(Washington, D. C., July 1, 2009)  (exclusive to eGrumps)

President Obama has released a tenative list of the countries that are on his meddle/do not meddle list.

Stressing the fact that this list was a work-in-process and could be modified as events dictated, the following countries were listed:

Never Meddle: (i) Iran, (ii)Venezuela (iii) Cuba and (iv) Saudi Arabia.

Sometimes Meddle/Sometimes Not Meddle: Honduras (if the Dictator is reinstated to the position from which he was removed for not following the Constituion of Honduras, this will go in the “Do not Meddle” category. If he is forced to remain in exile, then America may “meddle.”

Always Meddle: (i) Israel and (ii) California (although technicalally not a Country, the very size of CA and it’s economic importance makes it necessary to include it in this category.)

The President assured the American poeople that it was necsary to draw the meddle/do not meddle  line at some point, even though it may result in some unwanted consequences in order to protect Ameria’s interests. As one unnamed Administration Spokesperson said: “Trust us on this.”

(Columbia, South Carolina, June 30, 2009) (Exclusive to eGrumps)

Mark Sanford, Governor of South Carolina, apologized today to (i) his wife and family, (ii) the people of South Carolina, and (iii) the United States Labor Department and Trade Representatives. Expressing great regret, Gov. Sanford stated how sorry he was that he had not kept jobs at home rather than exporting them to Argentina. He realized, he said, how many women in So. Carlina with whom he could have had affairs. There was absolutely no need to seek out foreign talent, and this failure to consider the big picture of America’s trade deficit pained him deeply. I don’t think it will happen again, one of his aides said, but his staff voted 12 to 9 that it would happen again. His secretary won the pool for correctly guessing the final outcome.

While the Governor talked to the press, in the background could be heard a song playing again and again: “Don’t cry for me Argentina” from Evita.  

eGrumps, at the press conference, suggested he could improve the balance of payment problem by bring a few Argentine women to the United States. In the new spirit of international cooperation, eGrumps volunteered to conduct the job interviews in Argentina. Gov. Sanford said he would get back to him shortly.

The definition of politics as  currently being practiced in Washington. 

Politics: The art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then applying the wrong remedies.

Washington D.C., June 25, 2009 (exclusive to eGrumps)

Congressperson Barney Frank (D, Mass.) now Chairman of the House Financial Services Committee has asked both Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to loosen up their lending standards for mortgages on new condominiums. It wasn’t too long ago that Congressperson Frank said he was willing to roll the dice with Fannie and Freddie and he saw no problem with their almost non-existent lending standards. Well, the dice were rolled, and the American taxpayers lost, big time.

Now, not having learned his lesson with loose lending standards for Fannie and Freddie, old Barney wants to repeat his mistake. It is truly too bad that the American taxpayers have had to pay for the past stupidity of people like Barney Frank. Now - he wants us to pay again if (that should be “when”) the house of cards collapses once again. 

As the American philosopher, George Santayana, said: “Those who do not learn the lessons of history, are doomed to repeat its mistakes”

If this weren’t so serious, it could be considered funny. With all due respect, Congressperson Frank, I think you are a certified idiot.

For his good judgment, superior reasoning, and outstanding talent to forget, Barney Frank gets the eGrumps First Annual History de javu Award.

(Washington D.C. June 20, 2009)(exclusive to eGrumps)

The Administration, when asked at a press conference what factors they had used in determining whether America would “meddle” in the internal affairs of other countries gave a quite satsifactory explanation, they said.  Pressed as to why America has said it would not “meddle” in Iran, but apparently would “meddle”  in Israel, the spokesman replied to the Press Corps as follows:

“The Administration has been quite consistent following the criteria that was developed. Basically we did it on an Alphabetical Basis. We decided not to meddle in the countries whose first initial was between “A” and “Ir.”  As you can see, Iran fit the “non-meddle” group, and Israel just missed the cut. It was in the “meddle” category. I hope that shows the logical basis the President has followed. Nothing was arbitrary. It was all done fairly and openly based upon a set standard. I hope that answers your question No further questions.”

