Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category
The vetting process took about 15 minutes since everyone was having coffee at Starbucks, but once they realized the importance of the task they were asked to do, they finished their first cup, refused seconds and went to work. Mrs. eGrumps and I are very pleased with the efficiency that they acted to make sure I was safe on the links and that the top secret information I was receiving through Facebook would remain secure.
I also intend to issue a Procamation congratulating GM in not honoring any warranty work on warranties issued before they went through bankruptcy and received their government “loan.” I want to make sure they are commended in doing their best to hold down the government deficit by keeping GM fiscally solvent so they can repay their loan before 2049. Patriotism must be recognized.
That’s about it for now – I’ve got to pack and head to Air Force 329 (employing the latest in glider technology to reduce pollutants) so I can leave.
Portland, OR (August 1, 2010) Exclusive to eGrumps
Having successfully dealt with the accusations against former VP Gore, the Portland PD announced that the procedure employed with Mr. Gore will become Standard Operating Procedure (SOP) for persons accused of crimes.
In investigating the guilt or innocence of the ex-VP, he was allowed to answer 14 written questions that were furnished to him to be answered at his leisure at home (or his lawyer’s office) some time prior to their decision not to prosecute. His attorneys, and anyone else for that matter, were allowed to help him with his answers.
The Portland PD announced that was so successful, from now on anyone accused of a crime would be questioned in the same manner. They considered two sets of questions, following the good cop bad cop interrogation proceedure, but it was deemed impractical.
The spokesperson announced that this would cut down on the number of policemen employed in Portland and certainly reduce the jail population. In the future – all personnel would be supplied with written questions to be given to the suspect to answer. Miranda rights would be typed at the top of the form. For those citizens of Portland who, having graduated from High School in Portland, could not read or write, special assistants would be furnished. For those good citizens of Portland who spoke only a foreign language, translators would be furnished. The Police would not be allowed to ask the immigration status of the non-English speaking suspects.
The Mayor’s office proudly announced that this was the most humane and forward looking police procedure ever adopted and he looked forward to great success in reducing the crime rate in Portland.
Washington, D. C. (July 17, 2010) (Exclusive)
A number of web sites and ISPs have been closed by the Washington thought purity police. (see http://torrentfreak.com/u-s-authorities-shut-down-wordpress-host-with-73000-blogs-100716/)
A spokesperson (gender neutral identification – PC police – please note) for the Adminstration announced that the eGrumps websites (http://egrumps.com and http://pithycomment.com) would not be shut down by the Intellectual Property Enforcement Coordinator.
A concerted campaign led by a host of eGrumps fans resulted in the sites being removed from the “soon-to-be-deleted” list. A particulalry poignent letter from eGrumps’ Mother entitled “Let My Son Continue with His Stupid Web Sites” stating if he was shut down, I’d have to talk to him and my mental health would seriously be compromised, please, please, please – Let My People Go!.
Intellectual Property Enforcement Coordinator Victoria Espinel, being a parent herself, took pity on eGrumps’ Mother and reviewed his web sites. Concluding that “there was no intellectual property on those web sites and it was eminently fit for America to read them.” Americans, and the rest of the civilized world (actually the rest of the world, civilized or not) could profit from reading his sites.Well, “profit” isn’t exactly the right word.
Ray Bradury, writer of Fahrenheit 451, when learning of the new thought police, might have said, “I told you so.” (If you never read the book, eGrumps suggested it was a good read. Very Prophetic. Read it, and be afraid, very afraid)
Who would ever have thought of this for America in the 21st Century – an Intellectual Property Enforcement Coordinator? Next, President Obama will probably say “It’s for your own good,” sort of like what Mom said when I complained about eating spinach.
Transparency in Finance and Germany’s Banning of Naked Short Selling (Exclusive Story to eGrumps – June 3, 2010)Thursday, June 3rd, 2010
Fictional Financial Headquarters Exclusive to eGrumps
June 3, 2010
Tensions are developing between USA Financial Markets and German Financial Markets:
America has demanded greater transparency in the financial markets.
German has banned naked short selling in certain issues.
In a prepared statement, the German Minister of Super High Finance stated: “How transparent can the Yanks want us to be. Perhaps they are suggesting Germany X-Ray the naked short sellers, which we have banned, but that hardly seems practical and, in any event will not stabilize the market, although it will increase the demand for German-made X-Ray machines.”
