Archive for the ‘Wit’ Category
Sunday, February 3rd, 2013
Washington D. C. (Special News Report to eGrumps.
(February 1, 2013)
The Department of Defense officially announced today that they have authorized the use of women in front-line combat units. Comparing these brave women to the Amazons of yesterday, the Department felt very comfortable with using women as combat troops saying that history had proved there is a vital role for American women in combat units.
In addition the department proudly announced that this increase in combat strength would more than offset the sale to Egypt of 20 F-16 combat aircraft and 200 front-line tanks and that our troops, men and women, would be more than ready to protect America and our values while still maintaining all of the built-up good will America has received by transferring these weapons to Egypt. The government of Egypt gave their word that the airplanes and tanks would only be used for defensive purposes.
This is a win-win situation for everyone, the Secretary of Defense said – for civil rights and equality between the sexes in the military, for international good will between Egypt and the United States, for helping bring peace to the Middle East, and for the protection of America and its allies. It is absolutely a no lose situation for America. We have protected our military integrity and combat readiness by offsetting a transfer of a few pieces of military hardware by increasing the effectiveness of our Army.
Friday, August 26th, 2011
The following is well worth reading – eGrumps, the writer – details his recent vacation following the example of our President.
As you might have gathered in reading the newspapers or listening to the TV, or following the many blogs where the news seems slightly more reliable, depending, of course, on which blog you read. that the country is going to hell, rather quickly unfortunately.
Well, I have decided to do something about it:
I am going to take a vacation on Catalina’s Vineyard Island. (Formerly known as Catalina Island – off the coast of So. California)
I will not be out of touch with developments because I am taking my whole staff with me. I have a beautiful room lined up in a one-star motel overlooking the Miniature Golf course. Not to worry, however, I am taking my iPhone, iPad and laptop computer with me while I am on the links. My caddy has been vetted by the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, BAFT and DHS (and Mrs. eGrumps) so that shouldn’t be a problem. When they found out he was not here legally, but had not committed a serious crime while here, he passed with flying colors. They even gave him a temporary green card and made him promise to marry a citizen so he could qualify for immediate citizenship and voting rights.
The vetting process took about 15 minutes since everyone was having coffee at Starbucks, but once they realized the importance of the task they were asked to do, they finished their first cup, refused seconds and went to work. Mrs. eGrumps and I are very pleased with the efficiency that they acted to make sure I was safe on the links and that the top secret information I was receiving through Facebook would remain secure.
While there I intend to review the action taken by the Department of Homeland Security, taken in Washington, where 300,000 +/- people who were slated for deportation would not be slated for deportation. Except, for hardened criminals, the rest could stay. As “he” said, we don’t want to deport college kids and maids. No mention was made of maids who had committed serious crimes. Well, I think that might be a good policy if Congress had passed such a law, but, of course, they hadn’t. So — small detail. Me, I would expand those entitled to stay to include gardeners, busboys, parking lot attendants and lettuce and tomato pickers. If maids can stay, why not the rest. No sense in making them go to college – or was that the DREAM act which also did not pass Congress. I intend to review this whole situation at the 19th hole, if I’m not too tired.
I also intend to review the actions of the Environmental Protection Agency in promulgating rules to reduce carbon dioxide which will shut down about 35% of the coal fired plants in the United States. Rolling blackouts will, by every one’s projections, follow. I am aware that a full 3%, maybe 4%, of the carbon dioxide in the air comes from human emissions. If we have another volcanic eruption, that percentage will decline. I intend to talk to the caddy about this – hope he speaks English. Of course, if Congress had made carbon dioxide emissions subject to the EPA, it might have been more acceptable to the caddy.
I also intend to issue a Procamation congratulating GM in not honoring any warranty work on warranties issued before they went through bankruptcy and received their government “loan.” I want to make sure they are commended in doing their best to hold down the government deficit by keeping GM fiscally solvent so they can repay their loan before 2049. Patriotism must be recognized.
I’m really tired thinking about this before I leave for my vacation, but I must keep going. America needs a fully rested eGrumps so it can face the challenges ahead.
