The Department of Defense officially announced today that they have authorized the use of women in front-line combat units. Comparing these brave women to the Amazons of yesterday, the Department felt very comfortable with using women as combat troops saying that history had proved there  is a vital role for American women in combat units.

In addition the department proudly announced that this increase in combat strength would more than offset the sale to Egypt of 20 F-16 combat aircraft and 200 front-line tanks and that our troops, men and women, would be more than ready to protect America and our values while still maintaining all of the built-up good will America has received by transferring these weapons to Egypt. The government of Egypt gave their word that the airplanes and tanks would only be used for defensive purposes.

This is a win-win situation for everyone, the Secretary of Defense said – for civil rights and equality between the sexes in the military, for international good will between Egypt and the United States, for helping bring peace to the Middle East, and for the protection of America and its allies. It is absolutely a no lose situation for America. We have protected our military integrity and combat readiness by offsetting a transfer of a few pieces of military hardware by increasing the effectiveness of our Army.

The Office of the President is pleased to announce that the unemployment rate in America has been reduced to 0%.

Deciding that anyone who is out of work, regardless of the length of time, will no longer be deemed a part of the work force. As a result, the work force now consists of only those people who are at work – everyone else will be disregarded. Therefore the Administration, the Spokesman (oops – make that Spokesperson), announced that it has achieved the unattainable:

100% employment, 0% unemployment.

The 7.5% (+/-) unemployment rate when the prior President left office is a thing of the past. By using the money from the stimulus bill, the cash for clunkers program, etc. (not to mention a little creative accounting) the problem of unemployment has been solved, forever. The President’s office announced that it was extremely gratified that the American people have realized that the President’s policies had finally been recognized as working. “This should certainly help with the reelection campaign, and anyone who doesn’t recognize the brilliancy of the present administration is unpatriotic.” the President’s Spokeswoman (oops– make that Spokesperson) announced.

Someone said there is a solution to every problem. The problem lies in finding it, — well, the President found it. Never in American history has this level of unemployment been reached.

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As you might have gathered in reading the newspapers or listening to the TV, or following the many blogs where the news seems slightly more reliable, depending, of course, on which blog you read. that the country is going to hell, rather quickly unfortunately.

Well, I have decided to do something about it:

I am going to take a vacation on Catalina’s Vineyard Island. (Formerly known as Catalina Island – off the coast of So. California)

I will not be out of touch with developments because I am taking my whole staff with me. I have a beautiful room lined up in a one-star motel overlooking the Miniature Golf course. Not to worry, however, I am taking my iPhone, iPad and laptop computer with me while I am on the links. My caddy has been vetted by the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, BAFT and DHS (and Mrs. eGrumps) so that shouldn’t be a problem. When they found out he was not here legally, but had not committed a serious crime while here, he passed with flying colors. They even gave him a temporary green card and made him promise to marry a citizen so he could qualify for immediate citizenship and voting rights.

The vetting process took about 15 minutes since everyone was having coffee at Starbucks, but once they realized the importance of the task they were asked to do, they finished their first cup, refused seconds and went to work. Mrs. eGrumps and I are very pleased with the efficiency that they acted to make sure I was safe on the links and that the top secret information I was receiving through Facebook would remain secure.

While there I intend to review the action taken by the Department of Homeland Security, taken in Washington, where 300,000 +/- people who were slated for deportation would not be slated for deportation. Except, for hardened criminals, the rest could stay. As “he” said, we don’t want to deport college kids and maids. No mention was made of maids who had committed serious crimes. Well, I think that might be a good policy if Congress had passed such a law, but, of course, they hadn’t. So — small detail. Me, I would expand those entitled to stay to include gardeners, busboys, parking lot attendants and lettuce and tomato pickers. If maids can stay, why not the rest. No sense in making them go to college – or was that the DREAM act which also did not pass Congress. I intend to review this whole situation at the 19th hole, if I’m not too tired.