A spokesperson for the American Cabinet Department of Low Finance (A Division of Wall Street in Washington, Inc. doing business as “We Have Our Hands in the Public’s Pockets, Bless You Washington Politicians” ) has responded. ”We are truly encouraged by the generous spirit of cooperation the German Minister of Super High Finance has shown, and America is willing to rethink its position on this contentious subject. We have requested that the Germans send us the pictures of the short sellers, in bathing suits, so that we can decide on the appropriateness of their solution. The company names of the X-Ray machine makers in Germany would also be helpful. “
Sestak Job Offer – The I’ve Got a Bridge I Want to Sell You Award, for 2010 (so far) to President Obama, ex-President Clinton, and Rahm Emanual (from eGrumps) — May 30, 2010Sunday, May 30th, 2010
Washington, D. C. (May 29. 2010) Exclusive to eGrumps
The national “I-Got-A-Bridge I Want to Sell You” Award for 2010 (so far) has been awarded to President Obama, ex-President Bill Clinton, Rahm Emanual and the rest of the senior White House Staff (excluding chefs.) The Award goes, each year to those who put out the most gullible news story, which, asks the public to believe it is true. In effect, the award goes to those who say “if you believe this story, I have a bridge I want to sell you.”
In a news conference on Thursday, May 27, President Obama stated that the “offical” story would be released on May 28th as to the offer to Rep. Sestak to withdraw from the Democratic Senatorial Primary against Sen. Specter. The Official story is that Emanual contacted Clinton who contacted Sestak and offered him a job as an unpaid member of a Presidential Advisory Panel if he would not pursue his Senatorial dreams by running against good old Arlen S. Of course, Sestak, I think, was inelligible for the job since he already was on the federal payroll as a Representative, and the job didn’t pay any money anyhow, but that’s a small detail. In any event, it hardly seems credible that such would be offered to induce someone to withdraw from a Senate race.
No one thought to ask the President on May 27th what the unofficial story was, but again a small detail.
One can only speculate as to why it took the White House so long to respond with an official story, but that’s another small detail, but I digress.
eGrumps confesses he does not know the truth of the story, but frankly, it does not pass the smell test. Actually, in eGrumps humble official opinion, the White House official version is not credible. So – the award of the I Got a Bridge I Want to Sell You for 2010 (so far) goes to the above mentioned recipients on the very logical theory, that if you believe that story, I’ve got a bridge I want to sell you – cheap.
But, hard as it is to believe, eGrumps could be wrong.
Arizona – California Wall — Appointment of a Wall Czar by President Obama. (by eGrumps) — May 4, 2010Tuesday, May 4th, 2010
Sacramento, CA, (o5/04/2010) Exclusive to eGrumps
Expressing great concern over the law enacted by Arizona regarding illegal aliens (aka undocumented workers), a spokesperson for the Governor of the Great Insolvent State of California announced that California was erecting a fence between Arizona and California to prevent those targeted by the Arizona law from fleeing to California.
Stating that the federal government could not, or would not, act to prevent this anticipated invasion of California from those fleeing the tyranny of Arizona. “Let them go to Las Vegas,” the Governor’s spokesperson said. ”They have plenty of employment opportunities for those willing to roll the dice, so to speak, on the economic climate of Nevada.”
“Our facilities are severely taxed now. It has gotten so bad in the Emergency Rooms of our hospitals, and our schools, and our welfare departments, that our own illegal immigrants are being denied certain basic rights. There simply is no more room or money to finance the basic needs of our own California illegal immigrants, yet alone Arizona illegal immigrants. We are not going to take this any longer. If the federal government will not act, we will,” he stated.
“Our fence, between Arizona and California, will be a civic project of which all true Californians will be proud” he stated “We have hired the best fence-builders and fence decorators in the world.”
No word has come from Washington D. C., except for a brief announcement from the Dept. of Homeland Security that the Administration was appointing a Wall Czar so that all internal fences in the U.S. could be coordinated with common aesthetic features. Preliminary plans show that all guard towers will be concealed, but they will be acceptable to the Administration provided that at least 100 feet separate each guard tower. The new Wall Czar has stated: “We are proud of all Californians and their ability to face, and solve, an internal problem, in a civilized manner, without bloodshed – at least so far.”
