Archive for the ‘Sayings’ Category
Tuesday, April 13th, 2010
In an effort to protect American airliners, President Obama announced the formation of a dog corps, designed to sniff out trouble before it begins.
This is the story of the first graduate.
A man is seated in an airliner, which is about to take off when another man with a Labrador retriever occupies the empty seats next to him.
The lab is situated in the middle, and the man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains they work for the airline.
The airline rep said,”Don’t mind Sniffer; he is the best sniffing dog there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,”Watch this”. He tells the dog, “Sniffer search”.
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
handlers arm. He says “Good boy.”
The airline rep turns to the first man and says, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making note of this and her seat
number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.”
“Fantastic!” replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffs
about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds and returns to its seat,and places two paws on the handlers arm. The airline rep says,
“That man is carrying cocaine, so again I’m making note of this and his seat number.”
“I like it!” says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while he sits down
next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well trained sniffing dog and asks,”Whats going on?”
The handler nervously replies,”He just found a bomb!”
Thursday, January 7th, 2010
Would you read a book that had the following review?
“Money Shot is a stunner, careening along with a wild, propulsive energy and a deliciously incendiary spirit. Laced with bravado and loaded up with knockout charm, Christa Faust’s Money Shot debut is the literary equivalent of a gasoline cocktail.”
Actually, the grammar isn’t quite right. “Christa Faust’s Money Shot debut…” leaves something to be desired in the grammar department. It would seem to imply that there will be a Christa Faust’s Money Shot Two, which there isn’t. Probably should have said Christa Faust’s debut novel, Money Shot…..” but what the heck, the reviewer is a professional writer, not me — yet.
“deliciously incendiary spirit?” I like that. It’s better than a sour tasting incendiary spirit. But then, if it is truly incendiary, who cares whether it is delicious or not. Maybe the reference to a gasoline cocktail came from “deliciously incendiary.” – you think?
The Book — Money Shot by Christa Faust.
If you’re interested, I suggest you buy it right away, because it is careening along with a wild propulsive energy, and you might want to get it before it stops careening having run out of wild, propulsive energy.
Thursday, November 26th, 2009
eGrumps, the owner of the other subprime web site, http://pithycomments.com, has generously not objected to our posting the following which we stole from him, which he, of course, stole from others.
It’s Thanksgiving – hooray!! By special dispensation from eGrumps, all diets are automatically suspended until Friday, November 27, 2009. I knew you were waiting for that before you pig out today.
Many of you who drop in to this web site are from countries other than America. I hope you’ll join us in celebrating this holiday. Like my wife said about our marriage, no matter how bad things are, they can always get worse. (That’s hard to believe, at least about our marriage. ).
eGrumps wife is a great cook. Using a new recipe his wife put the turkey in aluminum foil. She had to roast it till it was brown. Twenty hours later the aluminum foil was still silver.
An optimist is a person who starts a diet on Thanksgiving day.
Thanksgiving is America’s chow-down feast, the one occasion in the year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.
The first turkeys were not wild. They just went crazy when they found out what we intended to do with them.
Last Thanksgiving eGrumps wife cooked a turkey in the microwave oven. We had to eat at seven-thirty in the morning.
Thanksgiving is a day when the turkey gets stuffed in the morning, and the family gets stuffed in the afternoon.
The Puritans celebrated Thanksgiving day to commemorate being saved from the Indians. We continue to celebrate it to commemorate being saved from the Puritans.
After Thanksgiving dinner, the man who has trouble making ends meet ought to get himself a longer belt.
Thanksgiving is a day off that is usually followed by an off day.
Thursday, October 22nd, 2009
Even eGrumps’ Mother (age 92) is getting caught up in the digital age. She told him: “You don’t write. You don’t call. You don’t FAX. You don’t email. You don’t text. If it weren’t for www.egrumps.com and www.pithycomment.com I’d never hear from you”
Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
eGrumps favorite (often ignored by eGrumps): When all else fails, read the instructions.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Every solution breeds new problems.
After all is said and done, a hell-of-a lot more is said than done.
If mathematically you end up with a wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
If it is not in the computer, it doesn’t exist.