I also intend to review the actions of the Environmental Protection Agency in promulgating rules to reduce carbon dioxide which will shut down about 35% of the coal fired plants in the United States. Rolling blackouts will, by every one’s projections, follow. I am aware that a full 3%, maybe 4%, of the carbon dioxide in the air comes from human emissions. If we have another volcanic eruption, that percentage will decline. I intend to talk to the caddy about this – hope he speaks English. Of course, if Congress had made carbon dioxide emissions subject to the EPA, it might have been more acceptable to the caddy.

I also intend to issue a Procamation congratulating GM in not honoring any warranty work on warranties issued before they went through bankruptcy and received their government “loan.” I want to make sure they are commended in doing their best to hold down the government deficit by keeping GM fiscally solvent so they can repay their loan before 2049. Patriotism must be recognized.
I’m really tired thinking about this before I leave for my vacation, but I must keep going. America needs a fully rested eGrumps so it can face the challenges ahead.

I had intended to think about the operation Fast and Furious matter, or Operation Gunrunner as it was called, when I was gone, but since the BATF promoted the people who were in charge, there was no sense in going into that. Besides, since I am sure that none of the AK-47s that were sold to the drug cartels will find their way to Catalina, it really isn’t my problem.

I’ve been thinking about contemplating the rule the NLRB is working on concerning so-called “ambush” elections and their failure to allow Boeing to move to South Carolina, but enough is enough.

I’ve been scouring the Catalina telephone book looking for McDonald’s so Mrs. eGrumps and I, not too mention the 100+ members of my staff can eat a healthy breakfast. I hope they will take my credit card, unless it has maxed out again. I didn’t really ask for this aggravation, but it’s a tough job, and someone has to do it, and the buck stops here, or at least stops with Mrs. eGrumps. She can handle the pressure. She has put up with me for 61+ years.

There is at least one other matter that I want to consider while I am away. I have asked my staff to come up with a way to change the state boundary lines so that we can have more Democratic leaning states and fewer Republican leaning states. Gerrymandering works on the state level to determine congressional seats, so why can’t it work on the federal level to determine the political make-up of the Senators? I truly believe the Founding Fathers and Founding Mothers, (once known as The Mamas and The Papas) not to mention the Founding Kidlets, would have intended this if they knew how many red leaning states there are.

I’m getting a headache with all these future plans to consider while I am on my vacation. The way things are going, I really think Congress should lake a longer vacation.

I want a new era of civility and politeness to enter the political debate. I think the standard has been set by Rep. Maxine Waters who said “the tea party can go straight to hell.” Thank you Maxine, for setting a clear baseline on civility that we can all follow.

That’s about it for now – I’ve got to pack and head to Air Force 329 (employing the latest in glider technology to reduce pollutants) so I can leave.

eGrumps having learned of the upcoming Los Angeles traffic catastrophe has issued the following concerning the coming Freeway closing in Los Angeles, CA.

On July 15-16 the San Diego freeway (Rte 405) will be closed for about ten miles, between Santa Monica Blvd. and Ventura Blvd. while Caltrans demolishes 1/2 of a bridge – I thought they were going to demolish the right or left side, and I couldn’t figure out how the non-demolished side would not self demolish. But I have great faith in Caltrans and I knew they must have figured out a way. It turns out I was wrong – they are going to demolish either the north side or the south side – it is classified information as to which side will be demolished, and the info is only being released to those with a need-to-know, like the 1,000,000 or so people who use that freeway every day.

Back to government information – Caltrans has put out a one page flier warning of the upcoming catastrophe. Their advice: “Motorists should use alternate regional freewas to bypass the Sepulveda pass.” Makes sense to me. Glad they told all of us about it.

Looking at a freeway map, the way I figure, the nearest alternative regional freeway goes through San Diego.

The freeway is supposed to open at 6:00 Monday morning – That will be the mother of all traffic jams. It is going to be the first automobile tsunami in the history of The Great Insolvent State of California. Carmagedon is what some are calling it, but that is probably an understatement.

Those businesses with a need for emergency workers, like hospitals, are making plans to keep their employees on the right side of the closure so they can get to work. Hospitals are somewhat concerned, but many of them have told their employees to use alternate regional freeways or else have arranged for living accomidations on the right side of the closure. I suggested to the local hospitals that they tell their patients they would not be receiving any care for two or three days, but to suck it up and behave like the adults they are.