Immigration Policy — a solution to America’s dilemma – Obama presses for new approach to solve one of the most vexing issues of our time.Monday, April 26th, 2010
Washington, D. C. (April 26, 2010) Special to eGrumps
The Administration has announced a new Immigration Policy which should solve, once and for all, the problem of illegal immigration -
By Executive Order, henceforth all illegal immigrants will be required to either be married, or get married within six months after they cross the Rio Grande, or wherever they are entering. All males must be accompanioed by their wives, or someone else’s wife – small detail – AND, here’s the important part. all females must give birth to a child within one year of their arrival, or their husband’s arrival, or their significant other’s arrival. The law is still being written, and Congress will know what they have passed within a reasonable time after passage.
These little heirs of the illegal’s, by virtue of being born in America, will under out Constitution and the foresight of the Founding Fathers (and Mothers) be American citizens. Now, so will their parents. Their families can remain united in a free country.The new law will provide two things to remove the stigma of illegal entry:
1: Since the children will be citizens, ALL parents of a child, who have entered the country illegally, (the parent, not the child) will automatically become American citizens upon paying a citizenship fee of $2.50 AND signing an irrevocable voter registration card for the Democratic party. An ability to read and write English will be helpful, but not an actual requirement since it would violate the American principles against racial profiling, and
2: All such children, and their parents will automatically be granted the right to vote, no matter what their age. Children, however, must be either over the age of five, or toilet trained, whichever comes first in order to vote. The Administration was unwilling to take a chance on dirty diapers in the polling booths of America. Since their may be an inability of such children to vote because they may be unable to physically fill out the ballot, any precinct worker will be empowered to actually fill out the ballot, depending on the wishes of the child. If the child cannot clearly express such wishes, the precinct worker can infer his wishes based upon the irrevocable voter registration card filled out by his parent (see #1 above).
“We have finally solved the illegal immigration problem, amnesty and citizenship for the immigrants.” the Administration spokesman said. “No more divisive fights. It is a win-win solution for America. Americans, fair minded citizens all, should rejoice in this simple solution which has evaded so many politicians for so long. The Country is secure once again, governed by the rule of law, which has made America such a great country, a haven for the poor of the world. George Washington would be proud.”
In an effort to protect American airliners, President Obama announced the formation of a dog corps, designed to sniff out trouble before it begins.
This is the story of the first graduate.
A man is seated in an airliner, which is about to take off when another man with a Labrador retriever occupies the empty seats next to him.
The lab is situated in the middle, and the man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains they work for the airline.
The airline rep said,”Don’t mind Sniffer; he is the best sniffing dog there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,”Watch this”. He tells the dog, “Sniffer search”.
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
handlers arm. He says “Good boy.”
The airline rep turns to the first man and says, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making note of this and her seat
number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.”
“Fantastic!” replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffs
about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds and returns to its seat,and places two paws on the handlers arm. The airline rep says,
“That man is carrying cocaine, so again I’m making note of this and his seat number.”
“I like it!” says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while he sits down
next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well trained sniffing dog and asks,”Whats going on?”
The handler nervously replies,”He just found a bomb!”
To: Robert M. Groves, Director U. S. Census
Dear Mr. Groves:
I have previously posted about your (our)(America’s) problem with the census you are taking. (See my posts of March 18 and March 22) I wrote about the enclosure letter I received with the census form and the separate letter that your Department subsequently sent. BOTH of them said, in effect – fill out the census form and mail it in right away. The problem was that the form asked for information as of April 1, 2010, and your department wanted it mailed in prior to that date. By common logic, common sense and basic intelligence, that information could not be provided accurately.
In case you can’t figure it out – let me state it again. I can not give you a report in March, 2010, telling you who is living in my house on April 1, 2010. I can’t tell you his or her sex, race or anything else about him or her, in advance – so stop bugging me.
Now – I have received a post card bearing your signature, you probably didn’t sign it personally, stating “It is important that you respond…If you have not responded please provide your information…” I simply cannot do that, so stop wasting the government’s time and money asking me to do the impossible.
Somehow, Mr. Groves your conduct reminds me of Congress where they keep passing bills they haven’t read and don’t really understand the consequences. Your conduct casts a pall over the whole census procedure and should, I submit, invalidate the census. I don’t believe you have the guts to admit that you are invalidating the census procedure, but it should be retaken because you are telling everyone to do what can’t be truthfully done. You want the American public to lie, plain and simple.
You are making a mockery of U. S. Government statistics, but what else is new?
