Washington, D. C. February 3, 2010               (Leaked to eGrumps by anonymous sources in the White House.)

The Chinese government has suggested it would not be in America’s best interests to meet with the Dalai Lama because, among other things, it would damage “trust and cooperation” between the two countries.

Regardless of the implied threat, the Administration, in an effort to quiet the rising tide of discontent between Las Vegas and the Administration, decided to schedule a meeting with the Dalai Lama in Las Vegas and to invite representatives from the Chinese government to attend. The Administration felt that (1)Chinese officialdom could not turn down a junket to Las Vegas (2)Las Vegas would welcome the visitors brought there by the conference, and (3)the hard feelings between Las Vegas and the President would be settled.

“It’s a trifecta” one Administration official told the enthusiastic Washington press corps. It is truly a win-win-win situation for the world. (The fact that the press would get to accompany the President to Las Vegas had nothing to do with their enthusiasm)

The Administration suggested that the Chinese bring the United States Bonds they owned on the trip and use them for “currency” at the gambling tables. America could back the casinos, and when the Chinese lost their bets, as they surely would, America could buy the Bonds back from the casinos at a very reasonable discount.  America would even pay for the plane fare for the Chinese to come to Vegas, and would allow them to use Nancy Pelosi’s airplane for the trip. The Administration felt Ms. P. would cooperate as long as they comped her, and her 43 person staff, for room and meals in Vegas.

“The whole thing is coming together” the Spokesperson said “how brilliant can our President be with this approach to world diplomacy.” When asked what would happen if the Chinese won at the tables, the spokesman was heard to say: “Never happen! Trust us on that.”

Washington, D. C. (February 2, 2010)           (Not exclusive to eGrumps)

A special slightly schizophrenic alert has been issued:

February 2, 2010: In Nashua, New Hampshire President Obama stated “When times are tough….You don’t blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you’re trying to save for college.” (I think most people know that)

February 2, 2010: In a letter to Senator Reid, President Obama stated “…There is no place better to have fun than Vegas, one of our country’s great destinations. I have always enjoyed my visits, look forward to visiting in a few weeks, and hope folks will visit in record numbers this year.” (presumably not with college tuition money)

Well, he also stated that he was trying to make the point that families use vacation dollars, not college tuition money, to have fun. The first quotation didn’t say anything about using vacation dollars or people having fun with vacation dollars (in Vegas). And why will older people, or people with no children, ever consider not using college tuition money, since there is no need to save for college tuition.

Nothing was said about those parents using college tuition money who win gambling in Vegas. (It does happen) Presumably that’s OK with the Pres.

A spokesperson for the Administration announced it is considering a scholarship plan for the children of any parent who used college tuition money and lost it gambling in Vegas.

An anonymous spokesperson for Las Vegas stated that he hoped the President was not going to use college tuition money for his children when he visits us.

The Las Vegas Resort Board is devising a test to show which money their visitors are using. If it is “college tuition” money – that’s a no-no, and the visitors will be asked to leave after five days. If it is “vacation money,” the visitors will be asked to leave after five days, or whenever their money runs out, whichever is last.

Washington D. C. (January 25, 2010)

Banker’s Salaries: The Administration has come up with a novel, and fair plan concerning banker’s salaries. No bank employee shall receive a salary that is greater than the amount paid to the highest paid professional athlete. If a professional athlete gets paid $35,000,000 a year for throwing a little round ball in a hoop, that’s the most that can be paid to any banker, who doesn’t even have to work up a sweat to receive the maximum amount. It’s objective, it’s fair and a great deal for America. Unlike professional athletic teams where there is a cap on the total amount that can be paid to a team’s athletes, because of the difference in the number of employees working for the various banks, there will be no salary caps per institution, unless, of course, the bankers get greedy.

Tax Increases: Despite the fact that many, many banks have repaid the TARP loans, all of them would be subject to a small tax, to expire in 2065, to make up for those banks who had not repaid their loans. When questioned about such a plan the Spokesperson said “The banks can live with it. It is perfectly fair and in the fine tradition of the American economic system – “All for one and one for all.” a phrase the Administration said, could clearly be traced back to Alexander Dumas and was the inspiration for Karl Marx, a great advocate of fairness in the economic systems of the world. It seemed appropriate under the present circumstances. Repayment of loans by some banks cannot be considered in this context. It is a total irrelevancy”

Additional Scapegoats: “The Administration” he went on to say “is considering additional Scapegoats, who also were 100% responsible for America’s economic woes. Among those being considered are the automobile industry, the insurance industry, the mortgage industry, the American Medical Association, the American Bar Association (excluding trial lawyers) the Flight Attendants Union, FOX News and the Republican Party. Congress will be excluded in considering scapegoats since the Administration feels they had nothing to do with America’s economic problems and merely reflected the will of the people.”