“MURPHY WAS AN IDIOT” — (Mrs. Murphy)
Thursday, August 6th, 2009
1. I will try to figure out why I need 8 e-mail addresses
2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife.
3. I resolve to back up my 1GB hard drive daily, …well, once a week….well, once a month.
4. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet.
5. I will think of a password other than “password.”
6. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 A.M.
7. I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
Sunday, August 2nd, 2009
The following are preserved in the Annals of Famous Last Words:
1. What does this button do?
2. I’m making a citizen’s arrest.
3. Are you sure the power is off?
4. He’s probably just hibernating
5. The odds of that happening have to be a million to one.
6. Pull the pin and count to what?
Thursday, May 28th, 2009
Before making his nomination, President BHO read Hamlet’s Soliloquy:
“To empathize, or not to empathize, is that the criteria I use?
Whether ’tis nobler in the view of the populace to have a judge that empathizes
Or take arms against a sea of voters.
And by opposing end the problem no matter what the voters say?
To die politically, to sleep
No more, and by a sleep to say I end the problem.
The heart-aches and the thousand natural shocks
That I am heir to, ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished – to die politically, to sleep
To sleep; perchance to dream,; ay,
there’s the rub.
There is no truth to the rumor that he made his selection after having a nightmare.
Monday, May 11th, 2009
This year, please send clothes to all those
poor ladies on Daddy’s Computer.
I promise to be good next year!
Monday, May 4th, 2009
Murphy’s Laws of Technology:
1. Logic is a systematic way of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
2. The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
3. The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
Saturday, May 2nd, 2009
After considerable debate among his 3 friends, and a very close vote, 3 to 1 with eGrumps being in the minority, he proudly announced that his suggestion for an official slogan, despite not being approved by the three friends, would be adopted. His 3 friends resigned, all leaving the conference room, saying, in effect, eGrumps, we are no longer your friend. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. eGrumps replied, “That’s okay, just email me.”
The official slogan:
Candy is dandy
But sex doesn’t rot the teeth.
Wednesday, April 29th, 2009
(Washington, D.C., April 29, 2009) (Exclusive to eGrumps)
After proudly proclaiming his accomplishments during the first 100 days, President Obama quoted that late great comedian, Al Jolsen “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”
Later. at his weekly grand meeting of csars, one of the csars, thinking his microphone was shut off, was overheard to say, “If the American people are happy with the first 100 days, wait until we reach the full period of gestation, 9 months. Then they might realize how badly they have been screwed.”
There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that he is now an out-of-work csar. Not yet anyhow. It would be bad for the Administration’s image.
Sunday, April 26th, 2009
I went out with a pair of twins last night.
Really, did you have a good time?
Yes and no.
Sunday, April 19th, 2009
1. An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
2. Education has produced a vast population able to read, but unable
to distinguish what is worth reading. (G.M.Trevelyan).
3. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. (S. Landesberg)
4. Artifical intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. Always remember – you are unique, just like everyone else.
6. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.
7. eGrumps is mentally unbalanced (eGrumps)
Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
Congressional Hearing, 2003
“Rep. Frank: I do think I do not want the same kind of focus on safety and soundness that we have in OCC [Office of the Comptroller of the Currency] and OTS [Office of Thrift Supervision]. I want to roll the dice a little bit more in this situation towards subsidized housing.
Rep. Frank: I believe there has been more alarm raised about potential unsafety and unsoundness than, in fact, exists.
That is the same Barney Frank who is now trying to “fix” the banking system. Last time he rolled the dice, he crapped out.
Friday, April 10th, 2009
President Obama, after holding the first Passover Seder in the White House, for those of the Jewish faith who are on his staff, has learned of the action of the Somali Pirates in holding an American citizen hostage. Having read historical sayings of prior sages of the Jewish community, in other situations, felt it appropriate to issue the following comment: “Let my people go!”
Sunday, April 5th, 2009
Great Invention: For people who like peace and quiet, a phoneless cord.
Great fortune cookie message: Ignore previous cookie.
Mae West Quote: He who hesitates is lost.
Sex is the most fun you can have without smiling.
I’m in a phone booth at the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk.