For weeks I have been bombarded with letters, cards and advertisements telling me to be sure to fill out my census form and mail it in. I couldn’t do that because it asked for information as of April 1, and I had no way of predicting the future – what are the facts as of April 1, 2010. Now, it is past that date, and I have received no new communications advising me to send the form in. That’s good, because I now have a problem – I can’t remember who lived in my house yesterday and even if I could, I don’t remember where I put the census form.

Advice to the government – In 2020, assuming the planet is still here, why not remind your citizens to put the census form where you will not lose it. That would be better advice then telling us to guess at the future. Then – on April 1, 2020 – send everyone, through iPhones, Blackberrys, Computers, iPads, TVs and whatever other Internet connecting machines that then exists a polite reminder to send in the friggin’ form. Can’t be done? – sure it can – twice a year, through some means I don’t understand, all computers adjust for Daylight Savings Time – coming and going.

So why can’t “it” send everyone a non-blockable pop-up on April 1, every hour on the hour, to send in the Census form. I know it would be annoying, but it is a small price to pay for having an accurate census. Which, in the grand scheme of things is most important, not annoying all of America’s citizens or having a complete census.

For all I know, such a plan could be in the Health Care Bill (Obamacare), everything else seems to be. I think there is already a provision in the law that provides that every person who doesn’t send in the Census Form will be fined – big time – it’s a felony. The IRS is mandated to enforce the return of the census forms, and, if you don’t send them in, your income tax return will be audited. The Law contains about 2050+/- pages, so I haven’t been able to find that provision – yet – but trust me, it’s there. Would eGrumps lie to you?

I think the full story will be on 60 minutes in a few weeks. It would be on next week, but no one, except for one junior mail clerk, has mailed in his census form. I think they all forgot where they put them.

Washington – are you listening?

To: Robert M. Groves, Director U. S. Census

Dear Mr. Groves:

I have previously posted about your (our)(America’s) problem with the census you are taking. (See my posts of March 18 and March 22) I wrote about the enclosure letter I received with the census form and the separate letter that your Department subsequently sent. BOTH of them said, in effect – fill out the census form and mail it in right away. The problem was that the form asked for information  as of April 1, 2010, and your department wanted it mailed in prior to that date. By common logic,  common sense and basic intelligence, that information could not be provided accurately.

In case you can’t figure it out – let me state it again. I can not give you a report in March, 2010, telling you who is living in my house on April 1, 2010. I can’t tell you his or her sex, race or anything else about him or her, in advance – so stop bugging me.

Now – I have received a post card bearing your signature, you probably didn’t sign it personally,  stating “It is important that you respond…If you have not responded please provide your information…” I simply cannot do that, so stop wasting the government’s time and money asking me to do the impossible.

Somehow, Mr. Groves your conduct reminds me of Congress where they keep passing bills they haven’t read and don’t really understand the consequences. Your conduct casts a pall over the whole census procedure and should, I submit,  invalidate the census.  I don’t believe you have the guts to admit that you are invalidating the census procedure, but it should be retaken because you are telling everyone to do what can’t be truthfully done. You want the American public to lie, plain and simple.

You are making a mockery of U. S. Government statistics, but what else is new?

Cordially

eGrumps

Washington, D. C. (March 24, 2010)                                                                      from eGrumps

Obamacare provides for a new 10% “tax” to be levied upon the gross receipts of tanning salons – presumably the customers would be charged an extra 10% on the cost of their “treatments.” What has not been mentioned is the racial overtones of this tax. It is undisputed that the primary customers of these salons are Caucasians,  so while Blacks, or non Caucasians do use the salons, they are in a distinct minority. The Whites would be disproportionately subject to the “revenue enhancing measure” – a non-tax  for those earnings less than $250,000 per year. Whoever said “Revenue enhancing measures are color blind” never heard of this “tax” on tanning salons. Frankly, this is subtle discrimination in its most insidious and obnoxious form. I submit it is a form of reverse affirmative action. (or, more properly, disaffirmative action)

More discouraging is the plan to hire 150,000 (+/-) IRS Agents to police these businesses.  It is necessary to read between the lines of this measure to realize that the extra money that will be raised will be used to hire FBI Agents to oversee the IRS Agents.  Any funds left over (Hah – when it comes to government “tax revenues”) will be used to hire CIA Agents to oversee the FBI Agents who are overseeing the IRS agents. Interpol also wants some money to oversee the CIA Agents who are overseeing the FBI Agents who are overseeing the IRS Agents. Is America not a free enterprise democracy, or what? This is the “Stimulus Package” at its finest – job creation!