I had intended to think about the operation Fast and Furious matter, or Operation Gunrunner as it was called, when I was gone, but since the BATF promoted the people who were in charge, there was no sense in going into that. Besides, since I am sure that none of the AK-47s that were sold to the drug cartels will find their way to Catalina, it really isn’t my problem.
I’ve been thinking about contemplating the rule the NLRB is working on concerning so-called “ambush” elections and their failure to allow Boeing to move to South Carolina, but enough is enough.
I’ve been scouring the Catalina telephone book looking for McDonald’s so Mrs. eGrumps and I, not too mention the 100+ members of my staff can eat a healthy breakfast. I hope they will take my credit card, unless it has maxed out again. I didn’t really ask for this aggravation, but it’s a tough job, and someone has to do it, and the buck stops here, or at least stops with Mrs. eGrumps. She can handle the pressure. She has put up with me for 61+ years.
There is at least one other matter that I want to consider while I am away. I have asked my staff to come up with a way to change the state boundary lines so that we can have more Democratic leaning states and fewer Republican leaning states. Gerrymandering works on the state level to determine congressional seats, so why can’t it work on the federal level to determine the political make-up of the Senators? I truly believe the Founding Fathers and Founding Mothers, (once known as The Mamas and The Papas) not to mention the Founding Kidlets, would have intended this if they knew how many red leaning states there are.
I’m getting a headache with all these future plans to consider while I am on my vacation. The way things are going, I really think Congress should lake a longer vacation.
I want a new era of civility and politeness to enter the political debate. I think the standard has been set by Rep. Maxine Waters who said “the tea party can go straight to hell.” Thank you Maxine, for setting a clear baseline on civility that we can all follow.
That’s about it for now – I’ve got to pack and head to Air Force 329 (employing the latest in glider technology to reduce pollutants) so I can leave.
Saturday, July 30th, 2011
Special to eGrumps network:
Washington, D.C. (July 30, 2011)
GREECE, IRELAND, ITALY AND SPAIN (GIIS) AGREE TO GUARANTEE THE REPAYMENT OF U. S. DEBT.
An unnamed spokesman for Secretary of the Treasury Timothy (it was all Turbo-Tax’s fault that I didn’t report taxable income) F. Geithner announced that the Treasury Department had solved the debt crisis, which really wasn’t a crisis, by long and difficult negotiations. The plan has been cleared by Republicans and Democrats, Main Street and Wall Street, and the President has not disapproved, saying only “Present” when asked for his approval. “No vote from Congress should be needed under my Executive Powers”
Basically, GIIS have agreed to guarantee the repayment of all U. S. Debt, up to a maximum of $20,000,000,000,000. The guarantee is good for ten years and would be the joint and several obligation of each of the four countries comprising the Gang of Four, the GIIS Nations.
The spokesman said “The strength of this guarantee should soothe the fears of any intelligent banker or politician. The future has never looked brighter for the stability of the international financial system and the solvency of the US.” He went on to say that “Congress should have no fear about raising the debt ceiling, if their consent is even required.”
When asked as to what the Gang of Four countries had received in return, the spokesman said “Not to worry, the US has agreed to guarantee $20,000,000,000,000 of their debt, and since the U S will never be called upon to honor that guarantee since the original obligations are backed by the full faith and credit of the four countries, our commitment is purely illusionary – sort of like Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
The White House was heard to say “Present – I knew I could work it out. If this goes the way it should I can fund Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, Obama Care and Congressional (and White House) pensions.”
Saturday, July 9th, 2011
eGrumps having learned of the upcoming Los Angeles traffic catastrophe has issued the following concerning the coming Freeway closing in Los Angeles, CA.
On July 15-16 the San Diego freeway (Rte 405) will be closed for about ten miles, between Santa Monica Blvd. and Ventura Blvd. while Caltrans demolishes 1/2 of a bridge – I thought they were going to demolish the right or left side, and I couldn’t figure out how the non-demolished side would not self demolish. But I have great faith in Caltrans and I knew they must have figured out a way. It turns out I was wrong – they are going to demolish either the north side or the south side – it is classified information as to which side will be demolished, and the info is only being released to those with a need-to-know, like the 1,000,000 or so people who use that freeway every day.
