get greedy.
Tax Increases: Despite the fact that many, many banks have repaid the TARP loans, all of them would be subject to a small tax, to expire in 2065, to make up for those banks who had not repaid their loans. When questioned about such a plan the Spokesperson said “The banks can live with it. It is perfectly fair and in the fine tradition of the American economic system – “All for one and one for all.” a phrase the Administration said, could clearly be traced back to Alexander Dumas and was the inspiration for Karl Marx, a great advocate of fairness in the economic systems of the world. It seemed appropriate under the present circumstances. Repayment of loans by some banks cannot be considered in this context. It is a total irrelevancy”
Additional Scapegoats: “The Administration” he went on to say “is considering additional Scapegoats, who also were 100% responsible for America’s economic woes. Among those being considered are the automobile industry, the insurance industry, the mortgage industry, the American Medical Association, the American Bar Association (excluding trial lawyers) the Flight Attendants Union, FOX News and the Republican Party. Congress will be excluded in considering scapegoats since the Administration feels they had nothing to do with America’s economic problems and merely reflected the will of the people.”
Friday, January 8th, 2010
Washington, D. C. (January 8, 2010)
(Special to eGrumps) The Department of Homeland Security after an exhaustive review of the “security measures” in place to protect our country is instituting a novel approach to provide greater security for Americans. Legal Aliens, and Illegal Aliens residing in the United States. Citing the difficulty in not providing security for those here illegally, without violating their rights, the Department concluded that the same protection would be afforded for all. “It’s the American way,” a spokesperson said. “besides, the President has been told that some of the ‘undocumented workers’ even pay taxes (once they are caught and about to be deported). What’s fair is fair.”
The new “see-through” scanners would not have caught the Underwear Bomber, despite their enormous cost. “We are purchasing them anyhow,” the spokesperson said ”because some of the terrorists might not be smart enough to realize they don’t really work too well and many of them cannot read the spec sheets put out by the manufacturers. It’s a calculated risk, and it might work, but in any event is well worth the millions of dollars the machines cost. If they don’t prove effective, we can always resell them to the legal brothels in Los Vegas in order to provide them a quick way to screen their customers and determine which male customer should be paired up (almost said “fitted”) with which female employee. We could even make a profit on the resale.”
Having said that, the spokesman then disclosed the new machine that will be purchased. After reading the news stories about the “Fort Hood Bomber,” and the “Underwear Bomber” the investigators all concluded that there was a “failure to connect the dots.” Even President Obama, he of the open and transparent government, stated that there was a “failure to connect the dots.”
“Our new machine,” the spokesperson said is a “Connect The Dots Machine. If it had been in place, the Fort Hood shooter would have been caught in a preemptive strike and the Underwear Bomber wouldn’t even have been allowed to board the airplane. It’s what we have been missing – a ‘Connect the Dots Machine.’ It’s virtually foolproof when correctly programmed.”
When asked about details of the machine and how it worked the spokesperson merely grinned and said release of the details are on a need to know basis, and if the ‘terrorists,” enemy combatants’ and ‘bad’ guys knew of the technology involved, they could take steps to circumvent the high-tech circuitry that these machines employ.” ”As soon as the Administration feels it is safe to release the details” the spokesperson stated that “The President would go on C-Span so that America would know all about these machines. and how they work. even President Obama has stated ‘Trust me on this, would I ever promise to go on C-Span and not do it, and this time I don’t have my fingers crossed.”
Friday, January 1st, 2010
Washington, D. C. (January 1, 2010)
After considering various options for the trial of the alleged terrorist (the “Underwear Bomber”) the DOJ decided to indite him on indecent exposure. Citing the difficulties in getting a conviction for acts of terrorism, attempted murder, and bad-conduct on an airplane, career political (and senior) attorneys from the Department of Justice , after conferring with The President, the Vice-President, the Secretary of State and the head of the Department of Homeland Security (“Security Czar”), not to mention all four members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the Head of the CIA, the Head of the FBI, and the Terrorism Unit of the Detroit Police Department – and yours truly, eGrumps - decided that the only sure way to get a conviction was to drop all charges except Indecent Exposure. All agreed, except for eGrumps, who was the lone dissenting voice.