The new slogan “Tax their hides, black, white and those in-between. The government needs the money” The Agents have been instructed to be sure and read the customers their Miranda rights, at least the IRS Agents that can read, have been so instructed.

A quick review of the Constitution shows nothing about tanning salons, so presumably it is a legal exercise of the inherent “taxing” powers vested in the Federal Government, the States Governments, the County Governments and the City Governments, not to mention Special Appraisal Districts and those other governmental entities that have “taxing” authority and that desire to squeeze extra money out of their law abiding citizens.

Dear Mr. and/or Mrs. Census Director:

Several days ago i posted about a problem with your letter (of March 2010) demanding that I sign and send in my census form immediately, despite the fact the form relates to events occurring on April 1, 2010. I expected some clarification, but alas, you have not had the common courtesy to respond.  My comment about you being qualified as Director of Obamacare seems to have been quite accurate.

Now, however, the problem has been compounded. The Dept. of Census has put out TV commercials (not too entertaining, I must say) telling me to send in my census form right away.  Same problem – it was March 21 that the commercials appeared, and the info requested is for April 1. I am still not able to predict the future with any degree of accuracy. I could guess, but that would probably be illegal, and I am too old to go to jail.

Please – IMMEDIATELY tell me what to do. This situation is quite stressful, as you can imagine, I think.  You could be liable under tort law for the deliberate infliction of mental suffering. I may sue.

eGrumps

P.S. I suggest you not pay for the commercials, or if you have paid, get your money back – with interest. As a taxpayer, your conduct really tees me off .

P.P.S. Is there no end to your incompetence? One would think you work for the government. Oops – you do work for the government. Maybe that explains it, but certainly doesn’t excuse your conduct in this matter.  It is very serious to advise we American citizens to break the law.

March 18, 2010:

Dear Census Director:

I trust this comment will find you in good health – both good physical health and mental health.  Frankly, you have created quite a problem for me, and many others, and I don’t how how to handle it without being in violation of your instructions concerning the 2010 Census.  I trust my inquiry will not interfere with your mental health, but I feel compelled to ask a question.  It is based upon the following:

On March 16th I received a letter from you stating, in part (in bold type yet)  “Please complete and mail back the enclosed census form today. ” Clear enough, I opened the census form, and what do I find – Question 1: “How many additional people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2010.” This is creating quite a problem for me – How can I mail back the form on March 20th (as you have instructed) which says how many people are living in my house on April 1.?

I am sure there are others with similar problems, so what do I do?

Please advise.

Thank you, in advance, for your courtesy.

eGrumps

P.S. – Is it true that you are being considered for the chief operating officer for Obamacare? You seem to be well-qualified.

P.P.S. – I am concerned that all the census data will be invalid and that you will have to retake the census, or else it will be illegal. Since, as you have accurately pointed out, this is a serious document and many consequences will follow, i.e. number of congressional seats, and your figures will be based on obviously false data.  What do your legal advisors say?

There was a man of great wealth

Who was in very good health.

It did not matter one whit.

He was still going to be taxed quite a bit.

Because of Obamicare’s provisions –
enacted with great stealth.

(All right, so the limerick is not quite perfect, actually it is not
even close, but you should get the message anyhow. If you have
a better last line, send it to me at egrumps@egrumps.com, and I’ll
give it all the attention it deserves. I might even give you credit, if you
want it, but I’m not sure you’d want your name associated with this site.)

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.

Sacramento, CA, March 8, 2010                                               Exclusive to eGrumps

After Governor Arnold (also known as “The Terminator”)  announced that California was broke (also known as “insolvent”),  he set forth his plan to bring public awareness of the fiscal plight (also known as “blight”) of the great State of California. A spokesperson announced that henceforth “California would be known as the Great Insolvent State of California (also known as GISOC) and all references to California in schools, buildings, news stories and speeches would be changed to “GISOC.” Bids were actively being solicited from licensed contractors to make the necessary cosmetic changes on the buildings.

