Archive for the ‘Satire – Political’ Category
Tuesday, April 13th, 2010
In an effort to protect American airliners, President Obama announced the formation of a dog corps, designed to sniff out trouble before it begins.
This is the story of the first graduate.
A man is seated in an airliner, which is about to take off when another man with a Labrador retriever occupies the empty seats next to him.
The lab is situated in the middle, and the man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains they work for the airline.
The airline rep said,”Don’t mind Sniffer; he is the best sniffing dog there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,”Watch this”. He tells the dog, “Sniffer search”.
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
handlers arm. He says “Good boy.”
The airline rep turns to the first man and says, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making note of this and her seat
number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.”
“Fantastic!” replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffs
about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds and returns to its seat,and places two paws on the handlers arm. The airline rep says,
“That man is carrying cocaine, so again I’m making note of this and his seat number.”
“I like it!” says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while he sits down
next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well trained sniffing dog and asks,”Whats going on?”
The handler nervously replies,”He just found a bomb!”
Tuesday, August 25th, 2009
Washington D. C., Agust 25, 2009 (Commentary by eGrumps)
In regard to the now pending rather nebulous health care bills, Washington is wondering which statement of a former President of the United States is President Obama following — Abraham Lincoln or George W. Bush:
Abraham Lincoln: You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time. or
George W. Bush: “You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on.”
(I’m not sure Pres. Bush ever said those words, but it is urban legend that he did, so who am I to argue with that.)
Las Vegas is laying 10 to 1 that Obama is following the quotation of President Bush – hard to believe. He may deny it, but facts are facts.
Monday, August 17th, 2009
Washington D. C., August 18, 2009 (Commentary by eGrumps)
In a remarkable example of how not to represent a client, the Department of Justice (“DOJ”) has filed a brief in the case of a gay couple suing the federal government to invalidate the Defense of Marriage Act which was enacted by Congress in 1996.
The DOJ position will satisfy neither those in favor of gay marriages nor those opposed to them.
The DOJ has said in their brief that they are required by law to defend federal statutes as long as reasonable arguments can be made for their constitutionality (Score One Point for those opposed to Gay Marriage). They also said that, although it is required by law to support the law, “even if it disagrees with a particular statute as a policy matter, as it does here” (Score One Point for those in favor of Gay Marriage). (more…)
Friday, August 14th, 2009
Washington, D. C., August 14, 2009 (Commentary by eGrumps)
Bowing to popular pressure, President Obama, after stating that there were no “Death Panel” provisions in any portion of the proposed Obamacare health bills, has ordered the non-existing provisions deleted from the proposed law. No longer would “dying with dignity” be considered, rather “dying without dignity” would be the operative criteria.
In lieu of the removal of such non-existent provisions, he has announced that the new Law, whatever its final form, would establish “End Game Commissions.” (more…)
Friday, August 7th, 2009
Washington D.C, August 7, 2009 (Commentary by eGrumps)
The House of Representatives has decided to spend $550,000,000 to buy about 8 Gulfstream Jets (The exact number proposed is not quite clear). The Air Force had requested only 1 Gulfstream Jet. (more…)
Wednesday, August 5th, 2009
Washington, D.C., August 5, 2009 (Commentary by Grumps)
Renaming the White House:
In a momentus and unprecedented announcement from the White House (the “WH”), in view of the racial “controversy” surrounding Sonya Sotomayor, Professor Gates, Barack Obama and others and in view of all of the various ethnicity’s residing in the US (legally and illegally), the Obama Administration announced that in an effort to bring racial harmony to DC, the WH would no longer be called the WH. It announced that six interior and exterior decorators, of various nationalities and religions, had been hired (as part of the Stimulus, Cash for Clunkers and TARP programs) to repaint the WH in different colors. “It will better reflect the true diversity of the United States” an Administration spokesman said. “Every wing, wall, roof section, and column will be of a different color. The various hues to be used will be in direct proportion to the hues of our population, i.e. X% White, Y%, Black, Z% brown as determined by the census to be conducted every ten years.Regardless of the census, however, at least a 1% color will be allocated to each group, even if that percentage is not reflected in the census figures.”
The ex-WH will be repainted every ten years to keep the color arraingment current. There was some controversy because the Administration Diversity Czar, Religious Czar and the Freedom from Religious Czar felt the colors should be based upon the percentage of religious beliefs held by various religious and non-religious groups in the US. This was not adopted because of a dispute as to what color would be allocated to the atheists.
