Washington, D. C. (January 1, 2010)

After considering various options for the trial of the alleged terrorist (the “Underwear  Bomber”) the DOJ decided to indite him on indecent exposure. Citing the difficulties in getting a conviction for acts of terrorism, attempted murder, and bad-conduct on an airplane, career political (and senior) attorneys from the Department of Justice , after conferring with The President, the Vice-President, the Secretary of State and the head of the Department of Homeland Security (“Security Czar”), not to mention all four members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the Head of the CIA, the Head of the FBI, and the Terrorism Unit of the Detroit Police Department – and yours truly, eGrumps  - decided that the only sure way to get a conviction was to drop all charges except Indecent Exposure. All agreed, except for eGrumps, who was  the lone dissenting voice.

It was felt this would be a slam-dunk conviction because of the way he tried to remove, and was somewhat successful,  his trousers while on a public conveyance.  A conviction on the other charges was “iffy.” A spokesperson said “America is a land of true justice and compassion, civil liberties, and all-around good people, so a conviction on this narrow ground would show the efficacy of our legal system and the forgiveness of the American people. Besides, it was almost certain that a Release could be gotten for the unprovoked actions of a fellow passenger in attacking the Underwear Bomber and protect the USA from any future liability for damages. The savings alone could be well worth a trial on this legal theory.”

When asked as to the severity of the sentence the Underwear Bomber would receive, the spokesman said he thought the Federal Criminal Code provided a maximum sentence of six months, with time off for good behavior.  ”After all, it’s not like he blew up the plane,” the spokesman said.

“This should put the fear of God (oops, Allah) into any would be terrorists. Our prisons are no trip to the beach, you know. No color television, no private cells, no computer access to email, Facebook or Twitter, no cell phones, no iPods, no access to almost anything worth while these days. This will be really rough on him.” he stressed.

The official report from the Committee stressed that this should act as a suitable deterrent, and serve as a lesson to the Underwear Bomber and his friends.  Justice has been served.

President Obama reviewed all evidence from his golf cart in Hawaii and fully concurred with this result. After all, he stated, this was an “Isolated Instance.” We must build bridges to earn the friendship of our terrorist friends, and it is up to us to take the first step. The United Nations should be proud, and I want to pledge $5,000,000,000 from the United States to investigate the root cause of terrorism, poverty, and what can be done to solve this problem.

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Washington D. C. December 14, 2009                               (Satirical News from eGrumps)

The organizers of the “Who I Would Least Like to be Stranded With on a Tropical Island” contest announced that they have discontinued the contest. Votes will no longer be accepted.

It was stated that the tally was so one-sided, that the issue was no longer in doubt and they decided to announce the winner without waiting for further votes.

The spokesperson issued the following news release: “It is with a great deal of pride that we announce that Americans have finally found a common ground  - Conservatives and Liberals,  Straights and Gay, men and women, have finally come together and agreed upon something, the winner: Nancy Pelosi – the person with whom they would least like to be stranded with on a tropical island. Congratulations Madam Speaker. However, it should be pointed out that Tiger Wood has said he did not agree and would personally visit the island with her – if they had a golf course.”

Neither Ms. Pelosi nor any spokesperson from her office would issue a comment. One anonymous voter suggested that she should accept her award on the tropical island, but since she had not been heard from concerning this singular honor, it was felt not proper to suggest she attend the award ceremony.

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When the police investigated Tiger Woods accident, he should have told them the  complete truth.

“Officer I was merely driving out of my driveway when this fire-plug moved directly in front of my car and ran right into the front of my car. It must have been drinking to behave so erratically. It was not my fault.”

“Look, it was not like Chappaquiddick with Ted Kennedy driving the car. There was no girl asleep in the back seat like there was when he ran his car into the water and the girl drowned. That was a real tragedy. Actually, this crazy lady was chasing me with a golf club. Maybe she scared the fire-plug.It wasn’t until some time later that I learned it was my wife chasing me with the eight-iron to tell me I had forgotten to put it in my golf bag. “

“Officer, tell me, do you think this will hurt my golf career and my product endorsements? Please be honest with me. Look what Chappaquiddick did with Ted Kennedy’s image and his desire to become President. People do exaggerate these little incidents.”

“I wonder if the company that makes Viagra needs a celebrity to endorse their product?”

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Washington D.C. — December 5, 2009               (Satirical Comedy (+/-)  by eGrumps)

Anonymous Congressional staffers have presented a solution to America’s concern about a government run health-care system. Meeting in private, in the “Conspiracy Room” in the White House basement, they considered various ways to alleviate the very obvious concern of Americans toward a plan that would nationalize 1/6th of the American economy. No minutes were kept and the participants insisted upon anonymity.

eGrumps, was sworn to secrecy, as to the identities of the participants, but he was assured that they represented very, very high people in government. Knowing the reputation of those with whom he met, he had complete confidence in the reliability of what he was told.