In addition, the Official Seal of California was being redesigned  to show only San Francisco harbor with a sinking ship being featured. On the bow of the ship, and the transom, the letters “GISOC” would be prominently featured. “It is a graphic way to show our plight” the Spokesperson announced.

The Governor, Members of the Senate and Assembly, who were largely responsible for the insolvency of California, are pictured on the shore with the words “Help, Save our State, PLEASE, we couldn’t do it” featured in bold letters.

When the man-on-the-street was polled about this change, the most common answer was “Are they out of their friggin’ minds?” It would appear that the typical man-on-the-street is smarter than GISOC’s elected officials.

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Washington, D.C., March 4, 2010                                                                          Exclusive to eGrumps

Having recently appointed Scott Matheson, Jr. to fill a judicial vacancy in the Court of Appeals for the Tenth Circuit, the Administration announced that he was fully qualified for this position (which he apparently is) and it was totally irrelevant that his brother, Representative Jim Matheson from Utah, had voted against the Health Care Bill (Obamacare).

The Administration also announced the appointment of a blue-ribbon commission to select other nominees to fill vacant positions within the Administration. A spokesperson said “There are only so many qualified relatives of Democrats who voted against Obamacare to become judges, but there are a substantial number of vacant positions that can be filled by other relatives of the dissenting congresspeople. The Blue Ribbon Commission (“Citizens to Fill Vacancies in the Federal Government”) was having their staff put together a list containing the following information: (1) Democrats who voted against Obamacare, (2) Relatives of those Democrats, and (3) Vacant positions within the federal government. In order to limit the number of relatives, the list included only (a) spouses (b) siblings (c) children (d) grandchildren (e) nieces and nephems and(e) spouses of “b,” “c”  ”d” and”e”. Also included in the list of relatives were creditors of the congressperson who, while not technically “relatives,” could be considered relatives because of the close financial ties between the creditor and the house member. “

“This is a wonderful opportunity to get qualified people to fill vacant jobs who might otherwise not want to work for the Federal Government,” an Administration Spokesperson said, “and the fact that all of them were related to congresspeople who had voted against Obamacare is really not important and is just a minor detail. It’s merely a question of getting qualified people to fill out the ranks of vacant federal jobs in Washington, and almost no pressure will be placed on the congressperson to change his or her vote to favor Obamacare. The Administration certainly would not stoop to “buying votes” for Obamacare. We view this as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get qualified employees. We hope the American people understand our pure non-political motives in this matter.”

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Washington, DC (February 28, 2010)

eGrumps has the complete and final solution to the problem of universal health care. Frankly, I’m surprised the Administration has not put forward this plan:

1. Anyone who doesn’t purchase the mandated health care insurance, will be guilty of a felony, and will be sent to jail – no right of appeal. (Those felons must be kept off of the street so they don’t infect the rest of the law abiding citizens of America with dangerous ideas.)

2. In jail they will receive free medical treatment.

3. Problem solved!

Democrats, Republicans, Independents – are you listening?

The question of buying the insurance or going to jail will be known as the “eGrumps option.”

Washington D. C. February 25, 2010                                                                   Special to eGrumps

In an effort to defuse scathing criticism about the lack of transparency  in the Health Care Deliberations, although promised by Candidate Obama in the presidential election, the White House announced a new policy to make the entire process transparent to the American people (and illegal aliens living in the United States).

A new piece of legislation will be introduced to allow the public to purchase Transparency Credits. These credits would be fully transferable, either by being sold or given to others.  Every owner of  10 Transparency Credits will be given a password to allow him, or her, the right to access, on their individual computers,  the otherwise closed committee meetings. For those individuals who cannot afford the purchase of Transparency Credits, say anyone below 800% of the poverty level, they will receive  an entitlement allowing them to purchase the Credits (or receive additional food stamps — their choice). The amount of time that access will be granted, per credit, was still being worked out. Similarly, whether House Committee meetings, Senate Committee meetings or Combined  Senate-House Committee meetings will cost the same to access was still under discussion. Closed White House Sessions will definitely cost more Transparency Credits, but how much more had not been determined.