It was felt this would be a slam-dunk conviction because of the way he tried to remove, and was somewhat successful, his trousers while on a public conveyance. A conviction on the other charges was “iffy.” A spokesperson said “America is a land of true justice and compassion, civil liberties, and all-around good people, so a conviction on this narrow ground would show the efficacy of our legal system and the forgiveness of the American people. Besides, it was almost certain that a Release could be gotten for the unprovoked actions of a fellow passenger in attacking the Underwear Bomber and protect the USA from any future liability for damages. The savings alone could be well worth a trial on this legal theory.”
When asked as to the severity of the sentence the Underwear Bomber would receive, the spokesman said he thought the Federal Criminal Code provided a maximum sentence of six months, with time off for good behavior. ”After all, it’s not like he blew up the plane,” the spokesman said.
“This should put the fear of God (oops, Allah) into any would be terrorists. Our prisons are no trip to the beach, you know. No color television, no private cells, no computer access to email, Facebook or Twitter, no cell phones, no iPods, no access to almost anything worth while these days. This will be really rough on him.” he stressed.
The official report from the Committee stressed that this should act as a suitable deterrent, and serve as a lesson to the Underwear Bomber and his friends. Justice has been served.
President Obama reviewed all evidence from his golf cart in Hawaii and fully concurred with this result. After all, he stated, this was an “Isolated Instance.” We must build bridges to earn the friendship of our terrorist friends, and it is up to us to take the first step. The United Nations should be proud, and I want to pledge $5,000,000,000 from the United States to investigate the root cause of terrorism, poverty, and what can be done to solve this problem.
Monday, December 14th, 2009
Washington D. C. December 14, 2009 (Satirical News from eGrumps)
The organizers of the “Who I Would Least Like to be Stranded With on a Tropical Island” contest announced that they have discontinued the contest. Votes will no longer be accepted.
It was stated that the tally was so one-sided, that the issue was no longer in doubt and they decided to announce the winner without waiting for further votes.
The spokesperson issued the following news release: “It is with a great deal of pride that we announce that Americans have finally found a common ground - Conservatives and Liberals, Straights and Gay, men and women, have finally come together and agreed upon something, the winner: Nancy Pelosi – the person with whom they would least like to be stranded with on a tropical island. Congratulations Madam Speaker. However, it should be pointed out that Tiger Wood has said he did not agree and would personally visit the island with her – if they had a golf course.”
Neither Ms. Pelosi nor any spokesperson from her office would issue a comment. One anonymous voter suggested that she should accept her award on the tropical island, but since she had not been heard from concerning this singular honor, it was felt not proper to suggest she attend the award ceremony.
Tuesday, December 1st, 2009
Washington, D.C. (December 1, 2009) (Satirical Comment by eGrumps)
Seeking to follow the lead of that great leader of the English people during World War II, President Obama borrowed from the words of Winston Churchill to rally the American people behind his policy in Afghanistan.
“We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Afghanistan,
We shall fight on the seas and oceans.
We shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength.
We shall fight on the beaches.
We shall fight on the landing grounds.
We shall fight in the fields and in the streets.
We shall fight in the hills.
We shall never surrender.
For not less than eighteen months until we withdraw from Afghanistan.
I hope that doesn’t screw up my Nobel Peace Prize.”
All right, President Obama didn’t use those exact words . The White House knows there are no seas or oceans anywhere close to Afghanistan. Their research staff found out that there can be no beaches without seas or oceans, so that also was not included.
Monday, November 23rd, 2009
FOR MORE MURPHY ON SEX, GO TO HTTP://pithycomment.com – You have probably deduced that eGrumps
has been accused of being fixated on the subject of this posting, hence more of the same on the
pithycomment.com web site, his other subprime website. “Fixated” is probably too strong a work, but maybe not.
Please don’t tell Mrs. eGrumps. Fortunately she is computer illiterate (I think) and besides, she thinks I am
fixated on the subject – she should only know.
1. Nothing improves with age (except good wine).
2. No matter how many times you have had it, if it is offered, take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.
3. Sex has no calories.
4. No sex with anyone in the same office (This rule is occasionally ignored)
5. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself (This rule is also occasionally ignored.).
6. Never say no.
7. There may be some things better than sex, and somethings worde than sex. But – there is nothing exactly like it.
8. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
Remember http:/pithycomment.com for more on this fascinating subject.