Being somewhat concerned about the situation, I have suggested to Mrs. eGrumps that we can perform a similar public service by taking in boarders for the weekend. I was concerned that the female cocktail waitresses are going to really be in trouble if they can’t get to work, and it would be our civic duty to give the poor little ones a place to stay for the weekend. We may have to double up on bedrooms, but I am sure we can make it work. For some reason she didn’t seem too enthusiastic, even though I said we didn’t need to take in strippers, and I really hadn’t planned to erect a pole so they could practice pole dancing. I thought that idea was a non starter – unfortunately.

Question of the day: Why should I have to press “1″ for English?

2nd Question of the day: Why do technical support people (generally speaking) in foreign countries not speak English loudly and clearly?

3rd Question of the day: Why do technical support people (generally speaking) in foreign countries almost always have to go to their supervisors to  answer anything but the most simple  questions? Why don’t they connect us to the supervisors in the first place.?

4th Question of the day: Whose time is more valuable – the foreign tech. support people or mine? (Don’t answer that)

Most Important Question of the Day: How many technical support people in foreign countries does it take to answer your question? (Damned if I know – I don’t understand their answer anyhow, so I could be talking to the same person, each time using a slightly different accent). Statistics, however,  show the following:

1: The American operator who first answers the call and transfrers you to the foreign operator.

2. The foreign operator who asks who you want to speak to.

3. Assuming you don’t know the name of the person, then you get a new foreign operator who asks you the name, product number and serial number of the item in question.

4. The foreign operator who tells you where the serial number is located, and then puts you on hold while you crawl on the floor to find the damn number.

5. The new foreign operator who picks up the phone after you are disconnected while on hold by the first operator while you searched for the damn number.

6. The three new operators who repeat the questions in “2″ “3″ and “4″

7. The techical support person who asks you the same information you gave twice before about product name, etc. Now, however, he wants your name, address, last four digits of your SSN, driver’s license number, credit card number, date of purchase of the product, where you bought it, the invoice number and the date of registration. Sometimes you are asked for your Mother’s maiden name, but not always. (If they don’t ask, give it to them anyhow, it’ll save time in the long run).

8. The foreign librarian who looks up the answer in the manual so that the person in “7″ can answer the question.

9. The supervisor who tells the librarian she pulled the wrong spec sheet and sends her back to the tech. support person – who now talks to you in the dialect of Southwest Lower Slabovia giving you the correct answer, maybe, from the new spec sheet.

You add them up, I don’t have that many fingers, and besides my computer calculator doesn’t work, which is why I called in the first place.

Having successfully dealt with the accusations against former VP Gore, the Portland PD announced that the procedure employed with Mr. Gore will become Standard Operating Procedure (SOP) for persons accused of crimes.

In investigating the guilt or innocence of the ex-VP, he was allowed to answer 14 written questions that were furnished to him to be answered at his leisure at home (or his lawyer’s office) some time prior to their decision not to prosecute. His attorneys, and anyone else for that matter, were allowed to help him with his answers.

The Portland PD announced that was so successful, from now on anyone accused of a crime would be questioned in the same manner. They considered two sets of questions, following the good cop bad cop interrogation proceedure, but it was deemed impractical.

The spokesperson announced that this would cut down on the number of policemen employed in Portland and certainly reduce the jail population. In the future – all personnel would be supplied with written questions to be given to the suspect to answer. Miranda rights would be typed at the top of the form. For those citizens of Portland who, having graduated from High School in Portland, could not read or write, special assistants would be furnished. For those good citizens of Portland who spoke only a foreign language, translators would be furnished. The Police would not be allowed to ask the immigration status of the non-English speaking suspects.

The Mayor’s office proudly announced that this was the most humane and forward looking police procedure ever adopted and he looked forward to great success in reducing the crime rate in Portland.