A White House spokesman announced. “This is a win-win situation for the American people. President Obama will have fulfilled his campaign promises, the Treasury will receive substantial additional funds from the sale of the Credits, and everyone will know exactly what is going on behind closed doors because the process is now transparent. The President, in his campaign oratory never, ever said transparency would be free, and he hopes the public will recognize that fact – regardless of what the Bloggers of America, or the right-wing press, will tell the American people. He has issued a challenge for anyone to find a quotation where he said transparency will be free. It is a small price for the public to pay in order to gain access to the inner workings of the legislative process and to help reduce the deficit, which was caused by the previous administration.”

The spokesman went on to say: “The President has said that this will be true capitalistic democracy in action, not some wild socialistic scheme. He fully expects a market to develop for the sale of Transparency Credits where people can freely buy or sell the Credits.  Inquiries have been received from many Exchanges for the right to sell these Transparency Credits. The President hopes there will be no price gouging, but he is fully prepared to set price fixing goals if anyone is making too much money off of the Transparency Credit Market.

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In considering Obamacare for the masses (that’s most of you (but not me)) attention has been given to funeral parlors, funeral plots and funeral plans for the 21st century. While not formally a part of Obamacare, an intelligent (?) discussion in the White House, between various czar planners for Obamacare considered the following in order to reduce the population to manageable proportions to cut the total cost of Obamacare:

1. The best way to get somebody to live longer is to lean over and whisper the cost of a funeral in his ear (This will not be included in the law).

2. In California today, some cemeteries offer the deceased perpetual care and an answering service (This is a great idea and will be offered as a fringe benefit to those who want to be patriotic and die young. The government will subsidize the cemeteries offering this extra).

3. You can save money today on a funeral if the mortician has a used box (Great, we can have a subsidy – we’ll call it cash for coffins).

Miscellaneous sayings from “others” which will be included in a special provision in Obamacare to encourage an early demise.

a. In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes – die young and save taxes.

b. Death is just a low chemical trick played upon everybody, why be different, die now before they run out of chemicals.

c. If you could die now, you’d be the happiest man alive (Modified from a comment by Samuel Goldwyn.)

d.  ”To die will be an awfully big adventure.” (James Barrie)

e. “When good men die, their goodness doesn’t perish.” (Euripides)

f. “Of all escape mechanisms, death is the most efficient.” (H. L. Mencken)

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Washington D. C. February 11, 2010                  (exclusive to eGrumps)

Strong criticism has been levied at Governor Pallin’s use of her hand to store crib notes for her speech at the Tea Party Convention. Various reasons for the criticism have been advanced including an allegation that she obviously has Alzheimer’s disease and couldn’t remember the subject of her talk; the use of her left  hand, rather than her right hand, only confirms her desire to conceal her right wing bias; and the fact that her political advisors couldn’t spell more than three words.

The harshest criticism has come from the technophiles (almost all of the Democratic persuasion) that Gov. Palin, and her staff, are technologically obsolete.  One was heard to say “Look, if she knew what she was doing, she would have used teleprompters to have her entire speech prepared in advance. Look how advanced our President is, he never gives a speech without his teleprompters, and never, well, almost never, misspeaks.” One nerd went on to say “It just shows how behind the times Gov. Palin is. If President Obama  can do it, so can Gov. Palin. There would be no criticism of her if only she had used the teleprompter for the whole speech, like our President always does.  Has anyone ever criticized the President for having his entire speech printed out on a machine? As a matter of fact — the President fired his last speech writer for suggesting he have his speech printed out on his hand and shirtsleeves.”

Gov. Palin’s supporters insisted that this showed what an all-American woman Gov. Palin is, holding to old fashioned values, and not succumbing to the the lure of wasteful and expensive technology, when the old programming system works just as well, if not better.

America should be proud of her, not criticize her. It shows her ingenuity to not surrender her core values. One of her advisors was heard to say: “‘Look, if President Obama ever went on a moose hunt with Gov. Palin, he would be absolutely speechless in the wilds, unless a portable teleprompter could be found, and that would have to be packed in on dog sled – and then he would be running the risk that Gov. Palin’s husband would be driving the sled and would reprogram the machine. No – Gov. Palin deserves three loud cheers for her ingenuity.”

Washington, D. C. February 3, 2010               (Leaked to eGrumps by anonymous sources in the White House.)

The Chinese government has suggested it would not be in America’s best interests to meet with the Dalai Lama because, among other things, it would damage “trust and cooperation” between the two countries.

