March 18, 2010: Dear Census Director: I trust this comment will find you in good health – both good physical health and mental health.  Frankly, you have created quite a problem for me, and many others, and I don’t how how to handle it without being in violation of your instructions concerning the 2010 Census. [...]

(Sacramento,CA, June 2,2009)(Exclusive to eGrumps) In order to help solve the severe water shortage in the State of California, the Governor announced the formation of a new Shower Pool Department (“SPD”). The SPD would function like the existing car pool department. Each person who would like to take a shower with one or more other [...]

In response to my previous post concerning outrageous pay to actors, actresses and sports figures who do not deliver that for which they have been paid (up front – I might add), I have received several threatening letters. Out of concern for their safety from my outraged readers, I will not disclose the names of [...]

Honk if you’re paying my mortgage.

Los Angeles, CA (special to eGrumps) eGrumps has learned that Octomom has been seeking a husband. Having 14 children, the pool of men willing to marry Octomom is seriously depleted, but as she is supposed to have said, “There’s no harm in trying.” Her ad on the Internet dating service (name withheld by request) reads [...]

(Washington, D.C. – Exclusive to eGrumps) The Obama administration announced plans to nationalize the nation’s sperm banks. Fearing a catastrophic meltdown to the entire system, with consequent dire results to America, they felt they had no alternative to taking this step. “The actions of the Octomom, in using sperm banks to cause her to be [...]

‘Veni, Vedi, Velcro’ – I came, I saw, I stuck around. Bacon and Eggs – Hens are involved, but pigs are committed. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Failure is not an option. It is bundled with your software. Half the people in the world are below average.

The remains of a U. S. citizen (name withheld) were found in a vacant lot in Tijuana. Apparently the man had been decapitated, dismembered and mutilated (hard to imagine what mutilation beyond beheading and dismemberment could have occured).  The authorities suspected suicide.

Official Notice from Washington: Due to recent state and city budget cuts, the cost of electricity, still high gas and oil prices for the consumer, as well as current job market conditions and the continued decline of the U.S. economy with lack of immediate impact for Federal Stimulus plans and ill targeted Treasury financial firm [...]

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who make things happen. Those who watch things happen, and Those who just wonder what the hell happened. Originality is the art of concealing one’s source. Serving coffee on an airplane causes turbulence. God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability. No real problem has [...]

The Most Nerve of the Year Award (so far): To the authors of the following: “Pointing a finger is hardly a useful gesture when the economic crisis facing out nation is so grave and the suffering of our people so great. We should instead come together to solve the problems before us, no matter who [...]

People that are senile have no fear about getting senile. It’s always either too early or too late.

The most useless computer tasks are the most fun to do. When puting it into memory, remember where you put it. Computers are useless. All they give you are answers. Typos are not noticed until after the “send” button has been hit. The better the customer service, the sooner you get to speak to someone [...]

Hello, World!!!!!.