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The Los Angeles Times Business News (January 23, 2010) spotlighted Two (2) major headlines in its Business Section;

1. “Dow posts triple-digit loss again”

and

2. Conan makes way for Jay.”

The third major headline (not on the top of the page, however) was “Signs Point to Exec’s Affair.”

eGrumps says; “That says it all as to why the newspapers are declining : A headline about two TV comics, an executive having an affair (what’s new about that?) and a major decline in the Dow average.  No wonder the Times circulation is falling through the floor – people who want to read about Dow financial info are not going to buy the LA Times, people who are interested in Conan and Jay (assuming some of you know who they are and their importance in then grand business scheme of things) aren’t going to buy the LA Times, and people who are interested in an executive’s amorous affairs aren’t going to buy the LA Times.”

I assume there is no correlation between the Dow falling, Jay and Conan switching air times, and the exec’s affair. If there is, I take it all back and the LA Times gets the eGrumps Business Award of the Year for unearthing a story on which no other media outlet has commented. If there is a correlation, then I suggest Jay and Conan should switch back, the exec should continue his affair — and all of us should go long the Dow.  (But as the SEC warning goes, past performance is no guarantee of future performance)

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Washington, D. C. (Exclusive to Grumps (January 20, 2010)

Four major computer makers, who asked that their names not be divulged since their products were still under development, held a press conference in Washington D. C. announcing the development of a super mini computer for post-death use. The new machines had been designed to fit into a coffin so that the deceased individuals, who spent most of their lives on a computer, could continue spending eternity on the computers.

Software had been designed so that the computers could be connected to the Internet forever. An email program would allow the deceased to connect with other Internet users who were also dead. As far as battery life was concerned, an eternal power supply was a standard feature of the new machines.  No web sites would be blocked, although some concern was expressed about the effect of a dead person going to a porn site, but since the developers would all be dead some day, and they all visited porn sites on a regular basis, they saw no harm in leaving those sites accessible.

Unlike their dead owners, these machines will be decay proof.

Facebook and Twitter will be available, although pictures of the dead, for obvious reasons, could not be uploaded. It was suggested that those types of sites should be accessed pre-death, to post pictures of the computer owners, not post-death.  It was planned to give an educational pamphlet to  each purchaser. They had already been printed in over 59 languages.

To prove the feasibility of these new computers, volunteers were asked to sign up, make out their Wills, leave instructions as to the placement of the computers, and then commit suicide.

Unfortunately, the companies had been unable to design a machine that could be used post-death by those who had been cremated. “We’re working on it,” one of the developers stated, “but the technical problems are immense.”

To say that everyone at the press conference was stunned would be an understatement.

The classification of these new computers:

Eternal Computers.

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Washington, D. C. (January 8, 2010)

(Special to eGrumps) The Department of Homeland Security after an exhaustive review of the “security measures” in place to protect our country is instituting a  novel approach to provide greater security for Americans. Legal Aliens, and Illegal Aliens residing in the United States. Citing the difficulty in not providing security for those here illegally, without violating their rights, the Department concluded that the same protection would be afforded for all. “It’s the American way,” a spokesperson said. “besides, the President has been told that some of the ‘undocumented workers’ even pay taxes (once they are caught and about to be deported). What’s fair is fair.”

The new “see-through” scanners would not have caught the Underwear Bomber, despite their enormous cost. “We are purchasing them anyhow,” the spokesperson said  ”because some of the terrorists might not be smart enough to realize they don’t really work too well and many of them cannot read the spec sheets put out by the manufacturers. It’s  a calculated risk, and it might work, but in any event is well worth the millions of dollars the machines cost. If they don’t prove effective, we can always resell them to the legal brothels in Los Vegas in order to provide them a quick way to screen their customers and determine which male customer should be paired up (almost said “fitted”) with which female employee. We could even make a profit on the resale.”

Having said that, the spokesman then disclosed the new machine that will be purchased. After reading the news stories about the “Fort Hood Bomber,” and the “Underwear Bomber” the investigators all concluded that there was a “failure to connect the dots.” Even President Obama, he of the open and transparent government, stated that there was a “failure to connect the dots.”

“Our new machine,” the spokesperson said is a “Connect The Dots Machine. If it had been in place, the Fort Hood shooter would have been caught in a preemptive strike and the Underwear Bomber wouldn’t even have been allowed to board the airplane. It’s what we have been missing – a ‘Connect the Dots Machine.’ It’s virtually foolproof when correctly programmed.”