Tanning Salon Tax (Discrimination(?)) – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) – March 24, 2010Thursday, March 25th, 2010
Washington, D. C. (March 24, 2010) from eGrumps
Obamacare provides for a new 10% “tax” to be levied upon the gross receipts of tanning salons – presumably the customers would be charged an extra 10% on the cost of their “treatments.” What has not been mentioned is the racial overtones of this tax. It is undisputed that the primary customers of these salons are Caucasians, so while Blacks, or non Caucasians do use the salons, they are in a distinct minority. The Whites would be disproportionately subject to the “revenue enhancing measure” – a non-tax for those earnings less than $250,000 per year. Whoever said “Revenue enhancing measures are color blind” never heard of this “tax” on tanning salons. Frankly, this is subtle discrimination in its most insidious and obnoxious form. I submit it is a form of reverse affirmative action. (or, more properly, disaffirmative action)
More discouraging is the plan to hire 150,000 (+/-) IRS Agents to police these businesses. It is necessary to read between the lines of this measure to realize that the extra money that will be raised will be used to hire FBI Agents to oversee the IRS Agents. Any funds left over (Hah – when it comes to government “tax revenues”) will be used to hire CIA Agents to oversee the FBI Agents who are overseeing the IRS agents. Interpol also wants some money to oversee the CIA Agents who are overseeing the FBI Agents who are overseeing the IRS Agents. Is America not a free enterprise democracy, or what? This is the “Stimulus Package” at its finest – job creation!
The new slogan “Tax their hides, black, white and those in-between. The government needs the money” The Agents have been instructed to be sure and read the customers their Miranda rights, at least the IRS Agents that can read, have been so instructed.
A quick review of the Constitution shows nothing about tanning salons, so presumably it is a legal exercise of the inherent “taxing” powers vested in the Federal Government, the States Governments, the County Governments and the City Governments, not to mention Special Appraisal Districts and those other governmental entities that have “taxing” authority and that desire to squeeze extra money out of their law abiding citizens.
California’s Official Seal to Be Changed – Great Insolvent State of California (“GISOC”) (from eGrumps)Monday, March 8th, 2010
Sacramento, CA, March 8, 2010 Exclusive to eGrumps
After Governor Arnold (also known as “The Terminator”) announced that California was broke (also known as “insolvent”), he set forth his plan to bring public awareness of the fiscal plight (also known as “blight”) of the great State of California. A spokesperson announced that henceforth “California would be known as the Great Insolvent State of California (also known as GISOC) and all references to California in schools, buildings, news stories and speeches would be changed to “GISOC.” Bids were actively being solicited from licensed contractors to make the necessary cosmetic changes on the buildings.
In addition, the Official Seal of California was being redesigned to show only San Francisco harbor with a sinking ship being featured. On the bow of the ship, and the transom, the letters “GISOC” would be prominently featured. “It is a graphic way to show our plight” the Spokesperson announced.
The Governor, Members of the Senate and Assembly, who were largely responsible for the insolvency of California, are pictured on the shore with the words “Help, Save our State, PLEASE, we couldn’t do it” featured in bold letters.
When the man-on-the-street was polled about this change, the most common answer was “Are they out of their friggin’ minds?” It would appear that the typical man-on-the-street is smarter than GISOC’s elected officials.
Washington, DC (February 28, 2010)
eGrumps has the complete and final solution to the problem of universal health care. Frankly, I’m surprised the Administration has not put forward this plan:
1. Anyone who doesn’t purchase the mandated health care insurance, will be guilty of a felony, and will be sent to jail – no right of appeal. (Those felons must be kept off of the street so they don’t infect the rest of the law abiding citizens of America with dangerous ideas.)
2. In jail they will receive free medical treatment.
3. Problem solved!
Democrats, Republicans, Independents – are you listening?
The question of buying the insurance or going to jail will be known as the “eGrumps option.”
Washington, D. C. February 3, 2010 (Leaked to eGrumps by anonymous sources in the White House.)
The Chinese government has suggested it would not be in America’s best interests to meet with the Dalai Lama because, among other things, it would damage “trust and cooperation” between the two countries.
Regardless of the implied threat, the Administration, in an effort to quiet the rising tide of discontent between Las Vegas and the Administration, decided to schedule a meeting with the Dalai Lama in Las Vegas and to invite representatives from the Chinese government to attend. The Administration felt that (1)Chinese officialdom could not turn down a junket to Las Vegas (2)Las Vegas would welcome the visitors brought there by the conference, and (3)the hard feelings between Las Vegas and the President would be settled.