          Update: Finally on the afternoon of June 20, 2009, President Obama jumped off the fence and issued the following statement:

“The Iranian government must understand that the world is watching. We mourn each and every innocent life that is lost. We call on the Iranian government to stop all violent and unjust actions against its own people. The universal rights to assembly and free speech must be respected, and the United States stands with all who seek to exercise those rights.

As I said in Cairo, suppressing ideas never succeeds in making them go away. The Iranian people will ultimately judge the actions of their own government. If the Iranian government seeks the respect of the international community, it must respect the dignity of its own people and govern through consent, not coercion.

Martin Luther King once said - “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.” I believe that. The international community believes that. And right now, we are bearing witness to the Iranian peoples’ belief in that truth, and we will continue to bear witness.”

I might have said it differently, but thank you, Mr. President.
eGrumps

 

 

 

(Los Angeles, CA, June 15, 2009)(Exclusive to eGrumps)

At a press conference held in Los Angeles, CA today, eGrumps presented his solution to the problem that is tearing apart the fabric of American society. The problem, eGrumps said, is the clash between those who favor traditional values and believe that a marriage should be between a man and woman, or vice versa, a woman and a man, and those who have more “liberal” values and believe the all people are created equal and are entitled to equal protection and rights under the U. S. Constitution, and therefore a marriage can also be between two men or between two women. The two views are, quite frankly, incompatible, at least up until now.

eGrumps told the assembled reporters and cameramen that he had invited a number of prominent politicians to attend, but all had declined. He felt that was truly sad since there was a solution to reconcile the apparently irreconcilable difference of opinion.

eGrumps proposed that the State should adopt a policy of allowing gay marriages every other year and regular marriages either every year, or, should the gays feel that was still was not fair, in every other year.

Therefore - under his proposal gays could marry in odd numbered years and straights could marry either in all years or in even numbered years. The selection of odd years for gay marriages seemed appropriate, he said. “It’s fair to all couples, odd for gays and even for straights.” Who can object to that.

The sanctity of marriage will be preserved, at least in even numbered years. The rights of homosexuals to marry will be created, at least in odd numbered years. “It is truly a win, win stituation, and I am surprised no one had ever thought of it before. I am sure the President will approve of this. The Governors of the various States should not disapprove.” It had been suggested that a large marriage tax should be imposed, thus curing California’s, and the rest of the states’ budget deficits, but that was still under discussion and probably best left to the discretion of the individual states.

eGrumps also announced the formation of a blue ribbon committee to determine whether to legitimize marriages between one man, say, and two or more women and between one woman and two or more men. Marriages between two men and two women, sort of a mass marriage, are under consideration.He didn’t think, he said, that the governor wanted any more trouble from those desiring a polygamous arrangement so a solution will be found. 

(Washington D. C., June 11, 2009) (exclusive to eGrumps)

On March 14, 2009 eGrumps reported on  requiring enemy combatants to be given Miranda rights.

The story (emphasis added) was as follows:

“Enemy and Friendly Combatants

(Washington D.C, June 8, 2009) (exclusive to eGrumps)

President Obama has come up with a plan to satisfy The United State’s debt to China. Expressing his concern over how this debt would ever be repaid, he has come up with an ingenious solution which, he said, was a win-win solution.

In complete cancellation of America’s debt to China, he has proposed giving then California. That would reduce the need to bail-out California and eliminate the need to repay China. It is an ideal solution to these problems.

As to whether China would want California with their debt, why not?  They can certainly run California better than it has been run. As for the cooperation of California’s strong labor unions, if they are assured by China that their contracts will be honored, they certainly would go along with this.