When asked about details of the machine and how it worked the spokesperson merely grinned and said release of the details are on a need to know basis, and if the ‘terrorists,” enemy combatants’ and ‘bad’  guys knew of the technology involved, they could take steps to circumvent the high-tech circuitry that these machines employ.”  ”As soon as the Administration feels it is safe to release the details” the spokesperson stated that “The President would go on C-Span so that America would know all about these machines. and how they work. even President Obama has stated ‘Trust me on this, would I ever promise to go on C-Span and not do it, and this time I don’t have my fingers crossed.”

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Would you read a book that had the following review?

“Money Shot is a stunner, careening along with a wild, propulsive energy and a deliciously incendiary spirit. Laced with bravado and loaded up with knockout charm, Christa Faust’s Money Shot debut is the literary equivalent of a gasoline cocktail.”

Actually, the grammar isn’t quite right. “Christa Faust’s Money Shot debut…” leaves something to be desired in the grammar department. It would seem to imply that there will be a Christa Faust’s Money Shot Two, which there isn’t. Probably should have said Christa Faust’s debut novel, Money Shot…..” but what the heck, the reviewer is a professional writer, not me — yet.

“deliciously incendiary spirit?” I like that. It’s better than a sour tasting incendiary spirit. But then, if it is truly incendiary, who cares whether it is delicious or not. Maybe the reference to a gasoline cocktail came from “deliciously incendiary.” – you think?

The Book — Money Shot by Christa Faust.

If you’re interested, I suggest you buy it right away, because it is careening along with a wild propulsive energy, and you might want to get it before it stops careening having run out of wild, propulsive energy.

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Washington, D. C. (January 1, 2010)

After considering various options for the trial of the alleged terrorist (the “Underwear  Bomber”) the DOJ decided to indite him on indecent exposure. Citing the difficulties in getting a conviction for acts of terrorism, attempted murder, and bad-conduct on an airplane, career political (and senior) attorneys from the Department of Justice , after conferring with The President, the Vice-President, the Secretary of State and the head of the Department of Homeland Security (“Security Czar”), not to mention all four members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the Head of the CIA, the Head of the FBI, and the Terrorism Unit of the Detroit Police Department – and yours truly, eGrumps  - decided that the only sure way to get a conviction was to drop all charges except Indecent Exposure. All agreed, except for eGrumps, who was  the lone dissenting voice.

It was felt this would be a slam-dunk conviction because of the way he tried to remove, and was somewhat successful,  his trousers while on a public conveyance.  A conviction on the other charges was “iffy.” A spokesperson said “America is a land of true justice and compassion, civil liberties, and all-around good people, so a conviction on this narrow ground would show the efficacy of our legal system and the forgiveness of the American people. Besides, it was almost certain that a Release could be gotten for the unprovoked actions of a fellow passenger in attacking the Underwear Bomber and protect the USA from any future liability for damages. The savings alone could be well worth a trial on this legal theory.”

When asked as to the severity of the sentence the Underwear Bomber would receive, the spokesman said he thought the Federal Criminal Code provided a maximum sentence of six months, with time off for good behavior.  ”After all, it’s not like he blew up the plane,” the spokesman said.

“This should put the fear of God (oops, Allah) into any would be terrorists. Our prisons are no trip to the beach, you know. No color television, no private cells, no computer access to email, Facebook or Twitter, no cell phones, no iPods, no access to almost anything worth while these days. This will be really rough on him.” he stressed.

The official report from the Committee stressed that this should act as a suitable deterrent, and serve as a lesson to the Underwear Bomber and his friends.  Justice has been served.

President Obama reviewed all evidence from his golf cart in Hawaii and fully concurred with this result. After all, he stated, this was an “Isolated Instance.” We must build bridges to earn the friendship of our terrorist friends, and it is up to us to take the first step. The United Nations should be proud, and I want to pledge $5,000,000,000 from the United States to investigate the root cause of terrorism, poverty, and what can be done to solve this problem.

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Washington D. C. December 14, 2009                               (Satirical News from eGrumps)

The organizers of the “Who I Would Least Like to be Stranded With on a Tropical Island” contest announced that they have discontinued the contest. Votes will no longer be accepted.

It was stated that the tally was so one-sided, that the issue was no longer in doubt and they decided to announce the winner without waiting for further votes.

