March 18, 2010:

Dear Census Director:

I trust this comment will find you in good health – both good physical health and mental health.  Frankly, you have created quite a problem for me, and many others, and I don’t how how to handle it without being in violation of your instructions concerning the 2010 Census.  I trust my inquiry will not interfere with your mental health, but I feel compelled to ask a question.  It is based upon the following:

On March 16th I received a letter from you stating, in part (in bold type yet)  “Please complete and mail back the enclosed census form today. ” Clear enough, I opened the census form, and what do I find – Question 1: “How many additional people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2010.” This is creating quite a problem for me – How can I mail back the form on March 20th (as you have instructed) which says how many people are living in my house on April 1.?

I am sure there are others with similar problems, so what do I do?

Please advise.

Thank you, in advance, for your courtesy.

eGrumps

P.S. – Is it true that you are being considered for the chief operating officer for Obamacare? You seem to be well-qualified.

P.P.S. – I am concerned that all the census data will be invalid and that you will have to retake the census, or else it will be illegal. Since, as you have accurately pointed out, this is a serious document and many consequences will follow, i.e. number of congressional seats, and your figures will be based on obviously false data.  What do your legal advisors say?

(Sacramento,CA, June 2,2009)(Exclusive to eGrumps)

In order to help solve the severe water shortage in the State of California, the Governor announced the formation of a new Shower Pool Department (“SPD”). The SPD would function like the existing car pool department. Each person who would like to take a shower with one or more other persons will register with the SPD, giving certain preferences for shower pooling, and the SPD will attempt to match up shower poolers. There will be no charge for the service.

The reduction in water usage, by having two or more people shower together, will be substantial and will once again establish California in the forefront of clean environmental standards.

A preliminary draft of the questionnaire is as follows:

1. Name and Address:_______________________________________
2. Are you over the age of 18?:________________________________
3. Are you a man or a woman?:______ Would you like to shower with more than one person?:___________If so, how many?:_________________________
4. How about pet animals. Do you want to wash them in the shower at the same time?:
 If so, please give the breed of the animal, whether it has been neutered, and its
 weight and height.______________________________________________
5. What time of the day works for you?:___________________________________
6.  Do you prefer showering with men, or women, or both (or don’t you
 give a damn?:______________________________________________________
7. Do you like your shower water hot, medium or cold?:______________________
8. What type of soap do you prefer.______________________________________
9. Do you want to shave or shampoo in the shower, if so – which?:______________
 Would you mind if your shower mate shaves or shampoos in the shower?____________
10. Do you have any kinky preferences that you will be looking for in your shower mate? If    so, what are they?:______
11. Do you expect your shower partner to wash your back?____Would you mind washing the back
of your shower partner?:_______

Kindly submit a picture, naked or fully clothed – your choice. Except for sending the picture to other potential shower partners, or posting it on the web so others may see you, your picture
will be held in a confidential manner.

The Governor stated that he thought this was a real breakthrough in the green revolution. As we have saved gasoline by our car pool system, so we will save water in our shower pool system. Please sign up with the SPD at your earliest convenience so we can get this off and running.

In response to my previous post concerning outrageous pay to actors, actresses and sports figures who do not deliver that for which they have been paid (up front – I might add), I have received several threatening letters. Out of concern for their safety from my outraged readers, I will not disclose the names of the responding organizations. The thrust of their comments to me were 1) they are not overpaid, America loves them, and performance is secondary. 2) their past contributions to the mental health of Americans fully justifies their more than reasonable salaries, and 3) mind your own frigging business – or else. Curiously, all of the letters mentioned the same representative who would “visit” me if I continued to pursue this issue. It seems his nickname is “The Fireplug.” I took that to refer to his physical stature, not the fact that dogs have been peeing on his legs.

One of the organizations offered to bribe me, I think, by offering me a free mouse pad containing an autographed picture of President Obama if I found other things to write about. It was a temptation, believe me, to take the signed Obama mouse pad and go on to other things, but I have my standards, low as they may be.  I decided to refer the entire matter to the Department of Justice attorneys who prosecuted Senator Stevens of Alaska. They proved to me, and the whole world, that they know how to win a case – probably resulting in the  defeat of an incumbent Senator’s bid for reelection. That kind of experience is very difficult to find. The fact that they are being investigated for misconduct only proves to me that they are my kind of lawyers – win at any cost. If they can’t defend eGrumps, no one can. I hope we can agree on a retainer, like about $10.00. I need high-priced attorneys. Besides, I wondered if President Obama had really signed the mouse pad.

Honk if you’re paying my mortgage.