Back to government information – Caltrans has put out a one page flier warning of the upcoming catastrophe. Their advice: “Motorists should use alternate regional freewas to bypass the Sepulveda pass.” Makes sense to me. Glad they told all of us about it.
Looking at a freeway map, the way I figure, the nearest alternative regional freeway goes through San Diego.
The freeway is supposed to open at 6:00 Monday morning – That will be the mother of all traffic jams. It is going to be the first automobile tsunami in the history of The Great Insolvent State of California. Carmagedon is what some are calling it, but that is probably an understatement.
Those businesses with a need for emergency workers, like hospitals, are making plans to keep their employees on the right side of the closure so they can get to work. Hospitals are somewhat concerned, but many of them have told their employees to use alternate regional freeways or else have arranged for living accomidations on the right side of the closure. I suggested to the local hospitals that they tell their patients they would not be receiving any care for two or three days, but to suck it up and behave like the adults they are.
Being somewhat concerned about the situation, I have suggested to Mrs. eGrumps that we can perform a similar public service by taking in boarders for the weekend. I was concerned that the female cocktail waitresses are going to really be in trouble if they can’t get to work, and it would be our civic duty to give the poor little ones a place to stay for the weekend. We may have to double up on bedrooms, but I am sure we can make it work. For some reason she didn’t seem too enthusiastic, even though I said we didn’t need to take in strippers, and I really hadn’t planned to erect a pole so they could practice pole dancing. I thought that idea was a non starter – unfortunately.
Friday, August 27th, 2010
Questions About Technical “Support” Given to the Average American Phd candidate concerning a problem she is having with her computer.
Question of the day: Why should I have to press “1″ for English?
2nd Question of the day: Why do technical support people (generally speaking) in foreign countries not speak English loudly and clearly?
3rd Question of the day: Why do technical support people (generally speaking) in foreign countries almost always have to go to their supervisors to answer anything but the most simple questions? Why don’t they connect us to the supervisors in the first place.?
4th Question of the day: Whose time is more valuable – the foreign tech. support people or mine? (Don’t answer that)
Most Important Question of the Day: How many technical support people in foreign countries does it take to answer your question? (Damned if I know – I don’t understand their answer anyhow, so I could be talking to the same person, each time using a slightly different accent). Statistics, however, show the following:
1: The American operator who first answers the call and transfrers you to the foreign operator.
2. The foreign operator who asks who you want to speak to.
3. Assuming you don’t know the name of the person, then you get a new foreign operator who asks you the name, product number and serial number of the item in question.
4. The foreign operator who tells you where the serial number is located, and then puts you on hold while you crawl on the floor to find the damn number.
5. The new foreign operator who picks up the phone after you are disconnected while on hold by the first operator while you searched for the damn number.
6. The three new operators who repeat the questions in “2″ “3″ and “4″
7. The techical support person who asks you the same information you gave twice before about product name, etc. Now, however, he wants your name, address, last four digits of your SSN, driver’s license number, credit card number, date of purchase of the product, where you bought it, the invoice number and the date of registration. Sometimes you are asked for your Mother’s maiden name, but not always. (If they don’t ask, give it to them anyhow, it’ll save time in the long run).
8. The foreign librarian who looks up the answer in the manual so that the person in “7″ can answer the question.
9. The supervisor who tells the librarian she pulled the wrong spec sheet and sends her back to the tech. support person – who now talks to you in the dialect of Southwest Lower Slabovia giving you the correct answer, maybe, from the new spec sheet.
You add them up, I don’t have that many fingers, and besides my computer calculator doesn’t work, which is why I called in the first place.
Sunday, August 1st, 2010
Portland, OR (August 1, 2010) Exclusive to eGrumps
Having successfully dealt with the accusations against former VP Gore, the Portland PD announced that the procedure employed with Mr. Gore will become Standard Operating Procedure (SOP) for persons accused of crimes.
In investigating the guilt or innocence of the ex-VP, he was allowed to answer 14 written questions that were furnished to him to be answered at his leisure at home (or his lawyer’s office) some time prior to their decision not to prosecute. His attorneys, and anyone else for that matter, were allowed to help him with his answers.