A number of web sites and ISPs have been closed by the Washington thought purity police. (see http://torrentfreak.com/u-s-authorities-shut-down-wordpress-host-with-73000-blogs-100716/)

A spokesperson (gender neutral identification – PC police – please note) for the Adminstration announced that the eGrumps websites (http://egrumps.com and http://pithycomment.com) would not be shut down by the Intellectual Property Enforcement Coordinator.

A concerted campaign led by a host of eGrumps fans resulted in the sites being removed from the “soon-to-be-deleted” list. A particulalry  poignent letter from eGrumps’ Mother entitled “Let My Son Continue with His Stupid Web Sites” stating if he was shut down, I’d have to talk to him and my mental health would seriously be compromised, please, please, please – Let My People Go!.

Intellectual Property Enforcement Coordinator Victoria Espinel, being a parent herself, took pity on eGrumps’  Mother and reviewed his web sites. Concluding that “there was no intellectual property on those web sites and it was eminently fit for America to read them.” Americans, and the rest of the civilized world (actually the rest of the world, civilized or not)  could profit from reading his sites.Well, “profit” isn’t exactly the right word.

Ray Bradury, writer of Fahrenheit 451, when learning of the new thought police, might have said, “I told you so.” (If you never read the book, eGrumps suggested it was a good read. Very Prophetic. Read it, and be afraid, very afraid)

Who would ever have thought of this for America in the 21st Century – an Intellectual Property Enforcement Coordinator? Next, President Obama will probably say “It’s for your own good,” sort of like what Mom said when I complained about eating spinach.

Tensions are developing between USA Financial Markets and German Financial Markets:

America has demanded greater transparency in the financial markets.

German has banned naked short selling in certain issues.

In a prepared statement, the German Minister of Super High Finance stated: “How transparent can the Yanks want us to be. Perhaps they are suggesting Germany X-Ray the naked short sellers, which we have banned,  but that hardly seems practical and, in any event will not stabilize the market, although it will increase the demand for German-made X-Ray machines.”

A spokesperson for the American Cabinet Department of Low Finance (A Division of Wall Street in Washington, Inc. doing business as “We Have Our Hands in the Public’s Pockets, Bless You Washington Politicians” )  has responded.  ”We are truly encouraged by the generous spirit of cooperation the German Minister of Super High Finance has shown, and America is willing to rethink its position on this contentious subject. We have requested that the Germans send us the pictures of the short sellers, in bathing suits, so that we can decide on the appropriateness of their solution. The company names of the X-Ray machine makers in Germany would also be helpful. “

The national “I-Got-A-Bridge I Want to Sell You”  Award for 2010 (so far) has been awarded to President Obama, ex-President Bill Clinton, Rahm Emanual and the rest of the senior White House Staff (excluding chefs.) The Award goes, each year to those who put out the most gullible news story, which, asks the public to believe it is true. In effect, the award goes to those who say “if you believe this story, I have a bridge I want to sell you.”

In a news conference on Thursday, May 27, President Obama stated that the “offical” story would be released on May 28th as to the offer to Rep. Sestak to withdraw from the Democratic Senatorial Primary against Sen. Specter. The Official story is that Emanual contacted Clinton who contacted Sestak and offered him a job as an unpaid  member of a Presidential Advisory Panel if he would not pursue his Senatorial dreams by running against good old Arlen S. Of course, Sestak, I think, was inelligible for the job since he already was on the federal payroll as a Representative, and the job didn’t pay any money anyhow, but that’s a small detail. In any event, it hardly seems credible that such would be offered to induce someone to withdraw from a Senate race.

No one thought to ask the President on May 27th what the unofficial story was, but again a small detail.

One can only speculate as to why it took the White House so long to respond with an official story, but that’s another  small detail, but I digress.

eGrumps confesses he does not know the truth of the story, but frankly, it does not pass the smell test. Actually, in eGrumps humble official opinion, the White House  official version is not credible.  So – the award of the I Got a Bridge I Want to Sell You for 2010 (so far) goes to the above mentioned recipients on the very logical theory, that if you believe that story, I’ve got a bridge I want to sell you – cheap.

But, hard as it is to believe, eGrumps could be wrong.