The spokesperson issued the following news release: “It is with a great deal of pride that we announce that Americans have finally found a common ground  - Conservatives and Liberals,  Straights and Gay, men and women, have finally come together and agreed upon something, the winner: Nancy Pelosi – the person with whom they would least like to be stranded with on a tropical island. Congratulations Madam Speaker. However, it should be pointed out that Tiger Wood has said he did not agree and would personally visit the island with her – if they had a golf course.”

Neither Ms. Pelosi nor any spokesperson from her office would issue a comment. One anonymous voter suggested that she should accept her award on the tropical island, but since she had not been heard from concerning this singular honor, it was felt not proper to suggest she attend the award ceremony.

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When the police investigated Tiger Woods accident, he should have told them the  complete truth.

“Officer I was merely driving out of my driveway when this fire-plug moved directly in front of my car and ran right into the front of my car. It must have been drinking to behave so erratically. It was not my fault.”

“Look, it was not like Chappaquiddick with Ted Kennedy driving the car. There was no girl asleep in the back seat like there was when he ran his car into the water and the girl drowned. That was a real tragedy. Actually, this crazy lady was chasing me with a golf club. Maybe she scared the fire-plug.It wasn’t until some time later that I learned it was my wife chasing me with the eight-iron to tell me I had forgotten to put it in my golf bag. “

“Officer, tell me, do you think this will hurt my golf career and my product endorsements? Please be honest with me. Look what Chappaquiddick did with Ted Kennedy’s image and his desire to become President. People do exaggerate these little incidents.”

“I wonder if the company that makes Viagra needs a celebrity to endorse their product?”

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Washington D.C. — December 5, 2009               (Satirical Comedy (+/-)  by eGrumps)

Anonymous Congressional staffers have presented a solution to America’s concern about a government run health-care system. Meeting in private, in the “Conspiracy Room” in the White House basement, they considered various ways to alleviate the very obvious concern of Americans toward a plan that would nationalize 1/6th of the American economy. No minutes were kept and the participants insisted upon anonymity.

eGrumps, was sworn to secrecy, as to the identities of the participants, but he was assured that they represented very, very high people in government. Knowing the reputation of those with whom he met, he had complete confidence in the reliability of what he was told.

Basically, in order to quell dissent and to insure Congressional passage,     Read more…

Washington, D.C. (December 1, 2009)   (Satirical Comment by eGrumps)

Seeking to follow the lead of that great leader of the English people during World War II, President Obama borrowed from the words of Winston Churchill to rally the American people behind his policy in Afghanistan.

“We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Afghanistan,
We shall fight on the seas and oceans.
We shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength.
We shall fight on the beaches.
We shall fight on the landing grounds.
We shall fight in the fields and in the streets.
We shall fight in the hills.
We shall never surrender.

For not less than eighteen months until we withdraw from Afghanistan.
I hope that doesn’t screw up my Nobel Peace Prize.”

All right, President Obama didn’t use those exact words . The White House knows there are no seas or oceans anywhere close to Afghanistan. Their research staff found out that there can be no beaches without seas or oceans, so that also was not included.

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Washington D. C., November 27, 2009              (Commentary from eGrumps)

eGrumps is proud to announce his highly prized “Senator-of-The-Year Award  – NOT” (so far)  to North Dakota Senator Kent Conrad for his comment about those opposed to trying KSM in a civilian court in New York City. It seems he feels Read more…

eGrumps, the owner of the other subprime web site, http://pithycomments.com, has generously not objected to our posting the following which we stole from him, which he, of course,  stole from others.

It’s Thanksgiving – hooray!! By special dispensation from eGrumps, all diets are automatically suspended until Friday, November 27, 2009. I knew you were waiting for that before you pig out today.

Many of you who drop in to this web site are from countries other than America. I hope you’ll join us in celebrating this holiday. Like my wife said about our marriage, no matter how bad things are, they can always get worse. (That’s hard to believe, at least about our marriage. ).

eGrumps wife is a great cook. Using a new recipe his wife put the turkey in aluminum foil. She had to roast it till it was brown. Twenty hours later the aluminum foil was still silver.

An optimist is a person who starts a diet on Thanksgiving day.

Thanksgiving is America’s chow-down feast, the one occasion in the year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.

The first turkeys were not wild. They just went crazy when they found out what we intended to do with them.

Last Thanksgiving eGrumps wife cooked a turkey in the microwave oven. We had to eat at seven-thirty in the morning.

Thanksgiving is a day when the turkey gets stuffed in the morning, and the family gets stuffed in the afternoon.

The Puritans celebrated Thanksgiving day to commemorate being saved from the Indians.  We continue to celebrate it to commemorate being saved from the Puritans.

After Thanksgiving dinner, the man who has trouble making ends meet ought to get himself a longer belt.