This may, indeed, be a model that can be followed now and in the future. America will sell off its states to finance its growing deficits. Despite the fact that California voted overwhelmingly for his election, President Obama was sure the good people of California would understand. He felt it was their patriotic duty to assist the United States. He promised to institute free Chinese language programs, immediately, in all of California’s schools and to commence the distribution of free chopsticks so that Californians could become familiar with their operation before the actual transfer of California.

(Washington, D. C., June 6, 2009)(exclusive to eGrumps)

The administration proudly announced that their proposed health care plan was financially very feasible. “This plan will work” said one spokesperson (who asked for anonynimity). Those who object to the plan have not considered the plan to reduce costs by limiting, or else reducing certain procedures. While the scope of the limited procedures has not been finalized, the elimination of  the procedures will be based on the age of the recipient. The older the person is, the less that will be authorized with a cut-off date of all treatments beginning at age 103. That will be progressively reduced, so that by 2010, the cut-off date will be age ninety. By 2011, the cut off date will be eighty, and so. There is no truth to the rumor that by 2018, the cut-off  age will be thirty-five. That probably will not come, they said until 2020. The administration was considering a lower cut-off date for those illegal aliens who will be entitled to full benefits.

Everyone, regardless of age, will get free aspirin to help with pain management.

This who do not endorse the plan are very poor sports, and, indeed, not patriotic.

There is no truth to rumor that “obese” people will not qualify. “Look,” the spokesman said, “If they don’t want to take care of themselves, the government must.”

In order to make this fair to everyone, no one can opt-out of coverage. It simply would not be fair, they said, to allow the rich to pay for their own health care and save their lives, unless, of course, the patient is a big political contributor to the political party in power. This will be called the “political exemption” and the scope of the exemption will be determined by the President. There will be no right of appeal.

Free burial service will be offered in government-run cemeteries.

The plan has been unanimously endorsed by everyone under the age of 25.

The plan is based upon the plan in the movie “Soylent Green,” and the science fiction novel “Make Room! Make Room!” by Hary Harrison. Both excellent examples of how such a plan will work.

eGrumps never drinks alcohol because he doesn‘t think
it right to drink in front of the children.
And, when he’s away from the children, he doesn’t feel a need to drink alcohol

(Sacramento,CA, June 2,2009)(Exclusive to eGrumps)

In order to help solve the severe water shortage in the State of California, the Governor announced the formation of a new Shower Pool Department (”SPD”). The SPD would function like the existing car pool department. Each person who would like to take a shower with one or more other persons will register with the SPD, giving certain preferences for shower pooling, and the SPD will attempt to match up shower poolers. There will be no charge for the service.

The reduction in water usage, by having two or more people shower together, will be substantial and will once again establish California in the forefront of clean environmental standards.

A preliminary draft of the questionnaire is as follows:

1. Name and Address:_______________________________________
2. Are you over the age of 18?:________________________________
3. Are you a man or a woman?:______ Would you like to shower with more than one person?:___________If so, how many?:_________________________
4. How about pet animals. Do you want to wash them in the shower at the same time?:
 If so, please give the breed of the animal, whether it has been neutered, and its
 weight and height.______________________________________________
5. What time of the day works for you?:___________________________________
6.  Do you prefer showering with men, or women, or both (or don’t you
 give a damn?:______________________________________________________
7. Do you like your shower water hot, medium or cold?:______________________
8. What type of soap do you prefer.______________________________________
9. Do you want to shave or shampoo in the shower, if so - which?:______________
 Would you mind if your shower mate shaves or shampoos in the shower?____________
10. Do you have any kinky preferences that you will be looking for in your shower mate? If    so, what are they?:______
11. Do you expect your shower partner to wash your back?____Would you mind washing the back
of your shower partner?:_______

Kindly submit a picture, naked or fully clothed - your choice. Except for sending the picture to other potential shower partners, or posting it on the web so others may see you, your picture
will be held in a confidential manner.

The Governor stated that he thought this was a real breakthrough in the green revolution. As we have saved gasoline by our car pool system, so we will save water in our shower pool system. Please sign up with the SPD at your earliest convenience so we can get this off and running.