The Portland PD announced that was so successful, from now on anyone accused of a crime would be questioned in the same manner. They considered two sets of questions, following the good cop bad cop interrogation proceedure, but it was deemed impractical.
The spokesperson announced that this would cut down on the number of policemen employed in Portland and certainly reduce the jail population. In the future – all personnel would be supplied with written questions to be given to the suspect to answer. Miranda rights would be typed at the top of the form. For those citizens of Portland who, having graduated from High School in Portland, could not read or write, special assistants would be furnished. For those good citizens of Portland who spoke only a foreign language, translators would be furnished. The Police would not be allowed to ask the immigration status of the non-English speaking suspects.
The Mayor’s office proudly announced that this was the most humane and forward looking police procedure ever adopted and he looked forward to great success in reducing the crime rate in Portland.
Saturday, July 17th, 2010
Washington, D. C. (July 17, 2010) (Exclusive)
A spokesperson (gender neutral identification – PC police – please note) for the Adminstration announced that the eGrumps websites (http://egrumps.com and http://pithycomment.com) would not be shut down by the Intellectual Property Enforcement Coordinator.
A concerted campaign led by a host of eGrumps fans resulted in the sites being removed from the “soon-to-be-deleted” list. A particulalry poignent letter from eGrumps’ Mother entitled “Let My Son Continue with His Stupid Web Sites” stating if he was shut down, I’d have to talk to him and my mental health would seriously be compromised, please, please, please – Let My People Go!.
Intellectual Property Enforcement Coordinator Victoria Espinel, being a parent herself, took pity on eGrumps’ Mother and reviewed his web sites. Concluding that “there was no intellectual property on those web sites and it was eminently fit for America to read them.” Americans, and the rest of the civilized world (actually the rest of the world, civilized or not) could profit from reading his sites.Well, “profit” isn’t exactly the right word.
Ray Bradury, writer of Fahrenheit 451, when learning of the new thought police, might have said, “I told you so.” (If you never read the book, eGrumps suggested it was a good read. Very Prophetic. Read it, and be afraid, very afraid)
Who would ever have thought of this for America in the 21st Century – an Intellectual Property Enforcement Coordinator? Next, President Obama will probably say “It’s for your own good,” sort of like what Mom said when I complained about eating spinach.
Sunday, May 30th, 2010
Washington, D. C. (May 29. 2010) Exclusive to eGrumps
The national “I-Got-A-Bridge I Want to Sell You” Award for 2010 (so far) has been awarded to President Obama, ex-President Bill Clinton, Rahm Emanual and the rest of the senior White House Staff (excluding chefs.) The Award goes, each year to those who put out the most gullible news story, which, asks the public to believe it is true. In effect, the award goes to those who say “if you believe this story, I have a bridge I want to sell you.”
In a news conference on Thursday, May 27, President Obama stated that the “offical” story would be released on May 28th as to the offer to Rep. Sestak to withdraw from the Democratic Senatorial Primary against Sen. Specter. The Official story is that Emanual contacted Clinton who contacted Sestak and offered him a job as an unpaid member of a Presidential Advisory Panel if he would not pursue his Senatorial dreams by running against good old Arlen S. Of course, Sestak, I think, was inelligible for the job since he already was on the federal payroll as a Representative, and the job didn’t pay any money anyhow, but that’s a small detail. In any event, it hardly seems credible that such would be offered to induce someone to withdraw from a Senate race.
No one thought to ask the President on May 27th what the unofficial story was, but again a small detail.
One can only speculate as to why it took the White House so long to respond with an official story, but that’s another small detail, but I digress.
eGrumps confesses he does not know the truth of the story, but frankly, it does not pass the smell test. Actually, in eGrumps humble official opinion, the White House official version is not credible. So – the award of the I Got a Bridge I Want to Sell You for 2010 (so far) goes to the above mentioned recipients on the very logical theory, that if you believe that story, I’ve got a bridge I want to sell you – cheap.
But, hard as it is to believe, eGrumps could be wrong.