Regardless of the implied threat, the Administration, in an effort to quiet the rising tide of discontent between Las Vegas and the Administration, decided to schedule a meeting with the Dalai Lama in Las Vegas and to invite representatives from the Chinese government to attend. The Administration felt that (1)Chinese officialdom could not turn down a junket to Las Vegas (2)Las Vegas would welcome the visitors brought there by the conference, and (3)the hard feelings between Las Vegas and the President would be settled.

“It’s a trifecta” one Administration official told the enthusiastic Washington press corps. It is truly a win-win-win situation for the world. (The fact that the press would get to accompany the President to Las Vegas had nothing to do with their enthusiasm)

The Administration suggested that the Chinese bring the United States Bonds they owned on the trip and use them for “currency” at the gambling tables. America could back the casinos, and when the Chinese lost their bets, as they surely would, America could buy the Bonds back from the casinos at a very reasonable discount.  America would even pay for the plane fare for the Chinese to come to Vegas, and would allow them to use Nancy Pelosi’s airplane for the trip. The Administration felt Ms. P. would cooperate as long as they comped her, and her 43 person staff, for room and meals in Vegas.

“The whole thing is coming together” the Spokesperson said “how brilliant can our President be with this approach to world diplomacy.” When asked what would happen if the Chinese won at the tables, the spokesman was heard to say: “Never happen! Trust us on that.”

Washington, D. C. (February 2, 2010)           (Not exclusive to eGrumps)

A special slightly schizophrenic alert has been issued:

February 2, 2010: In Nashua, New Hampshire President Obama stated “When times are tough….You don’t blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you’re trying to save for college.” (I think most people know that)

February 2, 2010: In a letter to Senator Reid, President Obama stated “…There is no place better to have fun than Vegas, one of our country’s great destinations. I have always enjoyed my visits, look forward to visiting in a few weeks, and hope folks will visit in record numbers this year.” (presumably not with college tuition money)

Well, he also stated that he was trying to make the point that families use vacation dollars, not college tuition money, to have fun. The first quotation didn’t say anything about using vacation dollars or people having fun with vacation dollars (in Vegas). And why will older people, or people with no children, ever consider not using college tuition money, since there is no need to save for college tuition.

Nothing was said about those parents using college tuition money who win gambling in Vegas. (It does happen) Presumably that’s OK with the Pres.

A spokesperson for the Administration announced it is considering a scholarship plan for the children of any parent who used college tuition money and lost it gambling in Vegas.

An anonymous spokesperson for Las Vegas stated that he hoped the President was not going to use college tuition money for his children when he visits us.

The Las Vegas Resort Board is devising a test to show which money their visitors are using. If it is “college tuition” money – that’s a no-no, and the visitors will be asked to leave after five days. If it is “vacation money,” the visitors will be asked to leave after five days, or whenever their money runs out, whichever is last.

Washington D. C. (January 25, 2010)

Banker’s Salaries: The Administration has come up with a novel, and fair plan concerning banker’s salaries. No bank employee shall receive a salary that is greater than the amount paid to the highest paid professional athlete. If a professional athlete gets paid $35,000,000 a year for throwing a little round ball in a hoop, that’s the most that can be paid to any banker, who doesn’t even have to work up a sweat to receive the maximum amount. It’s objective, it’s fair and a great deal for America. Unlike professional athletic teams where there is a cap on the total amount that can be paid to a team’s athletes, because of the difference in the number of employees working for the various banks, there will be no salary caps per institution, unless, of course, the bankers get greedy.

Tax Increases: Despite the fact that many, many banks have repaid the TARP loans, all of them would be subject to a small tax, to expire in 2065, to make up for those banks who had not repaid their loans. When questioned about such a plan the Spokesperson said “The banks can live with it. It is perfectly fair and in the fine tradition of the American economic system – “All for one and one for all.” a phrase the Administration said, could clearly be traced back to Alexander Dumas and was the inspiration for Karl Marx, a great advocate of fairness in the economic systems of the world. It seemed appropriate under the present circumstances. Repayment of loans by some banks cannot be considered in this context. It is a total irrelevancy”

Additional Scapegoats: “The Administration” he went on to say “is considering additional Scapegoats, who also were 100% responsible for America’s economic woes. Among those being considered are the automobile industry, the insurance industry, the mortgage industry, the American Medical Association, the American Bar Association (excluding trial lawyers) the Flight Attendants Union, FOX News and the Republican Party. Congress will be excluded in considering scapegoats since the Administration feels they had nothing to do with America’s economic problems and merely reflected the will of the people.”