The matter of which color will be placed where was still under discussion. A major point of controversy was the new name for the WH, since WH would no longer be appropriate. Because of the cost of reprinting stationery, business cards, maps, web site names, etc. it was decided to keep the “H” in place so everyone could merely white-out the W. Someone suggested it should be called the “Ex-WH,” since all that needed to be done was to stamp “Ex” before “WH,” but a number of the committee members said that reminded them of their ex-wives, which was not good. It was almost decided to call it “The House of Ill-Repute,” or HIR, even though it did bring to mind the number of other houses of ill-repute in DC. It was clear that some confusion would arise since when someone said I’ll meet you at the House of Ill Repute, it was ambiguous, to say the least., as to where they would meet – not to mention with whom.
Finally – the Committee decided to call it “The President’s House of Ill Repute,” or “PHIR” for short. In view of what had gone on in the WH in previous years, the Committee felt the new name was quite appropriate.
Friday, July 24th, 2009
Washington D.C. July 24, 2009 (Commentary by eGrumps)
“I could’ve calibrated those words differently.” so sayeth the President. Actually, several learned scholars have said that what he really should have said was “I miscalibrated those words.”
The scholarly semantical journals have said that the whole controversy would have gone away if (i) he uncalibrated the words first, (ii) then recalibrate the miscalibrated words, and (iii) say what he really should have said, thus doing away with the great debate that will fill the halls of academia for decades, thus doing away with such arcane words as “calibrate,” “miscalibrate,” “recalibrate” and “uncalibrate.” However, the entire subject could provide grounds for a substantial government grant to study this problem so do not look for the controversy to go away.
A simple “I could have put the matter a little differently. I misspoke,” if he felt he did, would have been just fine, we all do that, even eGrumps. Nothing to be ashamed of. No big deal to say what you really meant to say. It happens to eGrumps all the time, especially when talking to police officers when they are giving him a traffic ticket.
As my good friend Hamlet said (more or less)
“To calibrate differently, or not to calibrate differently: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep….”
Thursday, July 23rd, 2009
Washington D. C. July 23, 2009 (Reported by eGrumps)
In an effort to revive public approval of his Health Care Plan, and to reassure the American people that they would continue to receive prompt, quality health care, President Obama announced that he was recruiting senior executives from inside government departments. Their experience, he announced, should silence all criticism of the way Obamacare would be managed and should reassure the American people that he had their best interests at heart.
He announced a nine (9) person Management Committee with complete oversight of America’s entire health programs including medical personnel (doctors, nurses and technicans), medical and nursing schools, medications (legal and illegal), hospitals, nursing homes and cemetaries, medical devices and medical manuals and books.
The nine (9) person Committee would be appointed by him – three (3) from the Board of Directors of Amtrack, three (3) from the Management of the Postal Service, and three (3) from FEMA, all of whom will have had experience with the Katrina rescue mission. I hope to have a racially diverse group and a gender neutral group (although, unless we use a transgender cross-dresser, it may be difficult to divide two sexes into a nine member Board.) If I have trouble on selecting these members, ACORN has promised to help and their reputation is unblemished, almost.
The outstanding way these departments have performed over the years should give rest to any rumors that I will not appoint experienced executives to run 1/6th of the American economy. Their background cannot be matched by any Board of Directors of any corporation or labor union in the country, no matter what the industry.
He stated that this my fellow citizens is a win/win situation. Any criticism of Obamacare should now stop – right now – I mean it. I’ve done my best for the American people and there now can be no legitimate criticism of Obamacare. Partisan politics have no place in this situation. Anyone who has the temerity to criticise this plan is, as Joe Biden once said about not paying taxes, simply not patriotic.
Monday, July 13th, 2009
(Washington D. C., July 13, 2009)(eGrumps commentary)
The ethnic clash in the so-called Western Autonomous Region of China has been largely ignored by America’s Major TV Networks and Main Stream Media.
What is going on over there is a very serious clash between two ethnic groups. but not much of it is reported in America.
The answer as to why it is not reported is simple. The region is called the Xinjang Region. The Capital City is Urumgi and the second city is called Kashgar. The ethnic dispute is between the Uighurs (ethnic Muslim’s) and the Hun Chinese (not ethnic Muslims).
None of the people on TV can pronounce any of those names, yet alone find the area on a map of China. No one in print media can spell any of those names, yet alone find the area on a map of China. America remains ignorant.
Too bad it wasn’t like Tibet – there our media was right on it – they could spell it, pronounce it, and find it on a map.. I wonder how President Obama and Mrs’ Clinton’s State Depatment feel about this conflict. I suppose it’s like Iran (without nuclear weapons) – America will not meddle. Maybe Obama will appoint another Czar to analyze it and determine what position America should take on this ethnic conflict. Probably nothing – he will not be able to find it or spell the names either.