Wednesday, May 26th, 2010
Washington, D.C. May 26, 2010
Exclusive story to eGrumps
Reacting strongly to criticism for not visiting the oil spill, and related environs, the Office of the President issued the following press release:
“The President is deeply upset about the storm of unpatriotic and seditious criticism that has been released against him for not visiting the oil spill sooner. He wanted the public to know that he has been very busy with affairs of state, and decided to stay in D.C. However, he has decided to book rooms in Hilton Head, South Carolina, at the leading golf resort on the East Coast, to observe the oil spill first hand.
That way he will be able to observe the oil spill while it works its way North, while at the same time he will be able to polish his golf game. He can thus combine business with pleasure. His spokesman issued the following statement: ‘Once you have seen one oil spill, you have seem them all. The crisis has been severlly exaggerated and the President feels his observation of the spill from the golf course will be just as good as if he had flown down there immediately after the oil rig collapsed. He is mindful of his responsibilities, one of which is to keep his physical and mental health strong, by playing golf on a regular basis while at the same time fulfilling his responsibility by observing the spill in great detail from the comfort of a golf cart, which has already been reserved for him. He also felt, the spokesman went on to say, that by hiring a caddy, he would be doing his part to reduce the unemployment rate in the US.’ “
Saturday, May 22nd, 2010
The new buzz words out of Washington, from President Obama, Attorney General Holder and Director of Homeland Security, Janet N.: “potential to lead to racial profiling.”
Now that someone in Washington has finally read the Arizona law and found it bans racial profiling, a new approach has been advanced to show the heinous nature of the law: it has the potential to lead to racial profiling.
Hey Guys and Gals in Washington DC – I’ve got news for you – EVERY CRIMINAL LAW HAS THE POTENTIAL TO LEAD TO RACIAL PROFILING. For example – traffic laws – like speed limit laws – can lead to racial profiling in that the police might, just might, have a tendency to stop cars being driven by a certain minority group, but not by whites. So – lets do away with all criminal laws on that basis – they have a potential to lead to racial profiling – that’ll simplify our lives, not to mention reducing the size of our police forces, thus saving lots of taxpayer dollars.
Makes sense to me.
Friday, May 21st, 2010
Classified Location, Arizona Exclusive to eGrumps
May 21, 2010
Reacting to harsh criticism the Governor of Arizona has announced a policy designed to prevent any hint of racial profiling:
The spokesperson announced: “For those illegal immigrants who may temporarily be visiting the great State of Arizona, and who are afraid they may be called upon to prove their legal right to continue their stay in Arizona – in order to prevent racial profiling they should take the following step to protect their civil rights:
That course of action will spare them any embarrassment and protect their privacy. If they go home, their civil rights problem in Arizona will be solved.
Printed cards will be distributed, in English and Spanish, so that this advice will not be forgotten.
A simple solution to a difficult problem:
American citizens will be given a free copy of their birth certificates which they are encouraged to carry in their wallets.
Illegals spare us a lot of trouble and expense, please:
When President Obama, Attorney General Holder, Home Security Czar Janet N. were asked about the new policy, all said they had not read it, but it sounded illegal to them and unconstitutional unless a comprehensive solution to the “problem” could be made. All said they preferred amnesty since it seemed the more humane course, and, of course, that way, the illegals could all be made wards of the state and allowed to vote in America’s elections.
Tuesday, May 4th, 2010
Sacramento, CA, (o5/04/2010) Exclusive to eGrumps
Expressing great concern over the law enacted by Arizona regarding illegal aliens (aka undocumented workers), a spokesperson for the Governor of the Great Insolvent State of California announced that California was erecting a fence between Arizona and California to prevent those targeted by the Arizona law from fleeing to California.
Stating that the federal government could not, or would not, act to prevent this anticipated invasion of California from those fleeing the tyranny of Arizona. “Let them go to Las Vegas,” the Governor’s spokesperson said. ”They have plenty of employment opportunities for those willing to roll the dice, so to speak, on the economic climate of Nevada.”
“Our facilities are severely taxed now. It has gotten so bad in the Emergency Rooms of our hospitals, and our schools, and our welfare departments, that our own illegal immigrants are being denied certain basic rights. There simply is no more room or money to finance the basic needs of our own California illegal immigrants, yet alone Arizona illegal immigrants. We are not going to take this any longer. If the federal government will not act, we will,” he stated.