Basically, in order to quell dissent and to insure Congressional passage,     Read more…

Washington, D.C. (December 1, 2009)   (Satirical Comment by eGrumps)

Seeking to follow the lead of that great leader of the English people during World War II, President Obama borrowed from the words of Winston Churchill to rally the American people behind his policy in Afghanistan.

“We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Afghanistan,
We shall fight on the seas and oceans.
We shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength.
We shall fight on the beaches.
We shall fight on the landing grounds.
We shall fight in the fields and in the streets.
We shall fight in the hills.
We shall never surrender.

For not less than eighteen months until we withdraw from Afghanistan.
I hope that doesn’t screw up my Nobel Peace Prize.”

All right, President Obama didn’t use those exact words . The White House knows there are no seas or oceans anywhere close to Afghanistan. Their research staff found out that there can be no beaches without seas or oceans, so that also was not included.

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Washington D. C., November 27, 2009              (Commentary from eGrumps)

eGrumps is proud to announce his highly prized “Senator-of-The-Year Award  – NOT” (so far)  to North Dakota Senator Kent Conrad for his comment about those opposed to trying KSM in a civilian court in New York City. It seems he feels Read more…

eGrumps, the owner of the other subprime web site, http://pithycomments.com, has generously not objected to our posting the following which we stole from him, which he, of course,  stole from others.

It’s Thanksgiving – hooray!! By special dispensation from eGrumps, all diets are automatically suspended until Friday, November 27, 2009. I knew you were waiting for that before you pig out today.

Many of you who drop in to this web site are from countries other than America. I hope you’ll join us in celebrating this holiday. Like my wife said about our marriage, no matter how bad things are, they can always get worse. (That’s hard to believe, at least about our marriage. ).

eGrumps wife is a great cook. Using a new recipe his wife put the turkey in aluminum foil. She had to roast it till it was brown. Twenty hours later the aluminum foil was still silver.

An optimist is a person who starts a diet on Thanksgiving day.

Thanksgiving is America’s chow-down feast, the one occasion in the year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.

The first turkeys were not wild. They just went crazy when they found out what we intended to do with them.

Last Thanksgiving eGrumps wife cooked a turkey in the microwave oven. We had to eat at seven-thirty in the morning.

Thanksgiving is a day when the turkey gets stuffed in the morning, and the family gets stuffed in the afternoon.

The Puritans celebrated Thanksgiving day to commemorate being saved from the Indians.  We continue to celebrate it to commemorate being saved from the Puritans.

After Thanksgiving dinner, the man who has trouble making ends meet ought to get himself a longer belt.

Thanksgiving is a day off that is usually followed by an off day.

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FOR MORE MURPHY ON SEX, GO TO HTTP://pithycomment.com – You have probably deduced that eGrumps
has been accused of being fixated on the subject of this posting, hence more of the same on the
pithycomment.com  web site, his other subprime website. “Fixated” is probably too strong a work, but maybe not.
Please don’t tell Mrs. eGrumps. Fortunately she is computer illiterate (I think) and besides, she thinks I am
fixated on the subject – she should only know.

1. Nothing improves with age (except good wine).

2.  No matter how many times you have had it, if it is offered, take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.

3. Sex has no calories.

4. No sex with anyone in the same office (This rule is occasionally ignored)

5. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself (This rule is also occasionally ignored.).

6. Never say no.

7. There may be some things better than sex, and somethings worde than sex. But – there is nothing exactly like it.

8. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

Remember http:/pithycomment.com for more on this fascinating subject.

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Washington, D. C. (November 15, 2009)                                   ( Comment by eGrumps)

On November 6, 2009, Major Hassan, shouting “Allahu Akabar” opened fire with one or more weapons killing 13 and wounding about 35 more. There is no question Major Nasan was the shooter. He was gunned down in the act while holding at least one weapon in his hand.

Why is he an “alleged gunman.” He was the shooter. There is no factual argument about it.

So why does President Obama say “There is an ongoing investigation into this terrible tragedy…That investigation will look at the motives of the alleged gunman…” Why do so many others use the word “alleged.” His motives may be questioned, (Maybe he grew up as an abused youth with a drunken father, and hence his actions excused under some modern “civilized” views) (Maybe he was legally insane when he did the shooting)(Maybe he was…..(you can make that up any way you want to))  Maybe he has legal defenses as to whether or not he was a murderer. Personally, I doubt that he has any legal defenses, but that has nothing to do whether he was the gunman.

HE WAS NOT AN ALLEGED GUNMAN. HE WAS THE GUNMAN, PLAIN AND SIMPLE. So why is he called an alleged gunman? Damned if I know.

Has Political Correctness gone so far that we cannot say the truth – he was the gunman. Facts are facts.

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Washington, D. C. November 6, 2009                        (Sarcastic Comment by eGrumps)

The new Obamacare – Pelosicare – Reidcare (take your pick) is creating a massive dilemma for most Americans, including yours truly.