Los Angeles, CA (special to eGrumps) eGrumps has learned that Octomom has been seeking a husband. Having 14 children, the pool of men willing to marry Octomom is seriously depleted, but as she is supposed to have said, “There’s no harm in trying.” Her ad on the Internet dating service (name withheld by request) reads as follows:

  “Wanted, mature man for a serious relationship leading to marriage.
  Must love children. An appreciation for the finer things in life would
  be helpful, but not absolutely necessary. Should be financially secure, 
  but not absolutely necessary. Well groomed and handsome would be a
  big plus, but not absolutely necessary. Should be photogenic and free of
  scandal, but not absolutely necessary.  The candidate must be single,
  but not absolutely necessary (if divorce proceedings are pending.) I 
  can offer a loving family of 14 children looking for a devoted father. (Did I 
  mention a love of sports would be helpful in dealing with the kids, but 
  not absolutely necessary.) The candidate must have had a vasectomy -  that    is   necessary. Must present doctor’s certificate.   Please send resume to Box XXXXX, Los Angeles, CA or call me    at 310  - XXX-XXXX and leave detailed message on answering machine. 

 The kids and I  look forward to hearing from you. 
  Actually, forget the job description. If you’re alive and walking
  that’s enough.”

The Octomom has not talked about the number of Applications she has received, but eGrumps believes the number is substantial.

(Washington, D.C. – Exclusive to eGrumps) The Obama administration announced plans to nationalize the nation’s sperm banks. Fearing a catastrophic meltdown to the entire system, with consequent dire results to America, they felt they had no alternative to taking this step. “The actions of the Octomom, in using sperm banks to cause her to be impregnated in such a manner, resulting in eight children, shows how rapidly it is spinning out of control,” a spokesman for the administration stated. “Suppose every American wanted to use the system this way, it is apparent that the Sperm Bank system would collapse. We cannot allow this to happen,” he stated. “We must act now while the threat is not imminent, because once it becomes imminent, it is too late.”
He went on to say that while there has been no reduction in deposits, the alarming rate of withdrawals is considered quite serious. When questioned further, he stated “If the government cannot screw you directly, we are not going to let you do it to yourself. That’s the American way!”

‘Veni, Vedi, Velcro’ – I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Bacon and Eggs – Hens are involved, but pigs are committed.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Failure is not an option. It is bundled with your software.

Half the people in the world are below average.

The remains of a U. S. citizen (name withheld) were found in a vacant lot in Tijuana. Apparently the man had been decapitated, dismembered and mutilated (hard to imagine what mutilation beyond beheading and dismemberment could have occured).  The authorities suspected suicide.

Official Notice from Washington:

Due to recent state and city budget cuts, the cost of electricity, still high gas and oil prices for the consumer, as well as current job market conditions and the continued decline of the U.S. economy with lack of immediate impact for Federal Stimulus plans and ill targeted Treasury financial firm bailouts

The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

Sincerely,
The Management

There are three kinds of people in the world.
Those who make things happen.
Those who watch things happen, and
Those who just wonder what the hell happened.

Originality is the art of concealing one’s source.

Serving coffee on an airplane causes turbulence.

God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

No real problem has a solution.

The effort expended by a bureaucracy in defending any error
is in direct proportion to the size of the error.

If you laid all the economists in the world end to end
they still wouldn’t reach a conclusion

The Most Nerve of the Year Award (so far):

To the authors of the following: “Pointing a finger is hardly a useful gesture when the economic crisis facing out nation is so grave and the suffering of our people so great. We should instead come together to solve the problems before us, no matter who or what caused them.”

The winners of the Award, the authors of the quotation, Sen. Christopher J. Dodd (Dem – Conn) and Rep. Barney Frank, (D-Mass) That’s how they signed their names  on the letter to USA Today published on 1/9/09.

Christopher Dodd received below interest mortgages from Countrywide Financial. He promised to release his loan application, and other loan documents, about 6 months ago. (Don’t hold your breath on that one). Barney Frank, in a Congressional committe hearing stated that he thought Fannie and Freddie were OK and that he was willing to roll the dice with them. Other comments too numerous to mention were made by the good Mr. Frank, but the “rolling the dice” seems the most appropriate one.

Those two individuals want us to come together with them to solve the crisis they helped to create.  Their comment about pointing a finger being hardly a useful gesture is probably true, but it sure would make me feel good to point the middle finger at them, but I don’t think that was the finger they had in mind.

People that are senile have no fear about getting senile.

It’s always either too early or too late.

• The most useless computer tasks are the most fun to do.

• When puting it into memory, remember where you put it.

• Computers are useless. All they give you are answers.

• Typos are not noticed until after the “send” button has been hit.

• The better the customer service, the sooner you get to speak to someone who can’t help you.

• To err is human, but to really foul things up, you need a computer.

• Programming is like sex, one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime.

Hello, World!!!!!.