“Our fence, between Arizona and California, will be a civic project of which all true Californians will be proud” he stated “We have hired the best fence-builders and fence decorators in the world.”
No word has come from Washington D. C., except for a brief announcement from the Dept. of Homeland Security that the Administration was appointing a Wall Czar so that all internal fences in the U.S. could be coordinated with common aesthetic features. Preliminary plans show that all guard towers will be concealed, but they will be acceptable to the Administration provided that at least 100 feet separate each guard tower. The new Wall Czar has stated: “We are proud of all Californians and their ability to face, and solve, an internal problem, in a civilized manner, without bloodshed – at least so far.”
Monday, April 26th, 2010
Washington, D. C. (April 26, 2010) Special to eGrumps
The Administration has announced a new Immigration Policy which should solve, once and for all, the problem of illegal immigration -
By Executive Order, henceforth all illegal immigrants will be required to either be married, or get married within six months after they cross the Rio Grande, or wherever they are entering. All males must be accompanioed by their wives, or someone else’s wife – small detail – AND, here’s the important part. all females must give birth to a child within one year of their arrival, or their husband’s arrival, or their significant other’s arrival. The law is still being written, and Congress will know what they have passed within a reasonable time after passage.
These little heirs of the illegal’s, by virtue of being born in America, will under out Constitution and the foresight of the Founding Fathers (and Mothers) be American citizens. Now, so will their parents. Their families can remain united in a free country.The new law will provide two things to remove the stigma of illegal entry:
1: Since the children will be citizens, ALL parents of a child, who have entered the country illegally, (the parent, not the child) will automatically become American citizens upon paying a citizenship fee of $2.50 AND signing an irrevocable voter registration card for the Democratic party. An ability to read and write English will be helpful, but not an actual requirement since it would violate the American principles against racial profiling, and
2: All such children, and their parents will automatically be granted the right to vote, no matter what their age. Children, however, must be either over the age of five, or toilet trained, whichever comes first in order to vote. The Administration was unwilling to take a chance on dirty diapers in the polling booths of America. Since their may be an inability of such children to vote because they may be unable to physically fill out the ballot, any precinct worker will be empowered to actually fill out the ballot, depending on the wishes of the child. If the child cannot clearly express such wishes, the precinct worker can infer his wishes based upon the irrevocable voter registration card filled out by his parent (see #1 above).
“We have finally solved the illegal immigration problem, amnesty and citizenship for the immigrants.” the Administration spokesman said. “No more divisive fights. It is a win-win solution for America. Americans, fair minded citizens all, should rejoice in this simple solution which has evaded so many politicians for so long. The Country is secure once again, governed by the rule of law, which has made America such a great country, a haven for the poor of the world. George Washington would be proud.”
Thursday, April 22nd, 2010
Washington, D. C. April 22, 2012 Exclusive to eGrumps
The Obama Administration has issued new guidelines for Bills to be submitted to Congress.
1. No Bill will be less than 1,500 pages, single spaced.
2. All Bills will be submitted to Congress no earlier than three days before the vote.
3. All Bills will contain at least one section that the Republicans will be unable to accept and the public will not understand why they are unable to accept it.
4. All bills will be surported by all Democrats who will take the position that any opposition will lead to inevitable violence. Strong opposition will be consider sedetion, or even treason. Some bills will contain a preamble that states that the purpose of the Law is to satisfy all good American citizens and to prevent a recurrence of the Oklahoma City bombing by disgruntled individuals.
5. All bills will establish a commission to regulate the Tea Party Movement, requiring weekly rosters on members, financial statements, fingerprints and compulsary DNA testing.
6. All Bills will contain an appropriation for Community Organizing Groups., particularly ACORN, or its successors. No audit would be required for the funds received.
The Administration Spokesperson stated that the length of the bill was vital. It was felt no human being could read 1500 or more pages in the three days before the vote, thus leaving all Congress people in the dark as to what they were voting on. This would enable the Administration to set up numerous separate departments, all of whom would employ out-of-work citizens, whose jobs would depend on the fact that if the Republicans take control of either the Senate or the House, they would lose their jobs if the Law was repealed.