“It’s a trifecta” one Administration official told the enthusiastic Washington press corps. It is truly a win-win-win situation for the world. (The fact that the press would get to accompany the President to Las Vegas had nothing to do with their enthusiasm)
The Administration suggested that the Chinese bring the United States Bonds they owned on the trip and use them for “currency” at the gambling tables. America could back the casinos, and when the Chinese lost their bets, as they surely would, America could buy the Bonds back from the casinos at a very reasonable discount. America would even pay for the plane fare for the Chinese to come to Vegas, and would allow them to use Nancy Pelosi’s airplane for the trip. The Administration felt Ms. P. would cooperate as long as they comped her, and her 43 person staff, for room and meals in Vegas.
“The whole thing is coming together” the Spokesperson said “how brilliant can our President be with this approach to world diplomacy.” When asked what would happen if the Chinese won at the tables, the spokesman was heard to say: “Never happen! Trust us on that.”
Los Angeles Times Business News Headlines: Dow Falling, Jay and Conan Switching Air Times and Exec’s Affair. — January 24, 2010Sunday, January 24th, 2010
The Los Angeles Times Business News (January 23, 2010) spotlighted Two (2) major headlines in its Business Section;
1. “Dow posts triple-digit loss again”
2. Conan makes way for Jay.”
The third major headline (not on the top of the page, however) was “Signs Point to Exec’s Affair.”
eGrumps says; “That says it all as to why the newspapers are declining : A headline about two TV comics, an executive having an affair (what’s new about that?) and a major decline in the Dow average. No wonder the Times circulation is falling through the floor – people who want to read about Dow financial info are not going to buy the LA Times, people who are interested in Conan and Jay (assuming some of you know who they are and their importance in then grand business scheme of things) aren’t going to buy the LA Times, and people who are interested in an executive’s amorous affairs aren’t going to buy the LA Times.”
I assume there is no correlation between the Dow falling, Jay and Conan switching air times, and the exec’s affair. If there is, I take it all back and the LA Times gets the eGrumps Business Award of the Year for unearthing a story on which no other media outlet has commented. If there is a correlation, then I suggest Jay and Conan should switch back, the exec should continue his affair — and all of us should go long the Dow. (But as the SEC warning goes, past performance is no guarantee of future performance)
Washington, D. C. (Exclusive to Grumps (January 20, 2010)
Four major computer makers, who asked that their names not be divulged since their products were still under development, held a press conference in Washington D. C. announcing the development of a super mini computer for post-death use. The new machines had been designed to fit into a coffin so that the deceased individuals, who spent most of their lives on a computer, could continue spending eternity on the computers.
Software had been designed so that the computers could be connected to the Internet forever. An email program would allow the deceased to connect with other Internet users who were also dead. As far as battery life was concerned, an eternal power supply was a standard feature of the new machines. No web sites would be blocked, although some concern was expressed about the effect of a dead person going to a porn site, but since the developers would all be dead some day, and they all visited porn sites on a regular basis, they saw no harm in leaving those sites accessible.
Unlike their dead owners, these machines will be decay proof.
Facebook and Twitter will be available, although pictures of the dead, for obvious reasons, could not be uploaded. It was suggested that those types of sites should be accessed pre-death, to post pictures of the computer owners, not post-death. It was planned to give an educational pamphlet to each purchaser. They had already been printed in over 59 languages.
To prove the feasibility of these new computers, volunteers were asked to sign up, make out their Wills, leave instructions as to the placement of the computers, and then commit suicide.
Unfortunately, the companies had been unable to design a machine that could be used post-death by those who had been cremated. “We’re working on it,” one of the developers stated, “but the technical problems are immense.”
To say that everyone at the press conference was stunned would be an understatement.
The classification of these new computers:
Washington, D. C. (January 8, 2010)
(Special to eGrumps) The Department of Homeland Security after an exhaustive review of the “security measures” in place to protect our country is instituting a novel approach to provide greater security for Americans. Legal Aliens, and Illegal Aliens residing in the United States. Citing the difficulty in not providing security for those here illegally, without violating their rights, the Department concluded that the same protection would be afforded for all. “It’s the American way,” a spokesperson said. “besides, the President has been told that some of the ‘undocumented workers’ even pay taxes (once they are caught and about to be deported). What’s fair is fair.”