(Sacramento, CA, May 31,2009)(exclusive to eGrumps)

In a desperate attempt to avoid bankruptcy, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, announced that the golden state of California was looking for a merger partner. He stated “Although we may be slightly tarnished because of a few small financial problems, California would make a great acquisition for another state,  a sovereign country or even a private organization. We have hired a mergers & acquisition specialist to assist us in this search. Lehman Brothers was the logical choice, but to show our financial acumen, after hiring them for Twenty Million Dollars, they went bankrupt. California tried, and they can’t be faulted for that. “

“We have considerd asking the government to intervene, but then, we are the government. “

“My Chief of Staff has called  President Obama’s office to inquire further, and they did seem somewhat interested. They suggested we call the UAW to see if they will take over management of California if the federal government would provide the needed cash inflow to California.  Needless to say, we are actively pursuing this. They seemed to think it could function like the Chrysler bailout and all the US had to do was cancel the franchises of statehood previous awarded to other states.

There seems to be no reason the United Auto Workers could not run California, at least as well as the legislature and the Governor has. I think the Feds have enough money to bail California out, and I am sure the People of California will not mind whatever conditions they impose.  Indeed, if the UAW takes over the schools and universities, its young people will probably get a better education. If the UAW takes over governmental services, our citizens would probably get a more efficient government. It seems to be a win-win situation.

Gov. Schwarzenegger said he was sure the People would be happy, as long as they didn’t raise taxes.

Washington D.C, May 29, 2009 (Exclusive to eGrumps)

In an effort to fill out the Cabinet of Czars, President BHO appointed a  new Cyber Czar whose job it will be to protect cyberspace from foreign based attacks on the American computer communication infrastructure, thus protecting the security of the United States.

In addition domestic attacks on the computer communication infrastructure will be investigated and also shut down under certain circumstances. While the criteria has not been established as to the scope of powers given to this Czar, The  Obama spokesperson stated that there is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Internet criticisms of the Obama Administration will be considered a domestic terror attack and those web sites will be shut down.

However, having said that, Internet statements such as “I hope Obama’s plans do not succeed” will be considered as an attack on America security (even from a domestic source) since one of his plans is to protect America from foreign Internet terrorist attacks and if someone doesn’t want that plan to succeed it will be considered a direct cyberspace attack on the United States.  

The logic is inescapable.

Before making his nomination, President BHO read Hamlet’s Soliloquy:

“To empathize, or not to empathize, is that the criteria I use?
Whether ’tis nobler in the view of the populace to have a judge that empathizes
Or take arms against a sea of voters.
And by opposing end the problem no matter what the voters say?
To die politically, to sleep
No more, and by a sleep to say I end the problem.
The heart-aches and the thousand natural shocks
That I am heir to, ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished - to die politically, to sleep
To sleep; perchance to dream,; ay,
there’s the rub.

There is no truth to the rumor that he made his selection after having a nightmare.

On April 12, 2009, after North Korea’s first missile launch, I wrote the following:
“President Obama decided to take affirmative action against North Korea today. Expressing great admiration for the United Nations for planning to adopt a “presidential statement” on Monday condemning North Korea for their missile launch, he has ordered 100,000 paper copies of the U N Statement when it is adopted. He issued the following statement: “I have ordered the United States Air Force to stand by on full alert to make paper airplanes out of the pieces of  paper we have ordered from the U N.  These paper airplanes will soon be launched against North Korea at a time and place of America’s choosing,” he said. “The North Koreans will be deluged with our paper airplanes which should, if my security council analysis is correct (and when have they ever been wrong),  completely paralyze the whole North Korean economy. That will teach them to never again deny the United Nations. We stand ready, willing and able to carry out the mandate of the UN.  This shows the value of international cooperation. The U N shall prevail”

Kim Il Sung issued the following statement. “Capitalist Pigs - we stand ready to defend the sovereign integrity of our country. We have ordered 100,000 paper shredders which, as this statement is being issued, are being deployed around the country.  We have repeatedly said that America is a paper tiger, and this wholly unprovoked action by America only proves the truth of our statement.  If these paper airplanes ever reach our shores, we stand ready to destroy the whole American paper air force.  We shall prevail!”