Monday, April 19th, 2010
Great groups from little icons grow.
Speak softly and carry a cell phone.
The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
Oh, what a tangled website we weave.
A chat has nine lives.
Home is where you hang your @.
What boots up must come down.
There’s no place like http://www.home.com
Tuesday, April 13th, 2010
In an effort to protect American airliners, President Obama announced the formation of a dog corps, designed to sniff out trouble before it begins.
This is the story of the first graduate.
A man is seated in an airliner, which is about to take off when another man with a Labrador retriever occupies the empty seats next to him.
The lab is situated in the middle, and the man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains they work for the airline.
The airline rep said,”Don’t mind Sniffer; he is the best sniffing dog there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,”Watch this”. He tells the dog, “Sniffer search”.
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
handlers arm. He says “Good boy.”
The airline rep turns to the first man and says, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making note of this and her seat
number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.”
“Fantastic!” replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffs
about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds and returns to its seat,and places two paws on the handlers arm. The airline rep says,
“That man is carrying cocaine, so again I’m making note of this and his seat number.”
“I like it!” says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while he sits down
next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well trained sniffing dog and asks,”Whats going on?”
The handler nervously replies,”He just found a bomb!”
Saturday, April 3rd, 2010
Exclusive to eGrumps
Washington, D. C. (April 2, 2010)
In a plan to reduce unemployment, and continuing the modest gains of March, 2010, the Administration announced a new policy. In March, 2010, there were 162,000 employees added to the work force, according to preliminary figures. Of these jobs, 48,000 consisted of temporary workers hired for the 2010 census.
Now we are going to take monthly censuses.
As a Cabinet Meeting held in early April, it was decided to continue taking censuses. Commencing on May 1, 2010 the Administration will now conduct monthly censuses. All existing temporary workers will be assigned other duties, like reading the Census Reports, and then writing a novel from the accumulated date.
The Administration spokesman stated: “Every month 48,000+/- new workers will be added to the workforce to conduct the monthly census. At the same time, the prior months temporary hires will be assigned to writing the great American novel from the accumulated date. While we don’t expect great literature to be produced from these random figures, we are hoping to be pleasantly surprised. With so many workers devoting time to this project, there is a chance that something of literary interest will be produced, and, besides, the object is not to produce great books (we have plenty of them already) but to hire 48,000+ new employees every month in order to reduce unemployment. It is always possible, the President felt, that useful data will be mined for the overall benefit of the country from the monthly censuses, but that is a secondary concern.
“It is an ingenious plan,” the Spokesman said. “Unemployment will be reduced. The country will get tons of useful data, and it may even get great literature. Further, the number of new voters to support the Administration in the coming election will be increased significantly. “
“The Administration denied, with great vehemence that the purpose of these hirings was strictly political, that is to get new voters. A little bit, maybe, but it wanted to stress that it is a win-win situation for America. There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that a pre-printed voter registration form is attached to the employment application. Are we not a great, glorious and ingenious Administration, or what. By tweaking the system,unemployment will be a thing of the past!”
Friday, April 2nd, 2010
For weeks I have been bombarded with letters, cards and advertisements telling me to be sure to fill out my census form and mail it in. I couldn’t do that because it asked for information as of April 1, and I had no way of predicting the future – what are the facts as of April 1, 2010. Now, it is past that date, and I have received no new communications advising me to send the form in. That’s good, because I now have a problem – I can’t remember who lived in my house yesterday and even if I could, I don’t remember where I put the census form.
Advice to the government – In 2020, assuming the planet is still here, why not remind your citizens to put the census form where you will not lose it. That would be better advice then telling us to guess at the future. Then – on April 1, 2020 – send everyone, through iPhones, Blackberrys, Computers, iPads, TVs and whatever other Internet connecting machines that then exists a polite reminder to send in the friggin’ form. Can’t be done? – sure it can – twice a year, through some means I don’t understand, all computers adjust for Daylight Savings Time – coming and going.