The new “see-through” scanners would not have caught the Underwear Bomber, despite their enormous cost. “We are purchasing them anyhow,” the spokesperson said ”because some of the terrorists might not be smart enough to realize they don’t really work too well and many of them cannot read the spec sheets put out by the manufacturers. It’s a calculated risk, and it might work, but in any event is well worth the millions of dollars the machines cost. If they don’t prove effective, we can always resell them to the legal brothels in Los Vegas in order to provide them a quick way to screen their customers and determine which male customer should be paired up (almost said “fitted”) with which female employee. We could even make a profit on the resale.”
Having said that, the spokesman then disclosed the new machine that will be purchased. After reading the news stories about the “Fort Hood Bomber,” and the “Underwear Bomber” the investigators all concluded that there was a “failure to connect the dots.” Even President Obama, he of the open and transparent government, stated that there was a “failure to connect the dots.”
“Our new machine,” the spokesperson said is a “Connect The Dots Machine. If it had been in place, the Fort Hood shooter would have been caught in a preemptive strike and the Underwear Bomber wouldn’t even have been allowed to board the airplane. It’s what we have been missing – a ‘Connect the Dots Machine.’ It’s virtually foolproof when correctly programmed.”
When asked about details of the machine and how it worked the spokesperson merely grinned and said release of the details are on a need to know basis, and if the ‘terrorists,” enemy combatants’ and ‘bad’ guys knew of the technology involved, they could take steps to circumvent the high-tech circuitry that these machines employ.” ”As soon as the Administration feels it is safe to release the details” the spokesperson stated that “The President would go on C-Span so that America would know all about these machines. and how they work. even President Obama has stated ‘Trust me on this, would I ever promise to go on C-Span and not do it, and this time I don’t have my fingers crossed.”
Would you read a book that had the following review?
“Money Shot is a stunner, careening along with a wild, propulsive energy and a deliciously incendiary spirit. Laced with bravado and loaded up with knockout charm, Christa Faust’s Money Shot debut is the literary equivalent of a gasoline cocktail.”
Actually, the grammar isn’t quite right. “Christa Faust’s Money Shot debut…” leaves something to be desired in the grammar department. It would seem to imply that there will be a Christa Faust’s Money Shot Two, which there isn’t. Probably should have said Christa Faust’s debut novel, Money Shot…..” but what the heck, the reviewer is a professional writer, not me — yet.
“deliciously incendiary spirit?” I like that. It’s better than a sour tasting incendiary spirit. But then, if it is truly incendiary, who cares whether it is delicious or not. Maybe the reference to a gasoline cocktail came from “deliciously incendiary.” – you think?
The Book — Money Shot by Christa Faust.
If you’re interested, I suggest you buy it right away, because it is careening along with a wild propulsive energy, and you might want to get it before it stops careening having run out of wild, propulsive energy.
When the police investigated Tiger Woods accident, he should have told them the complete truth.
“Officer I was merely driving out of my driveway when this fire-plug moved directly in front of my car and ran right into the front of my car. It must have been drinking to behave so erratically. It was not my fault.”
“Look, it was not like Chappaquiddick with Ted Kennedy driving the car. There was no girl asleep in the back seat like there was when he ran his car into the water and the girl drowned. That was a real tragedy. Actually, this crazy lady was chasing me with a golf club. Maybe she scared the fire-plug.It wasn’t until some time later that I learned it was my wife chasing me with the eight-iron to tell me I had forgotten to put it in my golf bag. “
“Officer, tell me, do you think this will hurt my golf career and my product endorsements? Please be honest with me. Look what Chappaquiddick did with Ted Kennedy’s image and his desire to become President. People do exaggerate these little incidents.”
“I wonder if the company that makes Viagra needs a celebrity to endorse their product?”
Washington, D.C. (December 1, 2009) (Satirical Comment by eGrumps)
Seeking to follow the lead of that great leader of the English people during World War II, President Obama borrowed from the words of Winston Churchill to rally the American people behind his policy in Afghanistan.
“We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Afghanistan,
We shall fight on the seas and oceans.
We shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength.
We shall fight on the beaches.
We shall fight on the landing grounds.
We shall fight in the fields and in the streets.
We shall fight in the hills.
We shall never surrender.
For not less than eighteen months until we withdraw from Afghanistan.
I hope that doesn’t screw up my Nobel Peace Prize.”
All right, President Obama didn’t use those exact words . The White House knows there are no seas or oceans anywhere close to Afghanistan. Their research staff found out that there can be no beaches without seas or oceans, so that also was not included.