Sunday, July 12th, 2009
(Washington, D. C, (July 12, 2009) (eGrumps Comments)
Barbara Boxer, Senator from the Great Insolvent State of California, has stated that if the bill to cut global climate change (no longer called the bill to eliminate global warming) is not passed there will be dire results: (1) droughts, (2) flood, (3) fires, (4) loss of species, (5) damage to agriculture, (6) worsening air polution and (7 t0 10) ”more.”
eGrumps noted the similarity to the 10 Plagues that would be inflicted upon Egypt if the Pharoah refused to let the Hebrews go. The divine inflicted plagues were : (1) Water to Blood, (2) Frogs, (3) Gnats or Lice, (4) Flies, (5) Livestock Diseased, (6) Boils, (7) Thunder and Hail, (8) Locusts, (9) Darkness and (10) Death of the Firstborn. (see the Old Testament for complete description).
One can only speculate if the Firstborn will be killed if her bill is not passed, but what did she mean by the use of the word “more?” Has the good Senator got a direct line to the Almighty?
Since China has refused to endorse the bill to cut climate change, and since they only have allowed one birth per family, does this mean that the entire Chinese population will be will be wiped out within one generation if the dire consequences of Senator Boxer includes Death of the Firstborn? Is that what she wants – doesn’t seem too ecologically sound – I thought one of the purposes of the bill was to prevent the loss of species.
As a matter of fact, this might be one of the law of unintended consequences – America’s debt to China would be wiped out since there would be no one left to collect it.
Senator Boxer (who doesn’t like to be addressed as “Ma’am”) might be smarter than anyone thought. Way to go, Barbara, change the “dire results list” to specifically include the Tenth Biblical Plage – Death of the Firstborn. Look, if it was good enough to be used in the Bible as a Plague, it’s good enough for you to use as a scare tactic to pass the law to cut global climate change.
Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
(Washington, D. C., July 1, 2009) (exclusive to eGrumps)
President Obama has released a tenative list of the countries that are on his meddle/do not meddle list.
Stressing the fact that this list was a work-in-process and could be modified as events dictated, the following countries were listed:
Never Meddle: (i) Iran, (ii)Venezuela (iii) Cuba and (iv) Saudi Arabia.
Sometimes Meddle/Sometimes Not Meddle: Honduras (if the Dictator is reinstated to the position from which he was removed for not following the Constituion of Honduras, this will go in the “Do not Meddle” category. If he is forced to remain in exile, then America may “meddle.”
Always Meddle: (i) Israel and (ii) California (although technicalally not a Country, the very size of CA and it’s economic importance makes it necessary to include it in this category.)
The President assured the American poeople that it was necsary to draw the meddle/do not meddle line at some point, even though it may result in some unwanted consequences in order to protect Ameria’s interests. As one unnamed Administration Spokesperson said: “Trust us on this.”
Tuesday, April 7th, 2009
(Washington, D.C. Exclusive to eGrumps.) Defense Secretary Gates and President Obama announced a savings of about Eight Billion Dollars ($8,000,000,000) by eliminating, or reducing, certain programs and weapons systems which the Pentagon, but not the Administration, feels are important to the security of the United States. Among the programs affected were missile defense programs, helicopters, fighter jets (reducing the number of F-22s to be purchased by limiting it to four more fighters) and a communication satellite etc. etc. etc. The number of jobs to be affected was not disclosed.
At the same time, President Obama proudly announced a plan to spend approximately Six Hundred and Fifty Billion Dollars ($650,000,000,000) for health care reform. The type of reform to be implemented has not been released to the public. What is so wonderful about this plan, he felt, is the inclusion of illegal aliens in the United States to get the same type of coverage as will be offered to American citizens and aliens legally in the US. Everyone will be equal.
The amount of savings that would be achieved if the illegal aliens were dropped from coverage has not been specified, but it is reliably believed to be very substantially in excess of the Eight Billion Dollars cut from the Pentagon’s budget.
Thursday, April 2nd, 2009
At the G20 meeting Angela Merkel, chief German honcho said: “I will not let anyone tell me we must spend more money.”
I wonder in Angela is married!
Wednesday, April 1st, 2009
London (Special to eGrumps News Service). The White House announced that after the wonderful reception that their gift of 25 DVDs to P. M. Brown received, they had given an iPod to the Queen of England with a $50.00 credit to download any songs of her choice from the Internet. They felt it was more appropriate that Her Highness select the songs, rather than pre-loading the iPod with tunes she might not like. As far as the trip was concerned, it showed every sign of being a smashing success. Windows were being smashed, walls were being smashed and even an occasional Bobby was smashed. The President felt right at home, an unnamed source reported. The President told him that it was almost like being back in Chicago. “Made me feel right at home,” he reportedly said. “What a wonderful reception. I hope they don’t run out of windows.”