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The Los Angeles Times Business News (January 23, 2010) spotlighted Two (2) major headlines in its Business Section;

1. “Dow posts triple-digit loss again”

and

2. Conan makes way for Jay.”

The third major headline (not on the top of the page, however) was “Signs Point to Exec’s Affair.”

eGrumps says; “That says it all as to why the newspapers are declining : A headline about two TV comics, an executive having an affair (what’s new about that?) and a major decline in the Dow average.  No wonder the Times circulation is falling through the floor – people who want to read about Dow financial info are not going to buy the LA Times, people who are interested in Conan and Jay (assuming some of you know who they are and their importance in then grand business scheme of things) aren’t going to buy the LA Times, and people who are interested in an executive’s amorous affairs aren’t going to buy the LA Times.”

I assume there is no correlation between the Dow falling, Jay and Conan switching air times, and the exec’s affair. If there is, I take it all back and the LA Times gets the eGrumps Business Award of the Year for unearthing a story on which no other media outlet has commented. If there is a correlation, then I suggest Jay and Conan should switch back, the exec should continue his affair — and all of us should go long the Dow.  (But as the SEC warning goes, past performance is no guarantee of future performance)

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Washington, D. C. (Exclusive to Grumps (January 20, 2010)

Four major computer makers, who asked that their names not be divulged since their products were still under development, held a press conference in Washington D. C. announcing the development of a super mini computer for post-death use. The new machines had been designed to fit into a coffin so that the deceased individuals, who spent most of their lives on a computer, could continue spending eternity on the computers.

Software had been designed so that the computers could be connected to the Internet forever. An email program would allow the deceased to connect with other Internet users who were also dead. As far as battery life was concerned, an eternal power supply was a standard feature of the new machines.  No web sites would be blocked, although some concern was expressed about the effect of a dead person going to a porn site, but since the developers would all be dead some day, and they all visited porn sites on a regular basis, they saw no harm in leaving those sites accessible.

Unlike their dead owners, these machines will be decay proof.

Facebook and Twitter will be available, although pictures of the dead, for obvious reasons, could not be uploaded. It was suggested that those types of sites should be accessed pre-death, to post pictures of the computer owners, not post-death.  It was planned to give an educational pamphlet to  each purchaser. They had already been printed in over 59 languages.

To prove the feasibility of these new computers, volunteers were asked to sign up, make out their Wills, leave instructions as to the placement of the computers, and then commit suicide.

Unfortunately, the companies had been unable to design a machine that could be used post-death by those who had been cremated. “We’re working on it,” one of the developers stated, “but the technical problems are immense.”

To say that everyone at the press conference was stunned would be an understatement.

The classification of these new computers:

Eternal Computers.

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Washington, D. C. (January 8, 2010)

(Special to eGrumps) The Department of Homeland Security after an exhaustive review of the “security measures” in place to protect our country is instituting a  novel approach to provide greater security for Americans. Legal Aliens, and Illegal Aliens residing in the United States. Citing the difficulty in not providing security for those here illegally, without violating their rights, the Department concluded that the same protection would be afforded for all. “It’s the American way,” a spokesperson said. “besides, the President has been told that some of the ‘undocumented workers’ even pay taxes (once they are caught and about to be deported). What’s fair is fair.”

The new “see-through” scanners would not have caught the Underwear Bomber, despite their enormous cost. “We are purchasing them anyhow,” the spokesperson said  ”because some of the terrorists might not be smart enough to realize they don’t really work too well and many of them cannot read the spec sheets put out by the manufacturers. It’s  a calculated risk, and it might work, but in any event is well worth the millions of dollars the machines cost. If they don’t prove effective, we can always resell them to the legal brothels in Los Vegas in order to provide them a quick way to screen their customers and determine which male customer should be paired up (almost said “fitted”) with which female employee. We could even make a profit on the resale.”

Having said that, the spokesman then disclosed the new machine that will be purchased. After reading the news stories about the “Fort Hood Bomber,” and the “Underwear Bomber” the investigators all concluded that there was a “failure to connect the dots.” Even President Obama, he of the open and transparent government, stated that there was a “failure to connect the dots.”