May 26, 2009.
Apparently the NK chief honcho didn’t take it seriously because they successfully defeated our paper airplane attack. Now NK has shot off more missiles and tested a nuclear device. After considering the results of their last reaction to America’s actions, Pres. BHO ordered the Army, Navy, Air Force and Coast Guard, plus the Marines, (and the boy and girl scouts) to come up with a new plan. The Joint Chiefs decided the reason the  old plan didn’t work was that their paper shredders overcame our paper airplanes. They concluded we needed more paper airplanes and ordered the production of 250,000 paper airplanes, this time they were to be treated with an ingredient to cause rashes and itching.. As the Chief of Staff put it, if  we can’t drop a paper airplane down the air shaft of their nuclear facility, at least we will overwhelm them with shredded paper. If it should rain after our avalanche of paper airplanes, so much the better. NK will be under soggy paper which will have no use whatsoever. Our intelligence experts concluded that one of the reasons the first paper airplane attack didn’t work was because those that weren’t shredded were used for toilet paper - if the new ones are soggy - the results will be self-evident. If we treat the paper, and enough escape their shredders, they will develop rashes, and they will probably scratch themselves to death.  American ingenuity will win the day.

President Obama stated “Public opinion be damned, America must, and will, attack — as soon as it rains.”

The Army has a toast:  “To Absent Friends.”

As I drove  past the National Veterans Administration Cemetery yesterday, I saw hundreds of boy and girl scouts, with their leaders, placing a flag on each grave.

While driving past it today, I saw thousands of American flags, one flying over each grave, I thought of that long forgotten toast. While some of the persons who are buried there may not have died while on active duty, they all served our country.  I believe most were killed  on active duty. Any veteran is entitled to be buried in a National Cemetery. 

The cemetery is very old. I think many buried there go back to World War I, and perhaps to even earlier conflicts. Regardless, it is very moving to see so many flags representing so many men and women who died to preserve our freedom. 

 So, think of their sacrifices, and make a toast today; “To Absent Friends.” It is the very least any of us can do.

(Bejing-Washington, May 23, 2009)(exclusive to eGrumps)

The representitives of the United States and China announced major progress in their conference to discuss “Climate Change - Advantages and Disadvantages.” In a joint announcement (following a very difficult five day initial negotiating meeting) the countries agreed as follows:

1. If they were able to agree on a mutually acceptible solution to the problem, whatever that problem might be and whatever the solution, they would issue a “Joint Statement” signed by both countries.

2. If  they were unable to agree on a mutually acceptible solution to the problem, whatever that problem might be and whatever the solution, each country would issue their own “Separate Statement.”

The representatives of both countries met and issued a press release that stated this was a significent breakthrough in solving the problems that they felt existed. The concept of a joint statement or separate statements would surely provide a framework on which they could proceed. International cooperation had advanced, they felt, by such an approach. President Obama hailed this as validation of his theory of “walking  hard and carrying a small stick.” Premier Wen Jiabao hailed this as a validation of the “Teneman Square” approach to solving international problems. 

“With this type of mutual cooperation, the future has never looked brighter” the press release stated.

(Washington D. C. May 21, 2009)(exclusive to e-Grumps)

Representative Charles Rangel (D - NY) expressed strong objection to the Geitner Tax Deferral Plan suggested by eGrumps on May 18, 2009.  Rep. Rangel, among other things, failed to report taxable income of about $75,000 earned from rentals in the Dominican Republic. He stated that it simply was not fair to have a “Geitner Deferral” without offering taxpayers the right to have a “Rangel Deferral.”