So why can’t “it” send everyone a non-blockable pop-up on April 1, every hour on the hour, to send in the Census form. I know it would be annoying, but it is a small price to pay for having an accurate census. Which, in the grand scheme of things is most important, not annoying all of America’s citizens or having a complete census.
For all I know, such a plan could be in the Health Care Bill (Obamacare), everything else seems to be. I think there is already a provision in the law that provides that every person who doesn’t send in the Census Form will be fined – big time – it’s a felony. The IRS is mandated to enforce the return of the census forms, and, if you don’t send them in, your income tax return will be audited. The Law contains about 2050+/- pages, so I haven’t been able to find that provision – yet – but trust me, it’s there. Would eGrumps lie to you?
I think the full story will be on 60 minutes in a few weeks. It would be on next week, but no one, except for one junior mail clerk, has mailed in his census form. I think they all forgot where they put them.
Washington – are you listening?
Saturday, March 27th, 2010
To: Robert M. Groves, Director U. S. Census
Dear Mr. Groves:
I have previously posted about your (our)(America’s) problem with the census you are taking. (See my posts of March 18 and March 22) I wrote about the enclosure letter I received with the census form and the separate letter that your Department subsequently sent. BOTH of them said, in effect – fill out the census form and mail it in right away. The problem was that the form asked for information as of April 1, 2010, and your department wanted it mailed in prior to that date. By common logic, common sense and basic intelligence, that information could not be provided accurately.
In case you can’t figure it out – let me state it again. I can not give you a report in March, 2010, telling you who is living in my house on April 1, 2010. I can’t tell you his or her sex, race or anything else about him or her, in advance – so stop bugging me.
Now – I have received a post card bearing your signature, you probably didn’t sign it personally, stating “It is important that you respond…If you have not responded please provide your information…” I simply cannot do that, so stop wasting the government’s time and money asking me to do the impossible.
Somehow, Mr. Groves your conduct reminds me of Congress where they keep passing bills they haven’t read and don’t really understand the consequences. Your conduct casts a pall over the whole census procedure and should, I submit, invalidate the census. I don’t believe you have the guts to admit that you are invalidating the census procedure, but it should be retaken because you are telling everyone to do what can’t be truthfully done. You want the American public to lie, plain and simple.
You are making a mockery of U. S. Government statistics, but what else is new?
Thursday, March 25th, 2010
Washington, D. C. (March 24, 2010) from eGrumps
Obamacare provides for a new 10% “tax” to be levied upon the gross receipts of tanning salons – presumably the customers would be charged an extra 10% on the cost of their “treatments.” What has not been mentioned is the racial overtones of this tax. It is undisputed that the primary customers of these salons are Caucasians, so while Blacks, or non Caucasians do use the salons, they are in a distinct minority. The Whites would be disproportionately subject to the “revenue enhancing measure” – a non-tax for those earnings less than $250,000 per year. Whoever said “Revenue enhancing measures are color blind” never heard of this “tax” on tanning salons. Frankly, this is subtle discrimination in its most insidious and obnoxious form. I submit it is a form of reverse affirmative action. (or, more properly, disaffirmative action)
More discouraging is the plan to hire 150,000 (+/-) IRS Agents to police these businesses. It is necessary to read between the lines of this measure to realize that the extra money that will be raised will be used to hire FBI Agents to oversee the IRS Agents. Any funds left over (Hah – when it comes to government “tax revenues”) will be used to hire CIA Agents to oversee the FBI Agents who are overseeing the IRS agents. Interpol also wants some money to oversee the CIA Agents who are overseeing the FBI Agents who are overseeing the IRS Agents. Is America not a free enterprise democracy, or what? This is the “Stimulus Package” at its finest – job creation!
The new slogan “Tax their hides, black, white and those in-between. The government needs the money” The Agents have been instructed to be sure and read the customers their Miranda rights, at least the IRS Agents that can read, have been so instructed.
A quick review of the Constitution shows nothing about tanning salons, so presumably it is a legal exercise of the inherent “taxing” powers vested in the Federal Government, the States Governments, the County Governments and the City Governments, not to mention Special Appraisal Districts and those other governmental entities that have “taxing” authority and that desire to squeeze extra money out of their law abiding citizens.