“Our new machine,” the spokesperson said is a “Connect The Dots Machine. If it had been in place, the Fort Hood shooter would have been caught in a preemptive strike and the Underwear Bomber wouldn’t even have been allowed to board the airplane. It’s what we have been missing – a ‘Connect the Dots Machine.’ It’s virtually foolproof when correctly programmed.”

When asked about details of the machine and how it worked the spokesperson merely grinned and said release of the details are on a need to know basis, and if the ‘terrorists,” enemy combatants’ and ‘bad’  guys knew of the technology involved, they could take steps to circumvent the high-tech circuitry that these machines employ.”  ”As soon as the Administration feels it is safe to release the details” the spokesperson stated that “The President would go on C-Span so that America would know all about these machines. and how they work. even President Obama has stated ‘Trust me on this, would I ever promise to go on C-Span and not do it, and this time I don’t have my fingers crossed.”

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Would you read a book that had the following review?

“Money Shot is a stunner, careening along with a wild, propulsive energy and a deliciously incendiary spirit. Laced with bravado and loaded up with knockout charm, Christa Faust’s Money Shot debut is the literary equivalent of a gasoline cocktail.”

Actually, the grammar isn’t quite right. “Christa Faust’s Money Shot debut…” leaves something to be desired in the grammar department. It would seem to imply that there will be a Christa Faust’s Money Shot Two, which there isn’t. Probably should have said Christa Faust’s debut novel, Money Shot…..” but what the heck, the reviewer is a professional writer, not me — yet.

“deliciously incendiary spirit?” I like that. It’s better than a sour tasting incendiary spirit. But then, if it is truly incendiary, who cares whether it is delicious or not. Maybe the reference to a gasoline cocktail came from “deliciously incendiary.” – you think?

The Book — Money Shot by Christa Faust.

If you’re interested, I suggest you buy it right away, because it is careening along with a wild propulsive energy, and you might want to get it before it stops careening having run out of wild, propulsive energy.

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Washington, D. C. (January 1, 2010)

After considering various options for the trial of the alleged terrorist (the “Underwear  Bomber”) the DOJ decided to indite him on indecent exposure. Citing the difficulties in getting a conviction for acts of terrorism, attempted murder, and bad-conduct on an airplane, career political (and senior) attorneys from the Department of Justice , after conferring with The President, the Vice-President, the Secretary of State and the head of the Department of Homeland Security (“Security Czar”), not to mention all four members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the Head of the CIA, the Head of the FBI, and the Terrorism Unit of the Detroit Police Department – and yours truly, eGrumps  - decided that the only sure way to get a conviction was to drop all charges except Indecent Exposure. All agreed, except for eGrumps, who was  the lone dissenting voice.

It was felt this would be a slam-dunk conviction because of the way he tried to remove, and was somewhat successful,  his trousers while on a public conveyance.  A conviction on the other charges was “iffy.” A spokesperson said “America is a land of true justice and compassion, civil liberties, and all-around good people, so a conviction on this narrow ground would show the efficacy of our legal system and the forgiveness of the American people. Besides, it was almost certain that a Release could be gotten for the unprovoked actions of a fellow passenger in attacking the Underwear Bomber and protect the USA from any future liability for damages. The savings alone could be well worth a trial on this legal theory.”

When asked as to the severity of the sentence the Underwear Bomber would receive, the spokesman said he thought the Federal Criminal Code provided a maximum sentence of six months, with time off for good behavior.  ”After all, it’s not like he blew up the plane,” the spokesman said.

“This should put the fear of God (oops, Allah) into any would be terrorists. Our prisons are no trip to the beach, you know. No color television, no private cells, no computer access to email, Facebook or Twitter, no cell phones, no iPods, no access to almost anything worth while these days. This will be really rough on him.” he stressed.

The official report from the Committee stressed that this should act as a suitable deterrent, and serve as a lesson to the Underwear Bomber and his friends.  Justice has been served.

President Obama reviewed all evidence from his golf cart in Hawaii and fully concurred with this result. After all, he stated, this was an “Isolated Instance.” We must build bridges to earn the friendship of our terrorist friends, and it is up to us to take the first step. The United Nations should be proud, and I want to pledge $5,000,000,000 from the United States to investigate the root cause of terrorism, poverty, and what can be done to solve this problem.

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