Thanksgiving is a day off that is usually followed by an off day.

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FOR MORE MURPHY ON SEX, GO TO HTTP://pithycomment.com – You have probably deduced that eGrumps
has been accused of being fixated on the subject of this posting, hence more of the same on the
pithycomment.com  web site, his other subprime website. “Fixated” is probably too strong a work, but maybe not.
Please don’t tell Mrs. eGrumps. Fortunately she is computer illiterate (I think) and besides, she thinks I am
fixated on the subject – she should only know.

1. Nothing improves with age (except good wine).

2.  No matter how many times you have had it, if it is offered, take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.

3. Sex has no calories.

4. No sex with anyone in the same office (This rule is occasionally ignored)

5. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself (This rule is also occasionally ignored.).

6. Never say no.

7. There may be some things better than sex, and somethings worde than sex. But – there is nothing exactly like it.

8. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

Remember http:/pithycomment.com for more on this fascinating subject.

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Washington, D. C. (November 15, 2009)                                   ( Comment by eGrumps)

On November 6, 2009, Major Hassan, shouting “Allahu Akabar” opened fire with one or more weapons killing 13 and wounding about 35 more. There is no question Major Nasan was the shooter. He was gunned down in the act while holding at least one weapon in his hand.

Why is he an “alleged gunman.” He was the shooter. There is no factual argument about it.

So why does President Obama say “There is an ongoing investigation into this terrible tragedy…That investigation will look at the motives of the alleged gunman…” Why do so many others use the word “alleged.” His motives may be questioned, (Maybe he grew up as an abused youth with a drunken father, and hence his actions excused under some modern “civilized” views) (Maybe he was legally insane when he did the shooting)(Maybe he was…..(you can make that up any way you want to))  Maybe he has legal defenses as to whether or not he was a murderer. Personally, I doubt that he has any legal defenses, but that has nothing to do whether he was the gunman.

HE WAS NOT AN ALLEGED GUNMAN. HE WAS THE GUNMAN, PLAIN AND SIMPLE. So why is he called an alleged gunman? Damned if I know.

Has Political Correctness gone so far that we cannot say the truth – he was the gunman. Facts are facts.

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Washington, D. C. November 6, 2009                        (Sarcastic Comment by eGrumps)

The new Obamacare – Pelosicare – Reidcare (take your pick) is creating a massive dilemma for most Americans, including yours truly.

No, I am not talking about the fact that the length of the bill exceeds the guidelines posted by President Obama (see my comment of 10/30/09) in that it now has passed the 2,000 page mark. Frankly, it is just as hard to read a 2,200 page bill as a 1,900 page bill. The 2,000 page limit was a guideline, that’s all, and no one ever expected that arbitrary guideline to hold. It’s sort of like New Orleans and Katrina, once the levees broke, there was no holding back the water.

The real dilemma, of monumental proportions, is this. Most of America has a headache just contemplating the size, complexity and ultimate      Read more…

Washington D. C., October 30, 2009                    (Sarcastic Comment by eGrumps)

The White House (“WH”) proudly announced that the Health Care Bill (“Obamacare”) presented by Speaker Pelosi to the American people met all governmental criteria.  More important than the size of the fiscal deficit that would follow the bill, assuming it becomes law, was the physical size of the Bill.

The White House has always had two criteria: (1) the cost to the American fiscal system could not exceed $1,000,000,000,000 and (2) the physical size of the bill could not exceed 2,000 pages. Speaker Pelosi deserves much credit for bringing the bill in at 1990 pages.         Read more…

Washington D.C. , October 28, 2009              (Special to eGrumps)

A Washington Insider, who asked to remain anonymous, confirmed the fact that the Treasury Department, The Federal Reserve Board, President Obama and the Tsars and the rest of the White House staff had  received  requests for TARP funds from a “red light” establishment.

Madam XXXX (who also asked her name to be withheld) requested a substantial sum of money from TARP. She reportedly said that funds from the Troubled Ass Recovery Plan money should be “given” to her establishment. When told the  ”A” stood for “Asset,” She stated “Ass, asset, what’s the difference, one person’s ass is another persons asset. Her girls really qualified and they needed help, Basically their ass was their only asset. ”     Read more…

Washington, D. C.   October 26, 2009

Dear Csar (aka czar, aka tsar) Feinberg:

I have not had a response from you replying to my letter of October 22, 2009 which was posted on www.egrumps.com.  I can only assume the duties of your office, setting appropriate pay for millions of Americans (and foreigners (legal and illegal) working in America) has not left you with enough time to respond.

Rather than wait for a reply, I decided to take the bull      Read more…