No, I am not talking about the fact that the length of the bill exceeds the guidelines posted by President Obama (see my comment of 10/30/09) in that it now has passed the 2,000 page mark. Frankly, it is just as hard to read a 2,200 page bill as a 1,900 page bill. The 2,000 page limit was a guideline, that’s all, and no one ever expected that arbitrary guideline to hold. It’s sort of like New Orleans and Katrina, once the levees broke, there was no holding back the water.

The real dilemma, of monumental proportions, is this. Most of America has a headache just contemplating the size, complexity and ultimate      Read more…

Washington D. C., October 30, 2009                    (Sarcastic Comment by eGrumps)

The White House (“WH”) proudly announced that the Health Care Bill (“Obamacare”) presented by Speaker Pelosi to the American people met all governmental criteria.  More important than the size of the fiscal deficit that would follow the bill, assuming it becomes law, was the physical size of the Bill.

The White House has always had two criteria: (1) the cost to the American fiscal system could not exceed $1,000,000,000,000 and (2) the physical size of the bill could not exceed 2,000 pages. Speaker Pelosi deserves much credit for bringing the bill in at 1990 pages.         Read more…

Washington D.C. , October 28, 2009              (Special to eGrumps)

A Washington Insider, who asked to remain anonymous, confirmed the fact that the Treasury Department, The Federal Reserve Board, President Obama and the Tsars and the rest of the White House staff had  received  requests for TARP funds from a “red light” establishment.

Madam XXXX (who also asked her name to be withheld) requested a substantial sum of money from TARP. She reportedly said that funds from the Troubled Ass Recovery Plan money should be “given” to her establishment. When told the  ”A” stood for “Asset,” She stated “Ass, asset, what’s the difference, one person’s ass is another persons asset. Her girls really qualified and they needed help, Basically their ass was their only asset. ”     Read more…

Washington, D. C.   October 26, 2009

Dear Csar (aka czar, aka tsar) Feinberg:

I have not had a response from you replying to my letter of October 22, 2009 which was posted on www.egrumps.com.  I can only assume the duties of your office, setting appropriate pay for millions of Americans (and foreigners (legal and illegal) working in America) has not left you with enough time to respond.

Rather than wait for a reply, I decided to take the bull      Read more…

Even eGrumps’ Mother (age 92) is getting caught up in the digital age. She told him: “You don’t write. You don’t call. You don’t FAX. You don’t email.  You don’t text. If it weren’t for www.egrumps.com and www.pithycomment.com I’d never hear from you”

Washington D. C., October 22, 2009    

Dear Mr. Feinberg.

I understand that you are the Pay Csar for the United States of America and are charged with setting executive compensation for those companies that have received government funds. While I am not sure of the pay cap on the salaries that you will allow to be paid, it has been quoted at $500,000 per annum (If you don’t understand Latin, Mr. F., that means “per year,” but I suspect you knew that).

I am waiting, here at eGrumps Enterprises, for government funds  so that I can pay myself  a salary. Read more…

The best one-line jokes on the web can be found at:

www.pithycomment.com

Another sub-prime web site from eGrumps
Updated Daily
(usually)(well, usually) 

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Undisclosed Location, 10/20/09     (Satirical comment by eGrumps)

Meeting at a secret time and at an undisclosed location by the Anonymous Selection Selectors committee (affectionately known as the ASS committee) selected their recipient of  THE LEBON award. This was the first meeting of the ASS committee in recorded history, although some Members felt there must have been unrecorded history somewhere setting forth the historical origins of the ASS committee.

THE LEBON award is given each year to that individual who has done less for humanity during the preceding year.    Read more…

Washington, D. C. October 19, 2009        (Satirical eGrumps Comment)

In case you missed it, FOX News has been defrocked by the White House, claiming it is an arm of the Republican Party. No such allegation has been leveled against the eGrumps News Network – at least so far. Of course there is no network – so far.

In order to level the playing fields, so to speak, and to help the competitive spirit of our main stream media – MSNBC, CBS, ABC, CNN are generally perceived not to be arms of the Republican party.  But – that’s 4 to 1 against FOX,  Read more…

Washington, D. C. October 16, 2009   (Commentary by eGrumps)

EGrumps, in his constant search for “truth,” came across the following headlines, on the Internet which represent the conclusions of the authors of the articles, not necessarilly the conclusions or the words of either Professsor Chomsky or  Mr. Limbaugh.

1.” Noam Chomsky compares Right-Wing media to Nazi Germany.”

2.” Rush Limbaugh compares Democrats to Nazis. “

While I haven’t exactly found this, yet, on the Internet, eGrumps believes the Editorial Boards of       Read more…

Washington, D. C., October 10, 2009    (Satirical Comment by eGrumps)

President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for trying to bring peace to the world. His staff expressed surprise, but there is little doubt that all 34 Czars appointed by President Obama submitted his nomination to the Committee. An anonymous Czar stated that the rumor that the President was going to share the $1,400,000 prize with the Czars was not true. He promised to share only one-half, and then only on condition he would get the Prize in his first year in office.   An aide said the President was “totally surprised,” and while he knew he would get it in two or three years, he did not expect it this soon.     Read more…