In a confidential email leaked to the press, he stated that felt it was only fair that taxpayers have the right to defer payment of taxes for the same period of time that he deferred the payment of taxes he owed, plus interest, but no penalties. Taxpayers should be given the choice of using either (i) no deferral, (ii) the Geitner Deferral (see eGrumps of 5/18/09) or (iii) the Rangel Deferral.

What’s fair is fair, he said and why should Mr. Geitner get all the name identification publicity when he had done the same thing - not pay taxes that were due. Congressman Rangel stated he would have the House Ways and Means Committee, which is responsible for introducing tax legislation, draft the appropriate amendment to the Tax Code. Congressman Rangel, being the Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, felt the legislation had a “reasonable chance” of passage.

Neither Rep. Rangel nor Sec. Geitner could be reached for comment. eGrumps, as always, could be reached for comment. He thought Rep. Rangel was not out of line with his complaint. As long as he was going to cheat on his taxes, he should be given the same opportunity to benefit as every other government employee who cheats on his taxes, if, of course, there are any such other governmental employees.

(Washington, D.C. May 19, 2009)(exclusive to eGrumps)

Because of the soon to be implemented National Health Insurance Plan, President Obama announced two new plans to assist the doctors in their adaption to the new system.

First - The “No Doctor Left Behind Act” - this plan will educate doctors in the best way to adapt to changes in the medical profession, like the “Two (2) Minute Visit and Consultation”  and “How To Examine and Treat Two or More Patients in The Same Examination Room at The Same Time,” “Self-Administered Anesthesia for the Patient Awaiting Surgery” and “Discounts for Patients Who Return Scalpels, Bandages, and Sutures  After Surgery” are only a few of the more than 300 courses that will be available.

Second - “The Doctor Retraining Act” for those doctors who wish to leave the medical profession and desire to go into a more promising financial career. While the exact number of courses to be offered has not been determined, several of the more promising appear to be; “Auto Repair for The Retired Doctor,” “Cooking the MacDonald’s Way,”  “How to be a Guide for Bird Watching Expeditions, and Make Money,” and “How to Write and Act in Medical Anatomy Shows, or Porn for the Retired Doctor.”

The plans were greeted by the American Medical Association with great enthusiasm. Their press release said, in part “…The AMA supports these plans without reservations. We feel that the “Porn for the Retired Doctor” course will be a great success since we doctors have been screwing the public for years, Thank you President Obama for thinking of us. Perhaps some day we can return the favor.”

(Washington D.C. May 18, 2009)(Exclusive to eGrumps)

The current stimulus plan is not working. Unemployment figures are rising. The problem - the consummer does not have enough disposable income to buy goods and stimulate the economy.

But - a precedent has been set, and I guarantee the “eGrumps Stimulus Plan” will work. The current Secretary of the Treasury did not pay the proper amount of taxes and the IRS allowed him to pay late, charging interest, but not penalties.

So  - The eGrumps Stimulus Plan - allow all taxpayers the right to defer payment of income taxes on the same amount of income that Secretary of the Treasury deferred for the same amount of time. It must be repaid at the end of the Geitner deferral period, without penalty, but with interest, the same courtesy as was granted to Secretary Geitner.

For example, assuming the Secretary of the Treasury was allowed to defer payment of $35,000 of taxes, for an average of three years, then paying the taxes and paying interest (but no penalties) the same should be granted to all taxpaying citizens, if they so elect.

Would that not be a great stimulus to the economy, and the precedent has been set to accomodate the Secretary of the Treasury, who oversees the IRS.  If it was good enough for him, why isn’t it good enough for the rest of us poor folk.  It’s not mandatory, but if any of you want to defer paying income taxes, should you not have the same benefit that Secretary Geitner was given, and if not - why not?

Consider the basic fairness of the eGrumps Stimulus Plan, and think of the money that would flow into the economy. Prosperity - here we come!!!